A blast from the past. Originally posted January 24, 2006
The most empowering moment of my life was when I learned that the torah was written by G-d. Immediately, I understood that my actions affected the entire universe. If I did a mitzvah I brought the world that much closer to the coming of Moshiach, and conversely, if I did an aveira, chas v’shalom, I delayed his arrival even longer. There was so much to learn so I left my life behind to go to yeshiva and tried to make up for all of the lost time.
Today B”H I am married to a wonderful woman and I am blessed with two beautiful children. I wear a yarmulke, tzitzis, a black hat, and payos. I say modeh ani when I wake up in the morning, wash nitilas yedaim, make brochas, daven three times a day, keep kosher and the laws of taharas mishpacha. I keep Shabbos and I am kovaya itim. I’ve even been zocheh to make a number of siyumim. However, for all of my changes and accomplishments, I am not so sure I am a better person.
As much as I try to improve, I still have many of the same bad middos I possessed before becoming frum and I still allow my yetzer hara shlita over me during moments of weakness. I am neither as kind nor as patient nor as charitable or magnanimous as I’d like to be, and I could certainly improve in many other areas.
As much as I have integrated the Torah into my life, I am still far from the level I would like to be. I still view my life as lacking in many ways both spiritual and physical. I know this is not torah thinking and I know intellectually that Hashem gives me everything I need.
When I first started learning and becoming frum it seemed so clear to me that my every action made ripples and was affecting the universe. Now that I am so much more entrenched in the everyday of life (family, work, learning, health, growth, etc) and don’t have the leisure to sit and learn in yeshiva all day, my actions don’t seem as potent as they once did. I wonder if I wasn’t better off back when I felt so clearly that I held the keys to the coming of moshiach in my hands.