When we were planning the wedding of our daughter, we really didn’t think that having it on Father’s Day would cause a conflict. And so far it hasn’t, except for one exception… our secular friends.

We don’t have that many secular friends, but the response from those we did invite has been weak.

What did you think are the primary causes?

a) Father’s day is a big thing in the secular world, despite it being a minor event in Torah Observant society

b) Secular people think that they will feel uncomfortable at a Torah Observant wedding, so they often opt out

c) The Torah Observant lifestyle leaves little room to nurture secular friendships causing them to lose some of their luster

The Baalei Teshuva path can be roughly divided into 3 stages

1) Discovery – learning and growth

2) Integration – navigating to your place in the community

3) Beyond BT – Torah living and slower growth

Did you go too fast in phase 1?

Did you have the right community support and teachers in phase 2?

Have you found a way to target continual improvement in phase 3?

We saw a Tweet from our referal logs that someone was #disappointed because we reposted Kressel’s decision to take on a more stringent standard of Internet usage.

Perhaps others are #disappointed.

Are you #disappointed that people are uncomfortable when someone decides to take on a more stringent standard then them?

Are you #disappointed that people in the moderate middle frame the issue as either pro or anti-Internet, and don’t articulate the obvious middle position that the Internet has both tremendous benefits and dangers, and we would be wise to make all attempts to mitigate the dangers?

Are you #disappointed that Torah observant people think it’s a good idea to allow their children unfiltered Internet access despite the dangers?

What are you #disappointed about regarding the Internet discussion?

What do you think of these objectives from the article “The Moral Costs of Jewish Day School” from Jewish Ideas Daily?

This model corrects many of the current system’s moral deficiencies:

It makes the tuition-setting process transparent and predictable.

It moves many middle-class families off the rolls of those receiving financial aid.

It defines day school education as a public good to be communally supported instead of an individual good, privately purchased.

It makes clear that the rich, even when they pay the maximum tuition, are assessed a lower percentage of their income than the middle class.

Please read the article.

As we noted last week, there were many good articles in Klal Perspectives and Rabbi Eliyahu Fink who is the Rav of the Shul on the Beach in Venice singled out Moishe Bane’s article in a post on his blog.

One paragraph that Rabbi Fink quoted from Mr Bane’s article was this one:

There must be a renewed emphasis on deepening the basic social connections between members of the Orthodox community. The importance of friendships with others who share one’s values must be emphasized and facilitated. Time spent with others within the community must be encouraged. It is critical that the expansive role that observant people play in their professional and business environments does not redefine them socially, as well. Connecting with G-d begins with connecting to Klal Yisrael, and these efforts must be forged through shuls, schools and other communal organizations. Attending shiurim or learning in chaburas often provide the needed camaraderie, as do chesed endeavors, but not all Jews have access to these opportunities. Ordinary social interaction, per se, among frum Jews must also play a critical role.

Mr Bane is the former national chairman of NCSY, and currently serves as Chairman of the Board of Governors of the Orthodox Union. The OU is working hard to strengthen Shul Growth and one of their initiatives is the OU WINGS program which stands for “We Inspire New Growth Synagogues”.

WINGS is headed by Rabbi Shlomo Einhorn who is the mara d’asra of the West Side Institutional Synagogue. In the OU Wings post, it says that in the five years since he arrived at the West Side Institutional Synagogue, Shabbat morning attendance has increased from 12 to over 300.

There is an interesting chat with Rabbi Einhorn on the blog of Rabbi Alan Brill, PHD an expert on Judaism and World Religions who is a Division Chairman at Seton Hall University.

In the interview on his blog, Rabbi Brill writes:

Einhorn found his spirituality when he discovered the world of motivational management books and could not get enough of them. He devoured the books on how to improve one’s leadership, how to motivate those under you and how to push yourself to your potential. An action centered gregarious form of self-fulfillment in the real world. He also read Rick Warren and the other motivational Evangelical but they were only part of the broader quest for tips and ideas for self-motivation.

Rabbi Einhorn is absolutely sold on Tony Robbins’s program for fire-walking to be transformed and to release the potential within. Not only has he undergone the fire-walking seminar, he encourages other Orthodox rabbis to do the same. Einhorn has also attended Landmark seminars (a derivative from Werner Erhard’s EST) and appreciates the importance of Neuro-Linguistic Programing for motivating others. (Be prepared for ever new emphasis on emotional manipulation in the Orthodox youth organizations.-Rabbi Brill)

Here are some questions:

What are the boundaries of secular knowledge integration?

How far should we travel to meet people where they’re holding?

Can we make the Torah’s teachings more appealing to a wider audience?

