On a school vacation day a number of years ago, here in the Holy Land, I’m out with my brood at an amusement park. The children are scattered; some on the bumper cars, others on trampolines and I’m at the plastic picnic tables along with the other bored adults, waiting for the kids to tire out or the place to shut down, whichever comes first.
Meanwhile, I’m using my idle moments to people watch pretending to be Marcel Proust sitting in a Parisian sidewalk, which of course, I’m not.
Most of the other patrons are secular Israelis, but then I see, one of us, a frum young mother cradling a newborn baby in her arms. She’s cute, the mother I mean: one of those rare creatures who combines her Yiddishkeit with an inbred funk. I’ll bet that she has jazz on her CD player and pesto and sundried tomatoes in her fridge and davens where no one winces at the long curls tumbling out of her beret or the fact that her flary skirt stops just above her knees.
She reminds me of a discarded earlier version of myself. I’ve since gotten stodgier, and frummer, taken on borer and bug checking, shatnez and tznius . But somehow in the course spiritual climb, I’ve gotten judgmental. It is almost as if someone managed to install a frumkeit checker in my brain which automatically monitors the madreiga of everyone I encounter.
Ooops , here comes the young mother’s reading several notches below me ( I could have guessed that) , definitely not Bais Yaacov material, wouldn’t pass through the admissions board in Kiryat Sefer…. a joke, a pseudo-orthodox Jew….. right?
I look at her again. Now I see that she isn’t alone. Along with her baby, she has another companion, a middle aged woman with thinning red hair dressed in black pants. Now, I put the pieces together.
The old woman is her mother and the young mother is one of us, a ba’alat teshuva, someone with the spiritual fine tuning to hear the Torah’s call over the media’s din. And she’s upended her identity, possibly changing her name, her address, her friends, to mend the broken links in the chain of tradition.
I imagine her fighting grueling internecine battles to establish a beachhead of kashrut and Shabbat and family purity—a real heroine.
The truth is that I’m making this up, but I’m making a point. I think I can size her up in a instant, but let’s be real, I can’t. Who can I size up? What do I know of the young mother’s life or anyone else’s life, for that matter?
So why the frumkeit checker?
A few reasons come up. It’s a kick, albeit an unhealthy one. Righteous indignation is a high. There is a perverse thrill in that irresistible “how dare she” feeling that comes from sneering at someone else’s (especially someone younger and cuter) deficiencies.
And the checker also deflects insecurity, by marginalizing anyone different and potentially threatening and it begs a little question that most of us don’t like to ask “what if she is right and I am wrong”. Putting her down changes that subject.
That is great, but it’s got a problem. The problem is that this isn’t the Torah’s approach. According to the Torah, when I encounter someone different what I need to determine is what I can learn from them, how I can use the interaction to grow .
As to the young mother I have no clue as to why her tznius is not quite normatively Halachic but I do know that she (and most everyone else in the place ) is a Jew.
Once upon a time, when a Jew met another Jew he’d call out Sholom Aleichem Reb Yid. Hello Mr. Jew, but that is mostly gone today, replaced by the frumkeit checker and it’s accessories, judgementalism and divisiveness.
I need to find my own Sholom Aleichem For this woman (and for all Jews) at least in my heart and to delegate the job of other people’s spiritual repair to the Kiruv Rabbis and G-d.
As soon as I get out of this park, I’ve got Pesach cleaning to do, and my first stop will be the hametz in my own head. Disabling that nasty frumkeit checker is a good first step.
Originally Published April 2009
Let me offer a thought on judging others.
Chazal speak of the Lamed Vov Tzaddikim, the thirty-six secret righteous individuals upon whom the very existence of the world depends. Now, one requirement of a lamedvovnik is that his status must remain secret. A lamedvovnik whose identity is discovered must die immediately so Lamedvovniks go to great lengths to conceal there status, often to the extent of appearing to be the opposite of what they are.
The lesson is, since a Lamedvovnik could look like anyone, it would seem wise to consider that any Jew might be a Lamedvovnik and should be judged accordingly.
