I’ve felt a little besieged recently because of my hashkafic affiliation which is with Chofetz Chaim, headquartered in Kew Gardens Hills, Queens, NY. In the old classification system of LWMO, RWMO, LWUO, RWUO, Chofetz Chaim was in the Left Wing Ultra Orthodox segment, almost indistinguishable from the Right Wing Modern Orthodoxy of much of Yeshiva University, with perhaps a few differences in halacha and hashkafa. But in the new classification system you’re either Charedi or not, and in the blog and social media world that I mostly inhabit, Charedi is a pejorative word.

But then comes Sunday morning and a group of YU and Chofetz Chaim guys gather for our weekly Halacha and Machshava shiur which has been going on for over 10 years. We’ve been fortunate to have Rabbi Daniel Stein (currently of YU and Passaic) and Rabbi Yakov Haber (of Darche Noam) from YU among our distinguished teachers.

On Sunday morning, clarity sets in when we get together and learn. It’s an intermediate level shiur and when we delve deeper there’s often something to incorporate in our understanding of Torah or practice of halacha. We hock and we debate and we clarify, but we’re there to learn and it’s clear to all that when we’re involved in spiritual growth there’s no significant difference between the RWMO of YU and the LWUO of Chofetz Chaim.

That’s the unity principal for our time. Learning and growing spiritually is what unites us as one people under G-d. I see it on Sunday, I see it when I learn with my non-Observant chavrusa, and I see it when I learn with any of my chavrusas.

It’s Elul, a time when we push a drop harder on the growth pedal. It might also be a good time to reflect that our growth and our fellow Jew’s spiritual growth is what’s important, it’s what unites us, it’s what we should continue to focus on.

A few weeks ago, on Shul Politics, I wrote about the valuable role our friends serve as both active and passive spiritual growth coaches. I feel fortunate to have a few offline friends that serve that role, including David Linn, with whom I’m working on an exciting new project. Between our Pomodoros we often discuss general and specific growth issues.

Through the years, especially when commenting was heavier here on Beyond BT, there have been a number of people who have been spiritual growth coaches, whether they realized it or not. One of them, who I’m still in contact with, (mainly through email) is Neil Harris who often recommends seforim, shiurim and secular books. In a post last month, discussing growth, Neil referenced a book, called Mindset, by Stanford and Columbia researcher Dr. Carol Dweck.

Mindset discusses two different lenses in which we view life, one in which our characteristics and situations are seen as fixed and the other in which we look at growth and improvement in every characteristic and situation. Dr. Dweck illustrates in many different fields and situations the detriment of the fixed mindset and the tremendous value of the growth mindset.

The book gave me an insight in to the plateauing or spiritual stagnation that many BTs and FFBs experience. For BTs, after our initial interest is awakened we work towards a goal of being Frum. The end state of being Frum consists of keeping Shabbos, family purity, davening regularly, keeping other mitzvos and learning Torah. When we’re in the process of becoming Frum, we’re in a growth mindset, but when we actually reach the observance level of Being Frum, we tend to enter more of a fixed mindset which slows (or stops) growth.

Perhaps the solution is to see Torah Observance in a mindset of always trying to become Frummer, i.e. growing spiritually, as opposed to being Frum, a fixed mindset. The difficulty is that we often talk about where people are (i.e. not Frum, Frum, Very Frum), and not they’re going (or growing). Thanks to Dr. Dweck for her important research and insights, and for giving us the opportunity to reframe from a fixed mindset of being Frum, to a growth mindset of always becoming Frummer.

What do spiritual side development, learning pedagogies, a post high school year in Israel, and hip pain have in common? Perhaps you can come up with an answer, but for me it’s sparked the development of a set of useful ideas, strategies and specifics in a number of areas.

I’d like to present these ideas, strategies and specifics in short ~400 word segments. You can read 400 words in anywhere from 1 to 4 minutes, depending on whether your reading for skimming (400–700 wpm), comprehension (200–400 wpm) or learning (100-200 wpm), so it won’t take much of your time.

Let’s start with spiritual side development, since ultimately that’s what we’re here for. Over the past 2 years I’ve reconnected with a number of childhood friends, from my old non-observant neighborhood, via Facebook. Facebook has many advantages and pitfalls, but it’s re-connection enablement, has proven very valuable for me.

One of the friends, with whom that I’ve shared a number of dinners, is a non-religious family oriented, close-to-retirement teacher. He lives a full, simple, good life, having the time to do the things he enjoys most, including his fondness of reading, emailing and face-booking all things political. During one of our dinners he lamented that he felt that he had not sufficiently developed his spiritual side. He is not alone among this group of friends in this recognition and desire to develop a spiritual side.

I thought about his comment. Like most Baalei Teshuvas and Torah observant Jews, I have spent a significant portion of my life developing my spiritual side. I also knew where he was coming from, having been there myself, and I’m aware of the similar paths that many Baalei Teshuva have taken in their spiritual development. But it’s very clear to me that reading Strive for Truth in the subway, or spending a Shabbos in Monsey or Kew Gardens Hills, like I did back in the pre-BT day, is not what he, or most of my old neighborhood friends, need to develop their spiritual side.

I’ve been thinking about this question for well over a year. Despite the advances in “Jewish spiritual side” development tools and techniques spawned by the Outreach Revolution over the past 40 years, I can’t identify a tried and true path for Jewish people who want to grow spiritually, but are not necessarily on a path to full Torah observance in an observant community. (End of part 1)

Perhaps you’ve been there. After many many years of Torah observance, you’re still committed to improving your davening. You review Derech Hashem on the Shema, where the Ramchal explains in a fairly straight forward manner that you should have in mind:

1) Hashem’s existence is not dependent on anything, which is unique in all creation
2) Hashem is the One Unique Authority and nothing can function without His giving it the authorization
3) In His Goodness, Hashem relates to us as a king relates to his subjects, and our job is to accept the yoke of His Kingdom and subjugate ourselves to Him

It’s only 6 words and it will take a mere 10-20 seconds to have in mind
1) Shema Yisroel – Hashem is teaching the Jewish people, including myself
2) Hashem – only His Existence is unique
3) Elokenu – He is the One Unique Authority
4) Hashem Echad – I accept His Kingship and one day everybody will accept His Kingship

You’re committed to doing it, after all it’s only 6 words and 3 thought’s: G-d’s Existence, G-d’s Authority, G-d’s Kingship. You’re all set…and then it happens…a stray thought enters your head…and before you know you’ve said the 6 words without the intended intentions.

You think, “How did I blow that? I was ready to go. It seemed so much easier back when I started. After all, within a few short years I was keeping Shabbos, keeping Kosher, davening three times a day, observing the laws of family purity and much much more. And now, I’m having trouble consistently focusing on 6 words.”

But we have to tell ourselves: Don’t despair! The reality is continual spiritual growth is difficult. Hashem wants us to keep on growing and we are constantly hitting our walls. We hit our davening wall, our learning wall, our emunah wall our “insert mitzvah here” wall, but walls we will hit.

Even the greatest generation that received the Torah hit their walls. They ran away from Sinai like school children, they rejected the spiritual bread from heaven, they complained because it was difficult to accept the requirements of continuous spiritual growth. We’re not alone – spiritual growth is hard. If it was easy, the reward for higher levels of growth would not be so great.

