Is Tolerance a Dirty Word?

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The subject of tolerance is a tricky one. What does it mean? The standard dictionary definition is as follows: “The capacity for or the practice of recognizing and respecting the beliefs or practices of others”.

We need to ask ourselves if we are “tolerant” enough of other types of Orthodoxy. I am not going to deal with other types of Judaism in this essay. That is a topic by itself. The problem with the standard definition of tolerance is how can I respect something that is against Halacha. There are 70 faces to Torah. Not everyone needs to wear a black hat, knitted kippa, etc… As long as they are keeping halacha, then they have a legitimate orthodox expression of Judaism.

With that said, what happens when a group keeps halacha in their eyes, but not in the eyes of others? That opens up a can of worms. I think the standard has to be that as long as someone is following an accepted halachic opinion then that is valid. That doesn’t mean I have to accept their view, but I must consider them “dati”. What is considered an accepted halachic opinion is a whole discussion by itself.
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Watering Down Torah – Glossing Over Issues

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By Chana

I was reading the section of last week’s Hamodia on Rav Steinman and the Gerrer Rebbe’s trip to the US, Canada, & South America. One of the many interesting responses R. Steinman made to shailas was concerning whether it is OK to distort or water down Torah for the benefit of non-religious Jews (kiruv). His response was firmly NO. He said we should not change Torah in any way when we represent it to non-religious Jews, and if that means they become disinterested, so be it; maybe they will become interested later.

I understand this as I think it is morally correct to represent Torah honestly, it is not Kavodik to do otherwise. Also, it is misleading and many baalei teshuva have complained about this. I know of a few schools that tried this approach, (stressing mainly the fun that a frum person can have) and later abandoned it.
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My Take on Father’s Day

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Most of my kid’s know this song:

Today is Father’s/Mother’s Day but it’s no special day ’cause I love you Daddy/Mommy all the time.

You are so dear to me, the best you’ll always be, I thank Hashem he made you mine.

Cute. But I’m a bit torn by the lyrics. On the one hand, it’s true that we don’t need an invented holiday to show our appreciation to our parents. On the other hand, how many of us take the time out to call our parents and say thanks? If you do, then you don’t need Father’s/Mother’s Day. If you don’t, pick up the phone and say thanks!

Personal Note: A little more than six years ago, I lost my Father. A friend of mine who had lost his father fairly young told me that Father’s Day would be tough. When Father’s Day rolled around, my wife went into labor and gave me the best Father’s Day present, my daughter Atara. This year, her Birthday falls out on Father’s Day again, Happy B-Day Attie!

Ask The Shadchan – Baalei Teshuva Parents

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Gil Student points to this article by Rebbetzin Nomi Travis about Ba’alei Teshuvoh Parents in the Ask the Shadchun column from the Yated. Here is the question from the letter writer:

Dear Shadchanit,

I follow your columns and enjoy the fact that you raise issues that others ignore. I hope you will be able to handle another sensitive matter — call it a challenge . . .

My husband and I have been fully observant Torah Jews for over twenty years and we are now on the threshold of marrying off our children who are truly FFBs. The question of yichus comes up and we find ourselves at times very challenged (and hurt). We know that everyone has a right to their own priorities, yet I feel at times like echoing the words of my good friend, “Now, after all these years… l know what you really think of me…” I do not want to condemn others. I would like to be non-judgmental, I think that our community has come a long way, yet not far enough in opening itself up to “newcomers.”
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Slashing Shabbaton Prices and Torah Links

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Due to the wonders of our web based community, we’re already getting some good feedback on the Shabbaton. We’re working on ways to slash the prices and to create a structure that is focused on meeting people and facilitating great discussions. If you’re even thinking of coming, please comment or email so we can start to plan appropriately.

Rabbi Dovid Schwartz has a great Dvar Torah on Remembering Miriam.

This week’s Internet Parsha Sheet was produced by Efraim Goldstein.

