It’s not uncommon for boys who are dating to have a list of girls who they are interested in. This is often because the boy’s parents get showered with resumes and a list is a good way of keeping control of the process. The list helps the boy and his parents organize the research of potential matches.
When my two married daughters were dating, I made a list of potential boys that they would be interested in dating. Many people thought I was crazy, as girls do not make lists. However, if I could give one piece of Shidduch advice, it would be to compile a list of potential dates for both your sons and your daughters.
To create such a list, you need to call whatever contacts you have in the various frum communities. You must be very persistent in this effort and call everybody you can think of, even friends of friends. Describe your son and daughter and ask the contact if they can think of anybody who might be suitable. Write every name on your list and start researching who might be appropriate, and who could arrange the shidduch. Then on a regular basis call the people who can arrange to ask about the potential date. Try to keep your list at 6 to 10 names at any time.
It’s important to be proactive in the dating process and make regular calls, and managing your list gives you a practical framework to be proactive. It makes the process much less haphazard.
Have you made potential shidduch lists for your sons?
Have you made potential shidduch lists for your daughters?
Would you consider making a list? Why or why not?
Steve: How does one focus on a list without considering each person? Isn’t that what the list is about? And why do you assume that making lists of potential dates somehow excludes the possibility that parents have discussed a child’s shidduch preferences? I am thinking that Mark meant that when he calls friends to “network,” he is explaining the type of person his child is looking for, mostly in terms of personality and middos, so that the names that come up are people who would be compatible.
Maybe we are in a different position, but since I have a “learning” son, we get suggestions and resumes frequently. Based on the information we hear about the young ladies, I prioritize them based on those particular qualities my son articulated that were important to him (personality and middos). Then I research, and based on what I heard, I discuss it with my husband. Assuming we are on the same page and don’t have any objections, then we discuss it with my son. If he thinks it is a good idea we say yes, and then it goes to the girl.
I don’t have a list as much as I keep a folder that contains all my notes on each young lady.
My son does not want to be involved during all the research stages. It is too distracting for him. I think my experience is quite typical, at least in a “modern-yeshivish” world.
why not just discuss with your sons and daughters what kind of potential shidduch they are interested in terms of personality, midos and hashkafa? Neither total aloofness nor being a helicopter parent in this process are necessarily correct or wrong-but focusing on a list on its contents as opposed to the person is what one RIETS RY called focusing on the chefza as opposed to the gavra.
As I recall, we received suggested names and related info from shadchanim and other interested parties, and my wife organized this for consideration by our son or daughter looking for a spouse. Our son or daughter had the final word on whether or not to follow up further. Some names were put on hold for possible follow-up if something else fell through.