The solution is that we need to keep on trying. Growth happens slowly and if you try to say the 6 words of Shema with intention everyday, you will fail often. But over time there will be less failures and more successes. You don’t scale the wall in one shot, you climb up in inch by tiny inch. Eventually you will succeed and you will be faced with a new group of walls representing your higher spiritual level. And the climb continues day in and day out.

The lyrics that come to my mind are:
You can get it if your really want it
You can get it if your really want it
You can get it if your really want it
But you must try, try and try
Try and try, you’ll succeed at last

Once, on a short chol hamoed day, my wife and I took our kids to a botanical garden not far from the house. We simply walked through the gardens taking in the fresh air and enjoying the diversity of the various blooming trees. On the way home, we appropriately stopped by a fruit tree in the neighborhood to make Birkas HaIlan, the Blessing over trees.

The blessing over trees is mentioned in the Talmud (Brachos 43b) and can be found in most siddurim in the section of brochos listed after Birkas HaMazon (Grace after Meals). It is a blessing that is made only once a year and the optimum time to make the blessing is in the month of Nisan. The blessing is only made on fruit bearing trees and can only be made after the tree has begun to blossom, preferably before the fruit has begun to grow. The Blessing loosely translates as: Blessed are You, Hashem, Our G-d, King of the world, for nothing is lacking in His world, and in it He created good creatures and good trees, in order for mankind to take pleasure in them.

There are three things that have always struck me as interesting about this blessing. First, why, of all blessings, does this one state that “nothing is lacking in His World”? Second, why does the blessing on trees mention “good creatures”? Third, what does making good trees and creatures have to do with “mankind taking pleasure in them”?

I have heard it explained that the reason that it is preferable to say the blessing after the tree has begun blossoming but before the fruit has begun to grow is that we are thanking G-d for the beauty of the blossoms. G-d could have easily created a fruit tree that is ugly and simply squeezes out fruit. But G-d wanted the world to be beautiful for us “to take pleasure in”. So, we thank Him for providing us these beautiful often aromatic, flowers. That is why the blessing says “nothing is lacking in His world” and that is why the blessing says that these things were created for mankind to take pleasure in.

The Ben Ish Chai (Chacham Yosef Chaim, Chief Rabbi of Baghdad in the mid to late 19th Century and renowned Sephardic Halachic decisor) explains why the blessing for trees includes the statement that Hashem created “good creatures”. The Ben Ish Chai explains that just as dry, withered and seemingly lifeless trees burst forth with beautiful flowers and bountiful fruit, so too can we as individuals shake off our spiritual slumbers and stagnating depressions to a blossoming, reinvigorating renaissance.

First Published 4/23/2006

One Shabbos afternoon, after eating Shalosh Seudos and waiting for bentching, I went to the Shul to learn. An acquaintance walked in and the conversation turned to him making negative comments about speeches in Shul.

I related that Rabbi Moshe Meir Weiss said that each week we have a golden opportunity to listen to the words our Rav prepared for us.

He replied, “the drasha is a good time to take a nap”.

I said, “a good shiur can be remembered for life”, and I related a Rabbi Frand Teshuva drasha in which he said we should think about how we want to be remembered. What three words would we want on our matzevah (monument)?

He asked me, “So what three words do you want to be remembered by?”.

Without hesitation, I said “a Baal Teshuva”.

He said “Why stop there? Why not strive to become a tzaddik? Be remembered for that.”

I told him “That’s ridiculous as that word is insanely overused and most likely beyond my reach. Besides, being a Baal Teshuva constantly energizes me. Looking forward to every Shabbos. Not getting bored and set in my davening. Feeling the excitement of every Yom Tov. Powered by being a BT, that’s how I feel.”

I later called a friend to discuss the incident. We came to the conclusion that he probably pictured BTs as know-little types. We both agreed that unfortunately some BTs do stay in the beginners phase and never learn their way beyond it.

However, as an FFB, he probably never could relate to the aspect of a BT to which I was referring. The energy that we can bring to every aspect of our Avodah, because that’s how we approached Judaism. I want to be remembered as someone who was always growing, and to me being a BT is what set my on that path.

Zev From Baltimore

A Baal Teshuva is usually introduced to authentic Judaism by learning Torah. Different people are exposed to different topics, but the first stage is usually Torah with little or no mitzvah observance.

After some time learning Torah, the observance of mitzvos begins. The time frame can vary greatly dependending on the person and the environment. The first mitzvos are usually between man and G-d like Shabbos, Kashrus and Davening.

After a period of learning and mitzvos the BT approaches integration into the community which is mainly focused on mitzvos between man and man.

The FFB goes through roughly the same phases. Early childhood and schooling is focused on learning Torah. As the child reaches chinuch they focus on mitzvos between man and G-d like Shabbos and davening. As the FFB breaks into the teen years and becomes a young adult they integrate into their Yeshiva and community involving mitzvos beteen man and man.

In a broad sense, these three stages mirror the three foundations of the world, Torah (learning), Avodah (man and G-d) and Gemilas Chasadim (man and man). When spritual maturity is reached, all three are in focus but in the early stages they proceed from Torah to Avodah to Gemilas Chasadim.

The BT however advances through these stages at a much faster pace then the FFB and often does not get enough exposure in the Torah phase. BTs who are more exposed and conversant in Torah have a much easier time in the community integration phase between man and man.

I was at a Torah Umesorah convention recently and I had the pleasure of spending time with a young Rabbi who is dedicating his life to building a Torah community and helping Jews with little or no Jewish education embrace, Torah, mitzvos and Hashem, at a pace that makes sense for them. The fact that this month’s issue of Klal Perspectives even hints that we need to shine the bright light of success evaluation on his mesiras nefesh for the Klal, in the name of community resource allocation, is quite puzzling to me and to many others.

What was really striking was this Rabbi’s growth orientation. It was evident in everything he said. I asked him straight out where he had developed such a wonderful Torah attitude. He told me that he was an FFB, and had fine tuned this orientation in the years he learned at the Jerusalem Kollel of Rabbi Yitzchak Berkowitz. In addition to Rabbi Berkowitz, he mentioned the influence of a number of BTs at the Kollel. He said that the BT contribution to a communal Torah growth perspective is both immeasurable and undervalued.

For the readers, writers and commentators here on Beyond BT this growth culture is no secret. It permeates almost every post, comment and email we receive. We are a group of people who after 5, 10, 20, 30 or even 40 years of Yiddishkeit, are still fanning the same flame that was lit when we learned our first Rashi.

No one can ever measure the spiritual progress we’ve made, or the spiritual growth we still yearn for. It can’t be evaluated in dollars, in journal articles or in any measure you can think of, due to the sometimes overlooked, obvious fact, that spirituality can’t be measured, by definition. We should state our protests to those who might wittingly or unwittingly slow down the teaching of Torah to our fellow Jews, but our main focus is to continue our growth, and encourage and assist everyone in our circles of concern and influence to continue their spiritual growth.

It’s not about self-congratulations, or recognition, it’s about clarity of vision and clarity of mission. It’s about growth and concern for the spiritual growth of every Jew on the planet. And knowing that the evaluation of our individual and collective spiritual success is only in the hands of Hashem.

On her semi-annual trip to America, Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller spoke in Kew Gardens Hills last night on the topic of “Sirens, Sandy and the Light of the Menorah”.

You can download the mp3 here.

