As a people we need a refuah. There seems to be so much infighting and negativity against other valid paths within Judaism. We need a lot more love and achdus and a lot less bashing.
Rabbi Noach Weinberg suggests that Judaism defines love as identifying with the positive qualities of another. The more we see and focus on another person’s positive qualities, the more we will come to love them. And the same can apply to groups within Judaism, the more we focus on the strengths of each group the closer we can come to appreciating and loving them.
The Mishna in Avos tells us that the world stands on three things, Torah, Avodah and Gemillas Chasadim. Rabbi Dessler teaches (Strive for Truth – Part 5, Our Forefathers Attributes) that each of the Avos excelled at one of these things, Avraham exemplified Chesed, Yitzchok’s path was Avodah and Yaakov’s was Torah. Rabbi Dessler explains how each quality leads to the other two and that every Jew has a leaning towards one of these traits, through which (s)he should work to strengthen the others.
So I was thinking that today’s Orthodoxy mirrors this delineation. The Yeshiva world leads with Torah. The Chasidim show trememdous mastery in Avodah. And the Modern Orthodox are the most focused on fixing the world through Gemillas Chasadim. Each group is heavily involved in all three areas, but it seems to me that their primary characteristic falls out as described. If we can focus on these qualities and learn from the positive examples each group sets, we can collectively improve the achdus in Klal Yisroel.
David,
Over 30 years ago, when I was in Hebrew School, I saw kids putting on Tefillin. Would you believe that I thought something was wrong with his arm, because I didn’t know what they were? But I learned quickly, and at my bar mitzvah, I am sure I put them on (since my Zaide, may he rest in peace, gave them to me) as I have ever since. So, I’m shocked that the family you are talking about reacted that way. They should have just had an outlandish 13th birthday party, and not called it a Bar mitzvah!
The Tefillin centerpieces reminded me of a distant cousin’s “Conservative” Bar Mitzvah. It had a live band on Shabbos, highly treif food (pepperoni pizza, treif chicken and treif deli platter, dairy dessert, the “kosher meal” ordered for me was from the same treif caterer) candle-lighting on shabbos, etc..
I asked the bar mitzvah boy if he had started putting on tefillin; he had no idea what I was talking about. He didn’t learn about it in Conservative Hebrew school and his Conservative rabbi never told hme about it. I asked the boy’s grandfather, my great uncle. He said he would buy the boy a pair of tefillin if it was OK with his parents. The boy’s parents said NO, HE CAN’T HAVE TEFILLIN!
I couldn’t believe it.
I try to see the positive side, that at least they still have a bar mitzvah, and are “doing something Jewish,” but for them and lots like them, the bar mitzvah is celebrating the end of Judaism, not the begining of Jewish adulthood and keeping mitzvahs. They are celebrating the fact that they are done with Hebrew school and never have to do anything Jewish again. Maybe Temple on Rosh Hashanna, maybe a seder. Maybe. There is the old joke that non-frum Jews use their Hebrew name at their bris, their bar mitzvah, their wedding, and their funeral. How likely is it that this boy will use his Hebrew name at his wedding? Or if he does, will he be marrying a Jew? And if he doesn’t will anyone care?
Hi Mark,
Thanks for your thoughful feedback.
Obviously I’m not suggesting utilizing a kiruv method telling people they’ve got a shallow belief system. The kiruv professionals do what they do best, and that method would have to be voted the “most apt to fail method”.
However, many of us BTs have come from secular/liberal backgrounds. We can vouch that the value system is shallow. Those who still adhere to that lifestyle may or may not appreciate our take on it, but it’s simply the truth, which I find works best when sharing with people. When I started seeing the ridiculous lifestyle practiced by the narcissistic liberal wing of Judaism, I couldn’t get enough of reading stories of those who were caught up in that lifestyle and somehow, miraculously broke away. For others, maybe it’s not such a good idea for them to read those stories, as it may seem like an attack instead of a friendly nudge.
I agree that we should concentrate on the positive, but not at the risk of hiding our heads in the sand in regards to how certain Jewish people & communities live their lives and accept whatever is out there in the popular culture.