It’s interesting that the example of immodest dress at a simcha is being brought up. Many of us have had the experience of sending out invitations to simchas with a line such as “please dress in accordance with Orthodox tradition” written on it. Some people, secular and non-Jews, will take the trouble to comply. And I’ve also seen secular Jews who will deliberately wear something with a low neckline as if to say “your rules do not apply to me”. I know that’s the sentiment, because I know the parties. But it would only create bad feelings for me to suggest that they cover up. In these cases, yes, my frum checker is clearly stating “not religious and threatened by my observances”.
Rishona said, “But if you see a guest for a bar mitzvah who happens to be wearing short sleeves and a skirt that falls above her knees, it would nothing but embarrassing to say something to her.”
It would probably be embarrassing to say something then and there, especially since no “repair” is possible there. But shouldn’t there be a way to get the point across tactfully/appropriately later on if you know that guest?.
Rishona, no one could dispute your point as applied to the examples you have selected.
Someone who causes more harm is not necessarily worse and I did not mean to imply that she is, only that I’m not sure she’s better. But come to think of it, גדול המחטי×ו יותר מהרגו – it’s worse to cause someone to sin than to kill him, let alone rob him.
(DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT CONDONE KILLING OR ROBBING.)
FFB –
If you would have left the paragraph at that, the effect would have been different, but the following was also included:
You may think she didn’t harm anyone, but Torah thinks she did, perhaps even more so than Madoff. Every impure thought created by her is everlasting, in this world and the next. She may have robbed a young bachur of his innocence, which is more precious than millions of dollars.
I you did not mean to make that into your clinching point, then I apologize. But my overall interpretation was formed with the aforementioned included.
Ron Coleman –
You have responsibility for yourself and the things that you have control over. Unless someone is coming to you with a shailah, you have to be very careful how and if you even correct someone who is doing something “wrong”. You certainly cannot do it if you do not have anything less than the most noble intentions in mind – and not because you just want to tell someone about themselves. For example, if you have an aspiring baal teshuva over for a Shabbos meal and their cell phone rings during it, then you can tell them (in a way that won’t embarrass them) that cell phones and the such are turned off on Shabbos. But if you see a guest for a bar mitzvah who happens to be wearing short sleeves and a skirt that falls above her knees, it would nothing but embarrassing to say something to her. It is not about relaxing standards or ignoring halacha. It is about acknowledging that the Torah is our wellspring and you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. Those who do not lead a life directed by Torah or who are not even interested have a different standard to live by and that really should not be so shocking.
You may want to read the following that came to me via e-mail this week: http://www.chesedclub.com/Tora-Study/View-List-Post.php?postID=501
ffb — your reading of the passuk doesn’t fit with Rashi, who claims that when Moshe said “Re’echa”, he is actually saying both fighting men were equally bad, hence he was judging both of them in actuality, according to Rashi.
We all agree: We have no idea whose sin is worse; this is basic Judaism and why we are cautioned not to consider some sins as “light” and others as “profound.”
I don’t understand this, however:
I think we can then stop blogging and commenting on any conduct at all. That’s okay but just tell me if that’s the new rule.
I’m sorry, I don’t follow this at all. What responsibility? To ignore right and wrong?
It also confuses me considering what precedes it. If “you” means FFB, why is it okay to decide she is ignoring her responsibility, but it is not okay to decide that a woman who holds herself out as observant but wears a skirt above the knee or a tight sweater, etc., is not ignoring hers?
Rishona wrote:
“My argument was not against tznius; it was against the implication that an immodestly dressed woman is worse than Bernie Madoff in her sin.”
I wrote:
“Is Madoff a rasha? Possibly. Is a nice, honest woman who knows exactly what’s wrong with a mini-skirt and low neckline but nevertheless parades like that in front of men any better? I don’t know.”
How does this mean that I judge the woman as being worse than Madoff? When I wrote “I don’t know” I meant “I don’t know if she’s better than Madoff”, b/c I’m not privy to the heavenly cheshbonos and consequences of sins.
To FFB & Ron Coleman –
My argument was not against tznius; it was against the implication that an immodestly dressed woman is worse than Bernie Madoff in her sin. Also the comment did not say “frum” woman…it just said “woman” and there are non-Jewish women who are not bound by halacha and Jewish women who do not know the halacha.
Unless we are a dayan (and Hashem is the ultimate dayan) it is a waste to sit back and declare one aveirah greater than another. But in the case of a man looking at an immodestly dressed woman, you have two parties involved. From a practical standpoint, there is a difference between a frum woman who comes to shul in a skin tight red dress (something that in my experience happens rarely) and scantily clad non-Jewish street walker approaching a frum man in public (something that I have known to happen).
