By Leah Anderson
Recently, there was an interesting letter to the editor in the Yated (newspaper I get weekly). The woman (a BT) went to a wedding and someone at her table mentioned that she could tell a mile away that she is a BT, even though she has been frum for 15 years. The BT was very upset and hurt, she thought that her shaitel and outfit fit in very well with the “look” that everyone else was wearing, but this stranger was able to tell she was a BT. And she so desperately wants to fit into the community!
This got me to thinking, that although many times BTs are made to feel welcome in the communities we live in, sometimes grave mistakes are made that are very insensitive and hurtful.
My husband (let’s call him Dovid) told me what happened to him once, and has given me permission to relay this here.
When Dovid was first becoming religious, he davened in the way he was taught in Hebrew school, with a havarah sfardit. All the sofs were tofs. Anyways, he went to a friend for shabbos and they went to shul, and no one wanted to daven Mincha (everyone too tired) so they asked my husband to daven. When davening was over a man went over to Dovid and asked him if he was looking for a shidduch! Dovid, who was single at the time, told him “Yes”. So the man said “well, don’t expect to find anyone around here!” My husband walked away in shock, but didn’t answer him. What a callous thing to say, my husband was this new Baal Teshuvah and got such a warm welcome. There is nothing wrong with davening in havarah sfardit, and our shul is very happy to have Dovid daven at the amud, Bli Ayin Horah.
Anyways, I thought that we could all share on this topic some things that have happened that were unpleasant and get support from each other.
Unfortunately, there are many Jews who have issues with Judiasm, for various reasons,and it kills them that their own kids have become frum. My mother in law said “It would have been easier if he joined a cult!” My own parents are holocaust survivors who were very opposed to me becoming religious. Well, the years past by and they saw how being religious was very good for me and my family, they have pure yiddishe nachas from my family. And from my sisters and brothers, they were very pained to watch them intermarry. Of course not everything works out hunky dory, but one can always pray that things will be better. And be very patient with the folks. The remark they made about college and living in poverty makes me think that perhaps they are concerned that their grandchildren will be poor. We are a very materialistic society and the pursuit of the dollar is so pervasive and “all” important. Boruch Hashem we have Torah and Mitzvot and different priorities. Hatzlocha and Good Shabbos.
Leah:
Don’t be so sure. I am frum 22 years, and my parents are still absolutely opposed to everything religious judaism stands for (or what they believe it stands for). There are still hurtful statements made, jabs, condescending remarks (“your children will live in poverty because they won’t go to college and that’s OK with you”). Only because my husband forces me to stifle my emotional reactions to my parent’s evident disapproval and nasty jibes are there fewer arguments than there are.
Sadly, in kibud av v’em, not everything works out hunky dory, and yet we still have to be nice and respectful to parents even while taking flak. It is not easy for everyone. I relate to Azriella’s situation very much, and I don’t predict any sudden, rosy, epiphanies from her parents. Perhaps, if she’s lucky, they will mellow and cease criticizing her in the future.
But I totally understand Azriella’s pain, and support her in her resolve not to let them undermine what seems to be her inspiring and beautiful Torah life that she has made for herself and her family.
Azriella, if you have any great ideas that worked for you, please let me know!!
Azriela, one day your family, IY”H, will respect you for what you have done. I know mine have!
Leah, to clarify, the woman who judged me across the table was FFB, not BT. To answer your question, I thought the reply the following week in the yeted was excellent. And for those of you who have expressed sympathy and said things like, “I feel badly for Azriela and others who have had to endure. . . ” I just want to say, yes, this was momentarily painful, and it prompted me to write the letter in the first place. But honestly, it pales in comparison with some of the challenges we’ve faced within our family of origin, and the distance that has resulted. This was the kind of pain that was like a band-aid being ripped off, hurt like the dickens at the moment, but it faded fast, and except for the occasional insecurity I might feel at times, it didn’t “stick” with me, because I don’t need this woman’s approval of me, and I knew that her disapproval was misplaced. The lack of approval by my family, and the judgments we’ve endured for years is painful in a whole different way. That one goes deeper, means more, is harder to resolve, but ultimately, it comes down to the same thing. My husband and I have embarked on this journey with our children and some people will judge us harshly, but we know that this is right and true and meaningful, and we’ve come too far now to be knocked off the path by well-meaning naysayers. We’ll be judged by our secular family for being too religious, and we’ll be judged by FFB’s for not “passing” in some way or another, and so it goes, and goes, and goes, but gosh, we’re still trucking!
