1. Listen to the wise advice of Pirkei Avos. Make yourself a rabbi and acquire yourself a friend. It’s essential to have a reachable rabbi who has a good brain, a good heart, a sense of humor and lots of practical good sense. It’s also important to have an understanding and patient friend whom you can cry on, vent on and kvetch on.
2. Don’t be like the guy who’s always changing the hands on his wristwatch whenever he spots a different time on someone else’s. Maybe, just maybe, the other guy is wrong! And that’s even if the other guy is an FFB going back to the Vilna Gaon. That’s why you need the reachable rabbi and the patient friend mentioned in #1.
3. Having too much money will never be a problem again.
4. Having too much leisure time will also never be a problem again.
5. Angels are perfect. Human beings, even if they wear black hats or sheitels, are not.
6. It is the most wonderful experience in the world to be a grandparent to frum from birth grandchildren. Unfortunately, you first have to pass through a stage known as Being a Parent. Being a parent to frum children is a three-way race to see what you lose first: all your sanity, all your money, or all your hair.
7. Parts of New York are their own planet.
8. Do one tremendous awesome Yom Kippur to atone for all of those sins in your previous non-frum existence. From then on, take it one year at a time.
9. Learn to read Hebrew. You don’t need to actually speak it, unless you’re planning on moving to Israel. You do, however, need to learn frummisher sprach (all of those Yiddish-Yinglish-whatever slangy expressions which are sprinkled through FFB speech). “Our b’chor won Chosson Bereishis on Simchas Torah at his Yeshiva Gedola by pledging to learn two thousand blatt.” “Bli ayin harah, my machatenesta is in remission from yenem’s machalah.” “The rav’s aynekel’s bris was on Shabbos Chol Hamoed, so they invited the entire kehillah to a fleishige seudah in the shul sukkah.” English, of course, right? But would anyone not part of our culture understand what you were trying to say?
10. Reach out beyond your reachable rabbi and your patient friend to a support group, like the people right here at Beyond BT dot com.
11. Distinguish between those family members who are supportive and those who are toxic. Spend quality time with those who are supportive and caring. Send Rosh Hashanah cards once a year to those who are not.
12. Gehinnom was created on Erev Shabbos. That’s why Fridays are frantic and stress-filled no matter whether sunset is four-thirty or eight-thirty.
13. Bosses are generally more willing to let you leave early on Friday if you work late on Thursday. The problem is, that’s also when you have to shop and cook for Shabbos. So say goodbye to any chance of getting to sleep at a decent hour Thursday nights.
14. If you have two cents the kids’ yeshivos will take it. See Number Three above.
15. Find a spouse who’s in it for the long haul.
16. Pray to G-d a lot.
I’m sure my fellow BT’s out there will have their own tips, strategies and survival secrets to pass along to new BT’s (hopefully without scaring them off). Originally Posted on Jan 19, 2010.
Let me get back on topic here. TG, I hope you had a wonderful Tu B’Shevat and an excellent Pesach and a glorious Shavuos.
To all new BT’s: Enjoy the summer, have a meaningful Nine Days, get recharged for the New Year ahead.
Does it say in Pesachim why the space for Gehinnom was created before the fire? Sort of like there has to be an appropriate vessel to contain something way before the something itself is created?
That is the fire of Gehinnom, but the space for Gehinnom was created before the world. I thought that the resolution of that discrepancy is part of the sugya in Pesachim. I learned the Perek Revi’i in Pesachim but haven’t chazered it in a while.
Is there a third citation to anyplace in Shas where the discrepancy between Nedarim 39b and Pesachim 54a is explained? Nedarim 39b saying that Gehinnom was created before the world, and Pesachim 54a saying it was created on Erev Shabbos. It would be really interesting to hear what Chazal said about this.
Pesachim 54a, the fire of Gehinnom was created on Erev Shabbos.
TG, thank you for finding the citation to Nedarim 39b. According to Raba’s view, Gehinnom was not created on Erev Shabbos but before the Six Days of Creation. I stand corrected. I do believe that there is another Aggadita that refers to evil demons being created right before Shabbos. So I will in the future BSD refer to the evil demons rather than Gehinnon as a reason why Fridays are so filled with frustration and fighting.
I hope that your Seder for Tu B’Shevat was enjoyable, especially with your seventeen different fruits and whole olives. I don’t know what kind of Seder one could conduct on Rosh Hashanah sheini (are you referring to 1 Cheshvan or to a different date on the Jewish calendar?)
Maybe, may be
Meanwhile I’ve decided to write a seder for Rosh HaShanah sheini
TG,
I’m only responding because your words are so sincere, and perhaps another perspective will shed some light on the issues.
