Our friend Phil sent in the following question:
In my inlaws’ apartment complex, I often pass by the door of some college students. They’re Jewish, but not observant. On the door, there is a mezuzah on the left side. (If not observant, then at least they’re ‘proud’, right?) I was thinking that maybe this could be a kiruv opportunity. I’d like to secretly slide a letter under their door that informs them of the correct mezuzah placement. I suspect that I should hint that that’s not the only reason why I wrote them.
Obviously, I want to avoid any hint of judgmentalism, here’s-my-unsolicited-advice-ism, and preachiness. The letter should be very lighthearted and witty (rhyming couplets, perhaps?), or at least sensitively written, fostering good-will. I also think I should include my name, number, and email, and tell them I’m related to their neighbors, whom they know a little.
Unfortunately, I’m not the most creative of writers, and would love to see some BeyondBT readers take a stab at it. OR: If you think that the only advice taken is the advice sought, and you think I should just forget the whole thing, please say so.
Why a letter and why not knock on their door? It all comes down to my getting tongue tied in some sensitive situations.
I think Mark Frankel’s text looks great if you aren’t going to talk to them personally. What’s the worst that can happen? Instead of eating peperoni pizza are they going to eat human flesh? Instead of intermarrying once are they going to become polygamists and marry two gentiles because you made a bad impression? If it has an effect, great. If not, what do you have to lose?
Is it possible it is not intentional at all, and they just made a mistake. Like facing from the inside when affixing it or something? Maybe there is some simple reason or error, in which case I imagine they surely would want to know about it. You never know, I have been in situations like that, simple misunderstandings.
I’m still holding that we have to look for openings first. For example, a few years ago I was visiting cousins in LA, and the wife was suffering from breast cancer. They didn’t have a mezuzah at all on their front door. That presented an opportunity for me to arrange to have the local Chabad (where I was spending Shabbos) provide one. The cousins were grateful, and they acknowledged that they needed as many prayers as they could get. And today, B”H, she’s in remission. Phil, you don’t even know if the roommates are all Jewish – lots of people post a mezuzah just as a “good luck charm”, totally unaware of its religious meaning.
Surely, it’s a safe bet that a high percentage of us here were “approached” in some form or another, and that’s what eventually got us to where we are today. However, with some of us a very direct approach may not have worked. To this day, I think it was a stroke of brilliance that the very first people who ever invited me for a Shabbos dinner didn’t say “do you want to come for Shabbos”, but rather, “what are you doing for dinner Fri. night”. And as they say, the rest is history. I suppose we do form our opinions on this situtation, Phil, based on personal experiences.
I think that people are far more open to kindly put suggestions and questions than others give them credit for – particularly college students.
I think a way to solve the side and whether it’s even kosher would be to start up a conversation about where they got the mezuza. If it sounds like a good place, great – somehow steer the conversation to ‘never having seen it on the left side.’ You can always ‘call your rabbi to check’ to see what side it goes on, and they’d probably be open to switching it. If it sounds like a non-kosher mezuza, offer to get it checked for them to see if it’s kosher – make sure to put a kosher one in if it’s no good, come back, and have them help you put it up on the right side.
Make sure that your in-laws are okay with it, and if they’re willing to join in slightly, even better. In the future, if one of the students has a question, they’ll ask your in-laws, who will refer them to you. The beginning of a great relationship!
The pont is that nobody on this blog, nor Phil knows who lurks behind that door. It could be someone like Mark and Belle who would welcome a friendly letter. Then again, it could be someone more like myself and perhaps even a couple other commenters here who might be put off, or intimidated, or weirded out a little bit by a strangers “all-too-friendly” advances.
People may crave community in this day and age, but people are also very private and not so readily open to having strangers comment on their lives without thinking that there is some kind of agenda behind it all…and a religious agenda to boot.
That being said, yesterday at 11:00pm I did look at the complete stranger on line ahead of me at the supermarket paying for his two half pints of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and cherry vanilla coke and say “Dinner?” To which he chuckled, looked down at the diapers I was buying and said “Emergency?” To which I responded “Absolutely!”
He paid, and then turned to me and said “Have a good night, sir.”
What’s the point, I guess it’s that people are tricky. It’s hard to know how the’d react without knowing who they are.
If you were going to write a letter, I think Mark’s sample letter above is pretty good. That way, they can choose to take the next step or they can choose not to.
It should be b’hatzlacha!
My take on this is that people are often flattered and gratified that someone noticed and cares about them enough to bother writing such a letter. In this impersonal world people crave community. Only angry people or those who have had a negative experience with Judaism would react poorly if such a letter is politely and respectfully worded. I myself would have been very open to hearing about it. Obviously a personal touch is better, but if that isn’t likely to happen, then writing it is better than ignoring them completely.
