When things are calm and going well, it’s easy to be a “perfect” parent, and much parenting advice seems to be directed towards that unreal realm.
Perhaps what would be even more valuable is imperfect parenting tips, when our unpolished side is on display. How do you react or recover when your irritable, angry, judgmental, non-empathetic or just say the wrong thing?
What are your most taxing imperfect parenting situations?
What are some of your imperfect parenting techniques?
I object to the term “bribery” when describing a reward system. A bribe is a payment offered to get someone to get”look the other way” or otherwise do something they shouldn’t, something wrong. A reward is payment for doing something right. Huge difference!
Imperfect — using videos or computer time to get some down time. Used way too often between Purim and Pesach in order to actually get everything done.
Rewarding chores done with computer time. (I would prefer to separate them but the kids insist on tying them together and it’s not like I’ll give out computer time before the chores are done…)
I am not a child psychologist, an educator, or a parenting expert. However I have read many parenting books (Jewish and secular) and listened to many shiurim on the subject.
For sure, the concept of schar v’onesh (reward and punshiment) is a factor in parenting. It’s an important concept in developing children into being Torah Jews. The concept of reward/punishment in this world and the World to Come is listed as one of the 13 “Foundations of Faith” from the Rambam.
Bribery!
A coveted lollipop for deciding to “go potty.”
A special “big girl” gift for the “big sister” of the new baby.
“A quarter to the first child to get dressed and be ready to go.”
“If you build Zaidy’s sukkah I’ll give you ten bucks.”
“If you clean up all of your toys, I’ll take you to the park.”
“If I see an improvement in grades and your behavior this year, I’ll get you an I-Pad.”
“If you get into medical school, I’ll buy you a car.”
Of course, it’s not always the best technique to use, and many times it’s simply inappropriate. However, I’m in favor of whatever gets a parent through the day!
How do you react or recover when your irritable, angry, judgmental, non-empathetic or just say the wrong thing?
I applogize and explain (age appropriate-wise) that we all make mistakes and usually for me it’s based on lack of patience and not thinking before I speak. I let them know it’s a yetzer hora for me and I am trying to work on it.
What are your most taxing imperfect parenting situations? See above. :)
What are some of your imperfect parenting techniques? Raising my voice to be “heard”, being critical about one thing after another after another in succession, stepping in before I let my kids attempt to resolve an issue between themseves.
One helpful technique is trying to resist the urge to respond to problem situations immediately. Waiting a few hours or overnight can make all the difference between a proper and improper response.
Making the time to talk to your spouse about formulating a response is also valuable.