Overcoming the Fear of Being Insignificant

By Rucheli Manville

Shalom to everyone here at BeyondBT, my name is Rucheli. I’m a recent graduate of the University of Central Florida and I’m now spending the year at the Mayanot Seminary in Yerushalayim. Over the course of my time here, I hope to share some of the insights gained while at a school specifically designed for Baalet Teshuva, such as this one. Please leave your feedback and responses so that we can all learn and grow together!

The Mayanot girls were lucky enough on Sept. 28th to have Rabbi Shmuley Boteach join us for breakfast and Chassidus in the sukkah. Rabbi Boteach said a “quick 30 second thought” for about 30 minutes having to do with the root of all fears… the fear of being insignificant. It really hit home for a lot of us. His premise is that every true fear (not talking about phobias of spiders, etc.) that we have in life has to do with the fear of being insignificant. The fear of death, the fear of being alone, the fear of being poor; all of them stem from the insecurity generated by the fear of being insignificant.

The result of this fear is that we spend our entire lives trying to do something to prove our significance to the world. We work hard for good grades so that we can get into the best college to get the best degree to make the most money so that we can “be someone” in the financial world. We sacrifice our family lives in order to work extra hours for that promotion so that we can “be someone” in the company. We give up our own needs and wants to fulfill the needs and wants of others so that we can “be someone” that the people around us want us to be. We spend so much time doing things that we never actually get to just BE ourselves.

Something incredible happened when Rabbi Boteach was telling us all of this… a revelation of sorts about why I’m here. I worked in high school to get good grades and good SAT scores so that I could get a scholarship to go to college. I went to college on scholarship and worked hard to get good internships. I held leadership positions in countless extracurricular activities to boost my resume. I worked my butt off to get a great job when I graduated so that I could do something with my life.

The time came to graduate, and the job offer that I worked so hard to get came my way. And I turned it down.

People called me crazy. My family worried that I did so much to get to where I was and then I just let the offer sit there; they worried I would never use my degree. My friends couldn’t believe that I was turning down the kind of opportunity that we had all set our eyes on for the last five years of our lives… longer, 18 years of education! But I said “no thanks, I’m going to Israel.”

Maybe I’m crazy.

Or maybe I’m tired of doing, doing, doing.

So I bought a one way ticket to the other side of the world, to a place where I don’t have to DO anything. Here, I can just BE. I can be myself, I can return to my essential soul, to my natural state of existence. Yes, I’m still learning. Yes, I’m still “doing” things. But the reasons for my actions have changed entirely, because for once I’m not trying to do something in order to do something else in order to get something that society sees as a quintessential part of being significant. Instead, I just get to live.

I think that for the first time, I’ve finally realized what it means to be free.

Next time you’re busy doing, take a moment to think about what you need in order to just be who you really are. And if you’ve had that moment where you realize you are truly free to live your life, please share!

Originally posted here.

21 comments on “Overcoming the Fear of Being Insignificant

  1. To Susan #17: My father OBM used to say the same as your Bubbe,”Shver su zein a Yid.” I replied to my father, “No, Daddy. Shayna (beautiful) su zein a Yid.” It may not have been grammatically correct Yiddish but you get the point.

    R’ Moshe Feinstein ztzl made a similar point, that the previous generation went around saying things like, “It’s so tough to be a Jew and keep Shabbos,” and “Shabbos is better than mansions and Cadillacs,” so much that it created a negative impression on the next generation, which decided it would rather have the mansions and Cadillacs than keeping Shabbos, if being a Jew and keeping Shabbos was so difficult.

  2. Susan #13 bemoans the lack of ehrlichkeit that was found in Jews like her Bubby and Zayde and is nowhere around anymore. I remember that the old-time East Flatbush Jews were like that. They were straightforward people whose motto was, “I mean what I say and I say what I mean.” East Flatbush Jews bragged about how much money they saved, not about how much money they spent. They were plain, good, kindly people who defined their lives by working hard and doing everything in moderation. You don’t see East
    Flatbush Jews anymore; my husband (may he live to 120 and beyond) is one.