Step into the laboratory and we will hook up the electrodes.
this BTdar issue is intriguing… i wonder if i trigger it, and whether it’s community-dependent.
“Leah” and Azriela,
As much as we try to fit in, lishmah, as we only want to fit in because we want to feel and be part of the klal, not for any shallow reasons, I think the people we admire most and look up to are those who don’t seem to care what others think. They’re doing what they’re supposed to do, straight on, looking only up towards HKBH and nowhere else. I feel bad for Azriela and “Dovid” and all the BTs who’ve had to endure insensitive remarks. I’m sure I’ve had my share, I choose not to focus on them. But sometimes I smile and gently say something nice to the other person about how I wish I’d had the educational opportunities they’d had. A little Jewish guilt/light mussar should leave them thinking…
Azriela, I am very excited that you wrote in and revealed your secret, and told us what happened. It is sad that this happened to you, and was done by an older BT, who doesn’t even realize what she did was wrong! I hope that she reads the yated and looks you up and apologizes. By the way….What did you think of the answer in the Yated that someone wrote, that some teacher or mentor in your past who helped you grow in your Yiddishkiet told you to hide what you are, to hide your past life in order to blend in?
Thank you Azriela,
Your thoughts mirrored mine (or mine yours, you had it first) As BTs we should also remember to try to make those on an earlier step than we are on, feel comfortable and welcomed. Embarassment is a terrible demotivator and can do untold damage.
I’m coming out of the closet!
Loyal BT readers and commenters to this post. It’s time for true confessions. Many of you know me as a regular writing contributor to beyond bt. I am also the anonymous person who wrote this letter to the Yeted. And yes, I always planned to be anonymous — my own husband doesn’t even know I wrote it ( although I think I’ll tell him now). So, since so many people have commented on this, I thought I’d tell you exactly what happened, for the benefit of those who never saw the yeted letter I wrote. In a nutshell:
Went to a frum wedding, dressed appropriately, sat at a table where an older FFB woman was seated across from me. Friend next to me, also a BT introduces herself and in conversation states that she hasn’t always been frum. Lady across from me who has never spoken to me, and hasn’t even seen me except for being seated across from me, makes this comment to my friend while looking at me: “She doesn’t look religious, but I’m shocked — you’d never know that you haven’t been religious all your life!” I, thinking I must have heard wrong said to her, “Excuse me? What do you mean, I don’t look religious?” She merely shrugged her shoulders, and then turned to my friend and asked her all about her life. I promptly left the table and went to the bathroom to collect myself. While I was gone, my friend told me that this woman’s daughter leaned over to her and said, “mom, that wasn’t nice,” at which point, the woman replied, “Why? What’s the big deal?” End of story. Except it wasn’t the end of the story for me, as it really affected me because I had zero contact with this woman, and it unnerved me that somehow she could have BT radar with no words exchanged between us, and also, that somehow I hadn’t managed to “look the part”, even though I thought I had.I sat across from her the rest of the night, feeling sick, and then went home and wrote that letter.
I appreciate many of the posts that you all have shared. Also, yes, there was an excellent letter to the editor in the week following in the yeted, reminding all of us of the dangers of using externals as some measuring yardstick. I will tell you candidly what I felt at the time, and now, what I’m coming to feel about this.
First, at the time, I definately felt completely humiliated, and like I had been stripped naked amidst a room full of people who were the “real deal” and somehow, I was not. Second, for a long time afterwards, I did feel paranoid about how I appeared and how I dressed. Also, I definately felt a certain degree of sadness and hopelessness, that somehow, no matter how many years have passed, I will never “pass.”