“For example I set up a shile erev shabbat every week for months…but was never invited to the new shule when the congregation moved.”
I have a suspicion no one in that congregation received gilded invitations to the new location. You knew they were moving, your seat neighbor knew they were moving. Your seat neighbor moved with the shul, simply because his shul was moving. He didn’t think twice. You thought you were supposed to be “invited” to a new location. I think that’s a product of your discomfort and that you aren’t sure you are wanted in many settings, social or otherwise.
“I offered to help with the sukkah to the family mentioned before, and was politely dissuaded.”
That’s OK. In our home, Sukkah building is set aside as quality time between Dad and boys- we also prefer no help, and will refuse such, politely.
“You may think I’m ungrateful, but in the 4 years that I went to that family, the conversation was never something I could take home. Essentially, lets eat and say good night.”
Some families can offer good food and the selfless acts of having a guest over week after week, giving up privacy for the sake of sharing their food, their home, and their company. Some families offer stimulating conversation. Some families offer deep Torah discussion. If a guest doesn’t care for the first type, why continue to come and eat their food for so long? Does every giving family need to be all things to all people? They are to be commended for what they offer.
“My attitude has changed now. If I’m wanted, people know where to find me. I do badly need a havruta, but other than that, I’ll survive.”
Could it be that perhaps this was your attitude even before? That might be the root of a lot of what you describe.
“And, essentially it was not my fault. I was learning, but people around me just routinely came for prayers and went home.”
Most people have *some* good. Most people have something from which we can learn. It might require the effort of coming out of our own daled amos, and for some people with more introverted tendencies, that’s a challenge. It is well worth it, however, even on a small scale.
If anyone had ever asked me for anything, I tried to do what I could. For example I set up a shile erev shabbat every week for months…but was never invited to the new shule when the congregation moved.
I offered to help with the sukkah to the family mentioned before, and was politely dissuaded.
You may think I’m ungrateful, but in the 4 years that I went to that family, the conversation was never something I could take home. Essentially, lets eat and say good night. I got used to it in the end. Than realised I was getting nowhere fast. And, essentially it was not my fault. I was learning, but people around me just routinely came for prayers and went home.
My attitude has changed now. If I’m wanted, people know where to find me. I do badly need a havruta, but other than that, I’ll survive.
Judy, re Gehinnom: Talmud Nedarim 39b, it is stated that Raba expounded that “… seven things were created before the world: the Torah, repentance, the Garden of Eden, Gehinnom, the Throne of Glory, the Temple, and the name of the Messiah.â€
now the interesting thing here is that teshuvah was created before makom het!
It’s easy to accuse a community of being indifferent and uncaring to newcomers. Singles and BT’s who are tired of being lonely frequently complain that no one ever makes an effort to reach out to them or to invite them for holidays.
However, chesed is not a one-way street. What about BT’s and singles offering to assist the exhausted parents of special-needs children by donating a few hours of free babysitting? A family invites you for Friday night meals every week? Help them with their Pesach cleaning or with building their sukkah.
It may sound trite but you get what you give. If you are a “taker” of course you will come to feel that everyone else around you is a “taker” too. Singles and BT’s have no automatic entitlement to receive chesed from the established Orthodox Jewish community. Doing kindness can flow the other way too.
I’ve seen comments from time to time in which a BT says or implies that the whole responsibility for the BT’s integration into a community falls onto the community. Says who?
I am eternally, extremely grateful, for the good friends who share their Shabbat tables with my kids and me, whether they invite us or we call to activate the standing invitation. However, it’s hard to be a perpetual guest, especially if there are times when you WANT to be a host, or enjoy a quiet Shabbat on your own.
We are fellow human beings 7 days a week. We should get to know each other around the barbecue grill as well as we know each other around the Shabbat table. Besides being fun, it gives us a chance to elevate the ordinary. Besides enjoying a ballgame together, we get to share Torah, bentch (Birkat Hamazon – Grace After Meals) with a mezuman (quorum of three) and if it’s a big enough group, daven with a minyan.
It would be great to have the sharing, and the privacy, distributed across the entire week.
“‘…can’t you possibly cut other people a little slack? Maybe that family that invited you for a meal almost every Friday was really trying their best to show an interest in you…and you didn’t let them.’ – for 4 years?”
TG, you were welcome to eat every Friday at their home for 4 years? Wow. That’s a very incredible family who puts sharing with guests over their personal privacy. A genuine appreciation of that in lieu of cynicism might have given your a different perspective.