Rebbetzin Heller has just released a new book called “The Balancing Act – How to bring the power and passion of Torah into our homes, our children – and ourselves”. There’s a 20% online discount on Artscroll’s site.

The book is in question and answer format. Here’s a small excerpt:

Q. When we were dating, my husband said he wanted to live in an established frum community in order to have access to the Torah learning readily available there. Although I had reservations, I ultimately told him I could live whereever he wanted and we’d make the most of our opportunities. Now that’s it coming down to it, I’m afraid I’m not going to be happy in an established area. I realize there’s plenty of community service to do even in a frum city, but it’s not the same as living in a less religiously developed area, where I can be a part of actually shaping it.

A. It’s up to you to be happy. Simchah is a middah and not a response to external circumstances. You can choose to develop your inner joy by believing that wherever Hashem put you, that’s where your potential can be maximized. If you agreed to your husband’s choice, you meant it and saw it as possible. You can be very happy in a frum community. Don’t deceive yourself into thinking otherwise.

You don’t have to be in Charan in order to make souls. I would suggest you get involved in Project Inspire, Partners in Torah, or any other suitable program. This way you can still be involved in creating a community by introducing people from the outside.

We are naturally affected by our role models. Don’t devalue the advantage of being in a frum environment. Your husband wants exposure to seri¬ous Torah learning and to people who are real ovdei Hashem. Seek out those people in your from community who live bigger-than-life lives. Let them be your inspiration.

There is no reason for you to feel spiritually frustrated. There is plenty to do no matter where you live. In addition to kiruv, there are kids off the derech, women in distress, and families that need help coping. Be honest and ask yourself if your imagination is taking you to a place that you’ve fallen in love with, instead of falling in love with Hashem’s.

Keep that promise to your husband. Make the most of your opportunities, and be happy wherever Hashem ultimately leads you

Dear 11 year old Shoshanna,

Hashem made a strange and wonderful miracle! It’s hard to believe it but I am writing to you from your future. I want to let you know that you’re not abnormal to be searching for meaning in life. I know you feel different. I assure you that you’re not alone. One day you’ll meet people who’ll know exactly what you are looking for. I could tell you what you’re missing but it wouldn’t be good for you to find out before you’re ready. You may not be able to grasp this yet but you actually come from a very long line of truth seekers. Do not despair!

Kind Regards,
Future Shoshanna
—————

Dear Future Shoshanna,

I don’t believe in miracles. This is like some science fiction story only it’s really happening, right?

It sure is a relief to hear I’m not the only one who asks these kinds of questions. I have no one to share my inner thoughts with. I sit up at night and think about how mommy died when I was only five years old. I wonder what happens to a person after they die, but there’s no one to talk to about this. Whenever I bring up the subject they say they don’t want to talk about it and tell me not to be so gloomy. Everyone tells me that I should concentrate on the things that girls my age should care about like clothes, parties, and passing my exams. I do care about those things too, but isn’t there something more to life? No one seems to know. Mommy comes to me in my dreams. Sometimes I feel like I may be going crazy because it is as if she is really in the room with me while I’m wide awake. It’s scary yet comforting at the same time. Why do people die young?

Kindly,
11 year old Shoshanna
—————

Dear 14 year old Shoshanna,

This year you’re not going to complete the eighth grade of Temple Beth El’s religious school, nor will you go through with the confirmation ceremony. You’re going to quit before the end of the term. I’m giving you a warning that our stepmother and daddy will not be happy about this. They’re going to give you a very hard time. Then they’ll try to entice you to go ahead with it by promising you a new dress and a confirmation party. Nevertheless, you’ll stubbornly refuse to give in. You’ll stand on principle, displaying a trait that will persist into your adulthood. The entire family will protest but, in the end, you’re going to get your way. My advice to you is to be glad they’re going to give in to you so don’t rub their noses in it and just live and let live, please!

Kind Regards,
Future Shoshanna
—————
Read more Postcards to My Younger Self ›

Rabbi Moshe Weinbeger, of Congregation AishKodesh in Woodmere, NY recently gave shiur on an essay of Rav Kook’s titled “Al pnimiushaTorah” and spent a few minutes discussing the issue of the internet and filters. One of the many things that Rav Weinberger mentioned which I found to be meaningful was that while filters are extremely important in addressing the information we can access on the internet, filters do not address the person who is using the internet. You can have, in his words, the biggest filter in the world for the internet, but if a person has a tayvah (urge) for something, using a filter will not change that urge. He offers the example of someone hiding the candy jar at home. If an adult hides it, then the child and the adult will still have that desire for the candy. Rabbi Weinberger’s view is that have to address the person, not just the use of the internet and start educating people from an early age about the pneminus (inner essence) of the person, of the innate Kedushah (holiness) the each of us possess and the greatness within.

Rav Weinberger says in the shiur, “People would like to install Yiras Shamayim. You can’t do that, you can’t install Yiras Shamayaim, that’s the only problem. You can install a filter, but the person is the same person sitting down to the computer.” When dealing with a computer and a web browser, we can install a filter. A person needs to change his behavior.

My own take on what I heard from his shiur was that there needs to be more of a focus on the positive within the person. I have to upgrade myself and how I think and a feel as a Torah Jew and how I relate to Hashem. I have to focus on the greatness within, which is what the concept of Gadlus Ha’Adam is all about. I have to find the greatness within myself (this idea can be found in both Chassidic and Mussar writings). Changing how I see myself is only part of the upgrade. It is probably just as important, in my mind, how I see others. When speaking with my children, do I focus on the negative or accentuate the positive? Do I try to reveal and teach my children about the greatness within themselves? Do I view my wife as a neshamah or a person? It’s way easier to write these questions than have to actually address them in real non-electronic life.

I believe that Rav Weinberger is correct, we all want that magical quick-fix, we want the Yiras Shamayim app installed and not have to put in the effort to grow. Anyone who is growth-oriented knows that isn’t how it works. RavY itzchok Blazer (one of the main disciples of Rabbi Yisrael Salanter) writes that Yiras Shamayim encompasses the worry and discontent that that one feels, “lest he transgress and not fulfill one of the Divine commandments or not perform the mitzvah according to specification” (Kochvei Ohr 8, from Rabbi Zvi Miller’s translation). We have to understand the gift and responsibility of being created by Hashem and, while filters are great for helping us steer clear of problematic territory, we really have to work diligently and change who we are and how we think.

By Sara Taub

The question of this post is directed at brave and inquiring minds which let go of attachments to material and professional accomplishments and replace them with goals more eternal. It is among people such as these that I think this question would most likely arise. It is not a particularly convenient question, as it requires courage and honesty to ask. It is probably an unpopular question, because the potential outcome could involve some disharmony and re-adjustment, if only in your internal space. But I think it is an important question to ask and I am curious to know whether any of you ask it of yourselves.

First let me tell you what the question is not. The question is not about mistaken life choices or doubt that they reflect the ultimate truth; the question is not a crisis in belief or a desire to compromise Torah true standards of personal conduct and behavior; the question does not reflect an agenda that would promote self-expression at any cost; and the question is not about the society, with its takanon sanctioned by gedolai hador, in which we have chosen to live.

The question is about fine tuning and it is this:

Does there ever come a time when you have stretched so far outside your comfort zone and self-definition that maintaining your spiritual status-quo or even a slight regression would be an act of avodas Hashem?

