My Toughest Jewish Moment.
In my other life—when I’m not being Anxious Ima, I’m a freelance journalist and it isn’t an easy road. Good writing gigs are hard to come by so it was with great delight that I snagged one — interviewing Ayelet Waldman for a top national webzine.
I didn’t know much about Waldman, just that she was a home girl, married to Pulitzer prize winner novelist Michael Chabon and that she’d written a new essay collection intrigningly titled called “ Bad Mother, A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities and Occasional Moments of Grace. †Anxious Ima meets Bad Mother. It sounded so perfect that I got goose bumps just thinking about it.
I emailed the publicist for an advance copy—for free, a journalistic perk and embarked on what started out as a fun, easy read.. Waldman has a good message, that mothers should give up on judging themselves, an engaging style and a wicked sense of humor. Several of the chapters are gems . My personal favorite was the one detailing her nearly superhuman efforts to express breast milk for her newborn cleft palate baby.
Another chapter explores Waldman’s own handicap, hereditary bipolar disorder and its role in her wrenching decision to abort a possibly deformed infant. I know that she’s taken a lot of flack for that, but I wasn’t troubled. In my halachic mind, I sensed ample grounds for a heter, though Waldman didn’t seek one out (she probably never even heard of that option) chosing instead , to confess her “sin†publicly before her reform (Jewish) congregation on Yom Kippur. To my orthodox mind, that was somewhat misguided, a bit odd but not enough reason to make me wish the book had never been published.
It was when Waldman veered into the area of sexuality that I started to wish that censorship would come back into style. True, Waldman lives in Berkeley, not Meah Shearim, but am I the only one out there who thinks that placing a bag of colorful birth control devices in a preteen boy’s medicine cabinet is over the top? And when Waldman gushed about how delighted she would be if one or both of her sons turned out to be homosexual I was about ready to empty the contents of my lunch onto the book.
With gay marriages rapidly becoming legal all over the US map is this the new normal,? I certainly hope not and it certainly isn’t for us orthodox Jews who take their cue from Leviticus 18:22.
Now I had a dilemma. How in the world was I supposed to interview someone who wrote stuff that went against my deepest core values?
I could called Waldman on what I saw as her garbage, but the publication was so left-liberal that raising the red flag of protest, would have most likely resulted in a rejection for my piece. I wasn’t sure I wanted to take the risk of alienating this publication. They had given me the best gig I’d gotten the whole year, perhaps in my whole writing life. Wasn’t there a way to do this job and be true to myself and G-d.
A local Rov suggested that I focus on Waldman’s good parts and ignore the bad but I heard a reluctance in his tone, that he didn’t feel good about his advice.
I thought about following his advice and somehow finessing the interview but it just seemed like a whitewash, not the kind of journalism I wanted to do. I wanted to be real but how. Waldman’s book had unleashed an existential crisis in me, the likes of which I hadn’t experienced since I was a teen. With grey hairs and wrinkles sprouting each day, I stood in the mirror and asked myself who I really was,—a Yiddishe Mama with a sheitel and black hatted sons in yeshiva or a media hipster? Could I be both? For years, for years I told myself that I could. Now, I was no longer sure it was possible.
With the deadline looming near, I consulted another Rav, a son and nephew of gedolim, sages, who has known me and my family well for years.
“This book espouses views that are anti Torah. Why do you want to have anything to do with it,†he asked. His words got to me, I think because he said them so softly, lovingly without even a drop of condemnation.
Yes of course he is right, I thought feeling that brief flush of joy that our wise men say comes with the resolution of doubts. Then, before I could change my mind, I sent out two emails, one to the publication and the other to Ayelet signing off. No explanation. I couldn’t imagine that any explanation I could give would make any sense to them.
And now I see that the book getting good press all over the media. When I read the reviews my heart sinks a little. No one seems to notice what I noticed.
I’m alone here, like Abraham the Patriarch, looking on from the opposite side of the river with a tear in my eye for Waldman, a talented Jewish woman so far away from her essential soul that she can take a public stand against her Creator without even realizing that she’s done something wrong.
Ayelet Waldman is a talented, intelligent woman and great writer who unfortunately gets media publicity only when she makes outrageous statements like the one about how she prefers her husband to her children. It’s similar to the quiet middle child in a large family who can only get attention from his parents by emptying a soup bowl over the baby’s head. She is a 1991 graduate of Harvard Law School (one of Obama’s classmates) but her biggest accomplishment to date is “being the wife of Pulitzer prize winning author Michael Chabon.” Frankly, that must hurt deeply at some level in her psyche.
As for homosexuality, the tremendous public relations feat that homosexuals have accomplished over the past forty years, changing what was once viewed as an unspeakable perversion into an alternative hip lifestyle choice, is something that both the State of Israel and Orthodox Judaism should try to replicate. It is nothing short of ironic that secular Jewish mothers such as Ayelet Waldman would rather see their sons become homosexuals than for them to become Baalei Tshuvah.
Nice post.
In her book, Ayelet Waldman writes that she hopes her son is homosexual so that he will be closer to her (since she imagines that homosexual men are closer to their mothers than heterosexual ones). In another chapter of the book, she wrote that when her 4-year-old son told her that even after he married he wanted to “live with her forever”, she imagined her future daughter-in-law “stewing with jealousy” while she “reigned supreme” in her son’s affections. To me this implies that she is anxious that her son will marry and become closer to his spouse than to her, and imagines that if he is homosexual this is less likely to happen.