Of course I appreciate the perspective shared by many that we want to surround ourselves with people who love us either in spite of being BT, or just because we are fellow Jews, or even, they are more interested, not less, because they have so much respect for our journey. I also know that Hashem placed this woman in my path for a reason. And perhaps it was not only for my own growth. When i wrote the letter to the yeted, I did so because I realized that I’m far enough along that she couldn’t knock me off this path, but her comment was so cruel and disdainful ( gotta tell you, her tone of voice and her eyes said it all), I really felt that if a BT just beginning had heard such a thing, it could have led to disaster. So when I wrote to the yeted, I thought well, at least, I’ll perhaps stop someone else from making such a thoughtless comment.
I believe that this deep yearning to be accepted as one of the group will never leave us. I also believe that FFB’s have plenty of it too — to be accepted by someone more to the right, or someone who lives on a certain block, or goes to a certain shul, or someone who won’t let their kid marry yours. We have a universal need to be approved of, and highly regarded, whether ffb, or bt, or reform, secular, you name it.
I’m glad my letter helped spark such good conversation on the topic. Now my secret is revealed. . . .
Tal–I’m not advocating trying to fit in with shallow or immoral groups of people. My only point was that it was rather flippant to imply that the only thing people need to do is be the person Hashem wants them to be. Hashem wants us to connect with other people. Being part of a group means compromising. People with the attitude of “I am who I am and if they don’t like it, who cares!” (or “it’s my way or the highway”) rarely have many friends.
When I was working in New Hampshire, the management decided to OK wearing some casual clothing in the office. The personnel lady gave us an orientation in the lunchroom, where she presented a large easel with cutouts of clothing from ads or magazines showing what was OK. But the cutouts were meant as generic indicators, not as something we had to match exactly. I would hope we’re not at the point where every minor feature of ordinary clothing has become significant.
Humans are intensely social creatures with a strong desire to “fit in.†When someone feels hurt because they were made to feel “outside†the group, it’s not necessarily true that such a person is ignoring Hashem and what He wants. The two are not mutually exclusive. And social interactions/connections are held up as important in the Torah over and over again, starting with Adam. Judaism is not a monastic religion. So it’s not like it is against Torah to want to fit in with a community and make friends.
Fern, I was nowhere suggesting that Judaism is monastic or that social interaction has no importance. What I was suggesting is that a person should pick a group he or she wishes to “fit in” with based on criteria from Above. If the group is itself shallow or interested only in the trivial or mundane, then why should the BT, as an oved Hashem be so upset that they don’t accept him or her?
Look at the original story:
woman (a BT) went to a wedding and someone at her table mentioned that she could tell a mile away that she is a BT, even though she has been frum for 15 years. The BT was very upset and hurt, she thought that her shaitel and outfit fit in very well with the “look†that everyone else was wearing, but this stranger was able to tell she was a BT. And she so desperately wants to fit into the community!
Now I admit I did not read the original letter in the Yated, so maybe this blurb misrepresents what was going on. But, assuming it’s accuracy, I am really astounded that this woman “could tell a mile away that she is a BT?” Excuse me, what was that judgment based on? Her middos tovos, or what she was wearing? Seems the latter. And, sure enough, we are told “she thought that her shaitel and outfit fit in very well with the ‘look’ that everyone else was wearing”
Now I am not an advocate of wearing strange or outlandish clothing. A person should dress neatly, be tznius, and more or less normal for the occassion (in this case a wedding).
But OTOH, I really have little interest in impressing some yente who thinks she can size me up “from a mile away,” let alone one with enough chutspah to announce it at a social event.
Tamim tihiye im Hashem Elokecho!
Be simple w/ G-d, be yourself, forget trying so hard to fit in. Live your own life, create your own circles where you don’t feel judged as a BT. Don’t concentrate so much on what FFB’s said or the way they reacted to BTs. There is always a lesson to be learned. Yes, we BTs are different, we are real, FFBs learn so much from us, you have no idea, they might not show it. We keep them on their toes.
…And after all, being called a BT is not a chisaron, it’s a special compliment.
I just thought of a funny anecdote that fits in with my above comment.
I used to work under a Rabbi who worked in kiruv (well, at least that was part of his job, the part he enjoyed the most). He didn’t have a television in his house nor did he watch TV at other people’s houses or on the internet. And yet, he payed close attention to conversations about various television shows so that he could use things in those shows as metaphors for what he was trying to convey to various secular Jews he came in contact with. He was particularly fascinated by the show “24” and liked Jack Bauer a lot. It took me a while to realize that he had never even watched the show because he could talk like he was best buddies with Jack.
