By Aryeh Taback
Rosh Hashona resolutions are not so much about changing what we do, as much as they are about changing who we are, and close to the core of who we are stand our middos. The word middos is often translated as “character traits†but a more literal meaning would be “measuresâ€. Middos refer to the ingrained thresholds we all have in our character. In the area of gluttony, one person may be able to resist the double thick ice-cream sundae under almost all circumstances, whereas his friend may need little encouragement to wolf down three. For one person, laziness refers to the single day last year when he slept past six am, whereas for another, facing the world before ten is bordering on superhuman. These scales exist in all areas of our character; in some areas we may have low thresholds while in other measures we may have very high ones. The combination of all of these measurements is what makes up our unique middos constellation.
The Vilna Gaon writes: “All service of Hashem depends on the remedying of one’s middos …The primary reason for the existence of man is to be constantly exerting himself in the breaking of the middos. If he does not, why should he live?â€
One of the great kabbalists, Rabbi Chaim Vital, states that not only is the improvement of ones middos of critical importance, but it is in fact more significant than the observance of the mitzvos. This does not meant that one can be lax in observing the mitzvos, but simply means that if one wishes to raise ones level of observance, more energy must go into repairing ones middos, because our middos are at the root of all of our mitzvah observance. Fixing a mitzvah without fixing the root middah is like cutting a weed without pulling up the root. At some stage the weed will again rear its ugly head.
Secular success literature has in recent years also moved in the direction of a deeper improvement of character rather than the “window dressing†of good manners. In one of the “bibles†of secular success literature, Steven Covey makes a distinction between what he calls a “personality ethic†and a “character ethicâ€, the latter being the preferred approach to a successful life. There is however a major difference between the secular approach and the Torah one, for the secular approach still sees the improvement of deep character as the means to an end, namely getting what you want out of life. Torah however views the improvement of character as an end in itself, and one of the major reasons we walk this earth. I quote Covey: “If I try use human influence strategies and tactics of how to get other people to do what I want, to work better, to be more motivated, to like me and each other — while my character is fundamentally flawed, marked by insincerity — then, in the long run, I cannot be successful. My duplicity will breed distrust and everything I do — even using so-called good human relations techniques — will be perceived as manipulative. It simply makes no difference how good the rhetoric is or even how good the intentions are; if there is little or no trust, there is no foundation for success. Only basic goodness gives life to technique. To focus on technique is like cramming your way through school…..â€
A careful reading of his words reveals that fundamentally he does not disagree with the personality “quick-fix†approach, but simply sees that it will not always allow you to manipulate people and get what you want. Improving your character in his mind is simply a more effective method, like the crook who realizes that he must wear a suit and greet the guard if he wishes to be admitted into the bank he intends to rob.
But how does one go about changing or modifying a middah? One of the most important things to do is to first familiarize yourself with your unique “middos constellationâ€, the combination of thresholds that exist within you. Without knowing where your strong and weak points are, you cannot set out to improve them.
At the root of all middos improvement is one’s knowledge and awareness of the fact that a higher Power runs the world. A person who lives with an awareness of Hashem in his life is equipped to confront his ordeals and consequently shape and mold his middos.
For example, a person who struggles in the area of anger has just been told that his car was damaged and that he is not insured. His capacity to restrain himself and not vent his frustrations against the people around him is directly proportional to his awareness that Hashem is in control of his world. By wielding this tool, he extends his threshold and becomes a greater human being as a result. This is true with every middah, be it gluttony, arrogance, melancholia, anxiety or thriftiness. The more that we integrate the knowledge of Hashem into our lives the greater our chances are of standing up to our challenges and expanding our inner horizons. In truth, every struggle is actually a struggle of faith. The Orchos Tzaddikim, a classic work on the subject of Middos, sums this up in the following way:
“Any person who wishes to bring himself to fine middos, needs to blend Yiras Shomayim with every middah, for Yiras Shomayim is the knot which holds all the middos in place. This can be compared to a string which is threaded through the holes of pearls, and they tie a knot at the end to hold all the pearls. There is no doubt that if the knot unravels, all the pearls will fall. So to it is with Yirah; it maintains all the middos and if the knot of Yirah should unravel, all the fine middos will be separated from you. Moreover, when you do not have good middos, there is not in your hands Torah or Mitzvos, because the entire Torah hinges on remedying ones middos.â€
May we all merit to a Shanah Tova filled with personal growth.
Ron, thanks for your input. I have nothing against Steven Covey and recognize that he didn’t write “The seven habits of highly effective yidden”.