Rabbi Adlerstein, Rabbi Rosenblum and a few others have started a new endeavor called Klal Perspectives. It’s similar to Cross Currents with a broader section of writers expressing their opinions on a single area in longer pieces on a quarterly basis. If you like reading opinion pieces, then it’s highly recommended.

The question of this quarter’s issue begins “The AMERICAN ORTHODOX COMMUNITY is experiencing a crisis of spiritual connection, in the opinion of many leaders and observers of the community.” and then asks a series of questions which can be summed up as:

1) Is there really a crisis of spiritual disconnection?
2) What are the causes for those lacking connection?
3) Are there proven methods to help those lacking connection?

It’s great to hear the perspectives of the Klal people, and it’s also important to hear from the people who are living in the communities, the “Orthodox Street” or Prat people if you will.

So what’s your take on these questions?

Purim is fast approaching.

How have you used Purim to increase your achdus to your fellow Jews?

1) Giving thoughtful gifts of Shaloch Manos to people.
2) Planning how to give my gifts to the poor.
3) Having a wonderful meal with friends and family.
4) Going to a Purim chagigah.
5) Appreciating the importance of unity as evidenced in the Megillah.
6) Something else.

I was talking to a Rav recently, who also is a high school teacher, and he felt that many frum teenagers are not connected to the Torah they are learning. They don’t really see how the sugyas in the Gemora or the Parsha is relevant to their every day life.

How would you answer the question: “Why Should I Study Torah?”

How would you answer the question: “How is the Gemorah Relevant to a Teenager?”

Dear Beyond BT

I am just starting out on the BT path. How does one focus on making a particular step successful without feeling overwhelmed by everything “non-kosher” in their life? Would such tension be alleviated by jumping in head first and just dealing with issues as they come? Or is it really best to stick with one thing at a time?

-Regina

In a post this week Ron included a bridge “On The Road Back”.

We’ve always pictured the Beyond BT bridge as moving ahead to a new and improved world.

Which bridge do you see yourself traveling on?

Do you see yourself as coming back or moving beyond?

Did you ever see yourself as coming back or is that the viewpoint of the FFB world towards BTs?

On his website, Rabbi Dovid Gottleib describes his own “Coming Home” experience and gives the following advice regarding selecting a “style” of Jewish Observance:

Many baalei teshuvah become convinced that the Torah is true and try to observe as much of Jewish law as they can, but become bewildered by the wide variety of styles of traditional observance.

In addition to broad differences of philosophy and priorities (Modern Orthodox, Yeshivish, Chassidic, etc.) there are endless geographic variations. Having no personal tradition to fall back on, they must decide for themselves, without waiting for a comprehensive investigation of all options. In fact, at the beginning of his exploration, the baal teshuvah is usually introduced only to a very small sample of the alternatives – often only one.

Still, one cannot postpone having a single, consistent organizing style to his observance (I’ve seen the mixed up results of trying to form one’s own supposed “synthesis.”) The solution is to adopt a style temporarily, and to explore alternatives as time and circumstances allow. In the meantime, one remains committed and open to change. This requires clear communication with others who depend upon him, such as his spouse, children, etc., since any subsequent changes will affect them as well.

Does this approach to selecting a style of Judaism make sense to you?

What alternatives to this approach of selecting a style can you think of?

Do you know BTs who changed their styles? Did you change your style?

Do you feel that you have the opportunity to change your style?

One of the leader’s of the positive psychology movement Dr. Martin Seligman states that there are three distinct kinds of happiness: the Pleasant Life (pleasures), the Good Life (engagement), and the Meaningful Life. The first two are subjective, but the third is at least partly objective and lodges in belonging to and serving what is larger and more worthwhile than the just the self’s pleasures and desires.

Has Torah Observant lead you to a more meaningful life?

Has this made a major difference in your happiness?

Is a meaningful life a promise that Torah Observance can consistently deliver on?

We’re (Mark & David) speaking at the AJOP conference this Sunday, January 15, 2011, at two sessions. There’s also an “Inreach” inspirational conference going on for only $36 at the same location and time which you might want to attend.

We’ve been doing a lot of thinking and discussion among ourselves and with Kiruv professionals about reasonable goals for our sessions.

Through our thinking and discussions we’ve seen and heard the following:

– The Baalei Teshuva we know in the offline and online are mostly very thankful to their teachers for all they’ve done for them

– Supporters of Kiruv understandably want to invest their money in higher impact areas, where people adopt a Shomer Shabbos lifestyle

– Although there are between 3,500,000 and 5,000,000 Jews in America who are not Shomer Shabbos, very few adopt a Shomer Shabbos lifestyle each year

– Kiruv professionals correctly believe that the most or all non-observant Jews will greatly benefit if they bring Torah significantly into their lives

– It is impossible to have all the information available about what adopting a Shomer Shabbos lifestyle entails

– When Baalei Teshuva hit bumps in their spiritual progress they are often bothered by the fact that they didn’t have all the information available at the beginning of their journey

What can Baalei Teshuva do to help this situation?

