Special Challenges of Becoming Frum for Women

By Gail Pozner

When you think about all the changes a secular woman makes and the challenges she faces along the road toward a frum lifestyle, especially compared to men, it is amazing that there still are so many women who do it. I think it testifies to the explanation of “She lo asani eisha” that “women are more spiritual” (so they don’t need as many mitzvos). If women are not spiritual, I don’t think we’d be seeing this phenomenon, because it is so hard. I’d like to focus on the following two experiences.

Many, although not all, American women who become frum during or after college, had completely absorbed the feminist ethos, to wit: men and women are basically the same (although some believe women are superior); they have often proven themselves equally capable as men in all levels of competition, be it intellectual, creative, or athletic. They have lived side by side with the men in classes, at parties, in the dorms, and even in the coed bathrooms. They have been fed “women’s studies” classes whose goal is to denigrate marriage and traditional, feminine aspects of womanhood and to bolster the notion that career and individual achievement is what is important.

When these assertive, accomplished women arrive at a Torah class or yeshiva/seminary, it is nearly impossible at first for them to wrap their minds around the notions of “making your husband your king,” “men’s role is public, women’s role is private,” and the importance of dressing with tznius (modesty) so that (among other reasons) men’s minds are not distracted. They often have little if any understanding or appreciation of the fundamental differences between men and women, of their differing wants, needs and basic personalities, and they certainly don’t appreciate the different goals for each as outlined in the Torah. As my rebbitzen used to say in response to accusations by parents of brainwashing, “these girls need their brains washed a little!”

As in other pursuits, it is much harder to unlearn something than it is to learn it from a blank slate. So for some women, the process of aligning their personal philosophy and sense of self to the Torah is a huge challenge. Many female baalei teshuva make this transition smoothly and feel deeply liberated when they finally find “permission” from the Torah to express their deeper, feminine selves and give up fighting a masculine battle. Some women battle it out and finally emerge sans traces of anti-Torah feminist thought. Others, however, remain stuck on feminist issues.

The second major challenge comes upon marriage. A woman by that point has likely changed both her first and last names. She is likely wearing a wig or scarf, and a skirt down to her ankles. She looks…different. If she is fortunate enough to become pregnant right away, she is probably experiencing weakness, nausea and emotional rollercoaster rides. In short, “Shaindy Berkowitz” is nothing like she used to be before her teshuva, when she was strong, independent, holding a prestigious job, cheery and named “Ellen Mayer.” (Do not underestimate the sense of weirdness that comes with a complete name change!)
The challenge is only compounded when she has her baby, and she is shocked that it takes such strength and fortitude to merely get her baby through the first year of life, with the all-night feedings, sicknesses, and lack of time for even a shower. In addition, she now has to throw a dinner party twice a week (Shabbos) plus holidays. She may find it difficult being home all day, and may envy her husband who is carrying on doing the exact same thing (learning, working, or studying in university) that he was doing the day before the wedding. All these swirling emotions exist simultaneously with profound gratitude and happiness at being married and having had a baby and having found the Torah way of life. In short, the level of life changes a woman faces upon becoming a frum, married woman and mother is way beyond what a typical BT man generally faces when he starts a family.

[I have not even addressed the challenges for women who are single or not being able to conceive, while living a frum life.]

The answer is not simple, but I believe it lies in women needing to learn a long time to internalize Torah hashkafa and to understand the realities of her future and to strengthen herself internally for it. It is no small task to raise a family in the Jewish way, yet frequently women are just not prepared for it emotionally, especially if they still carry feminist impulses and resentments. Those who have learned the longest, especially in Eretz Yisroel, in a seminary or series of classes which discusses these issues head-on, make the smoothest and happiest transitions.

25 comments on “Special Challenges of Becoming Frum for Women

  1. With a food processor, a crock pot that turns itself down from high to low after a few hours, a microwave, a hot water urn and a warming try, we can make life easier – including having guests. The crock pot is especially valuable. You can fill it in fifteen minutes on Friday morning, and you come home to Shabbos dinner. Put in a frozen- solid London broil steak, a bunch of fresh flat leaf parsley, a bag of dried beans (I never bother to soak them) and a whole box of brown rice, and whatever else you like. A whole bag of little potatoes, no need to cut them up. Some dried barley, not too much as it expands, no need to soak. A whole bag of the little carrots. A few peppercorns or Osem powder or Mrs. Dash. Maybe half an onion. A bay leaf.

    An electric rice cooker might be good to have. Makes the rice easily, in quantity, and keeps it warm. Rice is sold cheap in huge plastic bags. I never even rinse it. In it goes.

    Also, cabbage, red and white, is great put through the shredding blade of the food processor; it makes a salad, with oil and vinegar, and whatever else you want, especially olives, straight from the jar or can.

