The Bar Mitzvah is a very exciting time. However there are a lot of details. Can the Beyond BT crowd share some insight on the event and the following questions:
1) What are the factors in determining how much or little pressure to put on the Bar Mitzvah boy in terms of leining (Torah and/or Haftorah) and davening?
2) What are the options for the learning and siyum that usually accompanies the Bar Mitzvah?
3) Should I or someone I know, write a pilpul-like drasha or is a solid Dvar Torah more appropriate?
4) What are the considerations in inviting secular friends and family for Shabbos and for the Party?
5) What are the considerations on spending on Tefillin?
6) What should I expect to spend if I have the typical party and Shabbos meals?
7) What other advice would you give to make the Bar Mitzvah successful?
My FFB husband who leins weekly and teaches, feels strongly that only a boy who would like to continue leining after the Bar Mitzvah should spend the time learning; it isn’t supposed to be a ’show’, but a demonstration of knowledge.
LC, I can’t say that I disagree, but I do know at least several teenage boys who only developed an interest in leining after learning it for their Bar Mitzvah.
Lets remember the most important thing about Bar mitzvahs. A kid gets bar mitzvahed no matter how big or small or even if there is no ceremony at all. We have to use the celebration as a teaching opportunity that while a kid is excited that day, they have to keep that excitement of jewish participation till 120! its not the ceremony that counts…its what comes afterwards
“What specifically would you advise in writing a guide for the secular attendees, both Jewish and Gentile?”
I’d tell them and everybody else! not to carry on conversations in the sanctuary during the service. Big crowds often create big distractions for the Bar Mitzvah and other daveners.
1) Almost all Orthodox boys are expected to read the whole parsha nowadays. This is not necessarily a good thing if the kid is not particularly talented or just plain shy.
#1 – I know a family (FFB, but non-conformist, which may be relevant) where the father felt strongly that his sons NOT learn to read the Torah (lein), but rather spend the time learning mishnah to make a siyum, with (I believe) a speech detailing a section of what they learned. My FFB husband who leins weekly and teaches, feels strongly that only a boy who would like to continue leining after the Bar Mitzvah should spend the time learning; it isn’t supposed to be a ‘show’, but a demonstration of knowledge. If the boy isn’t suited to it, let him learn halacha, or Tanach, or mishnah, or gemara with those hours. He has been known to write speeches upon request, but will only write what he feels the boy can ‘get’ – and then explicitly learns the material with him.
I believe most Orthodox communities generally expect the boy to lein, but if the child isn’t interested, Torah shouldn’t be presented as a burden – and *leining* isn’t its own mitzvah. Davening, on the other hand, is obligatory. And leading the congregation is only a good thing if he’s up for it and well trained.
What other advice would you give to make the Bar Mitzvah successful?
#7 – The boy observes Torah and mitzvot out of a love for and fear of Hashem. :)
The measure of the day’s success is what follows in the Bar Mitzvah’s spiritual life. Now that he’s a responsible person, he has to act like it. Those around him have to help him grow up instead of remaining dependent.
Almost none of the topics listed are obligatory in any sense. Kid turns 13 – status changes. No ceremony necessary.
The only halachic hook for the celebratsions is the concept of a “seudat mitzvah” to show our positive attitude towards acceptance of the yoke of mitzvot.
Everything else is a matter of personal preference and communal custom (and how far you are willing to stray from that custom).
1) Almost all Orthodox boys are expected to read the whole parsha nowadays. This is not necessarily a good thing if the kid is not particularly talented or just plain shy.
At the other end of the spectrum, secular Israelis simply have the boy called up to the Torah – sometimes even during the week.
Middle points would be: read just the haftorah, read just the smaller portion on a weekday.
2) The custom of making a siyum is only seen in haredi circles – and I’m not sure it’s true of all haredi circles. Obviously this can become a burden/charade, or accurately reflect the boy’s abilities. If it’s not too pressured – and involves quality time with Abba – it can be a very fulfilling experience.
A boy not into learning can take on another mitzvah project that reflects his new position in the community, such as charitable work for a communal aid organization.
3) Again, the speech is optional. But usually the boy says something if there is a party – and a short speech of thanks can validly be seen as (a) symbolic of coming into an adult voice in the community, and (b)one of the obligations of gracious adulthood.
The boy should write his own drasha at whatever level he is at. I feel very strongly about this – the whole point is the boy becoming responsible/independent in some ways. A drasha written by someone else is a charade that sends the awful message that impressing others is more important that being yourself.
4) The halachic aspects of a Shabbat affair should be discussed with a Rav. The practical aspects largely depend on your community (Private houses? A widespread custom of hospitality in these situations?) and the proximity of your secular friends/family.
Where I live in Israel, people who are going away that Shabbat commonly volunteer their homes to someone making a simcha. In larger, urban communities that is unheard of.
5) The same rule applies as to any other mitzvah: you can only pay a certain percentage over the price of standard-issue kosher tefillin for higher quality or eztra-mehudar tefillin. Check with your Rabbi.
6) This varies enormously depending on your location and the level of fanciness.
I would advise you to go with the less expensive options that are common in your community. The money is better spent on other things, or put in savings for the boy’s future – do you know what real-estate prices are like in Jewish neighborhoods? Many BTs are not aware of how much religious parents help their children financially, and may not be prepared.
7) Successful means:
a) The boy knows the true significance of the day in his relationship to G-d. To do that, he should have been living a Torah-connected life until now.
b) The boy knows the true significance of the day in his relationship to others. He should have at least partially mastered the social graces (AKA derech eretz) of adulthood, and understood their importance. This is the “derech eretz that precedes (a life of) Torah”. Any celebrations will give him a chance to exercise those middos.
The rest is window dressing.
A few simple items of advice from my own experience:
1 – The Lubavitcher Rebbe, as well as other gedolim, have written that the mitzvah is the bar mitzvah, the taking on of mitzvot. The focus should be in the preparation for the daily mitzvot (tefillin, davening, etc) now obligatory. Leining, as we say in business, is only a “nice to have”. If your child is not up to it, or only up to doing a portion, don’t push it and be proud of whatever he can accomplish.
3 – This is a social circle question. In other words, depends on your community and the attendees at the event. But again, be careful what you expect from your child in this area – even a good learner may not be ready for public speaking.
4 – A recurrent BT theme. Only special advice I’ll give is – prepare a cheat sheet for them. In other words, detail what’s going to happen and what it means, so they’re not lost.
5 – Prices continue to rise. Spending $500-$1500 is not unusual. In chassidic circles, Rabbaynu Tam tefilin are also considered a requirement (meaning, you get to buy 2 pair) – though I advice consulting your rav to make sure your child is ready for this chumra.
7 – Involve your child in the planning and considerations, and actually listen to what he has to say. If there are particular people he’s uncomfortable having there, you’re only going to increase his nervousness by having them. Make sure you know whether YOU are celebrating with your son as the poster boy, or whether you are celebrating with your son. It’s not the same thing, and often becomes the former, which is not a positive thing.