By R’ YY Bar-Chaim
“And they should make for them(selves) fringes On the corners of their garments,
Throughout their generations…
And you shall see it And you shall remember all the Mitzvos of G-d and do them”
~Num. 15 ~
My youngest recently had his Bar-Mitzvah and was proud to mark the occasion, among other things, by wearing his tallis katan (garment to which we attach the tsitsis fringes) above his shirt. It was particuIarly sweet for me to see him take on this Mitzvah with such uninhibited demonstrativeness, since the following Torah portion ended with that Mitzvah, as quoted above. Still, I cautioned him to not get too attached (no pun intended) to wearing the entire garment out since it will probably become a magnet for filth.
“Oh, Abba – really!”, he grunted. “I’m not a little kid.”
“No question,” I reassured, “but the nature of the beast is that outer garments get dirty quickly. Besides, just like your older brothers wore their bigdei-tsitsis in until Yeshiva, and like Abba does during the week, so too do I think it’s davka a grown-up consideration to do like your elders.”
“But Abba, that will seem sooo strange!”, he cried. “We’re Chassidim now, and that’s what most Chassidim do…”
“EXCEPT for a few, with me among them!”, I retorted. Then as a compassionate afterthought: “Still, I do respect that you’ve grown up in this community, in contrast to me and your brothers, for most of your life. So if you’d like to try and keep it clean, I’ll consider letting you wear it out. But if not, you’ll have to wait til Yeshiva.”
I think he decided that it would be strategically wise to not say more, because he quickly slipped away with a knowing smirk. As in saying, “alright Abba, I’ll lay low and you’ll probably forget all about it!” Indeed, with the other boys I probably would have pursued the debate til we got mutually clear on the right thing to do. But this one is different. He’s five years younger than the “first generation” and respectively has fallen into an entirely different role in the family. I have also aged, of course, and gotten past the keen sense of being a newbie in this holy community and the attendant fear of deviating.
Still it bothered me to not be seeing eye-to-eye with my son.
I was thus pleased, a couple of days later, to have another opportunity to address the issue. I had just spied numerous “decorations” on his tallis katan, which he had tried to keep out of sight by draping the front part over his shoulder but which now came clearly into sight as he bent over.
“Alright kid,” I funlovingly chided, “it’s time to face the facts. HOW many stains have you managed to get?”
“NU Abba. What do you expect?”
“Precisely that,” I smiled. “It’s totally normal. But that’s why I’ve been preparing you.”
“But you CAN’T make me tuck it in!”, he protested, with a vehemence that pinched the core of my paternity. “They’ll laugh at me. It will be sooo embarrassing…”
“More than walking around with a filthy cape?”
“YES. EVERYone tends to get it dirty…”
“Ah, THAT”s what I feared. It’s for that reason that I DAVKA want you to tuck it in. You don’t have to be one of the crowd in EVERYthing, after all, no matter how holy they generally are. Aye, we didn’t make all those sacrifices to enter such a holy community for you to take on all their vices…”
Uh-oh.
I could hear myself guilt-tripping. The plug holding back my long-held anxieties about the “dirty bathwater” in which the “baby” of our Yiddishkeit was sitting had now been pulled. I surely didn’t want to throw the baby out, but I’d be damned if I was gonna let my kids get comfortable in that bathwater!
“Your RIGHT, Abba,” he suddenly said, jolting me out of my reservations.
“What? You agree?”
“No, not exactly. I just said you’re right that it’s not the best part of this derech (pathway of piety) that boys walk around with filthy talleisim ketanim. Still, I ask you to let me keep it out, because the embarrassment of being different will be worse!”
Whew. Now THAT’s one honest child. It certainly stymied the flow of my reproach. Could it be that I was also right and also wrong? And was the right part tainted by my own, projected horror at the possibility of living a life of stained holiness? I mean, perhaps the thought of holiness equaling cleanliness is one big fantasy schlepped over from the Xn culture in which I was raised??
These are questions I haven’t yet resolved and I’d be most pleased to hear some thoughts on the matter from others who’ve grappled with it.
so you disagree. How does that help anyone? If you’d dilineate the problem you have with those statements perhaps we can think together about a clearer take on the truth.