We’re reposting the links to R’ Yaakov Astor and R’ Yonason Goldson over on Aish, since they have a lot of great stuff on the second perek of Pirkei Avos. (And because we think the world of the both of them.)

How About a Shabbaton on Shabbos Nachamu

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We are extremely grateful to Hashem for the success of this project. Together we have created a virtual community of thousands of Jews worldwide sharing our thoughts, ideas and chizuk.

We would like to move to the next stage and create more offline activies to meet, share and strengthen one another. Frequent commentor Chana recently suggested a Shabbaton on Shabbos Nachamu, August 5th, which sounds like a great idea. We would probably hold it in Kew Gardens Hills, since we know a lot of people here who could provide sleeping accomodations. The event is open to BTs, FFBs and OnTheWays, but the program will be primarly geared toward BT issues.

We would have communal meals and hopefully a rocking Melave Malka if we can get some of the musicians in the group here. We figure the cost for the meals would be between $75 – $90 per person and about $50 – $70 for children under 16.

Updated:
We would have Friday meals at the host houses, with a communal Shabbos lunch and we’re working on low cost ideas for Shalosh Seudos and possibly a Melave Malka. We’re trying to get the cost for the meals to between $20 – $30 per person and about $16 – $24 for children under 16.

Please leave a comment or send us an email at beyondbt@gmail.com, if you would be interested and let us know how many people would be in your party.

No Atheist in a Foxhole?

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By Yaakov Grant

Come on, how often do we hear this well known maxim? Sounds good, but it struck me recently that this may be a dangerous idea for a BT to toy with. I mean that well known mindset that often takes over a BT usually soon after he first rediscovers his precious roots, which is something like “now I’m convinced let’s start on my pals/ family”.

However this is not the minefield I wish to go down as I’m sure any experienced BT has learnt this lesson to some extent. What seems to me to be a subtler issue which can land us in a similar mess is where someone close to us, but not yet observant, needs a yeshua. In such circumstances, the yetzer may try to convince us to use the “No atheist” idea and even come up with a suggestion that if our friend takes on to do something or refrain from doing something this may help give him the yeshua he needs. And if we’ve seen or heard Rav Amnon Yitzchak in action giving brachas out to the incredible sound of the thousands in the crowd shout “amen”, the Yetzer may have a field day trying to get us to copy him.
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What Am I Missing?

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By Chaya

I recently received a mass email from an old (non-Jewish) friend announcing that she is leaving town to start graduate school at a prestigious university. The message, an invitation to a good-bye party was filled with inside jokes and language specific to the young hipster enclave where she has lived for the past couple of years. I felt a pang of loss and resentment.

I am 25 years old. I became religious at 18, met my husband a year later, and married him four years ago. My entire adult life has been defined by mitzvah observance.

I am grateful. I have single BT friends in their forties. I know how much easier it is to make it in the frum world, and indeed the world in general when you have someone to love and support and to support you.
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Maybe G-d Wants Me to Have a Hummer

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A few months back, on the way to work, my car started overheating big time. I pulled off the highway and into the closest service station. Since I had a meeting to attend, I called my assistant to pick me up and left the car at the shop. A few hours later, I received that dreaded call; a blown head gasket. That basically meant that I needed a new engine, not an inexpensive proposition. (I have, figuratively, blown a gasket in the past but never realized how expensive it could be!) I wasn’t so sure that I wanted to spring for a new engine since I had just replaced it aproximately a year earlier. So, I have been renting a car and mulling over the decision. Just a few days ago, I decided I should go for the new engine but I hadn’t yet dropped the car off at the mechanic.

This past Friday morning, shortly after arriving at shul, my cell phone buzzed. Now, I’m usually pretty good about ignoring my cell phone in shul. But, I saw that it was my home number and my wife knew that I had just arrived at shul so I thought perhaps it was an emergency. (One of my kids was home with a stomache virus as well)
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Some Torah Links

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It’s week one for Pirkei Avos and you can download an English translation here.