It seems to me that the word “discernment” has no meaning to some people,
That said, I agree that there are many, many awesome non-frum Jews who do great things, and try to live Jewishly the best their movements teach them. But if a movement is bankrupt…..
Trying to stay focused on the positive.It’s soooooooo hard.
Bob,
Thanks for your thanks to my comment (#20). I got my correction (#21) in just before yours.
Jeff
I agree that the dress and the behaviour at some/many/most Bar/Bat Mitvahs is not according to Torah standards. But I’m going out on a limb here and trying to recognize some good in the celebration of a Torah based milestone.
“Since this blog is called Beyond BT, it’s up to us BTs to get our posteriors out there and show our non-frum brothers & sisters what’s wrong with their shallow belief system & values.”
Personally I haven’t seen people have much success with the “You’ve Got a Shallow Belief System” kiruv technique and I’m not even sure it’s so true.
I know plenty of non frum people who are honest, regularly do acts of kindness, love the Jewish people and respect the Frum, more than we sometimes seem to respect them.
There are two simultaneous tracks we need to take to get closer to Hashem, do good and eliminate the negative. I’m suggesting we spend more time focusing, recognizing and encouraging the doing of good.
Thanks for the correction!
Sory, I meant to add that the boxes were in the shape of Tefillin.
Sharon
Bob,
Did you forget that at our youngest’s Bar Mitzva, there was a centerpiece with a theme. The centerpieces were two black boxes painted black,and with straps that had his name and Bar Mitzva date on them (we still have them) and the center was filled with fruit roll-up flowers. Of course, the candy disappeared as soon as the children were allowed near it. One of the things I remember though is that each one of the children said to us was that they wanted the emphasis on the mitzva aspect.
As a matter of fact as soon as he could, Dovid walked quite a distance to another shul to a classmate’s Bar Mitzva because he was concerned that the snowy weather might keep some from going. He did come a little late to the open house buffet we had. ( The classmate’s Bar Mitzva was the same day as Dovid’s Bar Mitzva.) Yes, at all three occasions, everyone had a great time.
Mark,
In regards to what you wrote (see below),
anyone & everyone throws parties. There’s nothing wrong whatsoever with having joy & simcha, whether Jew or Gentile.
The problem is that the bar/bat mitzvah has been transformed in the non-frum world into a “coming of age” party, where the boys act like thugs and the girls act & dress like they’re 25, with miniskirts & spagetti-strap tops.
This does not lead to joy or simcha. It leads to assimilation, “sex, drugs and r & r”, which is NOTHING like it was even in the 1990’s.
It’s gotten so ridiculous in the very wealthy secular communities that Gentiles are now having bar/bat mitzvah parties as they feel left out, and their parents see a need to copy their outlandish Jewish acquaintances. I’ve done these parties. Talk about RIDICULOUS! They even do candle lighting and a hora circle dance.
I do not exaggerate here. This nareshkeit is going on. I feel it all boils down to Judaism correcting itself, just as a river does, when a dam is put up. Right now, it’s happening. In 20 years, there will be a lot more Orthodox and sadly, a lot more Refore/Reconstructionist/secular/atheist Jews.
Since this blog is called Beyond BT, it’s up to us BTs to get our posteriors out there and show our non-frum brothers & sisters what’s wrong with their shallow belief system & values.
I’ll admit that not all the non-frum are crazy party animals, looking to get drunk & dance. Some try their best in whatever liberal movement they are in, but they are fighting a losing battle. The war has already been lost in their movements.
Without the core of frum Judaism, meaning Hashem, Torah & Mitzvot, in each & every Jew being active & awake, there is NO value in celebrating becoming a son or daughter of the covenant.
What covenant do they believe in or even know of?
You wrote:
“Although I often make the mistake myself, it might be helpful to focus on the fact that people making secular Bar Mitzvahs are throwing a party, just like we do, and there is some value there.
It’s just that their parties take a much different form than ours. And it might be worth noticing that some of us are more focused on the eating, dancing and socializing, then on the divrei Torah at Bar Mitzvah.”
Sarah,
Thanks so much for your kind words. It’s not easy at times, as even some “religious” people see no need for modesty. I’ve actually been told that they aren’t interested in making their party “too Jewish”, meaning tznius dancers, appropriate music and no bumping & grinding mixed dancing.