For those of us who live and function around many non-frum Jews and non-Jews, it is important to internalize that as a Torah observant Jew, you need to hold yourself to a higher standard. It is wasted energy to declare that others are being a stumbling block before the blind, because you don’t know their level of Jewish knowledge; or even if they are Jewish! This is not a “justification” for a frum Jewish woman to ignore tznius; but rather another example of judging people unfairly and not owning up to your own personal responsibility.
David,
The pasuk says: וי×מר לרשע למה תכה רעך- And he said to the rasha, “Why are you hitting your friend?”
It seems to me the Author of Torah, the all-knowing Judge, is judging him a rasha, not Moshe. Moshe is simply asking him why he did it, perhaps to ascertain whether he is guilty or not. (Somebody please correct me if I’m wrong.)
I judge that a fine prayer, Nathan!
(But who am I to say?)
I often pray to HaShem to help me judge all Jews LeCaf Zechut and not LeCag Chov.
We have to judge individuals favorably in a fairly abstract way, i.e., in terms of judging their worth as a person and in terms of whether we think of ourselves as better than they are or not. This is obviously well addressed in the Igeres HaRamban.
Often this limud zechus includes how we relate to or interact with them. But as FFB points out, typically the Torah requires us to be much less abstract with respect to such interaction, if we interact at all, with a person who is not acting within the bounds of halacha — especially where they do so knowingly.
The point about the “non-judgmental” golden rule of American culture dominating here is well taken. One of the results of that way of going through life, by the way, is on display in some comments here: Abandoning the capacity to “judge,” we apply this judgment-free thinking… to ourselves!
No mussar work ever suggested that!
Just curious, if judging someone is bad etc. why did Moshe Rabbeinu do it? Upon seeing Dasan and Aviram scuffling he made a strong judgment: “Rasha – lamma takkeh reyechah”
Why did he call him a “rasha?” Was he wrong to judge him? Perhaps he simply misunderstood him and he wasn’t a rasha?
PS – I’m not stating an opinion here. I’m really curious as to how you would explain this.
Now why did I open my big mouth again?
I’m afraid it’s more a matter of conforming to the surrounding culture. One of our teachers told her students who asked about these differences,”One thing I can tell you, girls. The Vilna Gaon’s rebbitzin did NOT wear a tight skirt with a red T-shirt.”
I’ve been wondering about this myself for awhile. Is it possible that this is another example of the Rationalist/Kabbalist divide? That is, the Rationalist view might be that the purpose of tznius (and the other related matters) is to maintain orderly domestic life, including stable marriages and the proper raising of children by two parents. (I seem to recall a Rambam that implied this, but I can’t recall the exact context.) The Kabbalist view would be that performance of these mitzvos repairs the world, and violations destroy it, no matter what the purpose (if there is any humanly comprehensible one) or material results. So it’s mainly BALC for the Rationalist and perhaps a combination for the Kabbalist. Which would explain the Chassidish/Yeshivish/ Modern differences.
All of this just speculation; does anyone know more?
What’s the problem, Bob? Judge them favorably! I tell my kids, “If she knew how severe this is and how great her responsibility is, I’m sure she wouldn’t dress that way.”
I know about the differences in acceptable degrees of tznius, but the part about putting the responsibility only on the men is very foreign to me.
Satmar Rav zt”l said tznius is both BALM and BALC, because besides causing men to sin, you cause them the pain and discomfort of trying not to gaze.
FFB, You and your Chasidic communities devotion and approach to Tznius is very strong, but it does differ from the Yeshivish and Modern communities approaches.
Do you see it primarily as a BALM mitzvah, a BALC mitzvah or as a Bein Adam L’Atzmo (BALA – Between a person and them self) mitzvah?
I think all of us here are very pro-tznius. The question is how to handle violations that we see.
Thanks, Mark. Maybe I get discouraged too easily. Problem is, explaing, retracting, correcting and defending my POV takes up SO much time, and as busy as I am I have to do it right away to avoid a chilul H’. I never dreamed I’d have to defend tznius, a concept that was hocked in our heads throughout our school years as the equivalent of learning Torah for men.
Bob Miller-
You are correct, and I should have mentioned the retraction. Still, the whole thing is very disturbing.
