When it comes to the Yom Kippur fast, I have experienced three basic emotions throughout my 48 years). The first was apathy. In our home growing up, we went to synagogue two days a year, Yom Kippur being one of them. And then we came home and had lunch. I didn’t fast for the first time until my mid-thirties. For all of my upbringing and my twenties, I felt no guilt, no ambivalence, really, nothing about it. Fasting on Yom Kippur was for other people, and had no relevance for me. I can’t even say that I felt regret about not fasting. That would have been like asking me if I regretted not ever going para sailing. Nope. It just wasn’t part of my reality, and I didn’t think it should have been, and I felt just fine about missing it.
The next phase of my Yom Kippur fasting we can label “ defiance.†In my thirties, as I began this long process of discovering Judaism, I started looking at the fast differently. Now, I could no longer ignore it. It seemed to have great meaning for so many Jews, and I had begun practicing many other rituals. I now believed that there was a G-d who cared about me, and for whom these practices mattered. I label this phase of the fast – which took about seven years – defiance, because I convinced myself ( with the help of other equally defiant peers), that a G-d who really loved me and wanted my teshuva cared much more about my drawing close to Him, than He cared about me fasting.
I really thought: “If fasting makes me ill, so that I can not pray, certainly G-d doesn’t want that, and if I have to choose between fasting and so-so praying, or fervent praying with a full belly, it is so clear to me that G-d would chose the latter.â€
I was so sure of that belief, I was defiant about it ( read – feeling guilty, rationalizing, not ready to face the possibility that the Torah was written by G-d, and that fasting on Yom Kippur was part of the program, lightheadedness or not). In fact, when I attempted fasting for a few years, and gave it up part of the way through the fast because I felt so sick, I was furious about it. I was angry at a religion that would do something as ridiculous (I thought) as expect someone to simultaneously reach emotional depth and soul healing while trying not to faint. I was angry with the Jewish community for making the fast such a big deal. (I had a rebbetzin once tell me that I should be fasting, no matter what, as long as I didn’t need an ambulance to cart me off to the hospital, and that didn’t go over well with me at the time). I was angry with myself for not being able to fast when so much of the Jewish community seemed to do it, young, old, or pregnant. Instead of apathy, I felt shame, and to cover up the shame, I got angry.
And then my children entered day school, and we started growing spiritually as a family, and they came home from school with the knowledge that Mommies and Daddies fast on Yom Kippur. For a few years I snuck food when they weren’t looking, but like so many of the rituals I now keep, I finally “got with the program†so that I could be a good role model for my children, and not create mixed messages about Yom Kippur fasting in the house.
This is when I eventually moved into the emotion I still hold on to today which I’d call “surrenderâ€. I still don’t “get it, why Hashem designed the system the way He did, but I’ve come to accept that this is what it is, and as a Jew, I am commanded to do it. I still feel lousy on fast days, and yes, I’ve tried all the tricks for making it easier and some have worked somewhat, but bottom line, it’s just a day I try to survive, and I count the minutes till the fast is done.
Which brings me to a confession. My davening stinks on Yom Kippur. I am not yet spiritually elevated enough to get past all of my physical symptoms, and to, as they suggest, “ feel like an angel.†I understand the importance of davening on this day, and what is at stake. Each year I try to do better. But I am being honest with you – at best, I might reach a C minus when it comes to davening on Yom Kippur, and more realistically, I probably hover closer to a D.
Call this a rationalization, or perhaps this is a good example of Hashem accepting a BT where we are, as long as we keep striving for better. For me, the Yom Kippur fast is my prayer. I offer it up to Hashem as my sacrifice. I ask Hashem to accept my fast, and the miracle that in my life, surrounded by family who think fasting is stupid, it’s an accomplishment in and of itself. As the afternoon and early evening tests my physical and spiritual and emotional strength, I speak to Hashem, not from a prayer book, but from my heart. And I ask Him to forgive me for my sins of the year, and for not davening properly. I ask Him to take my fast as a symbol of my obedience to him and His Torah, because surely, if He didn’t say do it, I never would.
I learned once that it isn’t proper to wish you an easy fast. I should instead wish for you a meaningful fast.
From one faster to another, I hope that your day is meaningful, and your fast is easy!
First Published on October 8, 2007
Azriela, awesome post, again. Gosh, can I relate to the defiant stage, which I found myself reflecting back on yesterday (YK) as I tried to focus in. In fact, staying focused is a much bigger issue to me then the fast. Actually, from a purely physical point of view, I also find Yom Kippur to be the easist fast because I’m very “distracted” the entire day. And when we all finally arrived home, I wasn’t even very hungry, just thirsty. The worst fast days are those when I have to go to work because I can’t have my morning coffee (OK, I’m somewhat of a caffeine addict), and people are eating all around me, albeit treif, but normally I’d have my lunch and snacks with me too.
It’s also a great blessing when one’s children are all fasting as well, so you don’t have to fix food for little people while you’re starving!
“As the afternoon and early evening tests my physical and spiritual and emotional strength, I speak to Hashem, not from a prayer book, but from my heart. And I ask Him to forgive me for my sins of the year, and for not davening properly. I ask Him to take my fast as a symbol of my obedience to him and His Torah, because surely, if He didn’t say do it, I never would.”
Thank you for this post. I hope I remember your tefilla if I dont fast well in future.
I had forgotten about this fine post. I intend to put it in our beit midrash. I hope it will spark some thought and discussion.