Obviously, this is the reverse of the scenario I gave above. But this particular Rabbi was looking for a way to connect with people who were a little outside of his normal circle of friends, and he looked for a way to connect with them, without changing who he was or his personal standards.
Fern, Good point, but I think it depends how we define “fitting inâ€. If it is fitting in through Chesed, Love, Learning and Teaching, that’s certainly in the Torah’s prescription. But if it involves trying to get the approval of people who disparage BTs and others, then that type of “fitting in†is contrary to Torah.
I totally agree with this and with the rest of your comment. I purposely said that wanting to fit in and serving Hashem are not necessarily mutually exclusive because there are, of course, times when we must risk ostracization to do the right thing (you don’t have to be frum, or even Jewish to realize this). And as you point out, wanting to be friends with people who have disdain for BTs is counterintuitive and counterproductive.
BUT, if one limits one’s talk of the latest happenings on XYZ TV show to fit in with a group that doesn’t have televisions in their home…is that really wrong or bad? You’re not changing who you are, you’re just showing the group a different side of you that is more likely to result in finding common interests (i.e. the stuff friendships are built on).
An amusing article, somewhat relevant to our topic: http://www.ou.org/index.php/jewish_action/article/33179/: Confessions of a BT Wannabee
Fern, Good point, but I think it depends how we define “fitting in”. If it is fitting in through Chesed, Love, Learning and Teaching, that’s certainly in the Torah’s prescription. But if it involves trying to get the approval of people who disparage BTs and others, then that type of “fitting in” is contrary to Torah.
There are many other examples where fitting in and doing what Hashem wants are mutually exclusive. That’s why Pirkei Avos tells us to be “Bold as a Leopard” to do mitzvos in the face of ridicule. And there are numerous warnings in the Gemora and the Mussar works about distancing ourselves from groups which are not striving to get closer to Hashem.
Of course it’s painful to be embarrassed as in the post above, but I think the solution is to find people who are working on getting closer to Hashem and helping others to get closer. It’s far less likely that you’ll be punished with verbal assaults, you’ll be doing what Hashem wants and befriending such people is a much more beneficial act.
I’m Jewish. My experience is just the opposite. The judging we’ve received from FFBs pales in comparison to the negative judgment we as Torah Observant Jews receive from the Non Observant. In both cases the negative judgment is a result of ignorance by the one judging.
What’s difficult, however, is that the amount of judgmentalism from FFB’s just oozes from them. To be honest, the Reform that I’ve met are frankly, just nicer people.
I think most people would be better served by focusing primarily on what the Almighty thinks of you than what your neighbor thinks of you. (I don’t mean you should be oblivious to social norms, but that should be a secondary consideration.)
That’s a lot easier said than done. Humans are intensely social creatures with a strong desire to “fit in.” When someone feels hurt because they were made to feel “outside” the group, it’s not necessarily true that such a person is ignoring Hashem and what He wants. The two are not mutually exclusive. And social interactions/connections are held up as important in the Torah over and over again, starting with Adam. Judaism is not a monastic religion. So it’s not like it is against Torah to want to fit in with a community and make friends.
On the contrary, Belle, that person usually has far more in common with us than the rest, I agree!
There was a really great response to that letter in the next week’s Yated, so great I wanted to clip it out. In short, the writer said that the problem of feeling pressured to conform which comes from obnoxious statements like the BT experienced is actually the root of many problems in the frum community. She said that it is dysfunctional for any society to have such rigid acceptance norms that people feel ostracized merely for being themselves. She said that it can be argued that this judgmentalism is the root of the shidduch problem, the at-risk kids problem, etc. And our accepting this pressure to conform as legitimate actually gives life and energy to a dysfunctional aspect of our world. Because it is not just BTs who are, or feel, different. Anyone could feel different, in any number of ways, and a society should have a place for everyone.