FFB, your input as a Chassidish FFB Woman is invaluable to what goes on here and has helped me glean some fresh insights into Torah Judaism.
Actually Jer captured pretty close to what I was thinking this morning as to why we’re more sensitive to BALC violations as opposed to BALM.
Thanks, Ron, my comment awaited moderation while yours came in.
Bob, I wasn’t judging anyone or writing what I would tell them or think about them, if that’s what you mean by your questions to Ron. I was just trying to answer Jer’s questions.
Jer wrote “FFB, are you actually Rabbi Avi Shafran? (For those who don’t get this: google Shafran Madoff Sully, but not right after you’ve eaten.)”
Rabbi Shafran issued a retraction on cross-currents:
http://www.cross-currents.com/archives/2009/04/06/retraction-ii-tis-the-season/
I’m so sorry you are offended by my words. Chas v’shalom for me to hint anything negative about your past. As I said quite a few times, I have the highest regards for BTs and gerim and draw tremendous inspiration from you, which is why I frequent this site. I used the example of tznius because this was the first one that came to my mind. Please forgive my insensitivity.
Of course the bochur has responsibility, but I was talking about the woman’s part. What do I base it on? There are so many sources, where should I start?
כל ישר×ל ×¢×¨×‘×™× ×–×” לזה – Every Jew is responsible for his fellow Jews.
×•×œ×¤× ×™ עוור ×œ× ×ª×ª×Ÿ מכשול – Do not cause a fellow Jew to sin.
×•×œ× ×™×¨××” בך ערות דבר ושב מ×חריך – So that I shouldn’t see immodesty in you and turn away from you.
יען ×›×™ גבהו ×‘× ×•×ª ציון… (The terrible punishments of the first churban for the immodesty of the daughters of Zion.)
And the myriad references and laws of tznius which stress that this is the basis for the kedusha of klal yisrael. What would you think of someone dangling food in front of you during Yom Kippur and saying “It’s your responsibility to fast”?
I had assumed Madoff was a rasha, but when I looked up the laws in R. Pliskin’s Love Your Neighbor before sending my comment I wasn’t so sure anymore. The truth is I don’t know enough about him. In fact I thought you guys would yell at me for suggesting he might be a rasha!
All in all, I’m afraid I’m too inexperienced to comment here and hurting too many people. I’ll try to keep quiet bli neder. Good Shabbos everyone.
Ron Coleman,
What do you normally do and say when you see a Jew you don’t know personally doing an aveirah, possibly unwittingly? Do you assume the worst and give the person a tongue-lashing, or do you take some other approach? If so, what approach?
“What bothered me about your comment was the arbitrary and, to me, arrogant classification of “judgable†and “unjudgable†sins.”
So I get judged as “arrogant”, but Madoff has excuses? Weird.
First, my earlier post didn’t directly match up BALC and BALM. It matched up arguable or minor violations of BALM with gross violations of BALC.
Nevertheless, as a general rule, I do judge violations of BALC more severely than violations of BALM. Why?
1. Because there is an innate sense re BALC, while BALM must be transmitted (the Rambam makes this distinction). Thus, there can be leniency where the quality of the transmission is lacking through no fault (or only partial fault) of the transgressor.
2. Because our surrounding culture supports basic BALC (at least re stealing, harm, murder). That means a breach of BALC is more egregious.
3. Because, in my judgment at least, at this time the frum community is suffering from breaches of BALC more than of BALM. In fact, in some cases the exaggerated emphasis on BALM leads directly to breaches of BALC. As a corrective, I would like to see more social pressure placed on the BALC breachers.
4. Because every violation of BALC includes, automatically, an offense to G-d as well.
5. Last but certainly not least, because BALC violation creates chillul hashem far more than BALM violation. Chillul hashem/kiddush hashem should be among our primary concerns. I don’t know about you, but offenses that Yom Kippur can’t erase make me nervous. And, really, without some degree of kiddush hashem, what are we Jews? Just a bizarre ancient anomaly that eats bagel and lox.
See? No P.C. here.
Re the tsaddik and rasha – how exactly do people acquire such status in the first place? Could it be…judging? And is it possible to lose tsaddik status, or is it that once you get called a tsaddik, you get to do anything you want?