Is it fair to say, “I can do no more right now” even when that means that your husband or children will be affected, maybe even negatively? Could you risk shalom bayis for holding your ground and refusing to accommodate a spiritual request?

Is it ever okay to let the neighbors think what they will and to dodge the masses for a while?
Do I render myself unrecognizable to the one that knows me best, namely, me, to accommodate standards generated in a world from which I do not originate, or any world for that matter?

I’ll give you an example of what I mean: A few days ago I met a friend of mine at the Seminar we are both trying to get our girls into. She came dressed in the required costume, wearing a wig she has not put on since her last appearance at the Bais Yaakov. This friend, mind you, is among the holiest rollers I know, with a clarity and devotion that I can only aspire to. Nervous, nauseous, a little resentful, and completely out of her element, the first thing she said to me was exactly what I have been thinking for some time now. “I am constantly being asked to stretch and accommodate way beyond what I am capable of or comfortable with.” And then walked in the menahelet…shalom! Whatever…

And when I challenged her with the possibility that perhaps she should do what it takes to maintain her own equilibrium she said, “No, no matter what, I have to keep trying, even if I die trying.” Further into the conversation she alluded to the fact that for her, the suffering was meaningful because it served as some form of atonement for past misdeeds; that Moshiach was on his way and people today are the bottom of the barrel so it was wise to make torment your faithful companion, as in today’s world, it is in everyone’s repertoire in one form or another.

But it pained me to see that she was, in fact, dying in small ways as each accommodation was sure to be followed by greater, more difficult ones. And as I watched her put on a grin-and-bear-it façade, I had to wonder, does service of G-d require this? Was it, in fact, Torah true?

There are two camps, I presume, that form around this question. One would have you consider the “I” null and void. “I” am a self-fashioned robot, who devotedly follows the path laid out before me by those wiser and more accomplished than me. The other would shout in protest and demand an accounting for the unique and inimitable character that Hashem placed in each one of us. Where are my fingerprints that no other human being can duplicate?

It is difficult to know when to reach in the pocket that carries the note “I am nothing but dust,” and when to reach in the other that hides the message “the world was created for me.” But the two are equally holy, and crumbling up the paper that would require I lay my uniqueness on the altar of accommodation without at least launching an inquiry is, in my humble opinion, cowardice. And my experience has taught me that going into self-imposed exile leaves me alone with a self that makes joy a stranger and wilts the flowers of Simchas HaChayim, Ahavas Hashem, and achdus with Am Yisroel planted in the vineyards I have so carefully and consciously cultivated.

“I did it my way” is not a song that is found on Jewish lips. No one would advocate letting the individual mandate the Godly. But is there room in the spaces of obligation and ritual in the foreign world in which we find ourselves big enough for me? Presented with a demand that would necessitate a metamorphosis of size-able proportions do I even consider what my personal cost would be? What do I weigh that up against and how do I know which is the priority?

Much to my delight and gratitude, my husband came through with an answer to this dilemma that I found both wise and satisfying. He believes that within the robot there is a mechanism for self-regulation; that there is a default mode triggered by crises of this kind which would have you honor the voice that shouts discontent and seek a competent audience in which to vocalize and resolve the tension that it generates (for which he offers his services, of course.) The Torah and our leaders do not shy away from the conflicted – out of the box in which we live, they are divinely endowed with a bird’s eye view that can embrace and set free the complicated and multifaceted creation that is called a human being.

And further, my husband regards it as a duty incumbent on each and every one of us. Belief and service should not mandate that we die a thousand deaths in its name unless we are counseled that that is what we must do. There is room, he believes, for an individual to live within the robot. The wise seek out wise counsel to set the mark and draw the parameters around which he can walk freely, at his own pace and in his own stride.

How would you answer the question?

By Aliza Bulow

A general look at the developmental stages of the baal teshuva

I have spent over 30 years in the world of baal teshuvas, as both an emerging baal teshuva myself, and as an educator and guide for hundreds of other baal teshuvas. Over the years, I have identified several stages and general commonalities in the process of becoming a baal teshuva. Identifying these stages are a way to have a general look at the process of development of the baal teshuva, but it must be understood that each person is individual and each experience as unique as the person. Some will linger in a particular stage, while others will skip it completely. Some will pass through each one in a linear fashion, while others will move back and forth, perhaps several times. The following is meant to be a general guide to help parents and friends, and even the baal teshuvas themselves, understand what might be coming next.

Phase One: The Beginning

There are many reasons why a person chooses to pursue a different pathway in life. A desire for meaning, a search for truth, a yearning for roots, a sense that “something is missing” or that “there must be more to life than this”, a wish for community, or a need for structure can all be stimuli to begin the baal teshuva journey. Sometimes the search is preceded by a trauma, sometimes by a romance, sometimes it is a slow evolution of ideas that have been brewing for years, and sometimes it is a jump into the exciting and alluring unknown.

The first phase is characterized by curiosity and exploration. This phase may have been preceded by curiosity and exploration into other religious or spiritual pathways, so it may not be phase one of a specific person’s spiritual search, but I am calling it phase one for our purposes, with the understanding that a prerequisite to phase one is the choice of a Jewish pathway.

During this phase, one would likely read books, research on the internet, ask questions, attend classes, seek a teacher, and possibly take a short trip to Israel. The goal of this phase is to learn enough to confirm the choice of a Jewish pathway.

Phase Two: Wonder and Awe

In this phase, the person has learned enough to be in awe of all there is to know; they marvel at the vastness, and wonder at the depth. Often, instead of their curiosity being sated by previous study, it becomes even more voracious. This phase is often characterized by a single mindedness in seeking information and educational experiences. It can be very intense for some, and it may be a little trying for those living in that person’s environment.

Phase Three: Trepidation and the Beginnings of Observance

Taking on some of the Jewish practices may have already begun slowly in phase one, or more quickly in stage two. It is characterized by the wary tasting of mitzvah, commandment, and observance. One may begin by eschewing pork or shell fish, or by adding other observances of kashrut, the kosher laws, by increasing attendance at the synagogue, by instituting a regular prayer practice, by dressing differently, by regularly attending a Shabbos, Sabbath, meal, by tithing one’s earnings or by observing any number of other mitzvot, commandments.

The trepidation comes from two main sources. The first is internal: “Do I really want to commit to this? What will my life be like if I take this on? What if I take it on and can’t keep it up?” The second is external: “What will my friends think of me? How will this impact my work/studies? What will my employer/professors/parents think? What if I make a big deal over this and then find I can’t keep it up?”

It takes a lot of courage to make a change, especially in the face of unchanging or even disapproving friends and family. Even where one may feel that the baal teshuva’s practices are unnecessary or even foolish, one can admire the courage and character necessary to take on and maintain those practices.

Phase Four: Accelerated Acceptance and Incorporation of Jewish Practice

In this phase, the new baal teshuva seems to be adding new practices almost as fast as they learn about them. Of course, the pace is different for each individual: for some “total” acceptance and integration of observance takes years. For others, it can be a matter of months, especially for those who are participating in a school experience in Israel.

For the baal teshuva, there is often a feeling of exhilaration during this phase. It is exciting, almost intoxicating, to constantly learn and incorporate newness into one’s life. This is true for the sports enthusiast, the mountain climber and the scientist as well. Part of the human experience is the desire to move into the unknown and take charge of it. This part of human nature is uniquely nourished during this phase of exploring and taking on of “new” mitzvahs.

