Appreciating Healthy Torah Values

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Rabbi Avraham Edelstein, a founder and director of Ner LeElef has recently written a good article titled Between a Good Living and a Good Life about the many positive attributes of the Israeli Haredi community.

It should be pointed out that even the staunchest American Yeshivish communities in Lakewood and Monsey differ in many ways from Israeli Haredi society. However many BTs and FFBs across the Modern and Yeshivish spectrums share the values that Rabbi Edelstein highlights, such as the valuing of spirituality over materialism:

As far as values go, the Haredi community gets it right. It is family, and it is the spiritual that count. Seen in this light, the high level of scholarship of the Torah is a part of a healthy and admirable core. In a world where the millionaire is king, we ought to be finding out some of the secrets of a community which seems genuinely disinterested in materialism.

The second major area where BTs share Haredi values are in their appreciation of Torah. We came to Judaism because of the Torah and we continue to work hard to learn and live a Torah life. Here’s Rabbi Edelstein on Torah:

But, in the midst of all of this change, let’s not lose sight of the true values that Haredim bring to the table. Haredim truly believe in the Torah as the central force upholding the Jewish people. On that, we are a part of a broad consensus. Ben Gurion (not usually seen as sympathetic to Judaism) says in his memoirs that there are three pillars of the Jewish people: the Torah, the land and the Hebrew language. The number of secular Israelis who engage in at least weekly Torah study, numbers in the many tens of thousands. Haredim are not unique in adhering to this value. They are unique in the lengths to which they are willing to go to achieve this and what they are willing to give up in the process.

Unfortunately, there is currently much divisiveness among Jews, and it’s very helpful to constantly recognize the common spiritual values most Torah Observant Jews share. Please read Rabbi Edelstein’s article for his thoughts on how to approach some of the issues facing Israeli society.

Do You Have An Adult OTD Son/Daughter, Spouse/Ex, or Sibling?

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For over a decade, our staff members at Project YES have been counseling the immediate family members of teenagers and/or adults who are no longer observant (commonly referred to as OTD “Off the Derech” [Derech is the Hebrew word for path]).

In nearly all instances, we very strongly advise parents and siblings to maintain close relationships with their OTD family member and we have found that to be the best course of action on many levels. (See our December 2007 Essay in Mishpacha Magazine Should We Keep Our At-Risk Child At Home? for more on this.)

Of all the challenges to the family unit that are generated when an adult member goes OTD, perhaps the most stressful and potentially damaging scenario is when a father or mother of children who are school-age or younger becomes non-observant. If it takes the wisdom of King Solomon to resolve custody and visitation issues of children whose parents are on the same page religiously, just imagine how complex the situation becomes when the two parents have very differing views.

Over the past few weeks, Project YES has been exploring the possibility of conducting invitation-only meetings/workshops with family members faced with situations similar to those described above. We reached out to both frum and OTD parents who are engaged in these types of custody battles, a family court judge and two attorneys and feel that real progress can be made moving forward if all parties remain flexible and keep the children’s needs in mind above all else.

If you are interested in attending a meeting/workshop of this nature and live in the metro New York area, kindly drop us an email at projectyesworkshop@gmail.com. Someone from our office will get back to you and all correspondence will be treated in the strictest confidence.

We hope this initiative will help more children and adults lead happy and productive lives. Please pass this on to anyone who might benefit from this.

Yakov Horowitz
Director, Center for Jewish Family Life/Project YES

P.S. For more background………………..

In February 2009 we posted the article Shlomo Hamelech For A Day asking our readers for their thoughts on the matter of custody when one spouse is no longer observant. If we needed proof that this was an important issue that needed to be addressed, we got it very quickly from the 12,000+ views that piece generated and the 131 comments posted by our readers.

Comment #25 on the thread was written by “Tortured Dad” – the non-observant father who originally contacted me. Read his post and many of the others to better understand the complexity of this matter.

In response, I posted Comment #30 on the thread “Introducing You to Tortured Dad” and #77 & #79 on “Arranged Marriages.” Noted therapist Dr. Benzion Twerski wrote a number of posts that are worthy of review (#71, 80, 86, 105 & 114.)