“Is Madoff a rasha? Possibly. Is a nice, honest woman who knows exactly what’s wrong with a mini-skirt and low neckline but nevertheless parades like that in front of men any better? I don’t know. You may think she didn’t harm anyone, but Torah thinks she did, perhaps even more so than Madoff. Every impure thought created by her is everlasting, in this world and the next. She may have robbed a young bachur of his innocence, which is more precious than millions of dollars. ”
FFB, are you actually Rabbi Avi Shafran? (For those who don’t get this: google Shafran Madoff Sully, but not right after you’ve eaten.)
As for the Shulchan Aruch, I was unaware that it was a work of hashkafa. If you choose to live only by halachic works, go ahead, but then don’t call me the person who lives by only half of Judaism.
FFB didn’t say a thing about a man’s responsibility for his own shemiras einayim. But so what if bochurim, much less married men, know not to look at improperly clad women? That doesn’t excuse a woman who knowingly flouts halachic standards of modesty. These halachos are not particularly hard to find, Rishona.
Our immodestly-dressing woman is not only failing to meet her own halachic obligations (in this case, failing both Hashem and the dignity she owes herself as a matter of self-respect), which is indeed a serious matter, regardless of her background. Such a person is placing a stumbling block before the not-so-blind as well. This is the issur of lifnei iver, which applies to the full extent that she is influencing others to sin — not only men who look at her and think improper thoughts, but women who may be undermined in their own determination to meet the proper standard of conduct for a Bas Yisroel. Philosophically, she is certainly not living up to the concept of kol yisroel areivim zeh-la-zeh. According to Rabbi Shamshon Refoel Hirsch, “The message of the Selichos is that every individual is responsible for the misfortunes that afflict our nation as a whole, wherever we may dwell. The Selichos blame the frivolity, the sins, the moral deficiencies and the disloyalties of every individual for the tears that wet the cheeks of Jacob and for the shame that covers the sanctuaries of Judah” (found here).
Being a BT gives her no “pass” on this; to the contrary, we’re supposed to be the sensitive, considerate ones, right?
In fact, I have no idea what you think FFB says that places “us” (I don’t even know who you mean by “us,” Kemosabe) “on a lower portion of the Jewish totem pole.” He is referring to an orthodox Jew’s present-day conduct, not his past. That is measured by the same (personalized by God, but objective under halacha) measuring stick regardless of one’s background.
FFB,
How is Madoff possibly not a rasha, seeing as that he admitted doing his mega-Ponzi ripoff while at the same time not leading the authorities to the leftover money, etc., and not making any restitution? The Feds and the victims have to try to recover the money on their own.
And aren’t bochurim taught not to stare at women? Nowadays, they are not always in a hermetically sealed environment, so they have to develop the appropriate coping skills. Those skills would include avoidance as much as possible, and not obsessing on what they do see. If they take buses or walk around in a typical city, there will be many examples of outrageously immodest dress, far worse than this case.
Is Madoff a rasha? Possibly. Is a nice, honest woman who knows exactly what’s wrong with a mini-skirt and low neckline but nevertheless parades like that in front of men any better? I don’t know. You may think she didn’t harm anyone, but Torah thinks she did, perhaps even more so than Madoff. Every impure thought created by her is everlasting, in this world and the next. She may have robbed a young bachur of his innocence, which is more precious than millions of dollars.
FFB, what is your source on this? Does that bochur have no responsibility for his own evil thoughts? The measuring stick for what I define as inappropriate clothing is WAY different than the measuring stick my non-Jewish sisters use. It is also bothersome that you place such a high premium on “innocence” in a blog for BTs. Plenty of us have a past that is not so “innocent” and we have done teshuva (in most cases), but we cannot erase the past. We don’t need to be proud of it, but we can’t erase it (and should not pretend to). Your sentiments hint that BTs (and/or gerim) are tainted somehow and we belong on a lower portion of the Jewish totem pole.
What bothered me about your comment was the arbitrary and, to me, arrogant classification of “judgable” and “unjudgable” sins. On what do you base your premise that people commiting sins between man and man do not have to be judged as favorably as those commiting sins between man and H’? That gonif? Maybe his dad was a drunk. Maybe his mom didn’t teach him any better. It’s not for us to decide whom or what to judge. We have a shulchan aruch for that, and Halacha does not differentiate between BALC (man to man) and BALM (man to H’). Here are some basic laws:
בצדק תשפוט ×ת עמיתך – You shall judge your fellowman righteously.
