By Rabbi Mordechai Scher
My wife’s best friend’s family has had us for Pesah for years now. That itself may qualify by now as a ‘tradition’. First Queens, then Beit Shemesh, for now Syosset.
There are a few customs, learned as a young man in Israel, that I do at the seder each year. There is a real advantage to living in ‘kibbutz galuyot’ – the ingathering of the exiles. As a young American Ashkenazi kid, I never would have experienced Pesah customs the same way had I stayed in America.
The first thing we do, Erev Pesah, is go out and find good walking sticks. We prepare walking sticks, and backpacks with provisions (matzah) for the journey that night for all the kids and me. The adults are usually too stodgy to participate in our ‘exodus’ at the beginning of the seder. I’ve been forewarned that Syosset may not offer much in the way of suitable dead branches; and we won’t bring hiking poles (Leki and others) as we did when driving to Queens from Massachussetts. So, this Erev Pesah may require a quick trip to the hardware store for some cheap broomsticks.
Before the seder actually starts, the children and I will go out the front door. One of the children knocks loudly on the door, and a short dialogue ensues from each side. Imma: Mi sham? Who’s there? Children: Bnei Yisrael. The People of Israel! Imma: M’ayin atem? From where do you come? Children: M’mitzrayim! From Egypt! Imma: U’l’an atem? And where are you going? Children: L’eretz Yisrael! To the Land of Israel! Then with a great cry of greeting the door opens and in we go with our packs and walking sticks.
The other custom varies in timing. Until now, the children were all quite small, so we did this right after coming in the front door. We would rush around the house, proclaiming ‘ b’vehilu v’rehimu yatzanu m’mitzrayim, with haste and mercy we left Egypt.’ Now that the children are a bit older, some of them, we may do this just before Dayenu or Hallel. I’ll have to find out if the parents are willing to have that interruption at that point.
Another manner of the seder my friend Dov Lapin (a fine talmid hacham and friend; does anyone by some chance know him and where he is?) related to me after coming back from the Gush one year. As I recall, Menuha Schwat took her little child’s toy animals and enacted an ‘exodus’ across the living room floor to engage the little child in a suitable manner. This has stuck with me for decades. My wife has brought ‘Pesah kits’ in the past, and thrown out frogs at the appropriate time, etc.
For the adults, some fairly standard but important fare. Our friends are sincere Jews who appreciate Torah, so we try to contribute to the divrei Torah and explanations of the seder. Seems straightforward, but everyone gets what suits them.
So, what do you do for yourselves or other participants at the seder?
The Resnick Seder Table is not complete unless somebody sings, “Matzah zoo, the matzah’s in the zoo,” and “Pesach, matzah, marorrr….what is it all forrr??” I think they got those songs off some Pesach tape about twenty-five years ago. Nobody’s on-key, which doesn’t matter (we’re all engaged and excited, which is the point of all that).
First off, I certainly agree that all this can get out of hand and ‘hokey’. No doubt about it.
Hazal tell us that at the seder the father teaches his child according to his ability/inclination. Look at the fourth mishnah in Arvei Pesahim. What’s more, Hazal make it clear that the seder is supposed to be educational for the children. Hazal give us many examples throughout the Talmud of how to educate. Varied examples. Examples that were meant to encourage, cajole, whatever was needed. Rewards for attentiveness and participation. So there are quite a few possibilities.
What’s more, IIRC, Rav Ariel in his haggadah and Rav Hirshensohn make the point that the Haggadah Shel Pesah is not a fixed text. And it certainly wasn’t in the time of the Mikdash. That doesn’t only mean that each group elaborated verbally as they saw fit, though that would certainly be the case. Notice how many different minhagim came out of our scattered Exile in order to symbolize in some cases, and dramatize in others. Most of these things are not mentioned in the Talmud, yet they are widely accepted by the rabbanim (and done by them) in these varied communities.
Again, I accept we have to be wary of ‘hokeyness’ as Bob put it. We also have to beware of artificially constraining the Torah in ways or attitudes that Hazal didn’t intend/teach us.
I don’t mean to disparage a custom or a practice per se. Different families and kids have different needs. I don’t agree, however, Mordechai, that Chazal “set a precedent,” in the sense that they were trying to see what worked and inviting us to try what might work at our houses. I think they very clearly told us what to do. I notice that what they bring home from yeshiva — admittedly a traditional, yeshivish yeshiva — for the Seder is along the lines of what Chazal set in place, i.e., divrei torah on the Haggadah, and not tricks, contests or shtick.
I would point out that isn’t much after age three or four that kids today know when they’re being condescended to, and a lot of them really value being treated like little actual people.