Over at Aish there are a lot of great pieces on Pirkei Avos authored by Beyond BT contributors Yaakov Astor and Yonason Goldson.

You can download Chaim Shulman’s Internet Parsha Sheet.

We offer our condolences to Rabbi Berel Wein on the recent passing of his wife, Mrs. Jackie Wein, a”h. Rabbi Wein has a good article this week titled, Torah Works Only If…

All You Need is Love, But What Exactly is It

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A friend who had read Rabbi Brody’s latest post, thought it was Covey-esque. In the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Covey describes a situation where a person was complaining that he was growing apart from his wife and Covey kept on insisting, well then “Just Love Her”. Covey’s point was that love is a verb and it’s totally within our power to increase our love for another person.

Rabbi Noach Weinberg gives the following definition of Love: “The pleasure of identifying people with their virtues.” This identification leads to connection and since everyone has virtues, it is possible to increase our love and connect with every person.

As I kept on rereading Rabbi Brody’s post, I saw more and more the wisdom of the advice he was giving. I was focusing on the good advice, that improvement of Dennis situation was greatly dependent on him improving his attitude and actions, and less focused on whether I shared his exact views on the value of outside counseling.
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Judging Fast Daveners Favorably

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By Todd Greenwald

I would like to share this D-Day story.

Growing up my family davened at an orthodox shul, although we were more traditional. Every Motzae Yom Kippur, the shul asked the same person to daven maariv. Why? Because he was fast!! Back then it was great. After I became frum it bothered me greatly. We should be davening that first maariv after Yom Kippur slowly with much concentration. One Yom Kippur I remarked to my father how it bothered me. He related the following story about this gentleman:

“It was D-Day and this gentleman was off the boat and in the water approaching the beach. People from his platoon were being killed all around him. As he was moving to shore he prayed to Hashem and said, G-d if you get me out of here alive, I will go to shul every day for the rest of my life. My father told me that the man was true to his word and attends shul everyday.”
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Baalei Teshuva and Aliyah

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It is no secret that the vast majority of Jews who make Aliyah by choice are orthodox. I have also noticed that Baalei Teshuva are a well represented subgroup among Olim. Of course, neither of these observations should be surprising. As orthodox Jews we know that our religious existence is incomplete while not living and serving G-d in our homeland. As Baalei Teshuva the process of Aliyah has much in common with our Teshuva process.

Like becoming frum, making Aliyah requires one to turn his life upside down and to make enormous changes based on, what is essentially, a leap of faith. Certainly, people can and will list dozens of tangible benefits as dividends of both of these endeavors. While some of these dividends may accrue to us, in the long run we know that we are doing these things simply because we believe that they are the right thing to do.

The search for truth that brings many Baalei Teshuva to Yidishkeit does not end when they become observant. Many BTs get “hooked” with a good kumsitz, torah codes, or rationalist explanations for the mitzvos. Once inside we come to understand that the bottom line is that we do what do because we believe that G-d gave us the Torah and its divine message is beyond our attempts to rationally explain it. This realization is what allows us to weather the many challenges we face. (Such as high tuition bills!)
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The Jewish Folk of Norfolk

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Hamodia started a new series this week in which they plan to feature in-depth looks at kiruv organizations around the world. The goal is to get people involved by informing their cousins, co-workers, neighbors and friends of the events going on in their area.

This week they spotlighted the Norfolk Area Community Kollel and their Director of Programming & Community Relations, Rabbi Gershon Litt, who became observant himself at the University of Texas under the guidance of Rabbi Yehoshua Sauer.

Norfolk is home to 11,000 Jews (about 5% of the total population), 120 of whom attend Shabbos services on a weekly basis at the Orthodox Shul, Bnai Israel Congregation under the guidance of Rabbi Chaim Silver.