This mitzva does not apply to a rasha – an evil person – since he is not considered your “fellowman”, i.e. a fellow Torah Jew.
A tzadik must always be judged favorably.
An average person should be judged favorably. Though not in all circumstances is this mandatory, it is always meritorious.
Is Madoff a rasha? Possibly. Is a nice, honest woman who knows exactly what’s wrong with a mini-skirt and low neckline but nevertheless parades like that in front of men any better? I don’t know. You may think she didn’t harm anyone, but Torah thinks she did, perhaps even more so than Madoff. Every impure thought created by her is everlasting, in this world and the next. She may have robbed a young bachur of his innocence, which is more precious than millions of dollars.
I’d hate to judge any of them, as I was never in their shoes. I’m just trying to explain (again) that Judaism consists of BALM just as BALC, no matter what you’re more comfortable with, or what’s considered more universal or more PC.
“Could we say that judging is an action that is sometimes necessary, but should be done as rarely as possible, but always objectively and sensitively?”
Sounds fine, but of course a major issue will be how often “rarely as possible’ is.
“Further, could we use judgmental as an adjective for behavior where someone judges too often, unobjectively, and without sensitivity?”
Sure, but I’m not sure PL or others would agree, since nothing I’ve written goes against this.
Let me ask this question: Can I use judgment to decide which people I would invite to my home and which I wouldn’t? Whose kashrus I would trust? Who I would vote for? Which people I admire (judgment doesn’t necessarily mean negative judgment)? And if you answer that these judgments are permissible, but that judgments of a person’s value in Hashem’s eyes are what is not permissible, I ask, are we permitted to judge Bernie Madoff? How about Ahmadinejad?
Jer,
I don’t have the yishuv hada’as right now to formulate a good working definition, but I assume you understand the word in the conventionally manner, as I do.
I would say an Orthodox Jew cannot get through day-to-day life without being judgmental on himself, and get can through day-to-day life in an exemplary manner by refraining from being judgmental on others.
Could we say that judging is an action that is sometimes necessary, but should be done as rarely as possible, but always objectively and sensitively? Further, could we use judgmental as an adjective for behavior where someone judges too often, unobjectively, and without sensitivity?
PL-
Could you define “judgmental”, as you use the word, for me? Maybe that would clear this up.
Possibly you take it to mean “overly judgmental”, in which case we would have no disagreement. Otherwise, I don’t see how anyone can be an Orthodox Jew, or even get through life day-to-day, without judging.
Jer,
In your rereading, I was hoping you’d decide that being judgmental is not a tool for growth after all. It’s worth a try.
And how shall we judge judgement?
And in that spirit-
How shall we judge the judgmental?
In my judgment, judgmentalism often fails.
PL-
What exactly have I missed in the original post? I was very clear in stating that I disagreed that being judgmental was the problem. After all, without judgment, we can’t condemn anyone, or even any action. Is that the kind of world you want to live in? Instead of wasting our time preaching non-judgmentalism, why don’t we try to figure out how best to judge fairly?
That’s called pilpul. Which reminds me…
Why is there a gimmel in Noach?
There’s no gimmel in Noach.
Why shouldn’t there be a gimmel in Noach?
Why should there be a gimmel in Noach?
That’s my question! Why is there a gimmel in Noach?
1. Are numbered lists part of the comment problem?
2. Maybe not.
3. On the other hand…
4. Is there even a problem?
Really great post!
Jer,
Perhaps you need to read the original post again. I think we all need to read it at least once a day…
Fine. Then consider feeling sick and tired of making content-free comments as well.
Oh, those issues were addressed so many times, in so many ways, it seems most of us, most of the time, are sick and tired of addressing them anymore.
Wait, what about these:
5. Comments which deliberately oversimplify and distort other comments in order to try to make them sound absurd, while completely failing to address the issues discussed in the other comments.
6. Comments designed to support the status quo no matter how bad, bad, bad it may be.
Check and check.