    We have to think.

    A package of “soup greens” vegetables goes through the slicing blade of the food processor in two minutes. You just have to rinse and trim the stuff.

    So, dried legumes, potatoes, rice, with frozen meats and fresh greenery – and some machines – will get you over, with no hassles. Put some bland oil in everything.

    Cous-cous is expensive, but quick and easy. Put some oil in it, too; it comes together better.

    A jar of tomato sauce in a crockpot will make anything good.

    I am no cook, and even I can do this.

    Crock-pots come very large, too.

    A bag of carrots simmered in water and marmelade makes tzimmes.

    Unpeeled baking potatoes through the SHREDDING blade, with egg and matzah meal, make latkes. Zucchini too, I am told.

    So make your own lane.

  2. Ilanit:
    I think as with all parenting issues, it depends on how it is done! My mom also worked for many many years as well and my father, who was self-emplyed and worked from home, contributed much to our upbringing. However, I have strong memories of my mother always repeating that her first priority was us, that she always treasured having a family, etc. I think that it is important to get this message across to children whether or not the mother works. Sadly there are plenty of children who do not believe they are valued notwithstanding what their parents do during the day. It is easier, however, for children to feel valued if their mother is waiting for them when they get home from school, although that is no guarantee. I would suggest that all working moms hammer it into their children’s head that their number one priority is their children, and not be “feminist” by talking a lot about how important to her life her job/career is. It can make the children feel liked “chopped liver!”

  3. Dina – I agree with you on the difference between “career” and “avocation”. It all goes back to the saying that no one on their deathbed has ever said, “I wish I had spent more time at the office!” If we retain that perspective, everything falls into place. And hopefully, whatever arrangements are made, if all parties are fulfilled, no one feels like they are sacrficing and children will grow up happy. My mom, a hard-working mother who worked outside the home, is my best role model, and while not frum, she imparted to me so many values that I may not have picked up otherwise. Sometimes, it is financially necessary for the woman to work. Do her children turn out any worse? I don’t think so.

  4. Thank you Rishona for your comments. I appreciate your point. My point was just that, in this day and age, it is appropriate for a woman to have the choice to participate in the working world. Just because it may require more balancing skills does not mean that it is any less meaningul or important for a woman. Furthermore, perhaps it is important for a husband and wife to come to an understanding when it comes to kids’ needs and work. While nothing is perfect, I would hope that my husband and I would be able to work things out without me feeling like I am sacrificing something. When I was growing up, my dad was the one who made my lunch, drove me to school, picked me up, took me to the doctor, etc while my mom was tied up at work. Yes, I agree that in general it is a tall order for frum women in the workforce, but still, if a woman wants to pursue that path, she should not have to worry about a community questioning her or her values, ideals, etc.

  5. Hi Sephardi Lady,

    A long time ago, when I was a little boy, my mom once bought the frozen Meal Mart dinner, brought it to my Bubbe’s house, and had her warm up the dinner, which WAS Spaghetti & Meatballs, and I ate it as part of my Shabbos dinner there! I mean, we all know what traditional Shabbos fair is, but it’s no shame to eat that, either….in fact, this past Sukoa, we went to a house where one of the Yom Tov lunch dishes was just that!

  6. Ayala–My husband appreciates his wife keeping house and cooking as much as the next. I just want to clarify that my point is, there is no need to produce fancy when you are exhausted. Despite what the neighbors might think, it is OK to serve spagetti and meatballs on a Friday night instead of the more traditional fair.

  7. “Also, I think it is important to note that those who find the most stress in the week in week out activities of frum life are often trying to live up to expectations that are unnecessary and might even be self-imposed. There is no reason that every meal need to be a “dinner party” complete with three big courses. There are plenty of weeks where we don’t have guests because I don’t feel up to it and there are plenty of weeks where the easiest dishes make it out onto the table because it has been a tough week.”

    Exactly. I don’t think *anything* important to being a good wife or mother depends on housekeeping or cooking chores.

  8. >>What I wanted to emphasize is the feminist *denigration* of the concept of being a homemaker/wife/mother and the glorification of pursuing a career that is sometimes subtly, sometimes blatently packaged with more palatable feminist issues such as equal pay for equal work.

    Strangely enough, I have received more subtle denigration from the (quite) frum women who think there is something odd about a wife making it her goal to a fulltime homemaker, than I receive from the non-Jews that I meet up with who seem to view staying at home while the children are young as just a fact of life.

  9. Once again a broad brush is painted. Many BT’s that I know had the same philosophies on marriage and taking care of a family before kashrut and Shabbat as after it.