“’Perhaps if you become more approachable, other people will approach you more.’- More approachable, he:) There is a joke that to get a dog to play with their ugly child the parents hung a steak around the child’s neck. Maybe I should try wearing a blank cheque ;)
Do you think I shy away from contact with others? Not at all. However, I do not have the hutzpah (untranslatable into English) to walk up to people and introduce myself. It seems to me in a welcoming community the members of the community should take the interest in new arrivals. So far not so good.”
I think Judy has a point. I understand your automatic rebuttal, but after that, it might be something on which to reflect. Furthermore, consider that after the initial few months, you are no longer a “newcomer”, even if the community has been so unwelcoming as you say. Now it is your turn to approach others, newcomers and others, extend of yourself (no, not with cash- it’s silly to think that every potential friend is only looking for your cash), and think of ways to give to your community. Even if the community has been as rude as you describe, you don’t retain the label of “newcomer” forever. Reach out to others, instead of waiting for others to reach out to you. Introductions, small talk, and an expression of genuine interest in your conversational partner entails only basic social skills.
Despite your assertion that “it doesn’t bother you”, you never know. Perhaps a slight change in perspective may bring you the warmth and sense of community that a person of your discernment might enjoy.
“Wow, TG, sorry you disliked my little list so much!”
I didn’t dislike it….just could not relate to it
“In the sole interest of clarity of expression, what’s wrong with occasionally using an appropriate non-English word or two?” there is more to masekhet Klayim than pshat :)
“For instance, isn’t it difficult using only English to get through the intermediate days of the Festival of Tabernacles, sitting in a booth and waving the Four Species, making a blessing on your palm branch and citron, then finally on the day of Great Praisesong making seven circuits around the reader’s desk?” – yes
“If you particularly hate the word “frum†then feel free to say “observant†or “Orthodox†or “Haredi†or whatever term you feel is most suitable.” – or Jew?
“But please also note that English itself is a polyglot tongue, having embraced words from literally dozens of other languages.” – English is primarily Ancient German and Medieval French
“…why should it mind if I use a Yiddish word like frum?” – What do you get when you mate two mongrels? Speaking English is not ideal for a Jew, but speaking very bad English is worse (I’m not an English speaker from birth)
“I don’t remember from what source I got that Gehinnom was created on Erev Shabbos.” – perhaps Midrash Rabbah, but it annys me when I see rabbis spin a dvar Trah for Shabbat with no references to sources knowing full well te halakha that one is obligated to cit in who’s name he or she is teaching something
“TG, I was surprised by your observation that “Frum Jews prefer to employ goyim.†Where do you get this?” – life expereince
“Did you personally get turned down for a job by an Orthodox Jewish company in favor of some non-Jewish worker?” – no, there are not that many here. But,with few exceptions, most employ non-Jews. Next preference is for non-observant Jews.
My set of skills and experiences is quite wide and I can usually find wok in almost any organisation.
“TG, if you are still looking for employment, you might want to try some of the well known Orthodox Jewish job training and placement programs, such as CMES and COPE.” – I’m not in US. Don’t need more training.
“…can’t you possibly cut other people a little slack? Maybe that family that invited you for a meal almost every Friday was really trying their best to show an interest in you…and you didn’t let them.” – for 4 years?
“Isn’t it time now to move forward and start judging other Orthodox Jewish people dan l’chaf zechus, favorably?” – Ihave. Don’t expect anything anymore. Orthodox Jews are just lik everyone else, except they pray three times a day and wear tefillin.
“Perhaps if you become more approachable, other people will approach you more.”- More approachable, he:) There is a joke that to get a dog to play with their ugly child the parents hung a steak around the child’s neck. Maybe I should try wearing a blank cheque ;)
Do you think I shy away from contact with others? Not at all. However, I do not have the hutzpah (untranslatable into English) to walk up to people and introduce myself. It seems to me in a welcoming community the members of the community should take the interest in new arrivals. So far not so good.
Anyway, I’m not bothered about it now.
What I love, and why I became observant in the first place, is learning Torah not networking.
Today I collected my 17 fruits, including whole olives that no-one seems to have acquired yet, or not aware of their significance, and I’m going to enjoy my TU b’Shvat until I burst :)
Cheers
One thing I would suggest, especially in light of some of the comments here, would be for BTs to retain some of the good things they learned during their secular lives – flexibility, empathy for all people, and a sense of humor. These will help you survive. Another thing is to recognize that frum society has its own culture. Depending on what type of person you are, this may create a substantial dissonance with your own personal approach to things. You don’t have to adopt all of it (or any of it) in order to be a good Jew. Also, you are allowed to continue to trust your instincts – not everything you inner voices tell you is from your “yetzer hara.” Keep in touch with yourself.