I’ve done quite a few parties where the entire staff of mine has been female. The family & guests were much appreciative.
It’s funny what you said about photographers & videographers, as I’ve also attended strictly frum simchas with separate seating. Yet, there were males on the female side of the mehitza snapping & filming away. NOT TOO TZNIUS!
I’ll admit, I’ll peek over to the womens’ side once in a while, but those who are hired to record the event are constantly STARING at the woman through their viewfinder or monitor.
I find it strange that most people see nothing wrong with this.
I have heard of some female photographers & videographers, but there aren’t many.
Talk about a huge need, and tiny supply. There’s an ample opportunity there for a frum enterprising woman.
Bob
The value of the party is that it celebrates the Torah milestone of becoming a Bar Mitzvah, which I think should be encouraged.
The aspects of non-Tznius dress and dancing would be a problem in my community, but it should be acknowledged that there are Shomer Shabbos communities where this is less of an issue.
I again want to make clear that I am not saying I’m fine with all that goes on in every community, just that it might be helpful to spend some more time looking for, seeing and recognizing the good.
Jeff Neckonoff:
I heard about your business and the advertising for modest dancers, entertainers, ladies for ladies events, etc. Good for you for creating such a kosher “party” company.
When my son was Bar Mitzvah, we wanted a female photographer/videographer on the ladies side, this was three years ago, so maybe things have changed, but it was difficult to find a woman for that job role. Baruch H” we did, and it was so much more comfortable on the ladies side without male photographers coming in and out every minute, filming dancing, etc.
Mark, what is the value of a party that encourages un-Jewish behavior?
Although I often make the mistake myself, it might be helpful to focus on the fact that people making secular Bar Mitzvahs are throwing a party, just like we do, and there is some value there.
It’s just that their parties take a much different form than ours. And it might be worth noticing that some of us are more focused on the eating, dancing and socializing, then on the divrei Torah at Bar Mitzvah.
Your comments about the state of Bar/Bat Mitzvahs reminded me of a family anecdote. My yeshiva bred son attened a non-religious Bar Mitzvah a few weeks after his own. While it was strictly kosher, everything else about it was alien to him – the DJ’s, the girls, the many non-Jewish friends of the BM boy. And there was Yaakov, sitting in his suit and hat. He eventually came over to us and asked “what does this have to do with a Bar Mitzvah?” We shrugged in agreement. It seems that our custom of rites of puberty parties has now taken off in the goyisha world as well. We do make some strange contributions to culture, don’t we?
Jeff & Bob,
What we did for both our girls, was have Bas Mitzvahs (for my oldest) @ a Nishmat Nashim, where she did a Dvar Torah on Purim, followed by a small kiddush, then the next weekend, a party for relatives & friends in our recreation room where we live. For my youngest, she gave a Dvar Torah on Chanukah @ a women’s learning group, followed by a cake & other nosh, then, a couple of weeks later, we repeated what we did with her sister. Not too fancy, but meaningful for all who where there, including my daughters!
When our kids came of age in the 1990’s we had sit-down lunches in Shul and/or buffets in our home. Somehow, with no rented catering palaces, no centerpieces with a theme, no bands or DJ’s, no silly sweatshirts, and no group trips to amusement centers, we all had a great time.
Martin,
An excellent point.
I am in the event/simcha business full time.
Even before I became a BT, I literally was getting myself sick doing all the BAR mitzvahs.
Watching adults get drunk & high, while their barely dressed daughters immodestly danced with the hormone-ravaged 13 year old boys drove me up a wall.
Many people have no idea what goes on at most of these “parties”. The ones who do, take pride in watching “little Joshua & Stefanie grow up. How cute”.
So I decided to make a change and create a new business entity that plays for bar/bat MITZVAHS instead. What a difference!
It’s a pleasure dealing with parents who know when & how to draw certain lines, who respect Hashem, Torah & Mitzvot, who give their kids the knowledge & ammunition to fight, instead of surrendering to, our oversaturated with sexuality society.
