Although, I have been a BT for nearly 20 years, there are still times that I feel that I don’t fit in. I can usually handle that but often wonder if my kids suffer because of it.

This shabbos, my oldest son asked me if I would be willing to take a course at the local yeshiva that aims to teach parents how to speak, for lack of a better word, “yeshivish”. Once he asked me to take the class, I knew that he was likely embarrassed that I can’t always shmooze along with some of his friends’ fathers. At the same time, if I take the class, I fear that I will be labeled as a BT which will be embarrassing for me and probably for my kids.

Any advice from your readers would be welcomed.

Thanks
Sam

Dear Mark/David:

As many in the frum world are aware, there was a commotion recently over a ban issued by our Gedolim concerning attending concerts in general, and an upcoming event in particular. I have multiple reactions to this news, some of it sorrowful as one target of the ban (Lipa Schmeltzer) has provided me with much enjoyment and spiritual uplifting through his recorded music. But more disturbing is the upheaval over how we are to receive the words of a Kol Koreh such as this one, signed by 33 Gedolim.

I was very moved when the producer of the concert, Shea Mendlowitz, gave a statement on Motzai Shabbos in which he made it clear that he and Mr. Schmeltzer are determined to abide by the words of the Gedolim, and if Hashem wants this event to occur, it will, and if not, not. This despite the potential for tremendous financial loss. He also appealed again and again to people to refrain from criticizing the Gedolim in any way, and that this “dangerous” situation should be resolved for the klal, B’Shalom. I am also very moved by reports that came out the next day, that the entertainer had decided to cancel his performance, and in deference to the Gedolim, to overhaul his style to be more in tune with appropriate frum music. And this despite that he is extremely popular, having nearly sold out Madison Square Garden for the upcoming performance, and being one of the most sought after singers on the Kosher Hotel circuit. Some say his retraction was, indeed, the “Big Event”.

But the most unsettling part for me (my husband as well), is that without having an FFB education, in which unquestioning acceptance of such a Kol Koreh was simply understood, we just don’t know how to react. Sure, we try to work on our ability to submit to Daas Torah, understanding full well that we don’t even begin to approach their level of knowledge of what is good for the klal. But we would be insincere if we said we had no doubts. And judging from the NEED to appeal to the masses not to criticize the Gedolim, I guess we are not alone. We seem to want to demand accountability, as we would before submitting to some other types of authority. We seem to expect to understand the process by which the decree was arrived at, and have it make sense to us. We want to know that those issuing the decree are completely above suspicion, and are each well-versed in the facts of the case. HOW DO WE KNOW? And is it just a BT thing to even want/demand to know? And should we not be second guessing with ideas for other solutions, other than an attempted outright ban on all concerts?

I guess another reason I took this incident to heart is because just a few months ago there was a different uproar over the exposure of large numbers of frum kids doing off the derech things in the Catskills, followed by great hand-wringing and some resolutions to provide more kosher outlets of entertainment and stress-release. I thought this type of concert was exactly that, but maybe what is a kosher outlet to one, is off the derech to another?

I know Mark & David have done an outstanding and tireless job to keep this blog unique among its peers as a respectful place to exchange ideas, and perhaps part of that effort has been to stick with more parve topics, so I hope this very sensitive issue will be printable here, as I would appreciate hearing the thoughtful responses of other BT’s.

Thanks, and Kol Tuv

ChanaLeah

——————————————————-

Before we let this go to comment, I spoke to a few great people about this to get their perspective and I will synthesize their comments here.

In Judaism, we are allowed to question, but at the same time we have to respect Rabbinic Authority. Just because we don’t understand a particular Psak, does not mean we are free to disobey it. In the case of bans, the best advice is to talk to your own Rabbi for hashkafic and halachic guidance.

Another point is that we are not privy to all the information that goes into a specific decision. I have seen the Rabbinic decision making process a few times and unless you are inside, you have no idea of all the factors in play. Unfortunately on the Internet, people are hesitant to admit their own lack of knowledge, quick to disparage, and stingy on giving the benefit of the doubt, but we have to clearly see that this is not what the Torah teaches.

In terms of the great Rabbis of our generation we have to recognize:
1) They are people of integrity
2) They are learned in Torah
3) They are committed to helping Klal Yisroel
4) They are faced with very difficult Hashkafic questions on a regular basis

Few people can match up to their stature.

With that preamble, we will open up the comments, but we insist the proper respect be shown to Rabbinic Authority and the Torah that stands behind it and that all comments be constructive.

– Mark

Dear Beyond BT

Although I don’t like labels (who does?), for the purpose of this post, I would describe myself as Left Wing Modern Orthodox. That means that I watch TV, listen to secular music and have no objection to teenage boys and girls socializing with each other, among other things. I have made great strides in my Torah observance and keep Shabbos, kosher, pray regularly and keep all the generally observed mitzvos.

I was pretty excited when I first came across Beyond BT as there were many issues discussed that were relevant to me. However over time it seems that Beyond BT has established its place in the right wing of the Orthodox spectrum.

