How would you handle or react to your Rabbi who is often rude and has weak people interacting skills. He suggested that I need to give more to charity (the shul) after he asked you how much my wife and I make together and I told him we are giving what we can. When I ask a question, he always has an attitude when answering.
I am not the only one who has witnessed this and who feels this way. I am told that this is how it is and I should just overlook it.
I want to continue to go to shul but he is rude and his shuirs are dry, but the members there are very friendly and warm.
This is the only orthodox Rabbi in the area.
I know what I should do and confront him of this, but it is nice to hear from an outside source. I am sure you have heard or seen this before.
Thanks in Advance,
Jeff
I think also that there are some Rabbis who make brilliant public speakers, exacting Gemara rebbes, scrupulous Kashrus supervisors, meticulous Shochetim, dedicated mohelim, superb yeshiva principals, insightful story tellers, successful fundraisers, driven community leaders, and….terrible spiritual guides, uninspiring Kiruv workers, miserable life counselors and lousy comforters of the bereaved. The same rabbi who is hired on the basis of his wonderful speeches about the Parshah might wind up antagonizing those who call him for advice on chinuch ha-bonim. Rabbis have to wear a lot of hats nowadays, to be social workers as well as psychologists and gurus, all for a salary less than the big city sanitation workers make.
It sounds like you are looking for a spiritual role model. This Rabbi is not that for you, so seek elsewhere in the community, maybe a mentor or chevrusa. In the meantime, if he has any Torah information that you can gain from, get the benefit of that.
At one point Community XYZ had friendly warm members, but the Rabbonim of its two Orthodox shuls were sadly deficient in their people skills.
How did members of the XYZ community deal with this? Well, for years they simply used the telephone: they called up other rabbis to pasken shailos, obtain wise counsel and for comforting words when needed. The rabbis were just “speech zuggers” giving brilliant discourses on the parshah every week. Eventually the two rabbonim were replaced by others with better people skills.
Jeff could follow the lead of the XYZers and simply tell himself, “Well, Rabbi Plony is not really my own Rav,” and then find himself a different, kindlier Rav available by telephone for all of his personal and spiritual needs.
In an interview with Mishpacha, R Asher Weiss emphasized that someone who is contemplating a career in Rabbanus or Chinuch must have a genuine love of people and willingness to listen to their problems. I think that you and other people with similar complaints should voice the same with the shul board.
Unfortunately the simple reality is that there are plenty of rabbis who should not have gone in to the field. Of course it can be a difficult and stressful job but having an abrasive personality does not help. The best advice is to find another shul because why subject yourself to negative people if you can avoid it. However you state that the one you go to is the only game in town. What area do you live in because trust me walking may be an option.
I think an anonymous, polite note might be a good idea. Maybe send it with Rabbi Wein’s book on being a shul Rabbi (Tending the Vineyard ?? Not sure if that’s the right name).
As to Mark’s point that:
“He is dedicated to a Shul in a place where there are not that many Orthodox Jews from how you describe it. This shows a degree of Mesiras Nefesh (dedication) that is not usually found.”
I’m not so sure that the the former necessarily leads to the latter. Often, Rabbonim with less than stellar people skills end up in out of town shuls because there is too much competition for the “in-town” jobs. Certainly, this is not always the case and, certainly, there are plenty of high caliber Rabbonim who go out of town and exhibit tremendous mesiras nefesh. I just don’t think that that is always the case.
Speak to the Board of Directors about these concerns. They need feedback from members and they need to be able to provide feedback to the Rabbi. If there are numerous people experiencing negative interactions, there needs to be an intervention.
Have him contacted by a big city Rabbi, preferably one he knows and respects. Maybe the Rabbi who gave him smichah or his former Rosh HaYeshivah.
Maybe write him an anonymous note.
I could probably get smichah if I really tried, but I am afraid to become a Rabbi because my people skills are not nearly good enough, and I fear this would result in a chillul H’.
As well, we ought to judge Jeff l’chaf zechus. I don’t think he would air his concerns about this here if he had not analyzed the situation thoroughly over time and found no solution.
Judge him l’chaf zechus. Maybe the rabbi has things going on in his life that you’re not aware of. For instance, he could be grappling with an ill elderly parent, or office politics at his “day job,” or even chinuch problems with his own children. Certainly he should be nicer, but maybe we all should be nicer. Maybe you’re simply expecting too much from your rabbi: you want him to be a malach or a tzaddik gmur and he’s only an ordinary human being with bills and headaches like the rest of us.
Do others feel the way you do? It’s possible this is more of a personality conflict than a failing of the rabbi. Also, is he relatively new, or is he experienced? Many rabbis grow on the job, and it’s not fair to expect perfect pastoral skills from a relatively young rabbi. What I’m saying doesn’t solve your problem, but it helps to take a step back from a situation. It might make you more understanding, and in turn, your relationship with your rabbi might start to improve.
I think you need to start off by looking at the Rabbi’s strengths.
He is dedicated to a Shul in a place where there are not that many Orthodox Jews from how you describe it. This shows a degree of Mesiras Nefesh (dedication) that is not usually found.
I would also assume that he is not rolling in the dough, so his financial sacrifices are also to be admired.
Thirdly, being a Rabbi is an extremely difficult job. They have to deal with the issues of many different people and they are constantly coming under attack. They are also charged with trying to raise and/or maintain the spiritual level of an entire congregation.
Once you can come to appreciate the Rabbi, and it will take time because we generally have a tendency to focus on the negative, you can start thinking about phase II, which consists of constructive criticism with the goal of correction.
Criticism is extremely difficult, but the number one rule to remember is the goal is to correct the behavior. If your words are not geared towards that goal, then you can cross the line to committing the aveira of Onoas Devorim.
Even with the right perspective you have to focus on what behavior you could possibly change and how to go about it. For example on the financial issue, you can express that you consider your family finances private and are uncomfortable with the Rabbi probing into them and would it be possible for him to respect your privacy in that matter.
Everything needs thought and the ability to try to predict what the results of your words will be. You will hopefully find that in this thoughtful process, you yourself will become an even better Jew as a result.
Does the shul have a Board of Directors? Assuming they see what you do, they could tactfully let the rabbi know that the membership is put off by certain behaviors. If there is no board and he basically owns and runs the shul, you have little leverage.