But I recognize there are a lot of different households out there coming from and going to a lot of different places!
“…I think disparaging them reveals a lack of understanding how important some of these customs are…” (Comment 9)
This implies that some customs are important and some are not. Does this refer to our present-day general customs, older general customs, things we cook up on our own, or what? What criteria should guide our choices in this matter?
I think some levels of hokeyness go beyond creating interest and can take the focus off the actual event.
I don’t have anything unique practices, but I do have some generalizations.
I like go give out different Hebrew-English Hagaddot to the guests. The differences in translation and commentary make for interesting discussions, as well as keeping each individual engages; after all, you can’t get the page number from your neighbor.
This year, for the first time in a while, we were guests of others at both Sederim. I am planning next year to make at least one Seder of my own. At least for one of the nights, there is no place like home.
Way back at my grandmother’s house – and this was before the Internet and probably dated back to way before TV was even invented – before we would eat the Hagigah egg, we used to have an “egg fight” where each person would take a hard-boiled egg (still in its shell), hold it, and try to crack another person’s egg. (Not throwing the eggs – just each one holding it in their hand and aiming for the other one’s egg.) It went round-robin until there was one winner. We still do that in our family, and my kids do that with their families, too. I have no idea where this started.
We’ve also done the acting-out (“Where are you coming from?” “Where are you going?” etc.) from time immemorial.
I can’t see anything wrong with merriment at a Seder, as long as the purpose is kept in mind – to tell our children (or each other) the story of Yetziat Mitzrayim. Yes, of course Chazal have given us a specific and time-tested formula, but where is it written that we can’t include other ways of engaging the children (or one another) as well? I was once told that the more one can do to stimulate questions, the better. My kids, now grown, have lifelong memories of all the fun we had at our Seders when they were growing up – being allowed to stay up as late as they wanted, taking turns “reclining” on our living-room couch after it was moved into the dining room for the Seder, doing all the acting-out, putting on Pesach plays, etc. Transmitting Judaism with love and joy is the best way to ensure that it IS transmitted.
I think some of you are forgetting that varied customs and tactics to engage the participants go back many, many generations. In fact, Hazal are the ones who set the precedent. I think disparaging them reveals a lack of understanding how important some of these customs are.
For our part, I can only say that adults and children were anticipating reenacting leaving Egypt for days before. The kids get energized by the whole thing, which helps keep them awake and participating longer.
And, to tell you the truth, it is all worth it just to see the look of pleasure on my wife’s face.
I wish you all a wholly holy and excellent shvi’i shel Pesah!
Using forms of entertainment to enliven the seder can’t be isolated from similar recent attempts in American schools at all levels. The idea is that it’s unnatural or even impossible for straight communication to work on kids addicted to TV, internet, etc. However, since shtick has lost its novelty by now, the straight approach done at the right level may turn out to be more engaging! At least the necessary lessons will be taught that Jewish children (and adults) learned throughout the ages.
Like Tzvi, and as I mentioned in an earlier thread, I find this stuff incredibly distasteful, and I don’t understand why it should be necessary when Chazal have given us a specific and time-tested formula for engaging children at the Seder.
We throw chocolates or dried fruits at children who ask good questions or who give good answers. We thought this was for chinuch habaneim until the banim in question passed the age of 20 and still expected the chocolates. On the other hand, they are always ready to contribute, and bet this features at their own seders one day.
Do not forget kosher grape juice for people like me who can not handle four cups of wine.
My spouse: “Hey, (spouse), remember your first seder at my mom’s house when…”
Me: (withering look)
Spouse: “Oh. Sorry. I guess I shouldn’t bring that up.”
Me: (withering look for bringing it up without bringing it up)
Others at table pretend not to hear, or look amused, or snicker because they’ve heard this play out (x) years in a row already.
—-
This year, me to spouse: Could you please not bring up my first seder this year?
Spouse: Not a problem.
Me to self: (why didn’t I say that sooner?)
Every Jew at the seder table should read from a Hagadah that includes both the original Hebrew text and a translation plus commentary written in the language that he or she understands best.
For me, that language would be English.
Tzvi, perhaps the only reason Hong Kong exists is to provide us with plastic frogs and other stuff to make the seder more enjoyable ;-)
But seriously, different people with different children in different age groups have found different things that work from them. No big deal.
May you and the entire Jewish people find the inspiration we need this Pesach.
yeah, plastic frogs, that’s real chinuch bonim. when did parents become clowns? the most personal way we can come up with of transmitting the mesorah has to be imported from hong kong?