I once heard it said that those who are successful in kiruv are not just those who are the “professionals,” but those who care the most. They care, so they will think of SOMETHING to say or do to get through. It seems that Phil does care, and he should not be discouraged from doing something here. It just should be respectful, the kind of letter he would like to receive if someone notices HIM doing something halachically wrong.
I would sign the note: “A fellow Jew who cared” with his name or something indicating that Phil is also Jewish.
Mark-I think that your second paragraph hit the nail on the head. Some people do have such an attitude. Some don’t. If the person that his or her mezuzah, kosher klaf or not, properly positioned or not , etc , then you might have to deal with the “how dare you tell me how to practice my religion, etc” type of reaction that we have discussed with respect to other issues on this blog. College students, especially, in this day and age, should be approached vis a vis kiruv with some awarenesss of this issue. It is hard to tell whether a students’ apartment with a possibly treif mezuzah is an opportunity for kiruv or one wher one’s overtures would be rejected.
Here’s a very practical end run around the issue. Phil-are your in laws ok with your observance and having a kosher mezuzah on their door? Are they friendly with the students?Have they been to their apartment for a meal or a simcha? Would they invite the students to a party or even a mezuzah installation party? That might spark their interest in a very unthreatening manner, especially if they see mezuzos posted in a proper manner.
I’m assuming he won’t run into these people given the probable amount of time he is at his in-laws and the low probability that he will run in to them when he is there.
I’m wondering what is the thought process of the offended person, “How dare Phil (whoever he is) inform me that the mezzuzah should be on the right side. What right does he have to provide me with such information. If I fix the mezzuzah, he’ll probably insist I keep the Shabbos and stuff like that.”
Mark-most people don’t have your sensitivies and sense of appreciation in this area. It just might be better off to exercise discretion, and say hello in the hallways,etc and see if that leads to some conversation down the road when they see you kiss a mezuzah, etc and then perk their interest in that manner. I would find the letter semi-proselytizing and offensive if I was the recipient.
Personally, it wouldn’t have bothered me. In fact if nobody ever approached me, I wouldn’t be observant today. But I’m not sure if our personal feelings are the key deteminants.
The question in my eyes is what are the risks vs the rewards of writing the letter. The upside is the person is a little more knowledgable in Yiddishkeit (I’m assuming the Mezzuzah is not Kosher) and might check out the Aish site.
I highly doubt that the person will be turned off to Yiddishkeit forever if a letter is written. So the downside is they are a little annoyed that somebody bothered to write such a letter.
Step back and think about how you would have felt being approached by a virtual stranger way back whenever. Personally, I would have resented it. It often comes to pass that when people see you are a frum Jew, perhaps recognizing your kippah or sheitel, for example, they tend to ask about Jewish issues. This has often happened with coworkers and non-religious family members. If such an opportunity should present itself, like an innocent conversation about Passover, then you have an opening. Otherwise, better you keep your feelings to yourself. Not too many people benefit from prostilizing.
I can hear the side of doing nothing, which if you don’t leave a letter is what will probably happen. That’s certainly the safe, no risk approach.
And if they didn’t have a mezzuzah, or had it on the right side, most of us would not approach these people, besides an occasional smile or “How Ya Doin”.
But the reason you are asking, seems because you sense an opportunity because of the mezzuzah on the wrong side. Perhaps this is an opportunity to strengthen their connection to Yiddishkeit.
Here’s a possible letter if you decide to seize the opportunity:
Hey Guys:
I see you have a Mezzuzah on your door, proclaiming your Jewishness to the world. That’s a very commendable act in this day and age. I think most people put it on the right side of the door and I thought that you might want to know that.
If your interested there is a decent article about mezzuzahs here:
http://www.aish.com/literacy/mitzvahs/Mezuzah_The_Inside_Story.asp
Be Well
Phil
phil@gmail.com
Leave your email address, because your best case scenario is that they will contact you and you can start a friendly dialogue.
StepIma is probably right that the klaf also isn’t kosher. I’d vote that when you do run into them, you act friendly and kind. Maybe they will ask you questions, maybe not. If they do, at least you will starting off on good ground.
And by the way – at the risk of making your head explode a little bit extra…
If they’re putting the mezuzah up on the wrong side, it’s also entirely possible that they’re putting it up the way it came straight from the store, and the klaf (scroll) isn’t kosher anyway
:)
I think the fact that you’re hesitant to talk to them is a pretty good indication of why it’s a bad idea to do it any other way BUT to talk to them — you say you’re afraid of it coming across the wrong way, so you want to be able to minimize contact.