For more about Yiddish as a language, I would recommend reading Aaron Lansky’s enjoyable book, Outwitting History. Lansky is the founder of the National Yiddish Book Center in Massachusetts, which saved about a million and a half Yiddish books literally from the dumpster. More than just a repository for holding Yiddish books, the Center also has in its collection other items such as sheets of Yiddish music and wax disks from Yiddish radio programs.
Although the great Yiddish literary tradition of Europe was tragically ended by the Holocaust, the language refuses to die. The biggest irony, given that Yiddish was the language of the secularists eighty years ago, is that it survives as a spoken language mainly among Chasidim and Chareidim. (Russian Jewish speakers of Yiddish are mostly elderly and they are not transmitting it to their children).
I know very very little Yiddish, but my sons understand it a lot better than I do. They had to learn it in order to understand their Yeshiva Rebbes who gave shiurim and shmuessen in that language.
“Making a rabbi for oneself is EXTREMELY difficult. For one thing, communal (shule) rabbis are in too much of a demand. ”
I guess I have not experienced this. Yes, rabbis with large shuls are exceptionally busy, but in most communities there are active rabbis who work as teachers, chaplains, rabbis of small shuls, etc. One thing that we do not have in short supply in our community is rabbis!
“Clarification – parts of New York are off the planet :) ”
I lived most of my life outside of New York moving here only at the age of 43. Even non-Jewish culture in NYC is very different from that in the rest of the US.
“except Yiddish which is not a proper language, and is I think worth loosing.”
Huh? Yiddish is certainly a complete modern language, and has a huge literary tradition! What has surprised me is how few *religious* works were written in it. But that does not mean that it is worth “losing”.
1. Realize that the “war stories” we hear, positive or negative, may or may not apply to our own situations.
2. Take comfort in minor improvements as well as major ones.
3. Setbacks are not the end of the world.
4. You cannot dictate to people, nor they to you.
5. Most Jews want to do the right thing. However, many are often hazy as to what that is; they are not out to get you.
6. Make yourself into a better friend.
Wow, TG, sorry you disliked my little list so much!
In the sole interest of clarity of expression, what’s wrong with occasionally using an appropriate non-English word or two? For instance, isn’t it difficult using only English to get through the intermediate days of the Festival of Tabernacles, sitting in a booth and waving the Four Species, making a blessing on your palm branch and citron, then finally on the day of Great Praisesong making seven circuits around the reader’s desk?
If you particularly hate the word “frum” then feel free to say “observant” or “Orthodox” or “Haredi” or whatever term you feel is most suitable. But please also note that English itself is a polyglot tongue, having embraced words from literally dozens of other languages. If the English language hasn’t complained about Greek words like archaeology and Arabic words like algebra and Latin words like dicta and French words like journal and Italian words like soprano and German words like kindergarten and Spanish words like rodeo, why should it mind if I use a Yiddish word like frum?
As far as learning Pirkei Avos goes, my impression was that it’s a popular subject for Shabbos afternoon shiurim between Pesach and Shavuos. Years ago, there was given out at a local shul dinner a handsome little hardcover pocket-sized illustrated Pirkei Avos with English translation. It was a really nifty little edition and soon became one of the favorite additions to my library. After frequent reading and re-reading, a great many of the translated sayings of Pirkei Avos wound up sticking in my mind.
I don’t remember from what source I got that Gehinnom was created on Erev Shabbos. I believe that there is an Aggadita somewhere where it discusses all of the things that were created by HKBH on Erev Shabbos right before Shabbos began. Really sorry that I can’t recall the exact citation. I think that there is a whole list of some very strange items that were created at that time, sort of everything that was not part of the “normal” or “natural” six days of creation: Gehinnom, demons, etc. I admit that I did not originate the idea of a connection between Gehinnom having been created on Erev Shabbos and all of the hassle involved in getting ready for Shabbos, but I frankly do not remember who wrote it or where I read it, else I would give proper credit where credit is due.
TG, I was surprised by your observation that “Frum Jews prefer to employ goyim.” Where do you get this? Please understand that I’m not asking for a statistical analysis from the Department of Labor or a pie chart. Did you personally get turned down for a job by an Orthodox Jewish company in favor of some non-Jewish worker? I can understand that, for certain low-prestige jobs requiring brute strength and difficult working conditions, non-Jews might possibly be favored (think of the kind of people who take jobs as movers, roofers, landscape gardeners, graveyard diggers, superintendents of large apartment buildings, warehouse assistants, forklift drivers).