I think by now we can safely assume that most posts, no matter their theme, will have among their comments one or more of the following:
1. Jews who don’t celebrate Thanksgiving are bad, bad, bad.
2. Chumras (which include any halacha or minhag outside of bare-bones Judaism) are bad, bad, bad.
3. People who think mitzvos between Man and Hashem have any importance are bad, bad, bad.
4. Anyone who voices their disagreement with one of the above is overreacting, condenscending, judgemental, and disenfranchising other Jews.
This is such a GREAT post.
Bob Miller-
Agreed, my tests can’t be applied on sight alone (which I suppose makes them less enjoyable than the frum-checkers in the post). But often a few minutes of conversation yields some pretty good insight (not that strangers admit to committing fraud, but note that most of my questions apply to what people condone in others, not what they do). It’s sad that there are more than a few people out there who don’t even know enough to wear a mask.
JNC-
You say “We teach our children that “frum†is defined as shomer shabbat, kashrut & taharat hamishpacha–the rest is just commentary. ”
I assume that that view was formulated in an era when basic morality and decency could be taken for granted. I’m not suggesting at all that you are in any way slighting morality and decency, but given the current climate, I would add “…but there is no “frum” without honesty, concern for others, and fear of creating chillul hashem”.
This really hit home. As 30 year baalei teshuva, my husband & I have met with many challenges when it comes to family acceptance–from both directions. We teach our children that “frum” is defined as shomer shabbat, kashrut & taharat hamishpacha–the rest is just commentary. It’s impossible to see someone’s progress in frumkeit unless you know exactly what they’ve came from. When you look at it from that angle, much of the judgement about nuances drop off. It is very difficult to grow in observance and not become judgemental–it’s a constant balancing act. I refuse to be pigeonholed; consequently, many groups claim me as one of their own!
I’m only just starting out on my BT journey and already I find myself thinking like this – I KNOW I shouldn’t but somehow it’s built in. Particularly when it concerns my family who are trying hard to get to grips with the changes in my life, and to accommodate me where they can.
Jer (#8):
How do we see behind the mask, if we don’t know the person?
Love this post. Thank you!
Tractate Avot, chapter 2, paragraph 4 teaches us to not judge anyone at all until we have experience the same things he has. A condition which does not happen often.
Tractate Avot, chapter 1, paragraph 6 teaches us to judge all others to the side of merit.
Good post. Maybe we should all repeat 100 times a day (along with our brachos) I will not judge others…I will not judge others…
The problem isn’t judgmentalism; it’s judging foolishly. Evaluating a person based on chumras, or even on minor violations, is poor judging. Instead, ask: Is this a person who would cheat someone or commit fraud? Would they condone such behavior in others, or in institutions they are affiliated with? Would they deliberately go on welfare (absent legitimate reasons)? Do they at least try to live without making themselves a burden to others? Do they condone or ignore the abuse of children by members of their own community? Do they condone the rich and connected living by a different set of rules than everyone else? Do they treat others decently?
Once this kind of frumkeit checker is enabled, things start to look different.
Nice post. Really thank you.
This is such a truthful post!
I often stop myself when I realize my frumkeit checker is working overtime on the grounds that I’m thinking in loshon hora. And heaven only knows what anyone else’s checker is spitting out about me.
I know many Torah observant women who wear pants, so I find it difficult to understand why you must infer that if the lady’s mother was wearing them, then she must not be religious. It seems that in the same breath that you try to show how pious the girl was despite such terrible odds (of an irreligious mother), you have insulted her mother.
A great post.
Perhaps there is a positive side to a frumkeit checker. At least we do bother to measure them up to a spiritual standard.
However when it comes to non-frum people, we often don’t even hold them up to a standard. Do we think about their conception of G-d and it’s impact on their lives or do we assume that since they are not frum, why even bother to measure them.
So it might not be the measurement that is the problem, and perhaps it’s healthy when used correctly. The real issue is to use the measurement to understand, respect and help the other person spiritually in whatever ways might work for them. Perhaps this is what kiruv is really about.
We pretend to know a lot of people but really know very few.
so true!
I heard Rebbetzin Tzippora Heller talk about this exact problem many years ago at the annual Yom Iyun on Shmirat Halashon. She said that when we see someone who is doing something that we think is wrong (she was dafka talking about clear tznius issues – not borderline debateable stuff, but still), we have to remind ourselves that the person is making a mistake. And we ALSO make mistakes. Just maybe, possibly, our mistakes are different ones. Giving the benefit of the doubt is the solution in all of these situations!