The Yesod V’Shoresh Ha’Avodah points out that the five abstentions on Yom Kippur are special mitzvos since they are both mitzvos asei (positive mitzvos) – as the torah commands us to afflict ourselves on Yom Kippur and mitzvos lo sa’aseh (prohibitory mitzvos)- as the torah provides an additional punishment for someone who does not inflict himself. He further states “at the very moment that a person feels the pain of his affliction he should direct his thoughts with supreme joy and think ‘I hereby accept upon myself the positive commandment of my Creator, may He be blessed and may His Name be blessed, through this affliction’.”
Hopefully Harvard will be the same.)
While I can’t speak about Harvard Hillel (or Chabad) directly, there is a fair bit of crossover between the Cambridge and Boston communities. If you’re ever looking for a Shabbos or yomtov meal, we’ll be local (Brighton).
Mark,
Thanx for comment #2 and the focused spiritual systems analyst like,life objective fine tuning.
I’m gonna laminate that comment and push pin to my cubicle wall for future reference.In case I forget stuff after yom Kippur.
I have heard that this amount is not fixed at one ounce but actually varies with the person. Anyone in this situation should consult with their Rav.
Rachel
Also- you know that you can have up to 1 oz. of water every 10 minutes and still be considered fasting, right? Those few sips of water can make a huge difference.
That is incorrect. If a person must eat or drink for health (or other) reasons, he should eat and drink in less than 1 ounce increments every 10 minutes, so that they are not over a koreis (Divine Capital Punishment) level prohibition.
But the Shulchan Aruch states clearly in Section 612 Number 5:
The requirement of a minimum amount relates to culpability for koreis or to bring a sin-offering, but the transgression of a prohibition is involved however little one eats.
Wow. I must be in a tiny minority, because I love Yom Kippur. It’s my favorite holiday. And it’s the only fast that I can get through without too much pain. (I can’t do the minor fast days because I take medication that hurts my stomach if taken without food. But for YK I take my medicine beforehand, and I’m fine for the holiday.) But then again, I’m a nuisach nerd. I love the singing in YK services (when they’re done well, which they always are at Penn. Hopefully Harvard will be the same.)
Also- you know that you can have up to 1 oz. of water every 10 minutes and still be considered fasting, right? Those few sips of water can make a huge difference. ***** PLEASE SEE FOLLOWING COMMENT FOR CLARIFICATION OF THIS HALACHAH ***** – Administrator
Just when you think you can go home to eat, someone yells “Kiddush Levanah!” And by then the moon really does hit your eye like a big pizza pie. :)
I have always fasted on Yom Kippur, no matter how Frum I was (or was not). But, I think it’s natural (at least for me) to feel really “into it” @ the beginning….but during the middle of the day, you hit a “wall” (just ask marathoners, and they will tell you what that is), and you feel drained, and tired….then, after a short nap @ recess (I find resting w/your head up works best, otherwise you might get a major headache), I know I feel still tired….but, towards the end of the fast, you just say “that’s it….you’ve made it this far, you can do it”, you just feel the emotion take over.. and you are into it like you have never been into it @ the end…when you shout the Shema and the other closing chants…so, by the time the Shofar blows you truly feel like you have a second wind…
that is my take…it is difficult to feel spiritual in the middle…so just do the best you can…Hashem understands….
Marty
Azriella: thanks for the thoughtful post. It reminds me that fasts seem harder PHYSICALLY as I get older (your point about getting past all the physical symptoms), and I wonder about the connection to taking good care of our bodies all year–v’nishmartem me’od nafshechem…I keep wondering if the obstruction to spiritual elevation by the physical discomfort is a sign that I haven’t been keeping that mitzva properly.
Call this a rationalization, or perhaps this is a good example of Hashem accepting a BT where we are, as long as we keep striving for better. For me, the Yom Kippur fast is my prayer. I offer it up to Hashem as my sacrifice.
Properly so: The halacha is that if you can’t both daven and complete the fast, you complete the fast.
Many types of sins can result from the same misdirected character trait, so one objective is to try to survey one’s sins to identify the underlying traits that need work.
Yom Kippur is about G-d and so is life, but our task is to figure out how to get ourselves in line with the program. And for that we have to look closely at and understand ourselves.
What are strengths and spiritual goals for the future (mostly a Rosh Hoshana task).
And on Yom Kippur a look out our weaknesses (physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual) and the steps we plan to take to eradicate them or appropriately deal with them in our service to G-d.
Yom Kippur is about recognizing the eternal, never-ending, very real and very significant struggle between our sense of self and our sense of G-d and how to blend those into the one reality of our roles and obligations in G-d’s world.
We are important and G-d wants us to strive for greatness. Yom Kippur is about reducing the barriers to that greatness.
Bravo – you have reached the correct point that we all should be at, no matter how the fast affects us physically.
Surrender.
Yes, that’s right – the month and a half program of Elul-Tishrei is supposed to lead us all to a realization that G-d is in control. And that things – including observance of mitzvot – don’t depend on us “getting it”.
For most of us moderns, this is where teshuva goes from “choosing a more fulfilling lifestyle option” without upsetting the firm, Western belief in oneself as the arbiter of truth/relevance – to something that challenges the Western notions of self we grew up with. Something that points towards transcendence, and gives words like love, covenant, and community completely different meaning than the surrounding culture.
I have no problem fasting, thank G-d – so I stand through most of the davening to satisfy those opinions (and prayers) that talk about the sacrificial aspect of the fast. But you know what – it’s STILL not about me, not about “making something happen in heaven” with my prayers or actions. Maybe it’s about making something happen in myself – but that process has been going on for the past month, and all year on a lower gear.
Yom Kippur is about G-d being more important.
Abpout how much we want Him in our lives.
About what fools we were to think other things important… including our own intellects!
About how shaky even our firmest promise to G-d really is… and how merciful He is despite that.
G’mar Chatima Tovah!