So…I agree, and although I can also spot a BT a mile away, Ron, and yes, it is often the eyes, but also the posture, tone of voice, etc., I am interested to meet that person. I don’t feel that there is no room at the table for that person. And maybe by just being normal and not hiding our differences, we can help create a healthier society for all of us!
Take a look at the Sugya in Yevamos 46-47 re gerim. The Issur of Onnas Devarim is one that Tosfos and Tosfos Yeshanim state is applicable especially to Gerim ( and probably BTs as well) simply because as Tosfos and TY point out, Gerim ( and BTs) are more precise in their performance of Mitzvos than the average FFB, because such a fact makes many FFBs uncomfortable and because the phenomenon of how FFBs fail to deal in a proper way with Gerim and BTs happens quite frequently See Tosfos D”H Kashim and the TY on 47b for more details. Obviously, this issue is hardly a new one in Jewish history.
Let’s not forget the BTs who aren’t yet fully committed. This is a good way to knock him or her clear off the fence. What ridiculous comments!
Very early on in my “career” as a BT I decided I would choose my role models carefully.
When a person with a streimal acted rudely, I’d think of the wonderful Jews I knew who wore streimals, and forget about the rude guy. If I saw a person with a knit kippa being lax with a mitzvah, I’d think of the knit kippa Torah scholars I knew who were scrupulous with all the mitzvos. And so on.
Every community has big tzaddikim, and those who are not. It’s our choice to focus on the positive role models and not get bogged down by those who are not so positive.
1. My first reaction to this story, a reaction I often have to such stories, is that the person vioalted the issur of ona’as devarim — causing pain through words.
That seems to be one of the most neglected issurim in the Torah. Given that such issur is so easy to violate, I wonder why rabbonim and mechanchim do not emphasize it more.
2. I think most people would be better served by focusing primarily on what the Almighty thinks of you than what your neighbor thinks of you. (I don’t mean you should be oblivious to social norms, but that should be a secondary consideration.)
After all, after 120 years, only the former will count, not the latter. And the style of one’s suit or shaitel will count for little then.
3. As to shidduchim specifically, you should remember that it is a two-way street. There are many people who have all sorts of silly ideas when it comes to a shidduch for their family. Some of that affects BTs more than others.
I never was outraged by these stories (e.g. will only marry someone whose mother uses a white table-cloth, colored table-cloths were the kiss of death). Why in the world would I want to marry into a family that was so shallow?
Ellen, the “warmest welcome” thing does not do it for me. There are all sorts of motivations that a person can have for “welcoming” someone “warmly.” The frum world has a lot of social hardness to it — I have written about this a lot — but once you are a member, frum people literally will give you the blood from their veins.
Bob, it is true that I can pick out “costume” disharmonies readily, and these actually account for a large percentage of the BT-dar pickups. But what I really mean is… the eyes. The eyes of the vast majority of BT’s, at a simcha or group event, are darting around, making sure they’re doing the right thing, or that they aren’t missing something. They’re also less likely to be sitting and conversing comfortably with a family member, old yeshiva friend or rebbi.
I can just pick up the social unease. It’s the same one I feel, after all… and that I felt at college!
Oh, and another thing…on Zev Brenner’s Talkine radio show Sat. nite, he was interviewing a stand-up “Chassidic commedian” named Yisroel Campbell. He spoke liberally about being a ger, and wondered why, when it mentions all over the place to welcome the ger, no one in the frum community seems to get it. He had converted three times: Reformed, Conservative, and Orthodox, but, he said, the warmest welcome he got from any sector was from, you guessed it, the Reformed.
Leah: It seems that this woman must have stood out in the crowd by showing how tactless she is. And as to the comment made to Dovid, maybe the guy was putting down his own community by pointing out how closed-minded they all were.
I often wondered at my own priorities…I could sooner tell people that I was divorced or have a “kid-at-risk” than let them know I’m a BT. Atleast there were a number of divorcees or parents of at-risk kids in any given group so I didn’t have to worry about not fitting in! Now they can know the whole shmear and I’m fine (nothing like being older and wiser to realize how little these things matter). Nowadays I also notice the BT’s, and I look forward to meeting them and sharing stories. I can no longer pretend that I was absent for the first 16 years of my life. I need to be all of who I am, and be all of that when I’m with others. This way I’m more honest with my relationship with Hashem, because now what I do is for him, and not for the neighbors.
