A Beyond BT contributor was contacted by email from a woman in the NYC area who is having major marital issues that have arisen due to conflicts around the decision to be observant, or not, and to what degree. she asked if anyone could recommend an Orthodox Rabbi or marital counselor in the NYC area who has experience with marital conflict arising from religious differences, or differing desires for observance?
If you know of a good Orthodox Rabbi or marital counselor with experience pn this area, please leave the name in the comments or email us at beyondbt@gmail.com.
We’ve had a number of posts about this topic in the Shalom Bayis category.
If anybody has insights into this issue, please share them in the comments.
If I’m not mistaken Yakov Bakst practices in the Chicago area. He is both Torah observant and an open minded therapist who deals with marital issues etc. I personally availed myself of his services when going through my ‘mid-life crisis’ and found his insight and openness invaluable!
For some people, coaching may help – if not as a couple, than at least as a “support”, as chizuk…
From experience, I don’t think there is a counsellor, only the Ribono Shel Olom Himself. He’s the only one who can handle this one.
Its really tough one because most frum therapists and rabbi rebetzin therapist wannabes make assumptions that are just not relevant to the ‘mixed” couple, like (1) you have a Rov —both of you together for more than just fleishig spoons dipped into milchig pots. A spouse who is struggling with religion most likely has no Rov and is often quite isolated, but very few people get this.Also there may be other issues which are embarassing to bring up because they are “off the charts” all kinds of behavior that can go on. Its a very lonely place to be. Good luck.
I believe http://www.frumtherapy.com (phone/contact info on website) mentioned exactly such a situation as something they have success in dealing with…
Ora,
Maybe we are both reading into things based on our own experiences. For example, I envisioned the poster as male, you female.
Perhaps divorce is better. I’m not going to try to argue it is not. But, uprooting a child can be jarring too.
SephardiLady–
I don’t know “there and doing that” or the details of her situation. Obviously I hope that she and her husband can work things out. But saying “I can’t imagine how this is going to improve your children’s level of observance. I can imagine there will be a lot of resentment.” is overly simplistic, IMO. The truth is that in some cases divorce is best for the kids and does not cause resentment. Sometimes marriages are beyond saving and trying to stay together “for the children’s sake” only prolongs everyone’s misery and subjects the kids to a lot of tension and unhappiness.
Again, not trying to say that’s the case for “there and doing that.” Only she and her husband know the details of their relationship and if they can stay together despite their differences.
I am the closest I’ve ever been to walking out with the kids after 10 years of marriage. I cannot wait very much longer – my kids need more solid role models, in a more observant community. The secular influences on my daughter are only going to get harder to counter.
I can’t imagine how this is going to improve your children’s level of observance. I can imagine there will be a lot of resentment.
I don’t know what secular influences you are referring too. There is plenty of junk out there. But, there are plenty of healthy activities your children might be introduced to that could get them involved with a better group of peers.
I’m in Dallas and don’t know anyone who deals with this specific issue (I wish I did!), but I have the same issue in my marriage. If this is a religious woman with a non-observant husband, and she wants Chizuk from me, I would welcome her e-mail to me: lavietes (at) airmail.net
I recommend Rav Mordechai Twersky, the Hornistopoler. He, and his father before him, used to be in Denver quite a few years back. I know of a number of families who he helped with good, sensible advice, and good counseling. I don’t know how busy he is or hard to get hold of; but I do know that he has proven capable in several instances. If you’re up near Albany, I’d call Rav Moshe Bomzer at Beth Abraham Jacob and ask his opinion. Although he does pastoral counselling with families coping with illness, he may know some folks in the area who are good with family/marital issues, or may be available himself. I know some families that were really helped by him, but that was a few years ago.
You may email me for Rav Twersky’s number. myscher at comcast.net, or through our website at Kol BeRamah.
May Hashem bless you with clarity, love, and shalom bayit!
I am the closest I’ve ever been to walking out with the kids after 10 years of marriage. I cannot wait very much longer – my kids need more solid role models, in a more observant community. The secular influences on my daughter are only going to get harder to counter.
I don’t know anything about counselors in the NYC area, but this is an issue I struggle with in my marriage as well. My heart goes out to them. She is absolutely not alone. If she ever needs someone to talk to, or some chizuk, she can email me at fern_r@yahoo.com.