Today I did something I’d like to delete from my supernal report card. I googled the name of someone I dislike just to take him down. Yes, I’m jealous. X is an uneducated boor, crass, ostentatious, but blessed, it seems with a talent for earning easy money.
What my search turned up wasn’t the stuff of the Yom Kippur afternoon Torah reading, just some potential securities fraud, tax swindles and other practices that could fall under the general heading “sketchy.â€
“Ha Haâ€, I thought, “Unless X’s lawyers are really sharp he’ll soon be wearing orange. I bet he’s even got that color in his wardrobe already. Won’t that save the Feds a bundle.â€
Later on though , my higher self kicked in. X’s affairs were not my business. I had no justification for my inquiry, no Toeles. Plus I was guilty of a full fledged violation of the laws of Loshon Hara, seventeen negative commandments and 14 positive ones according to the Hafetz Haim.
Why did I even go there?. Was it worth upsetting Hashem for the momentary thrill of taking X down? I could almost feel the slime droplets dripping off my soul. How would I shower myself clean? One day, I’d bring an animal to the temple but for now there was teshuva, repentence, especially now when Hashem is in our corner rooting for us.
So I’m klopping al cheit over googling sins conducted resolving not to do it again..
But that isn’t enough. For my teshuva to be good, I need to think well of X, disbelieve all that I read, and see him in a good light and that isn’t just to be nice.. Since Hashem judges me as I judge others if I come down on X , Hashem will come down on me.
Switching mental gears isn’t easy. I’m scrawling X’s name on a post it note stuck into my siddur at shema koleinu, the place for personal request so that I can ask Hashem to let me see him with “good†generous eyes.
The best way to develop those generous eyes is by counting my own blessings, realizing that Hashem isn’t just kind of X, He’s more than kind to me.
Here’s a short list of things I can thank Hashem for-not in any particular order. My eyes, my ears, my mouth, my teeth, my fillings (imagine life without dentistry) my ability to use a computer, my kids, my husband, my car, my air conditioner, regular trash collection, the food I have in my fridge (even the left over meatballs no one wants to eat) my home, even when it’s messy. And that is only a start. Since I’ve got plenty, can’t X have plenty too?
In one of her final conversations, the victims of the tragic Israeli train track van collision said that people need to rise up above their own pettiness. She said that our own small mindedness actually prevents the final redemption. With terrorism returning the New York Times reporting that the Palestinian State is on it’s way, we Jews need Moshiach badly. If cleaning up my own personal relationships will help Moshiach to come, then consider me a member of the clean team.
There was a spirited and thorough discussion on a different thread as to the halachic distinctions between a willful (“lehachis”) violator and someone who is ignorant of Jewish observance (“tinok shenishba” or “captured child” as per Rav Moshe Feinstein, ztzl).
The sefer Chofetz Chaim gives details about who deserves the benefit of the doubt in various situations and who does not. There are some “certified” bad people who do not.
Anxious Ima, here’s a trick that helps me to look at others with an ayin tov, good eye. I imagine that everyone I see has been for years the primary caregiver for a sick, elderly parent. There’s a story about how a distinguished rabbi was told that his companion in Olam Haba after 120 years would be a simple butcher. Perturbed, the noted rabbi took a journey to the butcher’s home town to discover what special mitzvos the butcher did. The rabbi found out that this simple butcher took devoted care every day of his aged, infirm mother and father, bathing and feeding them personally. So when I see a Jew eating treif or driving on Shabbos, I tell myself that he/she is probably totally involved in performing Kibud Ov V’Eim. I know that even a great mitzvah doesn’t get rid of an aveirah, but it helps me to understand that even someone who appears outwardly to be a total rasha, completely wicked, may actually have redeeming factors that I know nothing about.