    >>In addition, she now has to throw a dinner party twice a week (Shabbos) plus holidays.

    Also, I think it is important to note that those who find the most stress in the week in week out activities of frum life are often trying to live up to expectations that are unnecessary and might even be self-imposed. There is no reason that every meal need to be a “dinner party” complete with three big courses. There are plenty of weeks where we don’t have guests because I don’t feel up to it and there are plenty of weeks where the easiest dishes make it out onto the table because it has been a tough week.

    One need not overextend herself. This cannot be stressed enough. If a wife doesn’t have the energy to put together a Shabbat dinner with all the trimmings, it is perfectly fine to leave out a course or to make something that is easier to make.

  10. sorry – i think you’re thoughts are way off base and limited in scope and depth. You can’t have “a prestigious job” or you’ve “bought into the feminist ideal?”
    I have what you would consider a prestigious job…. cover my hair, am married, have children, make shabbos, have guests etc.
    The real challenge we all face “FFB or BT” is respecting each other choices in life.
    I don’t judge my friends who made different choices than I did when they became frum and I don’t expect them to judge me.

  11. Regarding “sheloh asani isha ” and the proverbial often argued question ; is the torah and its corresponding laws/rules and regulations ( especially the ones with regards to like divorce and permission for divorce etc) ….. male chauvinism in a quaint spiritual disguise or just “protecting the woman” from her fickle emotions …….I actually never understood the exact reasoning on as to why men thank g-d for not creating them as females.And woman just thank g-d for creating us according to his will.

  12. Llanit –

    There is a big difference between being a working frum man and a working frum woman! Woman who aren’t religious already have such a difficult time when it comes to maternity leave, comparable pay to the male counterparts, and non-consideration (more so in non-traditional careers for women) for the nuances of the female physique (such as requirements of being able to “lift 60lbs” when they could just invest in some hoisting equipment!). And when you are a mother, more often than not (unless you have a really excellent agreement between you and your husband or some other family member), when your children are sick, or something happens in school, it is the woman who needs to take off. Compound that with the “frum requirements” of having yom tovim off, leaving early of Fridays, location and commute, etc.; and it turns into quite a tall order for a frum woman in the workforce.

  13. Would it smooth things out for the skeptics to explain that men as well should view their place of work as an “avocation” and their “career” a conduit to the greater Kehila by assuming the role as a father, husband, Torah-learner, shul advocate, connecting with Rabbeim and Poskim etc. (not in specific order and pardon the run-on sentence).

    The resulting parnassa from the place of work is the means for our definition of a career.

    Plus, while masculine tznius/modesty may not be as garment-related, it is no less imperative to follow, through manner of speech and overall decorum.

    This is not meant to downplay the unique challenges faced by women in their pursuit of Torah ideals or to take an ironic cue from feminist ideology and nullify the idea of separate gender roles. It’s meant to demonstrate that Judaism’s expectations vis a vis gender roles should not be denigrated as a hypocritical one-way street.

  14. Regarding women who can’t conceive or who are single. I really, really would like to see websites with information and support for these women. I am single and way past the marrying age. There are also widows whose children don’t live nearby. Shabbat in particular is a challenge. I really like the new Chabad women’s page for example, but it looks like it’s for married women in their 20s and maybe 30s, but women whose children are on their own and unmarried women are left out.

  15. Wonderful post and wonderful comments on this thread.

    One of my big problems with the secular messages young women get is that while career is emphasized, when it comes to relationships, the media is sending out all sorts of anti-feminist ideals of beauty and popularity. That’s why I consider the Torah to be feminist, or pro-woman if you prefer the term.

  16. To Rishona, LC and Ilanit:

    I never meant to imply in my post that there is any fundamental impediment or contradiction about a frum woman working, far from it! Obviously, the situation that orthodox women work is widespread. What I wanted to emphasize is the feminist *denigration* of the concept of being a homemaker/wife/mother and the glorification of pursuing a career that is sometimes subtly, sometimes blatently packaged with more palatable feminist issues such as equal pay for equal work. This propaganda is so widespread that it is hard for a person learning Torah to even consider it objectively sometimes.

    [Case in point–to this day I have completely frum women raise their eyebrows when I mention that in my seminary we had Shalom Bayis classes for which we were told to keep two notebooks: a good wife book and a good mother book. They ask: you’ve got to be kidding, that’s so silly. My response: What, don’t you want to be a good wife? Wouldn’t you want your husband to have learned how to be a good husband? After I explain myself, they all agree that it is a good idea. However, the first impulse is invariably one of ridicule.]

    It is MHO that a frum woman’s “career” should be caring for her family, and that her “avocation” might be her work. If her work gives her pleasure/stimulation/good money, all the better. It’s all in the attitude and the willingness to sacrifice the job if non-negotiable family needs arise, as opposed to sacrificing family needs because work is primary.