  3. Re: Bob’s (# 18) and Susan’s (#12)comments on occupational diversity within sectors of the Orthodox community.

    In Brooklyn, my family and I are treated by Jewish doctors who range from the completely secular to the ultra-Orthodox.

    I can say the same about the attorneys, home improvement contractors, auto mechanics and many other professionals that we deal with.

    If a modern orthodox internist becomes ultra-orthodox, he would be no less of a doctor, and if an ultra-orthodox electrician goes to college and law school, he would be no less observant.

    I think that occupational diversity within religious sectors enables each person to achieve his spiritual and professional goals, and to change his “orientation” in one without having to sacrifice the other.

    Many baalei teshuvah became observant after establishing secular careers, and did not leave those careers after their religious transition.

  4. Why should all sectors of the religious Jewish community produce the same mix of professions, etc?

    That they complement (not necessarily compliment, as yet!) one another could be a good thing for the klal as a whole.

    Why begrudge one sector its career choices? These may be necessary choices for the klal even if they are not your cup of tea.

  5. Dear Dina,
    Your article is well written, and it makes a good point. A Jewish life well lived is meant to be a spiritual journey. The rat race isn’t all that it is cracked up to be.
    Evidently, we were speaking about 2 very different things. In the Non-Frum Jewish world, we worry about getting perfect scores on our S.A.T.s, but in the B.T. and F.F.B. worlds that I’m being so critical of, we act as if we are in l’havdil, Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. To quote Bubbe, with all the mishugas that goes on and all the people who are all too willing to ignore it and yell HURRAY FOR FRUMKEIT! “Shver su zein a yid.” I should have used my brains and not bothered writing in the first place. Never again!

  6. I wish that I knew the history of Hareidi Das Torah. If I did, it would put me in a better position to ask you to continue to ask shailas while at the same time questioning the Rabbis who answer them. Das Torah as practiced by the Hareidim has given the Hareidi Rabbanim hegemony over everything, and we are the only ones that can challenge their power. I am not alone in saying what I’m saying. I simply have no affiliation with any “Dati” party what so ever. I am Jewish first and foremost, and I am shomeret mitzvot and nothing more. Thanks again for letting me get on my soap box. I was sure that the readers of this column would be throwing tomatoes at me by now.

  7. Thanks for writing, Dina. I will, I.Y.H. check out your article. Rabbi Nataf wrote a piece for this column that makes many of the points I do. He indicates that it might have been helpful if we B.T.s weren’t put in moral straight jackets when we tried to enter into the frum community.

    The knowledge of the Spanish Conversos who went back to Judaism full force once they got to Turkey and Greece enhanced the Jewish Culture of the Ottoman Empire. It is certainly something to think about.

    Rabbi Nataf and Rabbi Cordozo raise more interesting points on their website, as does Rabbi Angel. For the intellectually curious among us, their columns might be worth seeing.

  8. I wrote a very similar piece for Aish.com some time ago entitled “Being Vs Doing.” It seems we had a very similar experience. Look it up!!

  9. Please forgive me for rambling on and on. I’d just like to add that when we remain silent on the issues of the day it implies that we agree with all that goes on in our communities. If we don’t discuss issues such as child abuse with eachother, or we fail to bring these issues up with our gedolim, we allow fear to rule the day, and we teach our children the meaning of hypocricy in the process. Excuse me for being so harsh today. The Judaism that my European born Bubbe and Zayde taught me can’t be found anymore, and I bemoan this lack of erlichkeit because I’d like my commitment to be more intense.