The matter of Adults at Risk is one that has been on the radar of Project YES for many years now. The first of the 40+ essays we ran in Mishpacha Magazine The Chinuch Challenges of Our Generation alluded to it, and it was addressed in subsequent columns we published in Mishpacha and The Jewish Press over the past few years: Exit Interviews, All Dressed Up With Nowhere To Go, Running Out Of Time (see the many links there). We also wrote Risk Factors for At-Risk Teens to inform parents of the leading risk factors for kids/adults abandoning religion from our vantage point.

We hope you find this content educational and helpful.

The Great BTs Behind The Recent Women’s Prayer Gathering

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Jonathan Rosenblum has a great column this week called the The Feminist Story the Media Missed at the Kotel. He chronicles the planned peaceful prayer gathering of women and girls across the national religious-haredi spectrum that occurred on Rosh Chodesh Sivan.

As it turns out, Ronit Peskin (who blogs here) and Leah Aharoni (who blogs here) are BTs who have met the same challenges many of us face in paving their own path of Torah observance:

Neither Peskin nor Aharoni are mainstream haredi. Peskin, 25, home schools her three young children, teaches women how to forage for edible food growing wild, and runs a website called Penniless Parenting, on how to keep down the family food budget, which receives 60-70,000 hits worldwide a month.

In response to the boast of WoW founder Susan Aranoff that WoW seeks to liberate haredi women so that they can “function religiously . . . without the ‘help’ of men,” Peskin describes her religious journey from her modern Orthodox upbringing in Cleveland to “quasi-chareidi” — i.e., strict in halachic observance, a cross between “Litvak” and Chassidic,” accepting of people from different backgrounds, and open to the outside world — including a rebellious teenage period of no observance in between. Her religious search forced her to become financially independent at 17.

Of her current life, she writes, “It was a path I chose, and fought lots of obstacles to get there. I don’t live this way because I haven’t witnessed alternatives. I’ve witnessed them and rejected them, and made the choice to live as I do because I find it the most meaningful type of life for me. Implying that I’m doing what I do merely because I’m subjugated by men is insulting to me, insulting my intelligence, insulting to the men I love, and insulting to the entire population of Chareidi women. . . . I don’t need you to rescue me. . . .”

Aharoni is firmly in the national religious camp, and makes her living as a business consultant helping “female business owners create more income doing work they love.” She too traveled a long religious path from her native Soviet Union – a path that started in a Reform Temple and included a period of time in the congregation of Rabbi Avi Weiss, a leading figure in Orthodox feminism.

She finds “the epitome of misogyny,” in WoW’s “rejection of the feminine Jewish experience.” “There is nothing more demeaning to women than positioning the male experience as the only one worth living and setting up women for an ongoing game of catch-up. . . . I have liberated myself from the need to predicate my identity on becoming ‘one of the boys.”

Read R’ Rosemblum’s whole article to get more inspiration and a deeper appreciation of these two amazing women.

The Ramchal on the Yomim Tovim

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[5] The Highest Wisdom also decreed to give Israel additional sanctity by granting them holy days other than Shabbos, when the Jew receives various levels of holiness. None of these holy days, however, have as much Influence and sanctity as Shabbos.

The degree to which a person must abstain from worldly occupations on these days depends on the level of their Influence. Various types of work are therefore forbidden on many of these days.

Yom Kippur is the highest of these holy days, and therefore the prohibition against work is the most severe.

Below this are the other festivals, and on a still lower level, their intermediate days (Choi ha-Mo’ed).

Lower yet is the New Moon (Rosh Chodesh), when only women abstain from work.

Finally, there are Chanukah and Purim, when work is not curtailed at all. On Chanukah thanks are offered, and in addition to this, Purim is a time of joy. All these levels depend on the particular sustenance granted, which is the spiritual Light that shines on that particular day.

[6] Besides the sanctification that exists to various degrees depending on the holiness of each particular day, there is another concept that is specific to each one.

On each of these special days, something happened whereby at this time a great rectification was accomplished and a great Light shone. The Highest Wisdom decreed that on every anniversary of this period, a counterpart of its original Light should shine forth, and the results of its rectification renewed to those who accept it.