I have personally experienced the opposite: that Orthodox Jews try to hire other Orthodox Jews. For example, my oldest daughter originally obtained a job in an Orthodox Jewish insurance office through an Orthodox Jewish organization which had a job program that helped place trainees and pay part of their salaries. She has no problem with getting off Shabbos or Yom Tov. TG, if you are still looking for employment, you might want to try some of the well known Orthodox Jewish job training and placement programs, such as CMES and COPE.
Lastly, TG, sorry you went through such negative experiences. But, can’t you possibly cut other people a little slack? Maybe that family that invited you for a meal almost every Friday was really trying their best to show an interest in you…and you didn’t let them. Certainly it’s understandable that your short marriage and subsequent divorce led to considerable bitterness. Isn’t it time now to move forward and start judging other Orthodox Jewish people dan l’chaf zechus, favorably? Perhaps if you become more approachable, other people will approach you more.
About 15 years ago, I was asked to teach a Baal Teshuvah who was newer than me. This was one-on-one learning: one teacher and one student.
Each week, I asked my student to memorize ONE important Hebrew word for the next week, and every week I discovered that he never memorized the word I asked him to learn the previous week.
As the weeks progressed, I became increasingly frustrated at my student’s failure to learn the ONE word I asked him to memorize. Eventually I terminated the lessons.
In the rabbinic tradition rules require commentary, so here goes
1. Listen to the wise advice of Pirkei Avos. Make yourself a rabbi and acquire yourself a friend. It’s essential to have a reachable rabbi who has a good brain, a good heart, a sense of humor and lots of practical good sense. It’s also important to have an understanding and patient friend whom you can cry on, vent on and kvetch on.
* Most frum Jews do not learn Pirke Avot, or at best ‘read’ it. Its not even printed as part of the Artscroll Sha”S that most BTs use.
* Making a rabbi for oneself is EXTREMELY difficult. For one thing, communal (shule) rabbis are in too much of a demand. IF there is a kollel in the city you are in, its rabbis are too committed to learning to give much time when a BT needs it.
* Acquiring friends is excruciatingly difficult because most people don’t understand what a friend is supposed to be. I have met only one frum person in 13 years who understood that such a person is someone who is closer than a biological brother. Most people THINK that becoming close with someone will obligate them to help in some material way. I went to a shule for 4 years, and not one person there EVER asked me for my phone number. It may be me, of course. One family invited me for a meal almost every Friday, but displayed detached feelings towards me.
* And what does mishna really say in full? Accept a teacher upon yourself; acquire a friend for yourself, and judge everyone favorably. One cannot judge without understanding Torah, so what it says is, find a havruta, and for a BT finding a havruta is second in degrees of difficulty only to finding a shidukh….particularly among FFBs
2. Don’t be like the guy who’s always changing the hands on his wristwatch whenever he spots a different time on someone else’s. Maybe, just maybe, the other guy is wrong! And that’s even if the other guy is an FFB going back to the Vilna Gaon. That’s why you need the reachable rabbi and the patient friend mentioned in #1.
* Here is a crazy idea…FFBs are so different in their understanding of the Haza”l (actually Shulkhan Arukh) because they don’t really understand it, so go with a meforash of choice by either his family or his yeshiva rebbi, or if he is a hutzpan, of his own preference…of course BTs know and understand nothing, so how dare they question mesora which the FFB of the moment can’t trace further than a couple of centuries
3. Having too much money will never be a problem again.
* Sure, because everyone will remind you of the value of tzadoka until the money runs out, at which point most people will go from slap on the back to a polite nod from a distance as a greeting.
4. Having too much leisure time will also never be a problem again.
* And what if I never had leisure tome in the first place? I9 don’t know what ‘frum’ people do for leisure because I have never been invited to participate.
5. Angels are perfect. Human beings, even if they wear black hats or sheitels, are not.
* And what is an angel? 10:1 that no FFB will ever succinctly define this term based on Torah or Haza”l source because they usually skip the sugiya that mentions them. Hassidim will go into terminological gymnastics for an hour clarifying only that they have no clue either…
6. It is the most wonderful experience in the world to be a grandparent to frum from birth grandchildren. Unfortunately, you first have to pass through a stage known as Being a Parent. Being a parent to frum children is a three-way race to see what you lose first: all your sanity, all your money, or all your hair.
* Thankfully I will never be a parent to ‘frum’ children, only Torah observant Jews. We are leaving Yiddish behind.
7. Parts of New York are their own planet.
* Clarification – parts of New York are off the planet :) Of course those parts do not encourage study of sciences, so are rarely aware of the definition of planet and concepts associated with it.
8. Do one tremendous awesome Yom Kippur to atone for all of those sins in your previous non-frum existence. From then on, take it one year at a time.
