In the beginning of the BT journey, it’s easy to feel on fire, excited about what is ahead, determined to plow ahead no matter the obstacles. Then, as the years unfold and the children start coming, and growing, and requiring more money than we can fathom for their stellar yeshiva education, I would presume that most BT’s have a few conversations like the one I had the other day with a friend.
My friend, we’ll call her, “Tinaâ€, and I were commiserating about the new bill for rising yeshiva tuition, the increasing property taxes for the community we live in, and the ever-rising price of kosher food, insurance, clothing, and all other needs, combined with both of us worried about husbands employed in very volatile jobs. It’s easy to joke about pulling the kids out of yeshiva and sending them to public school, or selling our homes and moving to a place in the country where housing is a fraction of the cost. We can pretend this is a viable solution in a moment of panic, but both of us know the truth – we are way too far down the path to ever turn back. No one ever said it would be easy. Sometimes, it feels much harder than we ever imagined it would be, but she and I have been frum for a decade or so, and the option of chucking it all and moving to an inexpensive community with kids in public school, is as much an option for either one of us as donning a nun’s habit and joining the cloisters.
A few days ago I had a “kitchen accident†that was, in its own way, a strong metaphor for this conversation. I was cooking some meat and I placed it in an ovenproof glass pan and roasted the meat for a few moments at 450 degrees.
I opened the oven door and with my oven mitts, pulled the pan out of the oven to check the meat. Within a few seconds, the pan exploded. With a loud boom, the glass pan, apparently unhappy about the transition from the hot oven to the room temp of my kitchen, shattered into thousands of pieces of glass – all over my kitchen, the oven, and me. There are no words to describe the mess it created (and I’m an author by profession!) It was just awful. Meat was intertwined with glass, meat gravy was splattered all over my nearby fridge and my clothing, and my kitchen floor was now coated in tiny pieces of glass.
Apparently, my “ovenproof†pan was not a good candidate for the oven, after all.
It took me hours to clean up the mess. It is now, as I am writing this column that it occurs to me that it serves as an excellent metaphor for the “no going back†statement. I could just as soon put my kids in public school and move to Hobunkville, as I could separate out the meat from the glass and serve it for dinner. It’s not happening. It’s too late. There’s no going back.
My husband and I daven every day that Hashem will continue to give us the means for providing for our family, so that our children should grow up to be under the chuppah, then B’ezras Hashem, become parents themselves, so that they can have the same conversation with their frum friends: “How are we going to do it?â€
It’s a much better question than, “Should we do it?â€
Syndicated newspaper advice columnist and author of twelve books, Azriela Jaffe is an international expert on entrepreneurial couples, business partnerships, handling rejection and criticism, balancing work and family, breadwinner wife and dual career issues, creating more luck and prosperity in your life, and resolving marital conflict. Her mission: “To be a catalyst for spiritual growth and comfort. Visit her web site here.
” public school today doesn’t even begin to compare to what it was in generations past, right?”
True. The academics that are available in the top suburban public high schools, along with the top magnet urban high schools, dwarf what was available even in those top schools a generation or two ago. The top students from those schools are amazing.
The Modern Orthodox Day School in my neighborhood is competitive academically with those schools. That is a major reason why it is so expensive. You get what you pay for.
‘Were they “products†of the American public schools or were they “graduatesâ€? ‘
Well, if we really believe our propaganda about the importance of the educational environment, the two words would be essentially synonymous.
“kept in-marriage very high”
So what is the purpose of Jewish schools?
Is it to isolate our children from everything in the world that might be tempting them?
Is it to keep our children from marrying non-Jews?
Is it to create an educated Jewish laity?
Is it to create talmidei chachamim?
Until we answer these questions, we will not be able to address the problems we have today with Jewish education.
The genesis of this post is the reality that many BTs will leave when the going gets tough and the euphoria wears off.
One: Do you really think the only people that might leave day schools/yeshiva school because of cost are baalei teshuva? I hear as many FFBs talk about alternatives, public schooling only being one alternative.
Two: Taking kids out of day school isn’t a complete abandoning of yiddishkeit, and it really isn’t right to talk about it as such
Three: Getting the costs of day school under control should be a #1 priority. There are signs it has finally hit the radar. Loosing paying parents, either FFB or BT, will be disasterous for the “system” as a whole.
Steve Brizel,
Excellent!
Yosi,
The “off the derech” phenomena is a sad proof that “leaving” is not limited to BT’s.
Dr Hall,
Regarding the comment:
“I can even name two very well known rabbis of unquestionable stature who were American public school products”
Pardon the nitpicking, but here’s a challenge to the choice of words. Were they “products” of the American public schools or were they “graduates”?
Back in the 20’s 30’s and 40’s, a plethora of socio-political forces (that have considerably weakened) kept in-marriage very high. Even if it wasn’t the flavor of antipathy towards Jews that Europe displayed, there was still a very palpable type of xenophobia. It was just accepted that the established law, accounting and business firms were loathe to hire and let their daughters marry Jews.
Without belaboring the point, that has changed. To sum up the new state of affairs in a pithy slogan, freedom means responsibility. The “freedom” is that the anti-Jewish sentiments of the pre WWII and even pre-Vietnam era have largely vanished, but the responsibility we need to exercise in this new environment are now self-administered controls in the interests of promoting the growth of Judaism.
Yossi – The post (and the website) exist for support, and because for some “going back” may be an option. The author was clearly speaking just for herself and the specific friend in question.
Charles – You DO know that public school today doesn’t even begin to compare to what it was in generations past, right? You know, way back when the world was much smaller . . .
After Avraham and Yitzchak return from the Akeidah, there is a long and seemingly irrelevant and unconnected geneaological trail of Avraham’s relatives who led lives seemingly unaffected by Avraham Avinu. RYBS called that the last test of Avraham. When you attend a family gathering of relatives who are not yet observant and whose lives seem very uncomplicated , etc,I think that observation is very pertinent.
Yossi,
Why do you question the beliefs of the person who posted? Lots of frum Jews live in small communities. And lots of frum Jews used to send their kids to public schools. (I can even name two very well known rabbis of unquestionable stature who were American public school products; there are probably others.)
Questioning people’s belief does not make this a safe space.
“It’s easy to joke about pulling the kids out of yeshiva and sending them to public school, or selling our homes and moving to a place in the country where housing is a fraction of the cost. We can pretend this is a viable solution in a moment of panic, but both of us know the truth – we are way too far down the path to ever turn back.”
If you truly believed that then this post wouldn’t exist. The genesis of this post is the reality that many BTs will leave when the going gets tough and the euphoria wears off.
BT’s have to make headway against formidable obstacles. We would like to face lesser obstacles or none at all, but these are what we have to deal with. Those who have made progress despite these should be able to offer counsel to newer faces, as is done here.
Since education seems to present so many problems, we need to seek out and support Jewish educators willing to try out new models.
The key is in learning to open the oven door c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y!
Yeshiva / seminar / kiruv mentoring are all virtual ovens. Isn’t it time we start teaching the art and obligation of how and when to open the door?
It isn’t just about money. If our frum world were a warmer, friendlier and more accepting place then no one would even have a glimmer of a thought of leaving. The secular people would be banging on the doors to come in–without even needing to be coaxed in by kiruv professionals. As we are right now, we have quite a bit to fix before we can be the light unto the nations that Hashem wants us to be.
Of course, there are some very nice, very friendly frum communities in places as inexpensive as Hobunkville. And there are even schools in such places. :)
What an eye-opener. Thanks.