In leading a life of Torah there are two pursuits: eliminating the negative and increasing the positive. These two avenues apply both to the individual and the community. On Beyond Teshuva the primary focus has been on the problems we have, the negative situations we face, and the ways that we can cope and change them. The risk we run by focusing on the problems is that we might start to view our friends, communities, institutions and life situations through a negative lens which is contrary to Torah. In her article on What Destroys Societal Trust, Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller makes the following point regarding Loshon Hora:
Loshon hara is so terribly destructive because it conditions those who speak it and those who hear it to frame reality negatively. The cumulative effect of a lifetime of speaking loshon hara are the kinds of elderly people who are so miserable and embittered that they don’t have a good word to say about anyone, including themselves, their bodies, and their lives. We all know such people. When you ask, “How are you?†they reply, “How should I be?â€
Hashem wants us to view His world in a positive light as evidenced by both the prohibitions against Loshon Horah and the positive mitzvah of Judging People Favorably. That doesn’t mean putting our head in the sand and ignoring the problems. What it does mean is recognizing all the good in our communities, in our schools, in our institutions and in all our fellow Jews. It also means trying to see the situation from their point of view, with their challenges, which will always be different than ours.
Only when we come from the positive can we properly correct the negative. This is why the trait of kindness (chesed) as exemplified by Avraham, proceeds the trait of discipline (gevurah) as exmplified by Yitzchak. So let’s continue to discuss issues and potential solutions, but let’s keep our overall focus on the positive as we travel together on our growth path through life.
I think the verse in Psalms is directed to the individual who must give priority on not distancing himself from Hashem any further by avoiding negative actions, over bringing himself closer through positive actions. (Although Rabbi Yitzchok Kirzner zt”l points out that which to focus on is a subject of disagreement between the Mussar and Chassidic schools.)
However when the corrective process involves others, we must see and treat the person, community or institution in a positive way before we attempt correction.
On the surface, the title of this essay,
“Correcting the Negative, Necessitates Starting from the Positive” contradicts the verse “sur mayrah v’aseh tov” Turn from evil and do good. (On a similar note, King David starts off Psalms in an unexpectedly ‘negative’ tone.) I stress “on the surface,” but I’d love to hear some ideas on how to reconcile them.
One obvious difference is that one says “correcting” and the other says “turning”. Perhaps the solution will be similar to the ones posed for all those “im ain derech eretz ain Torah” -type paradoxes in Pirke Avos.
Sarah – What I find interesting is that Judging People Favorably is not just a good character trait, but actually a positive mitzvah in the Torah like eating Matzah on Pesach.
I have a friend who points out that the great work of the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation in regards to Loshon Hara is just half the battle. The true victory occurs when we start doing the positive things like Judging People Favorably.
It’s hard work, but hopefully as a group we can work on growing in this together.
You are so right Mark about attitude becoming habitual about the way we perceive things. I’ve seen people say to “smiley” people, “What are you always smiling about?”. There are those who seem to have a negative outlook about most things and those who are positive and everything in-between.
I have found attitude and demeanor to be contagious. I am usually drawn to happier and upbeat folks in general, though I am respectful and tolerate everybody.
The truth is, there is so much to be happy about, to be grateful for. There are so many more good apples than bad, so many people, things and experiences to appreciate. Sometimes we just have to sit back, even for a moment, and notice. And think about it. Really doesn’t take much time to do this, just focus.
Regarding judging favorably, well we all must have experienced so many times where we see things are not always as they may seem. I’ve been told I’m naive, but I prefer to believe people, trust them, judge them favorably as much as possible. Who knows, maybe if we treat people that way, some of them will rise to the occasion. And if they don’t, what’s the worse that can happen? The end outcome will be the same disappointment anyhow, without all the suspicion and anxiety leading up to it. Anyhow, it works for me thus far, both in personal relationships, family and the fast paced real estate business.
I received a book a few years ago called “The Other Side of the Story” by Rebbetzin Yehudis Samet. It came with a Study Guide for conducting a learning group on the topic of trying to see others’ challenges and making favorable judgements. This package also came with a letter from the OU describing the Pardes Project, which “promotes the discussion of important issues through traditional sources”. If anyone is interested in conducting a study group on this topic, I will be glad to send you the materials. Please ask Mark for my e-mail address.