* If someone even prayed one day, nay, one of the three prayer services in a day with a minyan as intended, that would be a HUGE advancement. I have never been in a minyan that could do that, so why speak of Yom Kippur.
9. Learn to read Hebrew. You don’t need to actually speak it, unless you’re planning on moving to Israel. You do, however, need to learn frummisher sprach (all of those Yiddish-Yinglish-whatever slangy expressions which are sprinkled through FFB speech). “Our b’chor won Chosson Bereishis on Simchas Torah at his Yeshiva Gedola by pledging to learn two thousand blatt.†“Bli ayin harah, my machatenesta is in remission from yenem’s machalah.†“The rav’s aynekel’s bris was on Shabbos Chol Hamoed, so they invited the entire kehillah to a fleishige seudah in the shul sukkah.†English, of course, right? But would anyone not part of our culture understand what you were trying to say?
* ‘Frum’ people don’t speak Lashon Kodesh, and rarely speak Ivrit in English-speaking diaspora, so how does one learn a language one doesn’t use. Hassidim can’t speak any language properly except Yiddish which is not a proper language, and is I think worth loosing.
* Here is a another crazy idea…Jews should speak Jewish among themselves :) Which would that be? Many ‘yeshivish’ men and women use Aramaic terms without even knowing it, but often struggle in a conversation with an Israeli. They ‘spice’ their language with Yiddish, but ignore English grammar. People of the book, but apparently not a grammar one.
* After reading your advice I am going to make an extra effort to NOT use any non-English words in my English conversation, and redouble my efforts to learn Ivrit
10. Reach out beyond your reachable rabbi and your patient friend to a support group, like the people right here at Beyond BT dot com.
* Reaching out includes having someone to reach. In general, frum people don’t like being reached by BTs. I think its because yeshivot don’t teach social skills, and many have terrible manners, though they are supposed to learn them from Haza”l if not their rabbis. Hassidim often have no manners at all based on my secular tradition
11. Distinguish between those family members who are supportive and those who are toxic. Spend quality time with those who are supportive and caring. Send Rosh Hashanah cards once a year to those who are not.
* I have no family to speak of, and no one ever sent me a Rosh HaShanah card, because in the first four years of my BTship because no one actually asked me where I live. I have to say that this has changed a bit since I moved cities – they ask the street.
12. Gehinnom was created on Erev Shabbos. That’s why Fridays are frantic and stress-filled no matter whether sunset is four-thirty or eight-thirty.
* I had never heard this. What is the source? But I think thats probably right. Many a times I have been invited by people for Shabbat meals who only nod at me during the week in the mistaken belief that I was bereft of food on Shabbat, but besieged by friends and family during the week.
13. Bosses are generally more willing to let you leave early on Friday if you work late on Thursday. The problem is, that’s also when you have to shop and cook for Shabbos. So say goodbye to any chance of getting to sleep at a decent hour Thursday nights.
* Really? Obviously you have only had good experiences trying to find work where at the interview I have to explain that I live on a Jewish calendar and clock…and never hear from the potential employer again. Frum Jews prefer to employ goyim…
14. If you have two cents the kids’ yeshivos will take it. See Number Three above.
* In nearly a year at a yeshiva I was approached by a rabbi (same rabbi) only five times, and each time he only asked for $500 cash, so clearly whatever the parents of the other FFB students contributed was insufficient.
15. Find a spouse who’s in it for the long haul.
* Done, but no thanks to ‘frum’ people (see the dreaded NY ‘Shadkhan List’), or rabbis who ‘helped’ with the first marriage that ended in a Gett after 3 months
16. Pray to G-d a lot.
* First of course one needs to pray in a minyan (for a man), and then with tears, for all other gates are closed (Brochot 32a). I have NEVER seen anyone pray with tears, and I have been to small shules and big, those from marginally orthodox to highly haredi observance levels.
I’m sure my fellow BT’s out there will have their own tips, strategies and survival secrets to pass along to new BT’s (hopefully without scaring them off).
Advice
1. Learn to separate HaShem and His Torah from the people around you
2. Don’t expect anything from anyone. That way you will not be disappointed.
3. Do not become religious in the hope of finding friends, ‘spirituality’, purpose for life, a spouse, community, or any material benefit. Just learn Torah and be patient. When HaShem is ready, and if you are deserving, all these will come…slowly
4. Depend only on yourself.
5. If someone says something to you that you should do, ask them for the source in Haza”l (either the Babylonian or Jerusalem Talmuds, or some other Tannaic or Ammoraic source. If the person can’t do that, they don’t understand the root of what they are saying themselves.