Rabbi Litt advises us to heed the words of Harav Moshe Feinstein who enjoined us to maaser (tithe) our time and resources to Klal Yisroel. We should be constantly looking for opportunities to draw people closer. It’s a very timely problem, especially in a place like Norfolk where the intermarriage rate is 93%.

Creating Unity and Harmony Instead of Reacting to Strife and Conflict

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B”H

Creating Unity and Harmony Instead of Reacting to Strife and Conflict
A Singular Approach for Common BT Challenges

Whether you are dealing with family, struggling with secular influences vs. Torah values, observing Judaism in the workplace, deciding which parenting methodology is most effective, finding the balance between “being machmir” [strict observance of Jewish law] or “being maykel” [permitted leniencies in Jewish law], discussing Israeli politics or the Arab/Israeli “conflict”, the roles of men and women in Judaism, identifying with a particular Jewish sect, etc. – there seems to be no shortage of issues which finds the BT under the gun and under fire. What often starts for the BT as an exploration of spirituality, happiness and Jewish identity turns into a three ring circus of hopping from one confrontational issue to the next.

Consider the following scenarios:

You’re frum and your family isn’t (yet). Thanksgiving is coming. How do you deal with the “issues”? Your uncle is “married” to a non-jew (G-d forbid) and they are throwing a “bar-mitzvah” for their son or perhaps your younger sister is having her bas-mitzvah in a Reform Temple – do you attend? You start being challenged by your relatives on issues regarding Judaism – in addition to the issues of Shabbos, shomer negiah and kashrus – Reform vs Conservative vs Reconstructionist vs Orthodox get thrown into the fray – do you feel a burning drive to “stand up” for the honor of the Torah? Your parents want you to finish your college degree whereas you want to go to Yeshivah or seminary – what do you do? Are you bound and determined to show everyone “the light”?
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Hakaros HaTov for D-Day

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Today is D-Day the commemoration of the Allied attack on Europe that established a literal beach head for eventual Allied victory. It is a day of importance to all Americans. As Jews, it is of additional import as it set the stage for the eventual liberation of the concentration camps some six months later. Many of our brave soldiers that stormed the beaches on D-Day liberated the camps. Whatever the failures, and they are many, of our government in regard to turning a blind eye to the atrocities being committed by the Nazis, blame cannot be laid at the feet of our soldiers.

Here are the words of Staff Sergeant John N. Petro who liberated Dachau with the 42nd “Rainbow” Division, 232 Infantry, E Company:

Initially, the prisoners thought they were dreaming. “They could not believe it was true that after so long, they were finally being liberated.” The liberated looked like the dead. “They were skeletons,” he told me. It was only later that fear gave way to joy.

We salute Staff Sergeant Petro and all of his brethren.

Blood of Milah: Why are You Waiting?

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By David Geltzer

I am forty-one but I am like a fifteen year-old. I had my tipas dom bris (the blood drop of a bris) after becoming frum and learning in yeshiva for five years. No one told me to do it but when I read that a bris milah impinges on one’s ability to learn Torah I made my decision. I got my milah Erev Shavuos by a respected mohel and that year I was admitted to a Yeshiva Gedolah that same year. My parents had a reconstructionist (I didn’t know they existed in the sixties) perform my bris.

For several years when I brought up this topic it was always dismissed. I eventually took Hillel’s words to heart, “If your not for yourself who will be for you and if not now when” This is one of the two positive commandments that when unfulfilled gets kores (spiritual excommunication), so why risk transgressing this commandment – it is not expensive, it doesn’t hurt and they don’t do metzitza b’peh! I don’t recommend doing it yourself, as I was originally told to do, as there are halachos how to do it. As one could imagine, I was discouraged from sharing what I did with others but I remember now Hillel’s other statement, “If I am only for myself who am I.”

Note: Our Rabbinic advisors advise that people should consult an Orthodox Rabbi to determine what, if any, action to take in this regard.