We are therefore commanded to observe Pesach with all its rituals to recall the Exodus. At the time of the Exodus, we experienced an extremely great rectification, and therefore, on the anniversary of this event, there shines forth a Light that parallels the one that illuminated us then. Since the results of that rectification are renewed in us, we are obliged to keep all these rituals.

Shavuos likewise involves a great rectification, since it is the time when the Torah was given.

Sukkos involves the Clouds of Glory, as it is written (Vayikra 23:43), “That future generations may know that I made the children of Israel dwell in sukkos Even though this is not celebrated on the anniversary of the Exodus, the Torah set a time that is appropriate for its commemoration.

Chanukah and Purim also involve this same concept. The is true of the days mentioned in the Scroll of Fasts (Me. Ta’anis). These were annulled, however, because the could not abide by them, and were therefore exempted commemorating them to stimulate their original light.

Translation from the Way of G-d – Feldheim

Here are the dates and approximate year of the Yomim Tovim

3924 BCE – Creation of the physical universe

3924 BCE – Creation of man: – Rosh Hoshana (1st of Tishrei)

3924 BCE – Rest from Creation – Shabbos

1476 BCE – Exodus from Egypt – Passover – 1st day (15th of Nissan)

1476 BCE – Splitting of Red Sea – Passover – last day (22th of Nissan)

1476 BCE – Receiving Torah at Mount Sinai – Shavuos (6th of Sivan)

1476 BCE – Golden Calf & Breaking of 1st Tablets- (17th of Tammuz)

1476 BCE – Second Set of Tablets – Yom Kippur (10th of Tishrei)

1476 BCE – Return of Clouds of Protection – Succos (15th of Tishrei)

Are You Still A BT?

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In common parlance, a BT is someone who became observant later in life. By that measurement, once a BT, always a BT. This usually means that we have to handle delicate situations with non-frum relatives, have lived a more secular life at some point, and we made a clear choice to become Torah Observant.

Another factor that makes you a BT, is that a some point you were deficient in Torah knowledge. This deficiency can be overcome, and it’s always a marvel to look at Rabbi Akiva and the 24 years he spent learning intensely, on his road to becoming perhaps the great Halachic Authority in the past 2,000 years. Of course we don’t need to learn exclusively for 24 years, but if we want to learn at high levels of Torah understanding, we have to make great efforts and put in a lot of time.

The third BT factor that comes to mind is integration into the community. To some, the ability to make people think you’re not a BT, as long as you don’t talk in learning, is a great worthwhile accomplishment. Others feel that as long as you’re a well functioning member of your community, it doesn’t matter if people know you’re a BT. Whereas others are proud to be a BT with all the accomplishment and positive growth orientation it brings. They’re not looking over their shoulders worrying about what others think.

So, are you still a BT?

Will you be comfortable if you’re known to be a BT your entire life?

Are you working on diminishing any aspects of your BT-ness?

All Dressed Up…

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Years back, as I was beginning to become more observant, I had the opportunity to learn for a few months at a Yeshiva in Yerushalayim. I was fortunate to have found a chavrusah who was a great guy and at a similar stage in life; becoming more observant, thirsting for growth while struggling to maintain balance. We would learn Hilchos Brochos together, play soccer and trade our inchoate philosophical insights late into the night.

We both returned home to the States shortly before Succos that year. Not long after, he called to ask me to join him for the last days of yom tov at a family friend in Monsey. I gladly agreed.

As newly minted Baalei Teshuvah, we were quite concerned that our lulavim be well protected during the long bus ride from Port Authority in Manhattan to Monsey. We gingerly wrapped our respective lulavim in a manner that we hoped would provide proper cushioning. We cringed at each jostling of the crowd and we silently prayed that our carefully selected specimen would not be damaged or, worse, rendered unusable. Upon reaching Monsey, we carefully disembarked with our precious cargo and when we finally reached our host’s home we were both proud and relieved that we had protected our lulavim throughout the journey.
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The Primacy of Torah and Mesorah

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In line with my work at my School Management Software company, InfoGrasp, I had the privilege of attending the Torah Umesorah convention at the Split Rock Resort in the Poconos this past Shabbos. It was a wonderful experience of learning, shmoozing, sharing meals, davening and spending Shabbos with 1,800 Torah-first Jews.