6. IF in doubt, ask a rabbi, AND ask to see the relevant sugiya/sugiyot.
7. Don’t push anyone away; be weary of anyone trying to be ‘close’ too hard.
8. IF and when you marry, try to speak only Ivrit at home, which is the only way you will learn to talk like a Jew in an English-speaking country. Listen to Ivrit language radio even if you don’t understand it and wait for osmosis. Buy any book with nikudot and read.
9. Question every halakha and particularly every minhag someone insists you should be stringent in.
10. If you are fortunate to find a study partner (havruta), do everything to keep him or her in your life.
I should say that all of the above was experienced by me as a single male, or one in the process of divorcing. I’m hoping that maybe, just maybe, things will change after I am married again, this time to my bashert…
I would recommend that Baalei Teshuvah assign a high value to learning Hebrew.For myself, I made a big push at the beginning to develop my Hebrew and I’ve never regretted it.I’ve seen some Baalei Teshuvah observant for many years with very poor Hebrew skills and could see their frustration and how it held back their learning Torah.
Notice how many Jewish words refer to specific types of food. Not just Ashkenazim. The Sephardim will stuff you with lahmangine, kibeh, hamim, baklava, and a bunch of other delicious eats from the East.
Judy,
Your comment # 21 made me laugh :). Hot collation of calf’s foot jelly- yummy! :)
Is it possible to move at all after eating the above combination?
Judy,
I think that the English is a better representation of what is going on. We should eat healthier, more flavorful foods!
To Charlie Hall: Sometimes using a word in a different language actually makes things clearer than using straight English. Compare the following two sentences:
“On Shabbos Parshas Shemos, the Rav and Rebbetzin of my shul sponsored a big kiddush after davening for their son’s Bar Mitzvah. The entire kehillah enjoyed p’tcha, lukshen kugel, cholent and rugelach.”
“On the Sabbath when the first portion of the Book of Exodus was read, the spiritual leader of my religious congregation and his wife sponsored a hot collation after services for their son’s 13th birthday. The entire membership enjoyed calf’s foot jelly, noodle pudding, hot bean stew and cinnamon pastries.”
I wouldn’t be surprised, Gary. Very keen observation.
Neil (#18),
I wonder if the use of the word “by” is a translation of the Hebrew word “etzel.” For example, consider the phrase such as “Etzleinu hakol b’seder/By us everything is fine.”
Re #15
“Bei” is actually (and I only found this out 3 years ago) yiddish for “at”. For example: “The next time I’m in KGH, I hope to chop a minyan bei R Welcher”.
Re: #13 – getting to sleep too late Thursday can also make for grumpy Fridays. Make-up hours for Friday can also be spread out through the week, or done by coming in early. Shabbos prep can also be started on (gasp!) Wednesday. Soup can be cooked in advance in LARGE quantities and frozen in week-sized portions. Many kugels can be made double and frozen. ETC.
Bob, (#13),
My comment in #10 was an observation of something that I and other friends have experienced. I can’t predict what greeting will be prompted by all possible combinations of grooming and attire. I can report that people of many backgrounds use the practice of addressing someone by perceived ethnicity, and that I do so as well.
One might think that the greeter is using his “native” expression to extend Sabbatical salutations. However, on several occasions, people greeting me have “self-corrected” their “Gut Shabbos” to “Shabbat Shalom.”
When walking in Israel, the greeting that I have most commonly encountered is “Shabbat Shalom.”
When I greet someone with what I perceive is his preferred greeting, and when others do so to me, the exchange is always a friendly one, and that is the bottom line.
Greetings are but one custom about which a new ba’al/ba’alat teshuvah may be confused.
During my early years of observance, I made(and have kept) many new friends with a variety of customs. I have picked up a little bit from each one. Standing for all of Friday night kiddush is something that I adopted from one family, serving middle eastern foods is something that I learned from another, and so forth. These differences are a matter of individual practice, and I am not aware that they have any halachic significance. When confronted with an issue where the differences are a matter of halachah, such as what to serve on Pesach (Sephardim eat rice, Ashkenazim don’t) I either follow the practice that I grew up with in my traditional home or consult my Rav if necessary.
The amount of family tradition that each ba’al/ba’alat teshuvah brings to the table (or other setting) varies widely among individuals. In my case, I have most commonly added to those practices rather than replaced them.
Addendum to tip #9: Discard all prepositions from your vocabulary, except for the all-purpose “by”, as in: “We are having guests by our house”, or “The halacha by X is…”, or “Mmmm…the kitchen smells by delicious Shabbos cooking.” Sepharadim and most Yidden not by Brooklyn are (mostly) exempt by this rule. :-)
Thank you, everyone, for your friendly and appreciative comments on my posting.