Jeff,
Regarding the “ridiculous party when their kids hit puberty”, that reminds me of what my late Uncle said about a lavish Bar Mitzvah party we were at a decade ago. He said something like “where’s the MITZVAH in the BAR MITZVAH?” He had a good point!
Chaya,
That is AWESOME. Our families were quite similar. (I don’t remember Ham on Chanukah, though… just for regular lunch:-)
With all due respect, here’s some more of my two cents:
I believe what happened to you was definitely not the norm. Baruch Hashem, some like yourself are pulled towards a more observant lifestyle because of experiencing a taste of Judaism in the liberal movements.
But from personal experience, growing up in Canarsie, Brooklyn, and currently residing in Merrick, Long Island, the liberal movements only succeed in creating a form of Jewish pride & identity. For the majority of Jews, this sadly doesn’t cut it, and they aren’t drawn to Torah in any way, shape or form (besides having a ridiculous party when their kids hit puberty). The majority of the children of these families will either assimilate or just not identify as being Jewing at all, unless they somehow have their neshamas sparked by Torah.
That spark has long been dead in the liberal movements.
Singing at camp and attending services worked for you, but what happened to 99% of those who attented with you?
As a matter of fact, from the liberal perpective, it makes NO sense to marry Jewish, as that is quite a racist and elitist worldview. Without understanding why Hashem & the Torah say we should marry Jewish, assimilation is logical & normal.
THAT is the reason for the uncontrollable intermarriage & assimilation American Jewry has experienced since the 1960s.
For the record, I am in a mixed marriage, struggling to fix what liberal Judaism screwed up. Please click on my name above to read my story.
Mark,
I agree…I thought that’s what you meant. As my oldest daughter says, always look for the positive in people (aka a apark of Hashem in each of us)!
Great idea! Interesting food for thought. In response to Jeff’s statement that liberal movements within Judaism only lead to assimilation and the sooner they fade away, the better, I would like to counter respectfully with my personal experience.
My mother grew up with temple on Yom Kippur and a nice roast ham on Chanukah. She was a fourth-generation secular Jew. I can’t even trace the last religious Jew in my family, rejection of religion goes so far back.
My culturally-proud, secular grandparents were heartbroken when my mom married my non-Jewish dad.
My parents raised us as members of of a reform temple. I loved everything about it. I sang at services, taught Sunday school, went to reform camp every summer, planned to be a rabbi. Gradually I wanted more and when I got my first taste of traditional Judaism, I was hooked and I never looked back. I’ve been Torah observant for seven years. I’m married to a soon-to-be rabbi and we have a beautiful home based on Torah values. Who knows, but I don’t think that would have been possible for me personally if I’d been raised the way my mom was. Liberal Judaism was the bridge.
Great metaphor.
Regarding what Rachel wrote:
“I would extend your metaphor; I think the same can be said of the liberal denominations within Judaism, and it’s fascinating how easy it is to draw the same comparisons.”,
Sorry, but as a fellow BT, I most definitely have to disagree. The liberal movements within Judaism only lead to assimilation and a loss of Jews forever. No matter how many nice things they do, it’s all for naught, if that chain of Torah that kept us Jewish for over 3500 years is broken.
I’m a child of those liberal movements. The sooner they fade away, the better.
I know you say the Modern excel at gemilas chasadim and that the three divisions you’ve posed are active in all three areas, but still I felt the need to put in a plug for the Satmar Bikur Cholim, which is incredibly and admirably active.
Rachel,
I’m not sure I was using a metaphor here. Torah, Avodah and Gemillas Chasidim are real acts as defined by the Torah and the Gemorra. I do think that many non Shomer Shabbos Jews are focused on Gemillas Chasidim, but I’m not sure that was your point.
Marty,
I just want to clarify that I am not saying that the differences don’t matter. My point here was that we should spend more time focusing on the strengths of others with different paths.
Mark,
I say “Amen” to that, brother! We should all just try to get along, despite our differences of opinion…
This is lovely.
I would extend your metaphor; I think the same can be said of the liberal denominations within Judaism, and it’s fascinating how easy it is to draw the same comparisons. I understand why you’re not going that far, of course, but wanted to mention it as food for thought.