Having made a number of bar mitzvahs, I have some experience which I would be happy to share with Beyond BT readers who have reached this point in their family lives.
Practical Points
The most important thing is to make a list of all required actions and put them on a schedule leading up to the date of the Bar Mitzvah.
A sample would be as follows:
-9 months to one year before:
–begin bar mitzvah lessons if son is going to lein the parsha
–reserve the date with the gabbai of your shul
-6 months before:
–order tefillin if ordering from Eretz Yisroel
–decide what to do re: seudas mitzvah, Kiddush, Shabbos meals
–examine venues and reserve one for each of the above if needed
–start your diet (just joking!)
-3 months before:
–order tefillin if ordering locally
–make inquiries into invitation businesses and order invitation package. Don’t forget some form of thank you cards.
–make inquiries for catering and reserve caterer. The actual reservation can be done at a later time but it should be started early.
–hire musician and photographer. If they are popular or you live in a large city this may have to be done earlier.
–call neighbors and arrange for sleep over arrangements for those friends and relatives staying over for Shabbos
–order new sheitel if needed
–if cooking for meals or Kiddush yourself, start freezing!! You should not have to cook for shabbos at the last minute
-2 months before:
–begin shopping for clothes for family, including YOU! (for bar mitzvah boy this includes new suit, new hat (or two), shoes, etc.), for both Shabbos and seudah evening. This could be done earlier if clothing for the season is available, but since children tend to change size, I don’t recommend shopping too early.
–edit and make final changes to invitation
-1 month before:
–confirm and pay for hall and establish table set-up.
TIP: don’t forget to check out where the speakers will stand and make sure there is an outlet nearby for the sound system!
–decide and confirm menu for seudah, Kiddush and shabbos meals
–send out invitations
–confirm with musician and photographer.
–prepare a list/spread sheet for invitation responses and who sent gifts for thank you cards
–order benchers.
–confirm neighbor’s guest arrangements
–buy small gifts for neighbors who will be hosting your family
–buy small welcome bags and fill with snacks, water, etc for your out of town guests
–if you are self-preparing the Kiddush, hire waiters to set it up while you are at shul.
–decide how to prepare centerpieces for seudah, and if necessary reserve at a gemach or florist. Gemachs can also be used for Kiddush serving pieces if doing it yourself.
–have hubby (HELP-ha ha) write the pshetel (bar mitzvah boy’s torah speech) and his own remarks.
–invite your Rabbi, rebbe, principal, etc. to speak at the seudah
–sheitel appointment
–haircuts
-Week of:
–last minute food shopping & Shabbos cooking
–last minute clothes shopping –don’t forget several pairs of new stockings
–give final guest count to the caterer
–make sure everyone’s siddur, other Shabbos needs are in one secure place. Especially their shabbos shoes!
-Day of (for Shabbos):
–Wake up early! Leave for shul early! Take a chumash to follow along with the leining (unless the shul has enough copies)!
-Day of (for the seudah):
–check out set up as early as possible. Many times things are not set up properly
–bring the centerpieces
–bring the benchers
–bring along a long, heavy duty extension cord (just in case)
-TIPS: For those seeking to scale down the celebration and/or save some money, there are several things that can be done yourself.
–The Kiddush can be in your home. This will save $1000 or more by itself. Yes, it will be messy and crowded, but it will last only an hour. We did ours in our back yard and it was amazing! We cooked, baked and froze, and were supplemented by many generous friends.
–The invitations can be done by someone who knows or is studying computer graphics, for a fraction of the cost. Buy the stationary yourself at Staples, and do the copying at a Kinkos.
–For the photography, find someone with a good digital camera and arrange a deal where he takes the shots and you just take the chip/card afterwards and you do the printing yourself. But this is not worth it if he is not good. The photos are your remaining memories of the event, so make sure he/she is good!
–We did the centerpieces ourselves: with vases from the gemach I made fresh flowers for each table in matching pieces of fresh fruit. You can cut the cost even more by putting flowers only on the women’s tables (men don’t notice or care anyways).
Emotional Points
–Obviously, this is a lot of work. It can get quite stressful, especially when there aren’t frum family involved helping you with the arrangements, or who want to do things differently than you. And especially when holidays like Pesach are near or on your son’s bar mitzvah date.