With regard to the problems modern-day Orthodox Sephardic Jews may have with the use of Yiddish and Yinglish expressions, I would like to recount two true narratives.
1. Rabbi Avigdor Miller, zatzal, had a great many fans among the Syrian Jewish community of Flatbush. In fact, his famous Thursday night lectures were originally given at a building called The Sephardic Institute, starting about 1970, even before his kehillah moved from East Flatbush-Rugby to the Flatbush-Kings Highway neighborhood. Many of his Syrian Jewish supporters placed ads every year in his synagogue’s annual dinner journal.
Once Rabbi Miller gave a short Torah speech in the Yiddish language. He then said, “Let’s translate that into Sephardic,” and repeated what he had just said into English.
2. I once went to a small dinner held at the house of one of the Orthodox Sephardic Jewish women in our neighborhood. At the women’s table, I was the only Ashkenaz. The Sephardic women were talking about schools and their children. One of the women complained, “When my son wants to say Birkat Hamazon, instead of saying, “Rabotai n’voraych” he says “Rabosai mir vellen bentshen.” They were unhappy about the use of Yiddish rather than Hebrew in their sons’ schools. So the Sephardic rabbanit explained to them in beautiful Ivrit that Yiddish is also a language of Jewish mesorah. I don’t think the mothers there were entirely satisfied with that explanation. However, in our Far Rockaway neighborhood, the only yeshivos are Ashkenaz (there are Sephardic yeshivot in Brooklyn, fifty minutes away by car every morning).
I suspect that there are Sephardic-Jewish-Ladino-Spanish expressions that have crept into the popular conversation of American Sephardic Jews, similar to the Yinglish and Yiddicisms among Ashkenazi Jews. I think frankly that every culture develops its own kind of special lingo that’s incomprehensible to an outsider. I once read a children’s book telling the story of a group of Chinese-American children growing up in their particular Chinese-American neighborhood, and the author included a listing of common Chinese-American expressions (not really Chinese and not really English) in a short glossary at the end of the book.
Gary, if on Friday you wore a tie, had a full beard, but didn’t shave, what then?
You don’t need to actively learn yeshivish! You will pick it up along the way.
Not only that its a shame to the very valid points on the list to equate this as a requirement with it.
I hear people want to fit in as much as possible, but its fine, they will understand you if you say “meaty” as opposed to “fleishig”
And tbh I have never ever heard anyone refer to their son as a bchor! Even if he was.
Perhaps I don’t roll with people who are that yeshivish
I would actually recommend NOT trying to speak Yeshivish. Use proper English, Hebrew, Aramaic, Yiddish, Ladino, and Arabic, not a hodgepodge of multiple languages that just results in confusion.
Ken (#9),
In Brooklyn, people address you as what they think you are. If I shaved on Friday and I am wearing a tie, I get “Gut Shabbos.” If I didn’t shave, and am tieless, it’s Shabbat Shalom. To deal with this identity crisis, I make sure to have cholent and bourekas available every Shabbat/Shabbos.
Mordechai, if you’re Sepharadi and you live in a place with lots of Ashkenazim, you still need to speak their language. Sometimes they even freak out if you greet them saying “Shabbat shalom”, so don’t get too focused on speaking Sepharadi style. Besides, if you’re in the Sepharadi half jewry, you’ll need to become fluent in modern Hebrew, even if you’re in the US.
One’s time would be very well spent learning to read, write and speak Hebrew. One sememster in a community college Hebrew course should be a rite of passage for all diaspora Jews. After 40 years of stumbling on roots (of words, not trees) a six-week course made a tremendous difference in my prayer, study and enjoyment of time in Israel.
Ms. Resnick, a great post. Thanks!
On #9, only if you aren’t part of the fully half of the Jewish people who are Sfardi!
On #12, don’t worry. Shabbat always arrives on time, whether you’re prepared or not! ;-)
On #15, and make sure they have a sense of humor and can laugh with you and at themselves. There’s plenty of that for a hozer b’tshuvah!
The list was helpful and pretty inclusive, but I doubt any list could be right for every new BT.
For example, out in the boonies, BT’s may have no need for any but the most common yinglish expressions.
I understood everything you wrote in Yinglish except these two words: yenem’s machalah, which I have never ever heard anyone say. From context (and the word “remission,”) I can figure out what it has to be, though.
And I like #12 as an explanation.
Great list!
How true and how funny as well!
Don’t get all upset if you have a hard time getting your kid into school. It’s not just you, it’s alot of people, even FFB’s.
A new BT may have trouble recognizing that the “toxic” family member is actually someone who really cares. They should be encouraged to preserve family ties at a much higher level than annual RH cards. Hopefully, #1 will help with this.
#2 is great!!