  17. What a relief it was for me when becoming frum to recapture my femininity! To stop having to be tougher than I wanted to be, to stop pretending that I felt comfortable to be totally in control all the time. Ah, the relief to be able to express that I wanted a strong man to lean on, to feel free to express my true innner desire to make a home.

    I once invited a radical feminist for a Shabbos meal. After the meal we went out for a walk with my husband strolling a few meters ahead of us. I will never forget the conversation:

    “How can you stand it? Just look at how oprressed you are! Your husband is walking ahead leaving you behind!”, radical feminist exclaimed in disgust.

    “Do you know what your problem is?” I quipped in retort without missing a beat, “Your problem is that you never found a man you respect enought to follow!”

    That shut her up for along while.

  18. “Fortunately they are part of a community that is very tolerant of such a situation.”

    I never considered the possibility of there being a problem with being both observant and a working woman. In fact, I know many observant women who are successful in their careers (successful by their own definition). I myself am growing in my observance and am planning a career. Yes, it may be more difficult to have a career (I am still unsure how to bring up leaving early on Fridays for Shabbat with my future bosses), but the same is true for men. I am not sure why working and being observant is even an issue. Some women work for the glory, some women work because they find it interesting (as I do). I don’t think it means that the “home life” is bad, or that a woman is less Torah-minded, just that the woman is stimulated and challenged in this way. Furthermore, if the woman feels like she is contributing to society in a meaningful way and is observant, isn’t that part of fulfilling one’s purpose on earth? Isn’t that a good thing?

  19. Has anyone here read ” A Return to Modesty” by the then Wendy Shalit? I thought that Ms. Shlait’s observations on how contemporary media and culture devalued women were on the money.

  20. The answer is not simple, but I believe it lies in women needing to learn a long time to internalize Torah hashkafa

    Eh. Maybe. I firmly believe, from my own experiences and those of BT friends, that many young women are drawn to Torah because there is something inside ‘compelling’ them, so to speak.

    For a woman who has been brain-washed that her SOLE impact on the world is as a top exec in some company, making mega-bucks, she may need lots of time learning hashkafa.

    But if she just expected to work a job to help support ‘the family’, well, some frum women work at jobs. Kollel wives support their families on a regular basis. And not all women (or men!) really want the limelight. Many women may secretly be relieved to not be expected to take center stage.

    I think this is as hard to generalize about accurately as anything else.

  21. >

    What this should have said is: They often have little if any understanding or appreciation of ultra-orthodox gender ideology, which holds that there are “essential” differences between men and women.

    My point is that this an ideology, just like any other. Whether people choose to embrace it has very little to do with its “truth.”

  22. Good post. I myself went to school and started off my career in a grossly male-dominated field; aircraft electronic systems maintenance. I had a bad experience overall and held the “good riddance” attitude to that line of work upon becoming relgious. I often wonder what it’s like for those women who become relgious who do not leave behind their “not-so-frum” careers. It’s obviously been done before; I just wonder how they do it.

    I know of a couple where the husband is much more observant than the wife. The wife is Israeli, served in the army, very outspoken about men “sharing responsiblities and not blaming women on mental transgressions resulting from a lack of tzniut”. She wears pants and only covers her hair when going to shul. Nevertheless her dedication to Judaism and teaching Torah to the children are unfaltering and amazing. He knowledge of the Chumash is very broad (she was raised in an observant home, went of the derech when she came to the US, then became relgious again after marriage). She also is an ambitious, working professional. Fortunately, they are part of a community which is very tolerant of such a situation. And I think it’s very healthy. To expect Baaley Teshuva to be just like Mr. or Mrs. Frum From Birth in every way is many times just not possible. For instance if they wish to have a few less children and/or the wife be a bit more career-minded, they should not be made to feel bad or that they are somehow “bad Jews”.

  23. Rachel

    What did you see as the goal of the women’s studies classes?

    This is from the about page at the National Women’s Studies Association http://www.nwsa.org/about.php

    “NWSA has a vision of a world in which all persons can develop to their fullest potential and be free from all the ideologies and structures that consciously and unconsciously oppress and exploit some for the advantage of others.”

    It seems from their vision that individual achievement is a primary goal and the idealogies and structures seem to be references to marriage and other traditional structures.

  24. They have been fed “women’s studies” classes whose goal is to denigrate marriage and traditional, feminine aspects of womanhood and to bolster the notion that career and individual achievement is what is important.

    With all due respect, I would like to note that this was not the goal of the women’s studies classes I pursued as an undergraduate, nor did they lead to this kind of impact.

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