–Despite the joy the event heralds, many BT mothers have experienced bar mitzvah planning as lonely and stressful. If you don’t have a mother or sister to share the planning with, it would be a positive move to involve a good friend to help you out, shop with you, and help you make your decisions (along with your husband of course).
–Family milestones can also resurrect difficulties with non-frum family that you thought were resolved. For example, asking them to dress modestly, issues of driving to you on Shabbos, the separate dancing, the separate seating, the women behind the mechitza in shul, can all be flashpoints for vocal disagreements. Being prepared for this eventuality and discussing with your husband how to respond to various possible scenarios is the best way to prevent or diffuse any arguments.
–After all the planning, however, when the day arrives, it ushers in a powerful experience of simcha and yiddishe nachas, when you realize how far you’ve come as a family and how much your son has grown. In my experience, boys take their bar mitzvah very seriously and it is an opportune chinuch moment to emphasize how proud you are of him and how you love seeing him involved in his learning and davening. Im Yirtzeh Hashem he should go from this accomplishment to other Torah milestones!
Mazel Tov!
Thanks to bar mitzvah planner Laurie B from Passaic.
Rabbi Yosef Blau (a Yeshiva University spiritual adviser):
“It’s hard enough for a single person to function in the Orthodox community, which is family oriented. The convert does not have any of these support mechanisms.â€
SOURCE: For Some Orthodox Converts Biggest Challenges Come After Mikvah by Uriel Heilman 2014 November 4 http://www.jta.org/2014/11/04/life-religion/for-some-orthodox-converts-biggest-challenges-come-after-mikvah
The article in question provided a lot of technical advice and reminders as well some advice about “family milestones”. IMO, the members of this website have posted as to different approaches on this issue, but I would merely suggest that a simcha can be a great educational tool with not yet observant relatives as opposed to a moment of resurrecting old issues.
In answer to Belle’s question about inconvenicing guests, we live in NYC. Instead of making the simcha in the boro where we live, we did it in Brooklyn, because things are cheaper there. So it just meant driving for say, 1/2 hour instead of 5 minutes. And plenty of the guests who live in Brooklyn (including my husband’s Rebbe) were quite happy not to have to come to Queens. For people who live in NYC, I’d recommend that hall for any affair with up to 200 people (they have different size rooms depending upon the size of the party).
The centerpieces can be done even more cheaply then Belle described, providing you have the time. I have a co-worker (not Jewish, but very talented) who goes to the wholesalers and buys things, and also goes to the NYC Flower Market where fresh flowers are also wholesale. Add either of those to vases from a gemach, and you’re in business!
One final comment:
People sometimes confuse doing things “nicely” with “expensive.” It doesn’t have to be that way. When I described making floral centerpieces, for example, it can be done expensively, using a florist, rented vases and expensive flowers (or even swan ice sculptures if you want), or you could do it more frugally as we did, using gemach vases, flowers from Costco which cost about $35, and some fresh fruit to make it look creative. Benchers cost about $1 per person, which is optional but a nice touch if you can afford it; or, be creative and prepare a nice gift bag for guests, but I don’t think it can be done for less than $1 per person.
Chinese food can be had for less than $10 per person (comparable to the hoagies, depending on where you live), and if nice tablecloths are used (again, these can be borrowed from a gemach), it will still please those who are more aesthetic among us. The cost of a Shabbos kiddush goes way up with the hot food such as cholent and kugels, and cut-up fruit. These can be either home made or not used.
In short, people should know that there are numerous ways to cut down drastically on costs yet make a beautiful affair.
…for our sons, that is.
We had a sit-down kiddush meal with cholent at our Shul on Shabbos, and an open house with buffet at our home on Sunday afternoon.
Charnie, I want to offer my perspective as a guest. We were invited to a B/M that our neighbors made in a bedroom community suburb of our city. This town is *at least* 45 minutes away, but generally it takes about an hour to get there. My neighbor told me she did it to save money, but many of her guests ended up paying lots of extra money for babysitting and gas. Plus, it was just more difficult to arrange getting there, since it was out of town. For example, it could mean people having to leave work earlier than is comfortable in order to attend. And it can be more difficult to find babysitters who can stay up late enough to accommodate a late return home.
Of course, I didn’t express any of this to my neighbors. But when they made their next B/M, they did make it in our city. It was such a pleasure to attend a local event with all the ease that it entails. I have no idea what “a bit inconvenient” means to you. Quite possibly your guests really did not feel especially put out. But I suspect that my neighbor’s guests did feel more put out than my neighbor imagined.