In addition, in circles where the baal teshuva is attaching his or herself to an observant community, they often experience a very high approval rating from that community during this process. Some community members see it as the fruit of their educational efforts—everyone likes to see their seeds blossom. Others feel an affirmation of their own choices when someone “new” enters the fold, and still others are excited by their beliefs that the world is that much closer to its ultimate purpose when another Jewish soul behaves in congruence with its mission. Many baal teshuvas are encouraged and buoyed by the applause and approval they receive throughout this phase.

Variations on Phase Four:

While this phase is characterized by an accelerated and, most often, unabated taking on of new practices and observances, it may have some distinct variations:

Variation A: Naïve Embracing, Submission and Over-Submission

For some, phase four can be like a whirlwind. It can happen quickly, sometimes a bit too quickly. It is during this phase that family members might feel like their loved one is part of a cult. They may see what looks like a blind following of a charismatic teacher and see their loved one changing dramatically almost overnight.

In some of these cases there is a naiveté that interacts with an individual’s emotional needs that can lead to a submission to Jewish law and even to an over-submission. This can be exacerbated and accelerated by the accolades the new baal teshuva is receiving from their new friends or community and by the emotional holes those accolades may be filling.

The antidote to this sometimes worrisome phase is education. The more one learns, the more one develops the intellectual connection, the more one’s emotions can be tempered and balanced. Emotions can catapult one into growth, but only knowledge, perseverance and commitment can sustain it. Lack of appropriate education will likely lead to inappropriate or rigid observance. In time increased education will most often lead to a healthy balance.

Variation B: Missionary, Educator and Enforcer

During phase four, some move from excitement to zealotry. This variation can be quite annoying for those who have to live through it. The new Baal teshuva can begin proselytizing friends and family members. They can be quite passionate about the need for you to change your life. They can become preachy, constantly offering G-d’s point of view about everything from politics to what is in your grocery cart. Often when manifesting this stage, they are undereducated and don’t know enough to share such opinions even if G-d actually did “feel” that way.

Or, they can so admire their teachers, and so desire to be like them, that they fool themselves and believe that they are actually emulating them by (prematurely) taking on the role of educator. Every conversation can be seen as an opportunity to educate. Every encounter is a chance to not only show what they know but to convey the ultimate truth of the universe.

Perhaps most annoying of these three related variations is the Enforcer. This usually short lived phase sometimes occurs when the new baal teshuva learns about the mitzvah of rebuke, tochacha. In the perfect Torah-based society, there are no police. Everyone is accountable to G-d and usually takes their responsibility seriously. For those who fall down on the job, it is the duty of everyone to prop them up, in fulfillment of the dictate that “all Jews are responsible one for another”. This propping up can mean reminding a neighbor of the correct law or its application, correcting someone when they are wrong or, in rare cases, preventing someone from transgressing by force. Only a fraction of these laws can be kept today and the ways that they are kept are few and tricky. Until a new student learns the nuances of adherence to these laws in his or her community, they can make a lot of imprudent and foolish mistakes.

The paths of Torah are pleasant, if the baal teshuva is not behaving pleasantly, they need to learn and absorb more. The antidote to all of the above variations is time, maturity and more education.

A conversation with the new baal teshuva’s rabbi or teacher may also be helpful. If a conversation with your child’s rabbi is not productive, seek another orthodox rabbi with whom you can feel a sense of rapport. An orthodox rabbi, or rebbitzen, rabbi’s wife or female Torah teacher, familiar with baal teshuvas, can give you an important perspective.

Variation C: Overwhelm

As explained, phase four may bring about a rush of excitement and a quickened pace of adding new observances. In some people, this leads to feeling overwhelmed. While everyone must set their own pace, feeling overwhelmed is a sure sign that the pace is too fast. While one may feel emotionally ready or intellectually convinced that a Torah life is the best choice for them, it still takes time to make the changes. New practices need to be introduced at a pace the individual can digest and absorb.

When counseling people who want to speed things up or who are unsure of the pace they should set, I share with them the advice that one of my teachers, Tehilla Jaeger shared with me. “You should be somewhere between comfortable and overwhelmed. If you are totally comfortable, you can probably push yourself a little harder. If you are overwhelmed, you need to slow down a little bit. Take baby steps.”

Phase Five: Plateau

For the average baal teshuva (as if there could be such a thing) phase five creeps up on them. The rush of conquering new territory dissipates; the hands that had been applauding them so wildly begin to silence. They may feel that Judaism has lost some of its fun. Often they may stumble blindly in this phase not even knowing that they are going through a normal part of the process.

Phase five is plateau. After what is usually several years in phase four, the baal teshuva has become accustomed to feeling a sense of excitement in mitzvah observance. Life is often very rosy when everything is new and fresh. As the new baal teshuva becomes an acclimated baal teshuva, and life begins to settle into more of a normal routine, albeit a new normal, it can become a little more difficult. The daily, weekly and yearly practice can sometimes feel like a grind.

The same community people that offered so much encouragement in the beginning phases now expect the baal teshuva to be able to handle everything on their own. They expect them to tow the community line and integrate, often expecting the experienced baal teshuva to take on the community’s behaviors and attitudes. The community members often forget, or never realize, that the baal teshuva can never totally be like them because they have a different background.

Since this phase usually happens after several years, it is often accompanied by a relaxation of some stringency in Jewish practice. Some confuse this relaxation with “back sliding”, but usually it is the result of increased Jewish education and exposure to varied practices that still fall within the realm of orthodoxy. Finally, the baal teshuva is ready to make some educated decisions about which practices they want to make permanent and which practices may be customs that they choose not to keep.

This is the time of settling, where one’s personality in relationship to one’s education and experience emerges more fully. For many, this is the litmus test. Will they be able to carry some of that newness and excitement into the routine of regular Jewish life? Will there be a freshness in their practice? Do they even want that? What will they look like as they become “normal”?

Hopefully, if you managed to stay connected during the earlier stages, this is where your relationship can become even stronger. Your child or friend can emerge more pleasant, refined, and more at home and confident with themselves within Judaism.

Phase Six: Disillusionment

Not everyone experiences disillusionment, but for some baal teshuvas, this is a watershed stage. It turns out that people are people in every group, even among orthodox Jews. This discovery can be particularly painful for a baal teshuva.

Many baal teshuva are idealistic, thoughtful, careful and tenacious. They often possess these qualities in greater quantity than the population at large and it is often because of these qualities that they became observant in the first place. Also, people often gravitate to those with similar qualities for friendships and relationships. So, many baal teshuvas live in a more idealistic, thoughtful, kinder, friendlier world. It can be particularly jarring, therefore, when an observant Jew behaves contrary to Torah ideals, desecrates the name of G-d and the reputation of the Jewish people. When this happens disillusionment may occur.

There are as many responses to disillusionment as there are causes. The following are five common responses:

Some people struggle to maintain or even let go of observant practices.

Some people remain observant and become bitter.

Some people remain observant but their practice becomes robotic, devoid of feeling but anchored by responsibility.

Some people remain observant and loose the idealistic hopefulness of the baal teshuva.

Some people remain observant and become stronger. They use the experience to learn more about Jews, Judaism and themselves and make a commitment to work harder to bring both themselves and the world to perfection.