Am I correct in stating that Beyond BT has moved to the right? If so, why has that happened? Can Beyond BT make room for a Left Wing Modern Orthodox BT like myself?

Thanks
Alan

A Beyond BT contributor was contacted by email from a woman in the NYC area who is having major marital issues that have arisen due to conflicts around the decision to be observant, or not, and to what degree. she asked if anyone could recommend an Orthodox Rabbi or marital counselor in the NYC area who has experience with marital conflict arising from religious differences, or differing desires for observance?

If you know of a good Orthodox Rabbi or marital counselor with experience pn this area, please leave the name in the comments or email us at beyondbt@gmail.com.

We’ve had a number of posts about this topic in the Shalom Bayis category.

If anybody has insights into this issue, please share them in the comments.

Thanks for all the good advice on moving to Philadelphia. I have another related question.

I’ll be looking for a new job. I could use advice about finding a “Shabbat friendly” employer. When in the interview process do I bring up the topic of not working during Shabbat? Are there any other tips thats would be helpful. Up until now I’ve been working at jobs where this wasn’t an issue.

It seems that many BTs never bridge the Gemora Gap. That is they never develop the skills to really be able to sit and learn Gemora.

What would you suggest for such people who can’t go to learn in Yeshiva for a few years:

1) Thank G-d for Artscroll and learn Daf Yomi
2) Put aside the Artscroll and keep on trying to crack the Gemora, even if it takes years to master the skills
3) Learn things other than Gemora

Scenario 1
Aunt Marcia, who lives in a town with a dwindling Jewish population informs you that she has proudly placed her electric Chanukah menorah in the front window. She has also made it clear that a friend of her said that you can use the electric menorah instead of candles.
Do you:
1) Politely tell her that she should also light candles
2) Give her words of encouragement for her public display of the menorah
3) Say something like “that’s nice”

Scenario 2
It’s the annual Chanukah party with you non-observant relatives. Although you’ve said some great Divrei Torah at these occasions in the past, your spouse has informed you that most of the guests eyes glaze over when you speak
1) Do you give another D’var Torah, reasoning that if not now, when
2) Just enjoy being with the family and celebrating Chanukah together and skip the D’var Torah this year

Rabbi Yerachmiel Milstein gave a great shiur recently titled “Ahmedinejad, the Jews, and You: What We Can Do to Protect the Jews From Their Worst Enemies?” You can download it here.

Rabbi Milstein points out that we are facing real danger from Iran and Ahmedinejad. He illustrates that Achdus is the key to our protection and the root of Achdus is V’ahavta L’reyacha K’mocha – Love Your Neighbor as Yourself.

“As yourself” implies that you have to love yourself first. And self-respect must proceed self-love. In the first half of this shiur, Rabbi Milstein gives us four ingredients of self-respect:

1) Self-respect in how we speak.
2) Self-respect in how we dress.
3) Self-respect in how we use our time.
4) Respect for our Judaism. We are to love Jews, just because they are Jewish. So what is important and precious to us about Judaism.

So what do you find precious about Judaism?

You don’t have to limit it to five things and you can keep on coming back for more.

A recent article in Hamodia presented a quote from Rabbi Tzvi Inbal, the Baalei Teshuva co-founder of Arachim. Arachim pioneered the seminars which present the Evidence of the Truth of Torah. Rabbi Inbal stated:

“Arachim has spent years compiling research on what motivates people to grow. For a person to change his life, he needs to resolve three different types of issues:
1) Whether the Torah is true;
2) Whether the Torah is good for his life;
3) To explore any defense mechanisms he’s carrying with him.”

For the friends, family, co-workers you know who aren’t observant, which of these issues come in to play?
Are there any ways we can we better address these issues?

Recently, I received a letter in the mail from the alumna association of my college for the 10 year reunion. It will be held over a summer weekend, which means that I will not be able to go to any events on Friday night. As for Saturday night, I would most likely be late to the class dinner because I couldn’t leave for the event until 9:30. One might think if I won’t be able to go to most of the events, why bother going?

Well, I disagree with that reasoning. I have many fond memories of college, some of my longest standing friendships are with people I met during that time of my life. Even though my Jewish observance didn’t grow until several years after college, I have great memories of the dinners and events I went to at Hillel and Chabad. I also have not seen some of my college friends in many years so it would be a wonderful opportunity to catch up and talk about how much our lives have changed.

Besides getting to see the college campus again and schmoozing with old and new friends, there is one other reason why I want to go. When I first started learning at Aish, I remember reading an article that stated that we are meant to fully embrace the pleasures of this world but with deliberation. This is why we say a blessing before everything we eat, and say the bircas hamazon after we eat. There are blessings we say when we see lightning, when we see a rainbow, when we see the ocean, etc. We are not supposed to run from the world and live in isolation, we are supposed to be part of the world. That includes high school and college reunions. If only my next high school reunion would fall on a Saturday night instead of a Friday night…

A reader wrote in and suggested surveying the Beyond BT community to find out what were the formative experiences that led us to Yiddishkeit. So what led you to Torah?

A friend…

A sefer…

An experience…

A search for answers…

Please share you experiences in the comments.