I had the pleasure of spending some time with Rabbi Horowitz, one of Beyond BT’s Rabbinic Advisors, who mentioned that the second volume of the Bright Beginnings series was just released. Among the many hats that Rabbi Horowitz wears, is his dedication to help Jews learn Torah, by giving them tools for skills based learning. He related an anecdote of a BT who had tried to learn Hebrew for many years and was helped tremendously by the first Bright Beginnings sefer. Although the BB series is geared for children in the younger grades in Yeshivos, there was a special sparkle in his eye in the fact that these efforts were also helping BTs thirsting for Torah.

The whole convention is focused on helping Jews learn, understand, embrace and live a life of Torah. The majority of participants are Rebbeim and Morahs who are constantly looking to improve their learning, avodah and chinuch. Many of the the leading Roshei Yeshiva of America, including Rabbi Shmuel Kamenetsky, Rabbi Malkiel Kotler, Rabbi Yaakov Perlow, Rabbi Mattisyahu Salomon, Rabbi Aharon Feldman, Rabbi Avrohom Chaim Levin and Rabbi Dovid Harris addressed the critical issues of the day including teaching reponsibility, individualizing chinuch, showing love, being careful when rebuking, and just about every other chinuch issue you can imagine.

To highlight the fact that today’s students have to be treated much more carefully then in the past, a well-respected Rabbi and Teacher related a story about his high school graduation. The valedictorian was the student with the best grades who gave a serious dvar Torah. The salutatorian was chosen by his peers and gave a humorous portion followed by a dvar Torah. The speaker, who was the salutatorian, related that in the middle of his humorous section the Rosh Yeshiva shouted out, “Smith, I had higher expectations for you”. Can you imagine the effects of such a comment today? He finished his salutatorian speech with a strong Dvar Torah to which the Rosh Yeshiva gave a hardy Yasher Koach.

This year the guests from Eretz Yisroel included Mrs. Rena Tarshish, a former American, who is now the head of the Mesores Rochel Seminary in Yerushaliyim. My wife said she mesmerized the women with her explanations of how to approach Medrashim and how to properly channel your emotions, among other topics.

Another guest from Eretz Yisroel was Rabbi Yaakov Hillel, one of the leading Kabbalists of our generation. Rabbi Hillel has written Faith and Folly: The Occult in Torah Perspective, a clear and concise guide explaining Kabbalistic practices and what is sanctioned and what is forbidden today. He also has a sefer, Ascending Jacob’s Ladder, which has essays on Shabbos, Yom Tov, Prayer, Teshuvah, Torah Study, the Jewish home and the Wisdom of the Kabbalah. It’s a personal favorite, so it was a special treat to hear him speak.

He included a thought, that he had related at the Siyum HaShas, from Rabbi Chaim Voloshin. It says in the Chumash that at the giving of the Torah the Jewish people heard what was seen and saw what was heard. Seeing refers to what we can experience through our senses, while hearing refers to what we can’t sense, but can only understand by way of a moshol. Normal we can physically sense and see the physical world, but we can only understand the spiritual world through mosholim. At the giving of the Torah, there was a reversal and the Jewish People could sense the spiritual world as if it was physical, and could only understand the physical world through mosholim. He stressed that one of the things we need today, is to try to view the world through a spiritual lens, and we need truly learned people to guide us on that path. We must be careful to not fall prey to the Pop Spirituality that is prominent in our time.

As BTs we gave up many secular pursuits to live a Torah-first life. It’s encouraging to know that there are thousands of students, teachers, Rebbeim and Roshei Yeshiva who are focused on a Torah-first life of growth, learning, teaching and serving Hashem, like we are. And they’re available here to help us and our children live a life of Torah and Mesorah.

Have You Ever Read or Recommended “This is My G-d” By Herman Wouk?

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Although dated February 21, 2012, we just recently stumbled upon this article, Modern Times which describes the publication of Herman Wouk’s wildly popular This Is My G-d in 1959.

Rabbi Yitzchak Kirzner zt”l recommended this book for a first exposure to Judaism and after giving it to a friend, he exclaimed that this was the first book you gave me that I could actually get through.

Have you ever read the book?

Have you ever recommended it?

What did you like or not like about it?