Belle, count me among those who think your timeline is excellent. May I also add, have a budget and stick to it. We made two Bar Mitzvahs, and opted for a hall that perhaps was a bit inconvenient for some, but nevertheless, saved us literally thousands, and no one except for those of you reading this know that.
There is no reason that our FFB children should be deprived of a Bar/Bas Mitzvah celebration just because we’re BT’s. On the other hand, it’s quite an important milestone, and a simcha done with this in mind, will be one with ample divrei Torah, Rebbeim present, and not at all a “Keeping Up with the Friedmans” affair. Omit themes. No need for fancy party favors, most of the boys will do very well with a bencher that includes Mincha/Mairiv. No bands – if you want live music – stick to a one-man band, which can either be a friend or a yeshiva bochur looking to make a few bucks.
And most of all, enjoy and kvell over the fact that your son’s Bar Mitzvah is a Mitzvah, not a bar, because you’ve imparted the right values upon him!
Not to criticize the article (the TIPS portion has excellent money saving ideas) but it seems to be based on community expectaions. Most Bar Mitzvah’s here seem to consist of modest luncheons either in Shul or the community school with friends taking pictures and Torah speeches. I’m really afraid that moving back to a big community someday is going to be a huge culture shock.
Belle:
I apologize if I came across as overly critical; it appears that you took offense, which was certainly not my intention (r”l).
Please keep in mind that in our present matzav even gedolai ha’Torah are bemoaning the lavishness of many Jewish simchas and are setting guidelines in an attempt to encourage “modesty” in all aspects of our lifestyles and spending. As for example: ordering inscribed benchers? For one benching? The world is inundated with these bar mitzvah and wedding benchers. Floral centerpieces? For whom exactly? Twelve and thirteen year old boys? I cannot but help believe that our great grandparents would be other than shocked at these frivolous expenses. Just because we can afford them doesn’t mean that they should be bought.
Much has been written in the Orthodox press regarding the terrible trap of gashmius that we have fallen into in our overly comfortable American golus. It is from this perspective that I wrote my comment. We cannot be worthy of the geula–that so many ardently believe it imminent –if we do not immediately jettison our golus mentality and direct our energies to prepare for the geula and a life of tznius in Eretz Yisrael.
I think there is a wealth of good advice in Belle’s post. Thanks for submitting it. My wife and I will be referring back to it as we plan our son’s Bar Mitzvah, iy’h, this January.
I am surprised that so many have made negative comments about the “lavishness” described in my article. I purposefully left the decision making process up to the baal simcha, such as –decide what you want to do re: a seudas mitzvah and then plan for it–. I gave time lines for those items, if chosen, that would be needed. Those who choose not to hire a musician or a photographer, fine! Some people find that these are the most necessary ingredients, more so than nice food! Everyone’s choices will be different and I don’t see the value in criticizing others’ choices, unless they undermine your community.
As for my description being like a lavish wedding or a Hollywood satirization, believe me our simchos were quite modest: in the backyard, using gemach items, etc, very much as Leonard Cohen described, despite his very critical comment. And, I don’t understand why I feel like I have to defend the modesty of my simchos — I am starting to feel like Beyond BT commenters are as judgmental as those they are judging…..
Thanks to Mark for being positive!!!
Moshe, I wrote the comment with which you disagree. I was specifically referring to finances, not “fitting in.” Tell me, if a family should need to go into debt to make a “fitting in” bar mitzvah, is that worth it? And if they go into debt for a first son, kal vchomer, as it will be hard to explain to the younger ones why they aren’t getting what the older one got. Is “fitting in” worth a lifetime of debt?? I think families in dire financial straits have a harder time feeling their spirituality.
If money is no object, that is another story.
May I suggest:
To save money, use a reliable friend with enough brains to take decent pictures, instead of a professional photographer?
You could even pay the friend a few bucks, and it would still cost less.
Lots of excellent recorded music [for example, on CD technology] is available in stores. This could be used to save money instead of professional musicians.
Also it is NOT a disaster if the Bar Mitzvah does not lein his entire parshah; if he leins his aliyah, that would impress most people, including me.
Tessya wrote:
“Do baalei tshuva feel the need to match the “typical†FFB simcha, which not all FFB’s feel required to make? There are a lot of corners that can be cut if finances aren’t up to it, but baalei tshuva may feel that they’ll be looked down on if they do so.”