Keep in mind that most observant Jews correctly believe:
– Torah is true and extremely beneficial when observed properly
– Not all paths of observance are equal
– As human beings, we do not have answers to every question

My daughter’s English teacher assigned the class six word memoirs. The six word memoir has become a popular vehicle for breaking the ice and for stimulating creativity. Basically, you sum up your life (or a major aspect of it) in six words. Ernest Hemingway is said to have penned this somber six word memoir: “For Sale: baby shoes, never worn”.

I thought it would be interesting to see how creative our BBTers can be with BT related six word memoirs. So, let’s see it. Here are some to get the juices flowing:

Try so hard. Never fit in.

Just can’t make it work. Dikduk.

Hope Grampa’s kvelling. My first siyum.

My sister (inter)married. I’m still single.

Eight years later. Can’t say ‘ch’.

We want to create cards (business card size, front and back text if necessary) to hand out to tell people about Beyond BT and encourage BTs, Kiruv professionals, Rebbeim and those interested in BT issues to give us a visit and a read.

a) Title: Should the title of the site be referred to as Beyond BT or Beyond Teshuva?

b) Graphic: Should we include a graphic of the bridge? Some other graphic?

c) Tag Line: Our tag line currently says “Beyond Teshuva – learning, growing, giving”.
Should we use that or something else?

d) Purpose: Should we include “Beyond Teshuva is focused on providing ideas, connection and support for Baalei Teshuva in their continuing quest to learn, grow, and give” or something else?

e) Information: Should we include anything informative on the card like “5 Categories of BT Support”?

f) Should we include anything else?

As the Rabbi of a wonderfully diverse shul, Lincoln Square Synagogue, with a large number of people who have family members who aren’t observant, I am starting a new class entitled “I’m Frum, My Family Isn’t: Halachic solutions to religious differences between family members”

This blog continues to be an excellent resource for Baalei Teshuvah, and I would like to hear suggestions from any readers as to what the most pressing halachic issues that you find yourself discussing with your Rov are.

-For some it is exposing children to non-religious relatives, or questions within kashrus and Shabbat.

-When observant children assume responsibility for their elderly parents care, all sorts of halachic issues arise.

-Attending simchas of relatives in non- Orthodox temples, or non-kosher venues presents their own sets of difficulties.

These are just a few examples of the questions we’re scheduled to cover, and I would love to hear additional suggestions.

With best wishes,
Rabbi Shaul Robinson

PS: for those interested in attending – the class will meet at Lincoln Square Synagogue at 7:30 pm on Wednesdays!

We mentioned 5 categories of support for BTs a few weeks ago:
1) Teachers of fundamental and advanced Torah topics
2) Rabbis who can rule on halachic questions
3) Mentors who act as surrogate parents and help with major topics like Shidduchim, Parenting and Shalom Bayis
4) Friends who act as spiritual coaches and tell us to slow down and inspire us to move up
5) Spouses who are soul mates on our spiritual journey

The one category that is rarely found in abundance are mentors who act as surrogate parents.

Have you seen any mentoring programs be successful?
What was the key to their success?

Why do you think mentoring programs aren’t successful?
a) Not a lot of qualified people to be mentors
b) It takes a lot of time to do the role correctly
c) BTs are hesitant to rely on a mentor
d) Other

There has always been discussion in the BT and Torah Observant communities about mainstreaming.

Baalei Teshuva Oriented Shuls
1) are sensitive to the needs of BTs
2) make it easy for BTs to fit in
3) keep BTs segregated in a comfortable environment

Mainstream Orthodox Shuls
1) are not focused to BT needs
2) require more effort to fit in
3) integrate BTs with the larger observant community

Which do you think is a better path? Why?

What are some other characteristics that differentiate between mainstream and BT institutions?

What issues will you be confronted with on Thanksgiving?

Kosher food issues.

Inappropriate discussions.

Inappropriate dress.

Hostility towards Orthodoxy.

General discomfort.

Everything is fine.
Read more What Issues are You Confronting This Thanksgiving? ›

BTs tackle the Torah life on their own and need to develop their own support systems.

Perhaps we can classify the type of support into 5 categories:

1) Teachers of fundamental and advance Torah topics
2) Rabbis who can rule on halachic questions
3) Mentors who act as surrogate parents and help with major topics like Shidduchim and Parenting
4) Friends who act as spiritual coaches and tell us to slow down and inspire us to move up
5) Spouses who are soul mates on our spiritual journey

Would you add any more categories?

Do you have all the roles filled in your life?

Which were/are most necessary for you?

Which are you missing?

What priority would you outline for a new BT?