Why Not Get Yourself an Internet Parsha Rebbe

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Many observant Jews believe in the primacy of Torah and the necessity to never stop learning and growing. However, it’s often hard to find the right class at the right time by the right teacher. If you’re looking to learn the Parsha, your problem is solved. You can find yourself an Internet Parsha Rebbe.

I’ve been listening to Rabbi Ari Kahn for over a year. I love his breadth of sources, his choice of topics, his development of the shiur and the fact that his New York sense of humor is still intact many years after leaving the American shores for Eretz Yisroel. I also really appreciate that he makes his shiurim easily accessible for free on his web site.

Even though I don’t commute to work, I get to listen to 2-3 of Rabbi Kahn’s shiurim a week on the way to and from Shul and while stretching and getting dressed in the morning and evening. I’ve also added Rabbi Daniel Feldman and Rabbi Herschel Schacter who have many free shiurim available on that treasure house, known as YUTorah.org. There are 10s of speakers there, each with their own style, delivery and approach to teaching parsha.

If you like a fast paced, Chassidish sourced shiur, you might want to try Rabbi Sitorsky. Another good free source with a variety of speakers is Torah Anytime. Google will direct you to many other free Torah mp3 sites, as well as sites that still charge.

Hearing a parsha shiur from a teacher is a fantastic way to learn and with the great availability and affordability of audio on phones and other portable devices, why not sample a few shiurim to find your personal Parsha Rebbe.

Links for 4/25 – Successful Shul Dinners, Studying Orthodox Education, Koreans Love the Talmud

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Running a Successful Shul Dinner: Between getting an honoree, a caterer, a journal, and short speeches, it’s not easy, but it’s a great event for fundraising and achdus.

Orthodox Schooling: What Do We Know?: YU’s Azrieli School of Jewish Education begins studying how the experiences of observant life play out in the context of families, schools, Israel programs, and campuses.

Samsung Korea VP Visits Yeshiva to Help Koreans Learn Talmud: The South Koreans believe that high academic Jewish achievement is linked to Talmud study, and are increasingly adding it to their education curriculum.

How the Charedi and Modern Worlds Can Learn to Appreciate Each Other

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When our children were young, we would buy their Shabbos clothes in Willamsburg. As we entered the neighborhood, I was amazed at the number of chesed activities that were being conducted by the children and the posters for shiurim, drashos and commuity events of interest. For many years, we have also attended simchos in Williamsburg. Once, we left around 10:00 P.M. We started driving home and I noticed a tremendous number of Chassidishe Yidden on their way to shul for Maariv. Likewise, the renaissance of the observance of Shatnez began in Williamsburg after WW2. In a similar vein, anyone who has had a relative hospitalized in a hospital in New York City will always see a Satmar Bikur Cholim bus parked nearby. Likewise, Hatzalah’s members are always at any hospital’s emergency room. There is no doubt that all of these wonderful acts of chesed began in the heartland of the Charedi world and have spread to other Orthodox communities.

Now, let’s look at some other Charedi/yeshivishe communities. My favorite is an “out of town” community-the Park Heights section of Baltimore. One finds a community devoted to Torah, Avodah and Gmilus Chasadim on a 24/7 basis. It is also a community that interacts with the secular Jewish establishment in a very positive manner. Yet, as in any major frum community, the issues of chinuch, kids at risk, shidduchim and the next generation’s economic wherewithal are present.
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Thoughts From a Mekarev in the Field

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By Rabbi Meir Goldberg
Reprinted with permission of Mishpacha Magazine

It was with great enthusiasm that I eagerly read the recent edition of Klal Perspectives, kiruv edition. After reading many of the articles and especially the responses by R’ Adlerstein and R’ Ilan Feldman, I was hoping to respond with the some thoughts of a typical mekarev in the field.

The older generation of mekarvim often wax poetic of the kiruv glory days which started sometime after the six day war and ended in the early 90’s. Rav Noach Weinberg’s dream of changing the world was, to a large extent, successful in that tens of thousands became frum and so many more were reconnected in some meaningful way, to their heritage. However, the dream of the first generation of mekarvim, that they would somehow make the whole world frum, was never realistic.