  10. In all honesty, nothing that I wrote related to the gashmiut/ruchaniut issue that Rabbi Boteach addressed. I felt as though I needed a podium to stand on so that I could make the following points:
    1)The more a community insists on conformity, the less a member of that community can emerge individual. (Why can’t we see ourselves as parts of a mosaic?)
    2)As a rule, we B.T.s and F.F.B.s sweep our problems under the rug. Thus, people with special needs often tend to get ignored. How often are issues such as divorce, developmental delays, agunah issues, post partum depression and mental illness discussed in the open?
    3)Our fear of the secular world has caused us to move so far to the right that we are not preparing our youth for the high tech world in which they are living. We are not making our own
    technical schools where we can train car mechanics in the p.m. and teach them Torah in the a.m. With the exception of Landers, Y.U., Bar Ilan and Touro, there are no all frum colleges.
    4)We have done nothing to create Hareidi institutions that can prepare students to become actuaries or accountants or mathematicians.
    5) We are extremely short sighted. We will need frum Psychiatrists, Physicians, etc. and when we do, they will not come from the ranks of the Hareidim. They will come from the ranks of the graduates of Y.U. or (Wake up and smell the coffee) GOYIM.
    In short, we are living like storks with our heads burried in the ground, and waiting for Moshiach will not resolve the aforementioned problems.
    6) Maimonides admonishes us to be moderate in all things. It is my understanding that our youth have “gone off of the derech” because everything is not only too extreme but too one size fits all.
    7)Halacha is a derech ha chayim. We do the best we can. The Torah wasn’t given to malachim. Relax and enjoy your Yiddiskeit for a change. Learn from our Sephardi breatheren.

  11. Susan, I think I might be missing your point here. What specifically are you objecting to?

  12. If an ice cream parlor were run like the B.T. and F.F.B. communities, the only flavors that would be served would be Vanilla Cholov Yisroel
    and immitation vanilla soy ice cream.

    Once upon a time, there were 12 shevatim. Hello out there, is anyone listening? Does anyone care? If so, take a big gamble, color within the halachic (sensible please, try Maimonides)guidelines, and for everyone’s good, be yourselves.

  13. I have O.C.D. Until recently, I haven’t discussed it. I thought that it was a “shandeh” for the family. I asked myself what the neighbors would think if they knew that I wasn’t perfect. Interestingly enough, when I finally started talking about my O.C.D., nobody mistreated me or shunned me. I kept a lot of unnecessary shame inside of me for no reason. It’s ok to be different. Ha Shem didn’t make us clones. Our fear of difference and assimilation lead us to do it.

  14. I think that the post in question simply pointed out the well known fact that one sees the world that we inhabit from a very different and vastly better perspective after spending time in a yeshiva or seminary.

  15. Rabbi Boteach was concentrating on the fact that much of our world is sadly revolving around our “need” to be significant in the realm of gashmius. The shiur wasn’t geared towards an audience of those well-versed in Mishna, but more towards those taking a Jewish study break from their normal lives (college, work, etc.) and from a world that is obviously very physically inclined.

    Those present at the shiur really connected to it well because most of us are still in the very beginning of our journeys… and therefore struggling to figure out that the gashmius is NOT what matters in our lives. Rabbi Boteach was able to present in a very real way the fact that what may be important to our parents and friends does not need to be what rules our lives.

  16. Who am I to comment on Rucheli’s perceptions? I was just looking at the broader issue analytically.

  17. I liked the post, but I’m not sure I totally understand Rabbi Boteach’s main point.

    It’s an accepted tenant of Judaism that Hashem created us with the ability to create our own spiritual reality in this world and the next.

    Being able to create this spiritual reality makes us significant as humans as opposed to animals who don’t have this ability.

    Being fearful of not defining our spiritual significance would seem to be an appropriate fear.

    However I would agree with Rabbi Boteach that being fearful as insignificant in the realms of honor and materialism would be inappropriate as the Mishna in Avos clearly tells that Desire, Jealousy and the Quest for Honor takes us out of this world.

    So, was Rabbi Boteach just rephrasing the Mishna or was he making others point that I am missing?

  18. Reasonable, Bob… however, that was not the point of the shiur or of the blog.

    What Rucheli so eloquently was pointing out, she realized that her drive for these certain things was not out of survival but rather based out of a fear of insignificance.

    You can disagree and state that it is not for you but we can’t negate her revelation.

  19. I’m not looking at the basis of our fears; I’m looking as the basis of our actions, which result from basic needs as well as psychological factors.

  20. Sure, Bob, we have our basic needs but our actual fears… like fear of death or not getting married, etc… that stems from wanting to be significant.

    You are confusing fears and wants.

  21. Along with the drive to be significant, we also have the basic drive to feed/clothe/house ourselves and our families. Much of the activity described above is for this latter purpose and not for self-actualization as such.

Comments are closed.