That being said, many Jews read his and other similar works looking for wisdom and insight. The danger is that many of these books are built on fundamentally flawed foundations and roots, but which are sometimes difficult to discern. I have been told a number of times “you won’t believe how much Torah is in there” with reference to books of secular life-wisdom. What worries me is that people are quick to see the similarities but struggle to see the differences.
I am aware of a prominent Rabbi and teacher who recommended books on meditation by author Jon Kabat-Zinn to a group of young women while failing to mention that they contain the closest thing we have in our times to pure Avodah Zarah.
R’ Reuven Leuchter quotes R’ Wolbe Zt”l that books of secular wisdom are good for the questions but not for the answers. He explained that one can draw on the vast collective life experience of all of humanity to understand and define the basic questions of life. But when it comes to forming a Torah-true response to the question, one has to look to the Torah itself. He explained that this is the meaning of “Chochma bagoyim ta’amin, Torah ba’goyim al ta’amin”. My intention was to highlight one such example, but I believe it is a very healthy way to approach all of these types of works.
Regarding Ron’s last two paragraphs above:
Without Torah as the motivator and facilitator for improving one’s midos, it’s possible for some to be quite “successful” in secular terms while lacking self control. For example, that can happen when the out-of-control person has so much money, fame, or power that no one dares to criticize or defy him. Think of many celebrities or politicians or celebrity-politicians in the news. Such a person may see no practical reason whatsoever to consider, much less implement, changes in his attitude and behavior.
I asked my father once how he, as a redhead, always managed to stay so calm. He said he had worked on it.
Thanks for this post. I do have a couple of observations.
I don’t think, Aryeh, you’re being entirely fair to Steven Covey. He is in fact making an argument for fundamental goodness. It is true that he is making it in the context of “technique” — but that is the only reason people seek his guidance. He is not a religious leader and, to the extent that he is a philosopher, those who follow his advice are not seeking philosophy.
I was also somewhat struck by this:
This is simply not a statement of fact, but perhaps the misstatement is a result of a turn of phrase. The capacity of the person in your example is surely proportional, i.e., positively correlated and almost certainly linked in a cause-and-effect relation, to a person’s “awareness that Hashem is in control of his world.” But I cannot agree that it is “directly proportional.” Just as you said some people are not tempted by an ice cream dessert and others cannot resist it without great self-restraint, we all come to “the table” with our midos exactly the way you described them — neutral qualities that we are given the task of using for good or ill.
So in the damaged-car example, we must take into account the fact that some people simply do not have a temper, regardless of their religious world-view. They may or may not be good people or even give Hashem the slightest thought. But you have of course described “a person who struggles with anger,” though this would probably encompass at least 50% of the population, though at very different levels of intensity.
There is also a category of people who have self-discipline and realize that, as Covey and everyone else in the business of management, self-improvement and achievement knows, such a quality does not limit, but rather empowers a person over his surroundings and society. Many such disciplined people have been known to demonstrate tremendous restraint and dignity while committing the most unimagineable crimes and immoral acts.
This matters because everyone must know what he is working with, his toolkit so to speak, when working on his midos. Someone supposedly remarked to R’ Moshe Feinstein that they were astonished at how he restrained his anger (I believe this was the legendary “ink on the precious Talmud” incident). Supposedly he responded, “I have worked very hard on this trait” — the message being, don’t merely think I am a mild-mannered person. I’m not. My restraint is the result of … restraint. In fact, it is certain that R’ Moshe was not actually, at this stage of his life, restraining himself at this moment. A lifetime of discipline, begun with early efforts at self-restraint of a mida he recognized within himself, certainly broke the back of any inclination he had toward lashing out at all. He became great at what had once been his weakness, demonstrating a principle of self-improvement I first heard expressed by R’ Yitzchok Berkowitz.
As you point out, therefore, one’s “middos constellation” has to be fully considered when making the self-evaluation necessary for self-improvement. R’ Moshe was telling his companion just how much can be achieved, and thereby giving him the encouragement to face his own most challenging tasks in tikun ha-midos [improvement of character traits] himself.
This can be done by anyone, Jew or gentile, regardless of religious orientation or philosophy. Your fundamental point, however, regarding hashkofa [outlook], is critical, and in my view is now properly understood: Our awareness of God and of His hashkofa protis [management of every aspect of the world], first, gives us an incentive us to do learn self control, seeing as how — to use your example — anger is compared to idol worship.
And secondly, this understanding of how the universe really works, as you say; of the fundamental justice that Hashem exercises in all things; of our need to trust in Him that our needs will be taken care of; and seeing all worldly events as somehow for our benefit — this outlook is a special tool the Torah gives us to aid in developing this self control and, eventually, doing for “bad midos” what teshuva [repentance] does for bad acts — turns them inside out and makes weaknesses into strengths!