Btw, I have no idea what there is to disagree with in the second quote. I’m sharing with you a fact, as I see it as his father, something you couldn’t possibly know better! Namely that his wearing the tallis katan out expresses the said identification. The problem I have with this is that it is NOT SO FULLY INTEGRATED into his personal life and he’s respectively letting socialk pressure make the final decision.
Not unlike many normal people in the wider culture who might feel fine with the IDEA of wearing a jacket and tie to work but personally there not always into it… yet nevertheless do it because their friends do. While this is within the bounds of normative social health, I nevertheless question its applicability to a life of piety.
when a Yid seeks to make the shift between religiosity and piety, the bridge often (but not always) is made via an externaliztion of religiosity.
when it’s obviously not a game but expresses his very substantial (but not yet clearly personal) identification with a culture of tsaddikim and chossidim?
I disagree with those statements entirely, with the exception of it not being a game.
… and what abt that cleanliness factor? Is that even a valid variable??
G – I distinguish between acts of “religiosity” (technical behavior) and “piety” (personal devotion). Hence I assume that anxiety abt non-conformity would NEVER spawn increased piety, though it might serve as a depression of religiosity (as per the Rma)… leaving us with the big question of how it would / should affect the moredemonstrative aspects of religiosity.
That is, when a Yid seeks to make the shift between religiosity and piety, the bridge often (but not always) is made via an externaliztion of religiosity. Like deciding to wear a Kippa can help arouse one’s Yiras Shomaym, and kol sh’ken the donning of tfillin and for some the donning of a second pair of tfillin (Rabbeinu Tam).
So how does that apply to a 13 yr old’s insistence on wearing his tsitsis outside, when it’s obviously not a game but expresses his very substantial (but not yet clearly personal) identification with a culture of tsaddikim and chossidim?
As per G, while shame in non-conformity should never be a reason to minimize one’s religiosity, (see Rma on first Halacha in Sh. Aruch), should it be a reason to increase it externally?
You’re taking it as a given that wearing tzitzis on the outside is an increasing in one’s religiosity. I am not.
ChanaLeah, your question is excellent. When I uttered that line, it’s power also hit me – thus the need to introspect and subsequently share.
So what do you think? The reality for those who staddle the lines you describe can be excruciating! Know any tricks of the trade?
“‘an issue of sensittivity and individualism (…) But aren’t those the very issues upon which one chooses to make a sacrifice in choosing a community? (…) accept the little harmless idiosyncrasies as part and parcel of the package (…) a talmid chacham who goes outside with a stain on his garment is deserving of the death penalty.”
David – you asked a good question but indicated in your answer that you missed my very non-laundry, meta-educational issue.
CHAS v’shalom to ever sacrifice sensitivity and individualism, if in that you mean forfeit. Sublimate and refine – yes. But never exchange for “harmless idiosynchracies.”
In fact,we’ve chosen this community (actually it chose us) largely based on its outstanding sensitivity and profound attention to the value of the individual. The ultimate value. The Divine value. Accordingly no one would say here that wearing your tsitsis out is crucial to our Avoida. I guess you assumed we were a Yerushalmi type, which we most definately are not (tho there are overlaps). Davka, a hallmark of our derech is NEVER to stress the externalities while nevertheess including them (shleimus requires externals,while keeping clear on their peripheral importance).
Now the reality is that it used to be that only individuals in our community chose to wear their’s out, but over the last decades about 90% have been doing it and it just seems to feel right. All that said, my issue can be broken down into the following:
1)As per G, while shame in non-conformity should never be a reason to minimize one’s religiosity, (see Rma on first Halacha in Sh. Aruch), should it be a reason to increase it externally?
2)Should a parent’s LEGITIMATE deviation from a religious norm be imposed on a child or adolescent if he feels (however confused) it would hurt him?
3)Is there anything intrinsically wrong with external piety becoming “filthy” in a very normal, this-worldly sense? As indicated at the end of the post, this has begun to bother me on a deep, theological level. Is the tendency to see holiness as something “immaculate” even Jewish?? (The laws for a Talmid Chacham being an exception)
Thank you for helping me think this through.
To save time, etc., maybe kids in his circle can take weekly turns washing all their arba kanfos.