And, hey, Charlie, get back to work! (And I will, too ;)
Someone once told me that since I wore a talit I would never find a shidduch. Never mind that I was instructed to do so by a rav! I’m happy to say that the clueless guy was proven wrong :). (I also pronounce taf rather than saf.)
I second the point that “fitting in” may be overrated. I wear neither a kipah sruga nor a fedora and don’t particularly care whether someone agonizes over the question of which camp I should be pigeonholed.
If not that, Ron, then what?
Bob, no.
I think there are a few lessons to take out of this.
1) One is to realize that we are all judgmental to some degree. When we see the unfairness of being judged for something of no fault of our own (being born not frum) and the pain it causes, perhaps we will be more sensitive to our own thoughts of judgment and they way we express them.
Nobody is impervious to emotional pain, you can’t toughen it away without killing your own humanity. We do need how to learn to channel that pain into a positive direction, ie becoming better Jews.
2) The second is to realize to some degree integration is a myth. Yes its important to not look foolish, and try to make at as easy as possible for your kids, etc…
But striving to walk the walk and talk the talk stunts spiritual growth. There are whole towns of stunted people because they strive to integrate to the mediocre norm instead of becoming the great Jews that they were destined to be.
We each have unique life circumstances, unique talents and a unique mission and the integration we should be focused on is integrating with Hashem and His plan for each of us to become great Jews.
A BT will always be a BT, by definition and that’s G-ds plan. I think it makes mores sense to stick with G-d’s plan and become the best BTs we can be, rather than wear a costume that will never truly fit us.
Along the lines of what Ben-David said maybe this needs to be turned around.
The first incident could be taken as a complement. The woman could have thought to herself, thank you for noticing that, even though I’m dressed just like you, even after 15 years of being “frum” I still have enough of that spark that brought me to yiddishkeit.
As for the second story, people need to develop enough self-confidence to realize that being “frum” does not prevent people from being jerks.
Ron,
Are you saying that there is such total social conformity among FFB’s that the tiniest out-of-place aspect unmasks a BT?
By the way, Leah, I “hold of” BT-dar. I can spot a BT in any situation, regardless of how well he is put together, with at least 95% accuracy. It just is what it is, people!
Live it or live with it!
Yeah, Steg, I know it’s hard to imagine. But really, wouldn’t you rather learn it, harshly, than learn it too late?
There are quite a few people who, either for emotional reasons or because of the limitations of their ability to express themselves, or because of how they have been socialized, don’t have the ability to give guidance in an appropriate fashion.
The gemora in Erechin says that even in the time of the Tannaim they doubted whether anyone knew how to take tochocha (admonishment) or how to give it. (Rabbi Akiva, evidently, was an exception in the former category. Yup — a BT!) Is it any surprise we are such klutzes at it 2000 years later?
I had two reactions to the story:
1. It’s not only sad that BTs can be treated this way but that anyone who uses a different, legitimate pronounciation is treated this way; and.
2. This isn’t simply a BT-FFB thing, there are people in all walks of life that are insensitive and blunt. There are also those that are caring, welcoming and sensitive. Sometimes it’s just the luck of the draw.
How much time should we spend recounting the social slights or worse that we’ve experienced? This has value only if we can present lessons learned or practical guidance.
so the person was trying to be helpful by telling him in an obnoxious manner that the people in that community are obnoxious… sort of a demonstration, i guess?
Maybe the problem is wanting too much to fit in?
Maybe Hashem caused the generational shifts that resulted in the BT phenomenon in order to bring new attitudes into an increasingly insular frum world?
Maybe BTs aren’t supposed to accept all the cultural encrustations that have collected around halchic Torah Judaism – maybe they’re supposed to be more discerning, bring fresh eyes, and push back against the secondary narishkeit – so we ALL can see the Torah’s true path(s) more clearly.
That is a pretty nasty story, but you know what? That person who crudely said that to your future husband probably thought he was doing him a favor.
No, really.
It is astonishing that someone would have the nerve to communicate that way to another person, though, isn’t it? And right after a conversation with God?!