As we all know and when possible, we need to give our children what most other children are getting in their social circle. So even if we ourselves have our own standard – we need to arrange that our kids fit in with their peers, unless they choose not to. Although a 13 year old may not realize until later that they were treated “special” and in combination with other causes – this can become a big issue.
While we may have our own ideal as to how to best be “frum” – we can impart these values to our children – but in terms of approved social and behaivoral norms, it is best to weigh in on the cautious side and give our children the opportunity “fit in” wherever possible. If they choose to be independent as we later in life – well, that then will be their choice.
Social pressure to overspend has put a great amount of stress on American Jews.
I think this is a fantastic article in terms of the amount of practical and insightful information it provides.
Of course the author, Belle, is not telling people how big a party they SHOULD have, as I’m sure that those who are being critical here are not telling Belle what type of party she SHOULD have.
From the description, Belle was having a moderate Bar Mitzvah for her community and that seems like a logical and sensible thing to do. Belle, Yasher Koach to you for taking the time to provide us with this wealth of information.
“These family members may have some skills”
To clarify my comment in post # 3, I was referring to non-frum family members. A revised version appears below:
——————————————–
“It can get quite stressful, especially when there aren’t frum family involved helping you with the arrangements, or who want to do things differently than you.â€
The non-frum family members may have some skills (such as graphics, crafts, etc.) with which they can contribute to preparations. This will help them to feel included, and will be a way to maintain positive contact. Perhaps they will ask for your help in preparing for their family events, giving you an opportunity to make suggestions about rituals, kashrut, Shabbat accomodations, etc.
We are used to short notice for simchas, but I think that for a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, we can get the invitations out further in advance than we do for weddings. This is especially relevant to those from other social circles. If you can’t get the invitations done in time for six to eight weeks notice, you can send out a “hold the date†postcard or e-mail. Phone calls would be nice, too.
Sorry Laurie B., but I find your approach woefully discordant with the serious financial, political and spiritual tenure of the times. What you recommend sounds like a Hollywood satirization of the worse excesses of a Jewish bar mitzvah.
I have four boys, all well past bar mitzvah age. Here is my recipe.
1. Buy tefillin from a reputable local sofer. He needs and deserves the support of his community.
2. Sponsor a modest kiddush on the Shabbos of the bar mitzvah.
2. Rent the least expensive local recreation hall you can find for an evening, preferably your own shul’s (or another in the neighborhood). NO CATERING HALLS EVER.
3. Hire an approved caterer to deliver 5-foot long heroes and cake. Buy your own bags of potato chips and a few cases of soda.
4. Invite only your son’s class (or grade if it isn’t too large of a school) plus immediate relatives ONLY.
5. Hire a one-man band. Most are very talented and really get involved with the boys.
6. Buy a bunch of disposable cameras and hand them out. The kids have a ball with them.
Just remember, IT’S FOR THE KIDS, not for the grownups. Time and again I’ve overheard the bochurim tell each other at the end of an exhuasting night of dancing: “This was the best bar mitzvah ever.”
“It can get quite stressful, especially when there aren’t frum family involved helping you with the arrangements, or who want to do things differently than you.”
These family members may have some skills (such as graphics, crafts, etc.) with which they can contribute to preparations. This will help them to feel included, and will be a way to maintain positive contact. Perhaps they will ask for your help in preparing for their family events, giving you an opportunity to make suggestions about rituals, kashrut, Shabbat accomodations, etc.
We are used to short notice for simchas, but I think that for a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, we can get the invitations out further in advance than we do for weddings. This is especially relevant to those from other social circles. If you can’t get the invitations done in time for six to eight weeks notice, you can send out a “hold the date” postcard or e-mail. Phone calls would be nice, too.
No need to treat this like a mini-wedding. The low cost options are the best; why use money for less than its optimum purpose? Musician and photographer definitely unnecessary if you don’t have one in your family. My bar mitzvah was photo- and musician-free and a good time was had by all. The memories that count are in our minds.
Even with the few scaling down tips, this is a lot of money. Do baalei tshuva feel the need to match the “typical” FFB simcha, which not all FFB’s feel required to make? There are a lot of corners that can be cut if finances aren’t up to it, but baalei tshuva may feel that they’ll be looked down on if they do so.