I wonder if the name Ayelet Waldman didn’t have some subconscious effect on the poster’s expectations. If the interviewee was an even more assimilated Jew with a non-Jewish sounding name, the disappointment might have been less, although the final decision would have been the same. It’s not rational to be swayed by a Jewish sounding name, but it’s not uncommon.
Nisyonos in the professional world can be quite intimidating. Great post.
Bob Miller, still waiting for you to give examples of my “inventions.” In the off chance that you can’t back up this accusation with any specifics, feel free to publicly retract.
But really now folks, let us not lose track of our hero. IA did it. Giant Nisayon and she passed it. This is REAL BT stuff. Forget the big kiruv. She’s doing the IN-reach; the tachlis.
no — Jerusalem is where ALL the sanity is. / total sarcasm.
The problem is that this bi-polar case in Berkely wrote a book that’s getting good press all over the media.
No, besides Albany I believe there is also a small sane area in northern Canada./ more sarcasm.
What “inventions,” Bob Miller?
Albany Jew, yeah, it sure is crazy out there. Good thing you are in the one and only enclave where there is still sanity. Everyone else has gone completely craaaaaaaazy. /sarcasm.
DK, thanks for your concern. My point was that you draw conclusions about “right wing” Orthodoxy in general from your observations/inventions regarding small components of the whole.
Maybe if the book clearly indicated that the contributors have dissenting views it might be more palatable but otherwise readers may get confusing Torah and non-Torah views and it would not be a desireable kiruv tool.
DK: It is consistantly amazing to me what is becoming the norm (even preferences!!) in the secular world. 10-20 years ago I would have agreed with you, now, not so much……..
Bob Miller,
Actually, you can draw conclusions about Ohr Somayach from that which is published on their own website by their founder, and so too, you can deduce ideas about Aish from their publications.
Do you need further help in understanding the difference between what is being inappropriately interpreted from the statement above in this case with the bi-polar woman in Berkely or can you take it from here, Bob?
Don’t you get it, Abe, that there’s a vast difference between seeking to share Torah with people who’re effectively entrenched in another religion vs those who are non-committed and or seeking?
And please stop confusing between those with very independant approaches and concerns about assisting their brothers vs. established, agenda driven institutions.
The sarcasm never helps
Surprised at the support expressed here for the decision to abandon the project. Wouldn’t Waldman have made a wonderful kiruv project? Bob, right up your alley, and now you all know “where the action is” so you can set up Aish Berkely and get busy. But seriously, why not take the opportunity to meet with her? Tell her that you have a problem morally with the book and can’t review it objectively, but you’d still like to do lunch.
DK, if you think it’s unfair to judge the whole by a part, that should also apply to Jewish groups you don’t belong to or approve of—namely, the Orthodox.
d when Waldman gushed about how delighted she would be if one or both of her sons turned out to be homosexual I was about ready to empty the contents of my lunch onto the book.
With gay marriages rapidly becoming legal all over the US map is this the new normal,?
Oh, sure. The vast majority of non-Orthodox Jews are definitely hoping and praying that their sons will be gay. It’s only in the Orthodox world where straight is preferred.
Please feel free to evaluate non-Orthodox Jewry based upon bi-polar cases in Berkely. That’s certainly a fair barometer of typical non-Orthodox Jewish mores standards.
Wow. A great tale. You stuck to your core beliefs and went with your gut, which is difficult.
As a fellow a BT/journalist I’m also always looking for freelance gigs, so I know how much this contact probably meant to you.
I need work. Any advice on how to get out there and find stuff? Care to share some tips/contacts? I’d love the help.
pyle.steve@gmail.com
Wow, this was so nice I read it twice. Thanks for showing the importance of doing the right thing.
So beautiful and profound, I’m at a loss for words.
“Yes of course he is right, I thought feeling that brief flush of joy that our wise men say comes with the resolution of doubts.”
May those flushes gush in abundance!
Baruch Ha’Ozer l’amo l’avor nisyanos.
Waldman gushed about how delighted she would be if one or both of her sons turned out to be homosexual
While I agree that this is nausea induicing it is also most curious.
Is it because thaey would then not be adding to overpopulation? Because she associates gayness with creativity? Because, afer mothering boys, she’d rather deal with new “sons” than with new “daughters”.
Strange.
Shkoyakh Aryeh Leib. Precisely what I wanted to write.
May HaShem reward your sacrifice 100 fold.
Might I also suggest that you submit this blogpost to Mishpacha or Binah for publication?
It would give lots of chizuk to those of us who seem to fold like cheap cameras every time we are confronted with a proffesional nisayon.
For what it’s worth, I think what you did took great courage. You are able to say honestly to your children that sometimes the right choice is not always the easy choice, and mean it! Hashem should pay you back for listening to da’as torah and forgoing the money you would have made from writing the article. And hopefully, you’ll get another, and better gig soon.
Orthodox bashing “Jewish” magazines and anti-religious “Jewish” newspapers have many Jewish readers.
I suggest that we counter their evil influence by sending Jewish high school students, Jewish college students, and all secular Jews free subscriptions to: HaModia, The Jewish Press, Yated Neeman, Mishpachah, Binah and other pro-Orthodox newspapers and magazines.
There is a certain Orthodox Jewish newspaper that is ridiculed by Yeshivish people. Yet that newspaper and the Torah articles it contained were among the forces that influenced me to become an Orthodox Jew.