The Final Phase: Total Blending

I am reminded of the scene in the movie My Cousin Vinny where Vinny and his girlfriend get out of his car in the sleepy southern town wearing full leather outfits and fashionable dark sunglasses. He tells her to try and fit in. She looks him up and down, looks at the surroundings and says, sarcastically, “Yeah, you blend!”

If you know the scene, you know what I mean. Baal teshuvas can never truly blend. Sure they can dress the part, and they can learn the lingo, and they can set up their homes to reflect their education and values. They can send their kids to religious schools, they can carefully keep TV out of their homes and lives, they can skip movies and other forms of not-so-kosher entertainment, and they can learn Torah. But, at some point in their lives, they still saw My Cousin Vinny, or something like it.And probably not one thing like it, probably a lot of other things too. And all of those scenes, and all of that language and all of that music is still somewhere in their heads.

My kids always wonder how I know all the songs they play in the supermarket (the oldies). They never heard them in our home and at that time, the only music we listened to as a family was classical and Jewish. I listened to them in high school, of course. They were part of my life; I was glued to Casey’s Coast to Coast Count Down of the Top 40 every week. I stopped listening to that at 16, but it’s still in my head today.

And baal teshuvas have different families: non-observant parents, non-Jewish cousins, Zaidies who are Grandpas, “family” customs that come from rabbis and teachers instead of the family. Their families don’t converge on them for Passover, they send Chanukah cards instead of Rosh Hashana cards, they talk about politics in Israel instead of the holiness of the land of Israel. The list goes on and on.

And that history leads to differences. Baal teshuvas may want their kids to have a little stronger secular education, they may feel differently about punishments, they may do unusual things like take their kids camping or have pets. So, try as they might, they will never fully blend. Their kids may, if they want to. And, if they are successful in passing it on to the next generation, the grandchildren will blend seamlessly. The final phase of total blending takes three generations.

Aliza is the national coordinator for Ner LeElef’s North American Women’s Program, and the Senior Educator for The Jewish Experience in Denver, Colorado. She mentors women in their roles as kiruv professionals, and provides consulting for kiruv organizations across the country. In addition, she teaches classes, develops programs and offers individual spiritual guidance that helps fuel the spark of Jewish pride and involvement in people from across the spectrum of Jewish association. She lectures in a multitude of venues throughout Colorado, across the country and around the world.

By Rabbi Ari Taback

It has got to rate as one of the most bizarre news stories of the decade.

A few weeks ago, authorities in the town of Zanesville, Ohio began receiving alarming calls about exotic wild animals roaming their neighbourhood. On investigation, they zeroed in on a smallholding belonging to a man by the name of Terry Thompson, the owner of Muskingum County Exotic Animal Farm. Thompson, who had recently been released from a one year prison term for unlawful possession of firearms after more than one hundred illegal guns were confiscated in a raid on his home, was more of an animal collector than a zoo-keeper. His private menagerie included some eighteen Bengal tigers, seventeen lions, two grizzly bears and a host of other decidedly hazardous creatures, all housed in a strange assortment of cages and enclosures on the farm. A wolf was reportedly confined in the interior of an abandoned car. Thompson was apparently under significant financial strain, and on October 19, he tragically took his own life. He left no note, and for some inexplicable and macabre reason, he chose to first open all the cages and enclosures of his fierce faunal collection before pulling the trigger.

Within a short time, wild animals were being sighted in and around the small town. Police were mobilized, as were Ohio Wildlife and Parks officials. Staff members of the Columbus Zoo also raced to the scene, including former director of the world-renowned zoo and TV personality Jack Hanna. With daylight fading, they soon realised that the animals could not be safely darted, and considering the significant threat they posed to human life, the chief of the Muskingum County Sheriff’s Office issued his officers an instruction to “shoot to kill”. By the end of the evening’s carnage, all but six of the creatures were dead, including all of the eighteen rare tigers. A missing monkey was assumed to have been eaten by one of the lions. Hanna, a veteran animal keeper, is reported to have commented that “It’s like Noah’s ark wrecked here in Zanesville, Ohio.”

After reading the news reports and various commentaries on this story, it struck me as intriguing that the incident occurred only a few days before we read the portion in the Torah dealing with our famous ancestor and his floating zoo. The Torah describes in great detail how Noah was to collect the creatures which would ride out the deluge with him in the ark, and how he should construct its various sections. We are taught that the craft consisted of three decks, the uppermost for its human residents, the second tier miraculously had enough place for all the animals, and the lowest deck was reserved for the waste.

The structure of the ark serves as a fascinating model for the human being. Torah sources write that like in the ark, there are three sections to every person. The uppermost section, his head, contains his mind, the seat of his elevated Neshama and the element of his spiritual being which makes him uniquely human. Beneath this is the upper torso, containing the heart and lungs. This section of the person contains a more “animalistic” life force and is associated with the world of emotions. In the lower torso is the digestive system which processes a person’s food and stores the waste products, the most basic necessity for life. This directly parallels the three tiers of the ark, the uppermost deck for human beings parallel to the mind, the middle deck for the animals parallel to the emotions, and the lower deck for the waste, parallel to the digestive system.

It is not by chance that the head and mind occupy the uppermost space of the human body. It is the role of the mind to harness and care for our emotional energies, like Noah who from his top floor was instructed to care for and contain his animal passengers.

The dramatic events in Ohio serve as a powerful demonstration of the critical role that the zoo-keeper plays in the care and containment of the creatures in his charge. But as an analogy, it perhaps highlights how when the mind stops playing its crucial role, the emotions of a person can run rampant. So often we see people who lose all sense of reason when their honour is slighted, or how a person will become consumed in the irrational pursuit of a particular physical vice. It is the role of the mind, the keeper of “the zoo in you”, to contain and care for the energies which lurk in the deck below.

But emotions are not intrinsically negative. On the contrary, the emotional forces which swirl around in our bosoms are the very life force which gives our lives passion and energy. Not only must the mind not suppress our emotions, but they must be cared for and channelled, “taken for walks” and trained, so that they can express themselves in a positive way.
The Mishna teaches: “Said Rabbi Yehuda ben Teima: Be strong like a lion, bold like a leopard and swift like a deer to do the wishes of your Father in Heaven”.

This is the Torah’s advice on how to truly utilize the powerful energies of our emotions, and to properly care for “the zoo in you”.

By Yakov Spil

Years ago, I had the privilege of meeting a Yid who was among the distinguished group of talmidim, who are becoming more and more rare, known as Alter Mirrers. They learned in the Mir Yeshiva in Poland before the war broke out and then were transported “al kanfei haShechina” to Shanghai, Japan where they stayed through the war for three years. The stories that came from this period are just miraculous and go to show how the Yad Hashem intervenes for His Chosen People.

It was on Pesach, that I met this Rov. I wish I could remember the rest of his shiur on the “Arbah Kayses,” but it certainly was enchanting. But I do remember one resounding message to us.

Us? Yes, he spoke to us as Baalei Teshuva.

He said, “I met a yid and he comes to tell me that he’s a Baal Teshuva for ten years. I don’t understand dis. Ven a Yid decides to come to learn Tayreh, he is no longer a Baal Teshuva. He is a Yid like the rest of us doing all the things choshuveh Yidden do.”

It appears that this Alter Mirrer saw the term Baal Teshuva as something of a moniker, a label that was not really helping the person. It was tying him to his past in an unhealthy way. It could even be dragging him down and he didn’t even realize it!

