By Jonathan
I first went to Yeshiva when I was in my mid-20’s after graduating college. My oldest brother’s wife is an unabashed Catholic. When he made what they call a bar-mitzvah, the pressure from my parents, who were alive at the time, was very great. My Rebbe called a well known Rov who was known for understanding baalei teshuva but also towed a hard line, justifiably so, in these areas. I remember sitting in the office as my Rebbe spoke to the Rov z’l in Yiddish. Since I understand Yiddish pretty well, I knew my Rebbe was giving this every sympathetic touch that he could. I knew he was advocating for me.
My Rebbe said to the Rov, “Would the Rov speak to the bochur and tell him?”
I still remember the tone he used in these few words, “I am mispallel for your mesiras nefesh not to GO!”
I did go. Of course, I knew not to, nor did I want to “daven”with them in their services. So I showed up at strategic points that would be more family oriented. Came to the Friday night dinner, walked over after shul Shabbos morning etc.
When another family “simcha” came up a couple of years later, a relative said to me, “We haven’t seen you in so long.”
I responded, “Don’t you remember I was at ______ bar-mitzvah?”
“Oh, you were there?”
I have always recalled this story with charata that I did not listen and I made a point of telling myself that when the situation would come up again, I would do better.
It did and this Rov was no longer living.
I went to a preeminent posek to ask all of the pertinent shailos. Everyone would agree that his word is golden in p’sak.
He gave a completely different answer. He told me I should go! The situation was also different. I was closer with this brother who was making a “bar-mitzvah” and he factored in the family relationship and thought there would be more harm done in the long run by not participating.
He told me I was allowed to be in the reform sanctuary at the time of their services. He told me I should do everything they do, just not daven. I davened privately and then came, and mingled with all of the family. I remember this brother was happy to see me there and I think I knew it wasn’t so easy for me.
The other factor that is important here is the intermarriage already took place many years before. He approached this very secheldik: he said they know you don’t approve of this. They know you look different and think differently. Nevertheless, family is family and you have to do all you can to maintain the relationship.
It worked for a time.
Now, both of my parents are in the olam ha-emes and this brother and I have not spoken in years because he is openly hostile to my frum lifestyle.
Boruch Hashem, I have no regrets because I listened to daas Torah
Alex:
If there was a strong relationship before frumkeit, there will be a strong relationship afterwards.
– – – – – – – – –
The flip side to that statement offers a possible solution.
It’s never been easier to keep up regular contact in non-stressful, non-threatening ways. Emails with photos, video phone calls, leaving messages on your relatives’ blogs or Facebook accounts.
These all build trust and love BEFORE the big, stressful moments of “will you attend my wedding” “will you eat in my house” etc.
Judy Resnick, since you are a loyal fan of my little messages, especially my Divrei Torah, please join my little web site for Divrei Torah in the near future:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/DerechEmet/
I send exactly six (6) quick Torah messages every month. I started 1/1/2010 (less than 13 months ago), but I already have more than 515 Jewish members. See you soon, IYH!
Mr. Cohen #5 is correct as usual. There’s a great deal of tolerance out there for everyone EXCEPT frum Jews.
Above, I assumed little direct contact. If there was such contact, his impressions could have been community-specific.
Alex wrote,
“But this is a world dominated by dysfunctional relationships and superficial comments on facebook, so there are usually no real relationships even among frum people, let alone those with secular backgrounds.”
Let him speak for his own circle but not for the “frum” with whom he has little direct contact.
“It’s good for a BT to get married and have a kid as quickly as possible, because bronchitis/broken limbs/colic are all great excuses not to attend these things. (lo aleinu)”
I’m so ashamed. A couple of these have actually kept us from attending family reunions, and we were so relieved.
Jonathan said:
“this brother and I have not spoken in years because he is openly hostile to my frum lifestyle.”
This person would never show open hostility against Blacks or Hispanics, or even against Muslims, but showing open hostility against Jews who actually follow the Torah, that is acceptable to him. Tipach atzmotav.
Alex, please provide a valid email address on your next comment.
I responded, “Don’t you remember I was at ______ bar-mitzvah?â€
“Oh, you were there?â€
You know, we davven to Hashem three times PER DAY in a effort to maintain a relationship, yet we wonder incredulously when, after half a lifetime of not speaking (but we did show up once upon a time at a family event) why they forgot, why there is no relationship.
If there was a strong relationship before frumkeit, there will be a strong relationship afterwards. But this is a world dominated by dysfunctional relationships and superficial comments on facebook, so there are usually no real relationships even among frum people, let alone those with secular backgrounds.
With regard to attending these family events, “Daas Torah” is not a relevant concept (ask a halachic shailoh regarding the makom if necessary); rather it is something that each person needs to decide, as only the individual knows and feels whether or not there is real relationship worth maintaining. But going just to “keep the peace” is a superficial ruse that others will likely see right through — or it could backfire altogether.
It’s good for a BT to get married and have a kid as quickly as possible, because bronchitis/broken limbs/colic are all great excuses not to attend these things. (lo aleinu)
I think it is interesting how different people are given different answers to these kind of questions depending on which Rav they ask and the particulars of their situation.
I know in my case I was told NOT to go to bar/bat mitzvahs of children who were not halachicly Jewish EVEN if it would cause family strife. If the kids in question were Jewish, I was told that I could and maybe even should go.
Regarding intermarriages, I was told I could attend if and only if the both of the following criteria were met:
1. That a bogus conversion had taken place. Because this way, the people don’t think they are intermarrying. Since they view the conversion as valid, they don’t think that they are intermarrying.
2. There can be no co-officiation with non-Jewish clergy.
3. There would be family strife if I didn’t attend. If it is a particularly close family member.
It can be very hard when brothers and sisters are hostile to one’s frum lifestyle. My sister and husband refuse to attend any of my family simchas (Baruch HaShem, we’ve made many) and they don’t even bother to make excuses anymore. I tried in vain to point out to my sister that my four daughters, now all married and moms, are all funny and hip and fine women aside from being devoutly Orthodox Jews. I had hoped that she would want to have an “aunterly” relationship with them. Nada. Now my oldest daughter will be making the first simcha of the next generation (her oldest son will be a Bar Mitzvah, G-d willing) and it would be so nice if the great-aunt and great-uncle would show up and honor us all with their presence. However, I’m not holding my breath for that to happen.
Now that my parents are gone, like those of Jonathan the author of this article, my sister is the only one who remembers me from my childhood, and it is painful to have this estrangement. However, I reluctantly accept that there is nothing I can do about it, and believe me I’ve tried.