As a BT I find davening hard, I grew up in a very spiritual house where my mother always said G-d is with you always and you can talk to him in anyway you choose the same way you’d speak to one of your sisters or friends and that is exactly the kind of relationship I had (have?) with G-d. At times we’d be the best of friends speaking 5 times a day and at others there would be some unspoken distance between us and weeks might pass without so much as a word (on my end of course).
As a frum person I am expected to daven from my siddur prescribed prayers daily. I find it quite difficult to find the meaning in the tefillot and I definitely don’t think I have the requisite awe. I flip back and forth between English and Hebrew, some days I am of the mindset that you have to daven in Hebrew it is Loshen Hakodesh, but most days I feel you should daven in a language you really understand and although my knowledge of Hebrew is not bad I don’t have the same feelings when I daven in Hebrew. I remember the first time I read nishmat in English it brought me to tears that has never happened to me in Hebrew.
I guess the only reason I feel this pressure is because I feel it keeps me apart it identifies me as a BT rather than an FFB and that does bother me. I also wonder what will I do when I have children and I need to teach them to daven? If I always daven in English how can I then convey the beauty of the davening to them? Well I don’t have the answer but if anyone else does I’d love to have some suggestions.