The simple fact is that becoming frum is an extremely hard thing for most people to do. The very same reason why Jews are a tiny minority among the nations is the very reason why the teshuva movement was never destined to become a mass movement. Changing ones habits, surroundings, dress, friends, personal image, the way one relates to ones family, culture, etc, is not for the faint of heart. To be a baal teshuva by definition, means that you are sailing into the wind and that is not something that the masses can do. As an FFB I often ask myself and others if we would realistically ever consider becoming a Satmar Chassid even if we thought that it was what Hashem wanted? To go from secular to frum is much harder.
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Links for 4/18 – Letting it Slide, BQE Connects Expensive Cities, Reaching Teens

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Emotional Bank Accounts and Letting it Slide – We let friend’s actions slide, because emotional bank account deposits have been made. With a nice postscript.

Brooklyn Is the Second Most Expensive Place to Live in the U.S. Manhattan, Brooklyn, San Francisco, San Jose, Honolulu, Queens and Stamford are the top 7 most expensive.

Effective Strategies for Educating and Engaging (non religious) Jewish Teens – 64 pages find location, relationships, flexible involvement, young staff, acceptance, focus, funding are keys.

Who’s Cracked the Code on Frum Finances?

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After reading “Financial Realities in the Frum World”, “Introducing Your Children to the Financial Realities of Frum Life” and “Changing the Language of the Tuition Debate” – there were many questions, some answers and nothing really conclusive other than there needs to be a change in “the system”.

The whole tuition debate brings to my mind a larger question – how are people making it through the major milestones of frum life and what are people earning that they can exist on a year to year basis?! The numbers boggle the mind & do not seem to add up. If it’s a challenge to pay basic bills and tuition is “killing people” – now add in summer camp?! Then there comes the major frum milestones of bar-mitzva, Yeshiva|Seminary, chassonas and post-chassona set-up – how are people accomplishing this? Credits cards, tzedukah, home equity or ?????

Being in IT, I earn a decent income, B”H – yet we are just barely scraping by with no real money to put away in savings. It doesn’t seem to me that the majority of the frum world is earning 100K – some are certainly earning much more and I believe that they are in the 10% minority. $200K seems to be a very real guestimate as the needed income based on being able to live a middle class lifestyle, afford tuition, summer camp and be able to put away a few thousand per year to save for the major frum milestones.
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Strengthening the Spiritual Side – A Place Between Latitudinarianism and Orthodox or Bust

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Professor Jack Wertheimer recently penned a good article in Commentary Magazine called The Outreach Revolution. Although he clearly read the Klal Perspective’s issue on the subject, he adds much worthy information to the discussion and his extremely positive assessment of the Kiruv enterprise was a refreshing change from KPs gloomier editorial assessment.

By fully including Chabad in the Outreach Revolution, Wertheimer states that 5,000-7,000 Kiruv workers in the US, lead an estimated 2,000 Jews to Orthodoxy each year, which comes to about 1 Orthodox person for every 3 kiruv workers. He also makes the point that Chabad and many other Kiruv professionals don’t consider Orthodoxy the goal of Kiruv, and by assuming that each Kiruv worker reaches about 100 people a year, outreach touches 500,000-700,000 Jews a year, an impressive figure.
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Today is Yom Ha’atzmaut

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Yom Ha’atzmaut (Hebrew: יום העצמאות‎ yōm hā-‘aá¹£mā’ūṯ) is the national independence day of Israel, commemorating its declaration of independence in 1948.

Celebrated annually on or around the 5th of the Jewish month of Iyar, it centers around the declaration of the state of Israel by David Ben Gurion in Tel Aviv on May 14, 1948 (5 Iyar, 5708), and the end of the British Mandate of Palestine.

It is always preceded by Yom Hazikaron, the Israeli Fallen Soldiers and Victims of Terrorism Remembrance Day on the 4th of Iyar.

An official ceremony is held every year on Mount Herzl, Jerusalem on the evening of Yom Ha’atzmaut. The ceremony includes a speech by the speaker of the Knesset (the Israeli Parliament), a dramatic presentation, a ritual march of soldiers carrying the Flag of Israel, forming elaborate structures (such as a Menorah, Magen David and a number which represents the age of Israel) and the lighting of twelve torches (one for each of the Tribes of Israel). Every year a dozen Israeli citizens, who made a significant social contribution in a selected area, are invited to light the torches.

From Wikipedia
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