A Scotchgard treatment may make them more cleanable.
there is an added issue here. the father has problems with the son conforming to his rebbein and fellow talmidim…but expects the kid to conform to the father and brothers. either we argue for individuality, in which case the son’s personal choice should rule, irrespective of the family norm, or we are arguing selective conformity, home over yeshiva. Past Bar Mitzva, a son should be opting, with suggestions from around, to make his own decisions. there is a reason why a parent says, baruch shepitrani. And stifling a son’s quest for whatever his view of enhanced holiness is has no basis and can only harm. My bracha to you is that the struggle with your son is always about increased holiness, and never shall his “rebellion” be something that thousands are facing with kids peeling tzitzis off.
I thought that one is supposed to follow the minhagim of ones family to the extent that the minhagim are known.
Aye, we didn’t make all those sacrifices to enter such a holy community for you to take on all their vices…â€
Whether you meant to or not, this packs a powerful punch. What is the inyan of BT? To enter a holy community that has obvious vices and stand apart, as models? Or to adjust our own red lines in order to blend in unity with the klal, for the purpose of absorbing the holiness there?
Nobody said to dictate the rule without helping him to understand.
If he is aware enough to realize that his reasoning is mostly based in that “the embarrassment of being different will be worse!â€, I would think he is smart enough to understand where you would be coming from.
That doesn’t mean he’ll like it or that it will be easy, but that’s life.
I am with David Linn on this. Make him aware that being overly sensitive to peer pressure is not a good thing. Make the point gently but firmly many times. But don’t try to force him to confront the sensitivity.
G, this is a teenage boy we are talking about. Forcing him to do something, even when well-meaning, in order to teach him a lesson he may not yet be grasping can easily backfire. This could lead not only to losing the entire lesson but to refusing to follow the rule laid down, resentment and rebellion.
because the embarrassment of being different will be worse!â€
In all seriousness, if this is his issue then you HAVE to make him stop wearing them out. That is a terrible rule to let guide ones actions in life.
David S,
You are making a good point re: conformity and community standards. At the same time, I don’t think that raising the issue, remember R Bar Chaiim didn’t tell his son that he couldn’t wear his tzizis on the outside of his clothing, and explaining his own sensitivities and his reasons for not comporting himself that way are also important. I guess it would also be important to determine whether there are a sizeable number of others in the community who do the same or at least do as R Bar Chaiim does, wear their tzizis over their clothes only on shabbos.
The issue is definately deeper than a laundry issue.
Thanx for the bracha, Yitz. Didn’t know you were reading here. But do you really expect me to take that “conformist” call sitting down!
>>It seems to be more of an issue of sensittivity and individualism.
Yes, of course, David.
But aren’t those the very issues upon which one chooses to make a sacrifice in choosing a community?
The Yerushalmi chassidim I know eat fish on Shabbos with their fingers. If I choose to join their community, do I have a right to complain about their minhag because of my sensitivities? I mean, that’s the way they’ve been doing it for generations (and they may have halachic reasons).
If for whatever reason I choose a community as appropriate for me I have to accept the little harmless idiosyncrasies as part and parcel of the package.
>>perhaps the thought of holiness equaling cleanliness is one big fantasy schlepped over from the Xn culture in which I was raised??
Cleanliness is an important Torah concept. Chazal say that a talmid chacham who goes outside with a stain on his garment is deserving of the death penalty. The Rambam brings this and more in Hilchos Deos (5:9): “A scholar must always wear clean dignified clothing. There shall be no stain on his garments. He should not wear clothing associated with royalty for this attracts attention to him. Nor should he wear garments worn by the poverty stricken for this will shame him. He should wear clean moderately priced garments.”
I think the point is deeper than a laundry issue. It seems to be more of an issue of sensittivity and individualism.
Couldn’t you buy another tallis katan and avoid the battle of wills? One in the laundry, and one clean one to wear…
Funny YY, your title led me to believe that you were gonna write about techeiless.
To your question, & knowing your situation perhaps better than most readers, I’d say you cannot put your son into a Chassidic environment such as he is in, & NOT expect him to go along with the crowd. Especially at his age, children are quite conformist, & have big problems bucking the accepted norms.
He’ll probably be more open to a different point of view as he gets older & more mature, IY”H’. Rov nachas!!!
Tell him to do his own laundry ;)