When I recalled this last night after I heard he passed away, I thought how appropriate the site is called Beyond BT, it is exactly how he thought we should approach our treasured lives being a part of the Am Hanivchar.

His name is Rav Aryeh Leib Baron zl. He was known as Rav Leib Baronivitcher because he grew in Baranovitch and was very close with Rav Boruch Ber zl. When I met him, he was a Rosh Yeshiva in Montreal. He passed away in Yerushalayim Ir Hakodesh.

May Rav Baron’s memory be a blessing for us and we should be zoche to carry on with our Avodas Hakodesh k’dei lo sishochach m’pi zaro, in order that Torah is never forgotten from our lips and from those of our children!

Find Hashem where He can be found, I think what the Rosh Yeshiva told us is a mission: find yourself as a Yid and go beyond any labels. Be a yid who attaches himself to Mesorah the way the Torah wants us to and not according to any contemporary ideas and we will see the success we are looking for.

By Rabbi Micah Segelman

Rav Dessler made a number of important contributions to Jewish thought. One of the ideas that he helped to popularize and develop is that there are two powerful and opposing forces which motivate human action – the impetus to give and the desire to take. He writes that, “These two forces – giving and taking – are at the root of all character traits and all actions (1).” Taking can lead to great evils while giving is an essential trait of Hashem which we are enjoined to emulate.

The act of taking can appear in many different forms – accumulating possessions or enhancing social status are obvious examples. But even many seemingly generous acts are motivated by self interest. The common thread is that the motivation is to address a personal need. There is a void which we are trying to fill.

Giving is the opposite. For a person to give he must first feel complete. He (or she) feels no unmet needs – and from this position of strength reaches beyond himself to address the needs of others. In Rav Dessler’s words he is “like a river whose waters increase and overflow the river’s borders (2).” The distinction between giver and taker isn’t necessarily based on any objective difference in what they have – only in how they relate to what they have.

I’d like to focus on what I believe is an extremely important application of this idea. The need to feel good about oneself is almost as basic as eating and drinking. When a person’s need for self esteem is unmet he looks outside of himself for validation, usually in one of two ways. One way is to seek the approval and esteem of others. And the second is to try to find validation through achievement – I can feel good about myself if I’ve accomplished enough. When a person seeks outside validation he is taking instead of giving.

When a person looks to other people for validation he isn’t able to give to them because he’s too busy trying to take from them. Furthermore, a person who is dependent on other people’s approval is under a lot of pressure to conform to their expectations and is focused on the need to impress them rather than on doing what is most constructive in any given situation.

The tendency to allow our self esteem to depend on our accomplishments is common in our society where the prevailing mentality equates our worth with our achievements. This is counterproductive and will result in accomplishing less, since it’s very difficult to handle setbacks if they bruise our fragile ego. Our achievements will be limited and our judgment will be distorted by this conflict of interest. And as long as a person seeks to feel worth through his accomplishments, he is focused on meeting his own needs and is unable to selflessly give of himself for the sake of a larger purpose.

So how do we move past these unhealthy patterns? Leading psychologists advocate not allowing our self acceptance to depend on our accomplishments. Albert Ellis writes, “For when you do badly, or think you do badly, or think that others see you as doing badly, you denigrate your whole self and feel worthless . . . your conditional self acceptance often leads to self damning . . Unconditional self acceptance works much better than conditional self acceptance. It consists of your decision to accept yourself independent of your performances – whether or not you do well and whether or not you earn approval by others (3).” David Burns writes in a similar vein, “If you insist your worth is determined by your achievement, you are creating a self esteem equation: worth = achievement. What is the basis for making this equation? . . . You can’t prove the equation because it is just a stipulation, a value system (4).”

What I have found perplexing is how to reconcile these powerful and useful ideas with a Torah perspective. The Torah certainly doesn’t suggest that we look to the approval of others to feel worthwhile. But doesn’t our religion stress the importance of achievement? Don’t those who achieve more, or at least achieve a greater share of what they are capable of, have greater worth than those who don’t? Furthermore, how do we reconcile our insistence on doing what is correct and condemning sin with a perspective of unconditionally accepting ourselves when we may feel significant regret for things we have done? Doesn’t sin diminish our worth?

I believe there are powerful Torah ideas which can help address these questions. Ultimately the Torah provides a strong and resilient basis for self esteem while simultaneously giving great meaning to our achievements and life struggle to choose right over wrong.

Basic to Torah thought is that the G-d given mission of each individual person and the mission of mankind as a whole are of profound importance. The Torah’s basis for self esteem thus comes from the fact that we are worthy of the attention and interest of Hashem Himself and that we can give meaning to our lives and fulfill our mission by making good choices (5).

We must realize that our mission in life is to do our own individual best. Who among us thinks that their life will have the impact of Rebbe Akiva? Of Rashi? Of the Chofetz Chaim? Others are greater than us. But so what? My own individual mission has great meaning. Comparison to another person of greater talents is irrelevant. This idea is expressed in many places including in Rabbeinu Yonah’s explanation of the Mishna which tells us that “The work is not upon you to complete it (6).” He says that even if we are of modest intellect our Torah study is of great significance. And the Mishna in Sanhedrin (37a) teaches that the creation of the world was worthwhile even for a single person. This doesn’t only apply to the greatest among us – it applies to each of us. So our self esteem shouldn’t suffer even if we feel that we haven’t achieved everything we wanted to.

But what if we have squandered opportunities to achieve by making poor choices? In reference to the Mishna in Sanhedrin (37a) cited above, Rav Nosson Tzvi Finkel explains that the creation of the entire world is justified in order to provide an opportunity for a single person with free will to choose to fulfill Hashem’s commandments. Rav Finkel stresses that this applies even to a wicked person. Even the rasha can choose to change direction in life and thus his life decisions have great significance to Hashem (7).

My life continues to have great significance in spite of mistakes that I’ve made. Is it unfortunate that I may not have realized 100% of my potential and that perhaps others have done a better job actualizing themselves? Yes, of course. But does sin diminish our worth? If we go through our entire lives without utilizing life’s opportunities for positive and meaningful activity then our life will have had little value. But throughout the course of life our lives have deep meaning and worth because of the choices we can still make. Rabbeinu Yonah tells us that we should never be discouraged by the mistakes we have made. We shouldn’t be burdened by the weight of our sins. Becoming despondent is unhelpful and we should instead focus on the fact that Hashem desires that we improve ourselves (8).

The Torah approach to self esteem differs, not surprisingly, from the secular approach. But the common ground is that we must not be discouraged when our achievements fail to measure up to those of others or when we realize our failure to have fully achieved all that we can. Common to both approaches is also that dependence upon the approval of others is unhelpful.

As long as we look to our achievements or to outside approval for validation our interactions with the outside world will be circumscribed by our restrictive perspective. When we no longer have this dependence we’ll be able to look beyond ourselves. If we can focus on achieving greatness with our ego removed from the equation then our actions won’t be tinged with self interest. We will become selfless and will be emulating Hashem who is the quintessential giver. Our actions will emanate from loftier motives and we will achieve much more profound success.