And the reasons I think you need to talk to them if you want to pursue this, are best explained in the problems you’re having in writing a note. When you say you want: “to avoid any hint of judgmentalism, here’s-my-unsolicited-advice-ism, and preachiness,” you’re setting yourself up for failure right out of the gate. I’m not sure how you can say “you’re putting your mezuzah on the wrong side” without it automatically being “here’s my unsolicited advice-ism.” It is your unsolicited advice. Literally. So that’s off the list from the beginning. And since you’re giving that advice about religion — and telling them which side a mezuzah goes on, when they’ve already taken the step of putting one up — is preachy. How are you going to convey right-side-versus-left without in some way referring to sources (if not quoting them)? How is that not going to be considered preaching (especially if no one’s ever brought up nitty gritty like that with them before on any other subject)? And while I believe you’re not being judgmental of them, if you aren’t willing to speak to them about it, it’s hard to convey that to someone who doesn’t even know who you are. I get upset when someone I don’t know puts a lawn-service leaflet under my door, and especially the ones that are hand-written from strangers driving through the neighborhood – and I have a feeling they won’t be happy with your note no matter how nicely or amusingly it’s worded.
If you can’t find a reason to have a casual conversation with them about other things, I hate to say it, but you need to butt out. I think you would do far more damage turning them off to Judaism at all by seeming pushy, than you would ever make them suddenly out of the blue take a hammer or screwdriver, take down their mezuzah, and put it back up on the other side. It’s not like asking them to turn their welcome mat over. It could be just as likely that they’d take it down and not put it back up at all. And badmouth you or “those crazy religious jews who are always into other people’s business” to others. And associate you with the other door-to-door religious groups like the Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Meanwhile, why not look into the easiest answer of all. How do your in-laws feel about this? Since they live in the same apartment complex, and your in-laws know them (however little) — are they in favor of your kiruv idea, or are you stepping on their toes? They have to live with the results of your actions, and if it doesn’t go well, it might even have repercussions for them. And on the other hand, if they’re in favor, they’d be far better candidates to talk to the students about the mezuzah issue than you would be.
If I’m reading Phil’s question correctly, this is occuring in his inlaw’s apartment complex, which means the chance that he will run into these people is very small.
So should he:
1) Knock on the door and try to develop a relationship with strangers.
2) Leave the letter as he originally suggested.
3) Do nothing.
4) Hope that he will run in to them and be able to strike up a conversation which will be followed some day with another conversation. The likelyhood of this is small, so this is effectively doing nothing.
So it seems to me the letter approach might make sense if it could be worded sensitively and I think that is what he is looking for here.
I think that a personal touch will impress anyone a lot more than a letter or poem. Obviously, the position or kashrus of the mezuzah should not be the item of your conversation.
I would disagree with any attempt to address the issue of the mezuzzah. Right now they are doing what they think is right and if you question their authenticy they might take it as an affront.
What I would focus on is somehow developing a relationship with them as people. Say hi. Find out who they are and what they’re like. Get to know them and befriend them. Deal with them with absolutely no adgenda to influence them or change them in any way. Your only adgenda should be not to have any personal agenda whatsoever except to make a friend.
Then, after there is a relationship of mutual trust, subjects such as religion can be breached. Maybe invite them over for a Shabbos meal. But before then, any advice or comments regarding religious observance may be interpreted as an agenda to change them, and rejected.
I agree with what was written above. Even if a letter would have the desired affect and they would switch the mezuzah to the other side, that’s not what youmeant by successful kiruv, is it? You’d still need to knock on the door and talk to them!
Perhaps if having something written is what you’re looking for, knock on the door armed with a short essay on the meaning of mezuzah.
Or have your favorite mail order house send them a paperback book about mezuzot.
Bump into them. Human contact is best. Letter writing to someone you’ve never met may bring out all the feeling your want to avoid.
Start a conversation and show your human side. And, kindly ask why their mezuzah is on the left side, since you’ve never seen one on the left side.
Chances are they won’t take that the wrong way and may even follow up by askin if the left side, is perchance, the wrong side.
I’d stay away from witty poems and letters. Despite the fact that the Jewish papers seems to constantly feature rhyming letters, this isn’t a preferred method of communication in the secular world and can be considered a bit infantile.
Do you ever see or bump into these people? If you or your in-laws have any interaction with them, it makes sense to either try to “bump into them again” or approach them nicely. This is assuming you’ve at least met them, smiled at them, or something already. Otherwise, maybe your in-laws could be the openers of conversation when they see them, mentioning something about you and your desire to meet them, something like that. Take some interest in something in their lifestyle, college, etc.