Answers About Questions – A Primer on Seeking Rabbinical Guidance

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We’ve seen a few posts and comments here and elsewhere in recent weeks on when it is appropriate to ask a Rav a question outside of the halachic (does this dairy fork need to be koshered?) realm. We decided to repost this article by noted Menahel, speaker and Beyond BT Advisor, Rabbi Yakov Horowitz which strikes a nice balance between developing your own Torah wisdom and asking for advice.

Dear Readers:

As so many posts and comments on this site relate to the importance of finding a rebbi/rebbitzen/mentor who can offer direction (and one who understands Ba’al Teshuva issues), I would like to share with our readers an article that I wrote on this complex subject which was recently published in the Jewish Observer.

A few points, please:

1) The article was written for the general Torah Observant community, not particularly for Ba’alei Teshuvah.

2) I find that getting poor advice – or not having a clear understanding of the mechanics and hashkafa (Torah philosophy) of seeking such guidance – is often worse than getting no advice at all.

3) In the article, I did not touch upon the issue of halacha vs. chumrah (what is halachically mandated as opposed to what would be considered to be ‘above and beyond the call of duty’ as far as halacha is concerned). I think that this is an important issue that probably deserves an entire article. These distinctions are especially critical for ‘newer’ Ba’alei Teshuva who may not yet be attuned to the nuances between halacha and chumrah.
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Should BTs be Doing Kiruv?

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One thing I have learned from reading Beyond BT for approximately five months now is that it is impossible to box all BTs into one group or category and make generalizations about them. Some of our bloggers and readers have been frum 1 year or less, some are not yet completely Shomer Shabbos but are interested, some are past their 20-year point; some have settled into a modern-Orthodox community, some are black-hat yeshivish, some chassidish, some dati leumi, some in-between; some are rabbonim or in klei kodesh, some are struggling in the world of commerce, some are busy wives and mothers, and some are working at jobs paying a high-level parnassa.

To answer the question, therefore, should BTs be Doing Kiruv, and how much, would of course depend on which group of individuals one is addressing. However, there is one advantage to doing some amount of kiruv that everyone (BT or FFB) can benefit from, and that is that it reinforces in oneself, and teaches one’s children, the answers to the larger questions of Yiddishkeit which newcomers inevitably ask, such as “Why be Jewish (or Orthodox),” “How do I know it’s true,” and so on.
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Rabbi Brody on the BT Blues – The Uncooperative Spouse

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Rabbi Brody posts the following question and answer from a reader and thought it would be of interest to the Beyond BT audience.

Dear Rabbi Brody,

I’ve been a Baal Tshuva for almost a year and a half now. Before I made Tshuva, my relations with my wife were shaky at best, and tense most of the time. Now, they’re even worse. She doesn’t want to hear about Torah or tshuva. All she seems interested in is fun and games – DVDs, tennis, girlfriends. I see no hope in this marriage; when I’m in shul, she’s playing tennis with a girlfriend. We’ve tried marriage counseling, but it hasn’t done anything other than depleting my available cash. Luckily, our three-year old son is not in school yet, but that’s the next potential battle down the line – how to educate him. Both her parents and my parents are against me. I need some urgent advice. Waiting to hear from you as soon as possible, Dennis C., Southern USA.

Dear Dennis,

Your wife isn’t against Torah – she’s against you and anything you represent. If you started playing tennis, she’d probably start horseback riding. The first thing you have to do is to learn how to be a loving and considerate husband. For that, you need emuna.

Don’t despair, and don’t fall into a self-pity mode. Now’s that time to mobilize and take positive action. If you play your cards right, everything will fall into place. This is a classic test of faith. Stop wasting money on marriage counseling, for if the counselor doesn’t help you strengthen your emuna, then nothing will change.

With emuna and patience, you’ll have just the home you want. From this moment on, do the following with no excuses and no compromises:
Read more Rabbi Brody on the BT Blues – The Uncooperative Spouse ›