Advice on Bar Mitzvah Lessons?

10 comments on “Advice on Bar Mitzvah Lessons?”

1. Rabbi Shlomo Freifeld zatzal had a very close connection with the talmidim of his Yeshiva, Shor Yoshuv. Most of the men and women of his Kehillah in Far Rockaway were Baalei-Teshuvah and Gairim. The Shor Yoshuv Kehillah to this day holds strictly to the policy that Bar Mitzvah boys do not lain at all, not even their Haftarah. All they do is get called for an aliya and say the Brochos over the Torah, but the designated reader Baal Korei is the only one who lains. Rav Freifeld zatzal instituted this policy in his Kehillah because he saw that boys were being cruelly pressured by their parents to “perform.” Boys who kept making too many mistakes in their Bar Mitzvah lessons actually got hit by nervous fathers.

   I wonder about some of the facts in this scenario. Do the parents expect to condense ten years of chinuch into a few hours of lessons? Do they expect the tutor to wave a magic wand and immediately make the boy fluent in speaking and reading Ivrit? Will the boy be expected to lain his complete Torah portion and Haftarah or will he simply be reciting the Brochos? Did the parents actually sit down and LISTEN to the boy telling them how he wants to observe his Bar Mitzvah, or did they just TELL HIM what they want him to do? How do the parents’ expectations of what the lessons will accomplish mesh with the reality of what the boy is able to accomplish?

   I spoke to all three of my sons about a year before their Bar Mitzvahs to find out what THEY wanted. My oldest boy said he only wanted to lain his Haftarah, not his Parshah. The second and third wanted to lain both the Parshah and the Haftarah. Whatever they wanted was OK with me and my husband. Ironically, going back to what I mentioned in the beginning about the policy of the Shor Yoshuv Kehillah, all of my sons went to school with Shor Yoshuv boys. Since most of their classmates weren’t going to lain, there was no peer pressure to outdo, or keep up with, anybody else in the class.

2. (sorry, I hit submit too soon) He has definitely had a few boys hang around to learn more post-Bar Mitzvah, so he must be doing *something* right. :-)

3. I will assume likewise; while I know he requires some shul attendance towards the end and helps with tefillin, I am not present for the lessons, and most of the non-frum kids he teaches do not live close enough to invite for Shabbos.

   I’m not sure how much explicit “mitzvos are a joy” comes across through being *told* – as opposed to *experienced*.

4. LC (#6) wrote: Because if he’s (the boy) going to be responsible for his own aveiros, he might as well have a clue what they would be.

   LC, It’s good that your husband is giving an overview of Jewish responsibility and tradition to the aspiring B’nei Mitzvah.

   I’ll assume, although you didn’t mention it, that he also orients them to the joys and rewards of mitzvah observance. After all, that’s what led many of us to become Baalei Teshuvah.

5. What do the lessons entail? Learning to lein and say the brachos which he’ll use once to perform, or learning about what it means to be Jewish?

   For all that I can understand the parents’ desire to “show off” their prize son, if it’s just another chore and has no relevance for him, bribery is about all there is.

   My husband teaches pre-Bar Mitzvah boys. The frum kids learn to lein.

   The others (he gets sent a steady stream) get Hebrew language basics, Jewish holiday cycle, plus whatever he can fit in, plus the brachos for an aliyah and haftarah. So they have a kesher to yiddishkeit. Because if he’s (the boy) going to be responsible for his own aveiros, he might as well have a clue what they would be. And have the option to work towards a Torah lifestyle.

6. If the parents can help their son to view the Bar Mitzvah training as being connected to his life from then on, and not just as an episode, they can possibly motivate him.

7. The parents know very little about Judaism, like many non observant people, but they do value their Judaism and they want their son to have a Jewish identity of which a Bar Mitzvah is part of that process.

8. If the idea of the lessons is to get him safely through one life event but not for him to live up to Torah obligations from then on, there is a disconnect. Possibly, the boy realizes that.

9. I would ask what is important to my friend about the lessons and the B/M. I would also ask what the boy’s objection is. Such questions might help my friend clarify their goals — and once the goals are clear it is easier to consider how to get there.

10. To take the advice of the Rambam, I’d recommend bribery. Perhaps giving some “nuts or figs” won’t cut it nowadays but the other examples the Rambam gives for age-appropriate bribes include nice clothes, shoes, and money, and I suspect all of those have currency b’zman hazeh.

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