Sources
(1)Rav Dessler, Michtav M’Eliyahu,Vol 1: Kuntras HaChessed, chapter 1
(2)Rav Dessler, Michtav M’Eliyahu,Vol 1: Kuntras HaChessed, chapter 8
(3)Ellis, Albert, Feeling Better, Getting Better, Staying Better (Atascadero, CA 2001) page 24. See also Burns, Dr David, Feeling Good (New York 1999) chapters 11 and 13, and Twerski, Rabbi Dr Abraham, Ten Steps To Being Your Best (Brooklyn, NY 2004), chapters 2 and 3
(4)Burns pages 331-332
(5)See the writings of Rabbi Dr Twerski and Dr David J Lieberman
(6)Rabbeinu Yonah, Avos 2:16
(7) Rav Nosson Tzvi Finkel (The Alter of Slobodka), Ohr Hatzafun, Sefer Toldos Adam: Part B
(8)Rabbeinu Yonah, Yesod Hateshuva, and Rabbeinu Yonah, Avos 2:1

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Note: A few of the thoughts and ideas that make up this post have been sitting in my Blogger Dashboard since 08/09/06, after I sent an email to someone regarding banned seforim and authors.

I heard on CBS radio that J.D. Salinger had died. As a former fan of fiction, avid reader of THE NEW YORKER, and someone who thought, once upon a time, of going into writing, I had to pause and give some thought to Mr. Salinger and, of course, The Catcher in the Rye. The primary thing that comes to mind whenever I think about The Catcher in the Rye is the fact that, sometimes, it takes just one written work to make an impact. Culturally, this book was one of the first written works to speak to and about teenage life in post World War II America. As often noted, while the book was intended for adults, many young adults felt that it spoke to them and reflected their feelings of alienation. It was published in 1951 and banned very quickly due to language, adult situations, promotion of smoking and alcohol drinking, etc. The book continues to be banned.

Even though I attended what was know as a “top” public school in Kansas, this book was never required reading. In fact, it wasn’t until I was 22 (summer of 1992) that I first read it. Holden Caulfield, the main character, was a mouthy teen who had been expelled from four schools and was rather discontent with society, adults, and especially people who were “phony”. Holden saw the hypocrisy within his society and in many of the people he encountered. In many ways, not so different from some individuals that would be labeled as “at-risk” or “in-risk”.

One of my favorite quotes (of all time) can be found in chapter two. Holden says, “People never notice anything”. I have always thought this to mean that Holden felt that people didn’t understand him and that they were not even willing to attempt to understand him. It is that lack of observance (not the Torah u’Mitzvos kind), that feeling that we are not important and what we say doesn’t matter that can often lead to a lack of observance (yes, the Torah u’Mitzvos kind). Most people want to be recognized and valued. When parents, teachers, family members or the community give the impression that someone isn’t important or “worth the time” it can have a devastating effect on a person. Of course, when a teen or adult gets to the point that they even contemplate the idea that Hashem forgets about them, then we get into a situation that might bring about that lack of observance.

“People never notice anything,” is a mindset that seems to go against many Jewish values. Part of the reason I like the quote is because I see how it resonates with many people. That’s I attempt to notice things. I try the be first to wish others a “Good Shabbos Kodesh” or give a “Yashar Koach”. I attempt to take an interest in what is going on in my life of those around me. Lately I have become keenly aware of when people have a birthday coming up (mostly thanks to Facebook). To simply ask someone how they are doing, but not push beyond the answer they give is really going only half the distance.

I know this personally, because friends will ask me how I’m doing, and my first reaction is to say, “everything is fine”. Mostly I do this because R Yisrael Lipkin (Salanter) held that “one’s face is a Reshus HaRabim”, a public area (I believe the story goes that he saw someone looking obviously very serious during Elul and commented to this person, that showing distress might bring others down, as well). I’m slowly realizing that if a good friend asks how I’m doing, the they do deserve a better answer than, “fine”. This is sort of like R Dessler’s idea that even though we want to be givers and not takers, sometimes you can be a taker, like when someone really wants to give you a gift, and by taking you are giving to that over person.

“People never notice anything,” just isn’t true. It’s easy to think that, in the big picture, our actions don’t really make a difference. I fall into this mentality quite often as of late. Usually, it’s really before I’m about to do something nice for someone or prior to actually making a difference. If a novel, movie, song, or other aspect of what’s called “pop culture” speaks to our youth, I think, for myself, that it is important to find out why. If you meet a teenager and they are into an author or a musical artist then there’s something (even if it’s completely off base) that “speaks” to that person. This isn’t meant as an academic critique of Mr. Salinger’s book, but I’ve often wondered to myself, “What if Holden had felt that an adult understood him?” Had that been the case, we would have had a very different story.

Originally posted on Neil’s blog here.

My Rav says that often people learn more from their friends than their Rabbeim. The Rabbi will suggest a course of action from the podium (more Torah, better Tefillah, more Chesed) and we can easily dismiss it as, “that’s easy for the Rabbi to say, after all he’s the Rabbi – but us little guys here have our limitations”. But when we see our friends performing these actions, we ask ourselves “if he can do it, why can’t I”? But it’s important to find our own balance.

Our recent to Eretz Yisroel (EY) trip gave rise to such a learning experience. On previous trips, if someone asked me to take something for them I did so reluctantly because I didn’t want to be hassled on my infrequent trips. Last summer a friend and his family were making the trip and since he knew my daughter was going to seminary, he offered to take a full suitcase for us. He said that with so many people wanting to send stuff, he considered it “almost an aveirah (sin)” to not take the maximum weight. We were greatly appreciative and when I considered the distance between my attitude and his, I realized this was something I needed to work on.

So on this current trip we called many people to let them know we were going and if they needed anything to be taken. Many people accepted our offer and it became a little overwhelming in terms of numbers and weight. We couldn’t take everything so we realized that in the future we should accept requests with simcha, but perhaps refrain from calling so many people.

As a postscript, the trip to EY went amazingly smooth in every respect even with the security check – which was cleared when my wife identified the mysterious object as frozen Chinese food.

Reading this great advice from Friedman’s Get Deeper Into Torah Without Going Off The Deep End raises the question that perhaps at some point we no longer have our sight on a goal and we’re basically content with where we are holding despite the fact that we have much room to grow in our Torah and mitzvot observance.

There is the intellectual and emotional commitment to a life of Torah. There is also the practical realignment of a thousand details in your daily life. Your commitment may happen in months or even in an hour. The nitty-gritty rearrangements of how you live should be grown into gradually over several years. It is enough to know you are heading towards total observance. Don’t lose sight of your goal, but pace yourself as you travel towards it. This pacing varies from person to person. If mitzvot are becoming a guilty burden, you have gone forward too fast. If you are depressed, cranky, or anxious about your religious life, or just unbelievably unenthusiastic, you have probably taken on too much too quickly.

A possible suggestion:

Women: just growing into kashrus, growing into Shabbos observance, continuing to learn, dressing more or less modestly, and finding your way around the prayers may be more than enough the first two years.

Men: Just growing into kashrus, growing into Shabbos observance, putting on tefillin, praying three times a day, and daily learning may be more than enough for the first two years. It’s not necessary to pressure yourself now to say all the prayers in the
prayerbook, to dress and speak like a tenth-generation Ben or Bat Torah, to learn every Rashi in Tanach, to become the school expert in checking bugs in vegetables, to study until midnight, to be especially stringent about which kosher labels you accept, to say psalms every day, etc. etc. It’s true that you should eventually create as rich a religious life for yourself as you can, but DON’T take it on all in one year.