Yom Kippur is the most awesome and powerful day of the year. We’ve identified four approaches to maximizing the potential of the day.

1) Judgment Sealed
Our judgment is sealed on Yom Kippur and the circumstances of the upcoming year will be determined.

2) Day of Kapora
The blemishes that result from our transgressing negative commandments (which are not punishable by koreis or worse), can be removed only on Yom Kippur.

3) Getting Close to Hashem
The spiritual nature of the day, the fact that we refrain from most physical activities (eating, drinking, washing,…), and being immersed in prayer brings the greatest opportunity to getting close to Hashem.

4) Attachment to the Tzibbur
The common pursuit of a full day of spiritual growth, the plural language of the confession and prayers and the communal singing/davening enables us to deepen our connection to our Tzibbur and to the entire Klal Yisrael.

All of the above can motivate us to truly commit to change and intensify our Teshuva and Tefillah.

Which of the above do you find motivating?
Are there other focal points that help you maximize the day?

Hi guys,

I was wondering if any BBT readers have advice about what I should do regarding my 13 year old cousin. She has made quite a few steps towards becoming frum, and now her mother (my aunt) is sabotaging her.

The other day, my aunt forced her to try on and purchase a pair of jean pants, and told my cousin that she has to wear them to a school dance (with both boys and girls in attendance). This is after pulling my cousin out of a Orthodox day school because she was concerned that my cousin was becoming “too extreme.”

I’d like to support her, but at the same time, I don’t want to over step and make her home life more stressful than it is.

What do you think I should do in this situation?

–Fern

When I first became a BT, Teshuva was so easy. Over the course of 2 years, I was keeping Shabbos, Kosher, Davening regularly and performing all the seasonal mitzvos.

After 8 years it has become a lot harder to do Teshuva, even at this time of year. When I look over the last year, the changes are much smaller and were much more difficult to make.

Have other people experienced this change in Teshuva?

Are there a different set of tactics and goals at this later stage?

Is there anything special about the Teshuva of a BT at this point or am I now fighting the same battles that a FFB faces?

“Former Teshuva Master”

Dear Beyond BT

I’ve been learning over the phone with someone for over two years. He really enjoys the learning and our relationship is pretty good. Here are my questions:

Should I encourage him to do other mitzvos?

If so, which ones would you suggest?

How would you bring up the subject?

Thanks
Daniel

My 12 year old daughter has been asking us for a cell phone because everyone else has one. She also insists that she needs text messaging. I was wondering how the Beyond BT community has dealt with this issue.

Are the rules the same for boys because my 10 year old will be entering this parsha in a few years?

– SR

We all know the pain of being judged and treated as an inferior. Non observant Jews often feel that observant Jews are judging them because they don’t keep the mitzvos. In fact Aish HaTorah says this is one of the four most common reasons that people don’t seek to learn more about Torah Judaism. Aish suggests that we correct this perception by pointing out that only G-d can judge people, we can only judge specific actions like murder, stealing, etc..

But at the end of the day, doesn’t judging specific actions lead to feelings of being judged. It’s interesting to note that non observant people also judge us, but its seems we are less concerned about their judgment than the judgment they feel from us. Why is that?

So what attitudes and character traits can we strengthen to be less judgmental?

How can we get to the point where our acquaintances, friends and families don’t feel judged and thereby threaten by Torah Judaism?

The Bar Mitzvah is a very exciting time. However there are a lot of details. Can the Beyond BT crowd share some insight on the event and the following questions:

1) What are the factors in determining how much or little pressure to put on the Bar Mitzvah boy in terms of leining (Torah and/or Haftorah) and davening?

2) What are the options for the learning and siyum that usually accompanies the Bar Mitzvah?

3) Should I or someone I know, write a pilpul-like drasha or is a solid Dvar Torah more appropriate?

4) What are the considerations in inviting secular friends and family for Shabbos and for the Party?

5) What are the considerations on spending on Tefillin?

6) What should I expect to spend if I have the typical party and Shabbos meals?

7) What other advice would you give to make the Bar Mitzvah successful?

If you were already married when you made teshuva, did you decide to have another wedding that complied with halacha (i.e. an Orthodox wedding)?

Also, did you or your wife wait until having an Orthodox wedding to observe taharas hamishpacha and cover your hair?

When I was originally becoming observant I used to learn a few hours a day. I spent 6 months in Eretz Yisroel in Yeshiva, but even when I came back I was still learning at least 2 hours a day. Five years later, I have a pretty good knowledge in halacha and I’m down to about 30-45 minutes a day of learning.

Is this normal? Should I be learning more? If so, any suggestions on how to increase my learning?

– Ahron

Let’s say someone is considering whether or not to accept a given chumra (stringency). Let us use cholov yisroel as an example. He speaks to his rov, or rebbe, or mentor, and that person lays out the issues for him but ultimately says, as many rabbonim will in such a situation, “Those are the issues. You must make this choice for yourself.”

Now, the question: Is it appropriate for him to consider, when making the choice, that he enjoys the taste of cholov stam products? What if the rov did not include that among the factors to consider? Is it part of the question he should ask?

Note: We’re only using cholov yisroel as an example and we’re aware that segments of the Orthodox community consider this the halacha and not a chumra.

I’ve been in the frum community for over 12 years and I don’t see the goals of Torah articulated in a clear and consistent way.

Do we accept the premise that the goal of Torah and mitzvos is to come as close to G-d as possible and to help the entire world come close to G-d?

Do our Schools, Shuls and homes stress the goals of Torah, chesed and mitzvos is to get closer to Hashem or have these activities become disconnected from their ultimate goal?

“Gal Goalless”

Rabbi Dovid Orlofsky spoke in Kew Gardens Hills on Tuesday on “Uniting the Jewish People – Answering Difficult Questions”. It was an informative and entertaining shiur and through the wonders of TorahAnyTime.Com you can view it here.

As Baalei Teshuva we’ve all had our share of questions and issues that have bothered us and our friends, family and acquaintances.

What are the questions and issues that have bothered you or your acquaintances?

Do you think you have good answers to all your questions and issues?

Update: These are some of the questions and issues that seem to bother other people. Do you have any to add?

-Does the Chosen People imply that Jews are better than other people?
-Why do women seem to be treated as second class citizens in Torah Judaism?
-Why does Torah Judaism fault gays for their natural tendencies?
-Why do the innocent suffer and the wicked prosper?
-Why did G-d cause the Holocaust?
-Why is there evil in the world?
-Why is there so much suffering in the world?
-Aren’t animal sacrifices cruel?
-Why does Torah contradict scientific evidence of the Age of the Universe?
-Why does Torah contradict the widely accepted theory of evolution?
-Why is there no generally accepted scientific, historical or archaeological evidence of the flood?
-Why is there no generally accepted scientific, historical or archaeological evidence of the Exodus?
-Can you prove there is a G-d?
-How do you know Torah was really given by G-d at Sinai?
-If there are multiple accepted interpretations of Torah in the Talmud why are the interpretations of the Reform, Conservative and Reconstructionist excluded?
-Why do so many Torah Observant Jews look unhappy?
-Why do I have to give up so many pleasures to become Torah observant?
-Why do Torah observant Jews look down on non-observant Jews?
-If I can’t keep the whole Torah, isn’t keeping part of it hypocritical?
-If I don’t plan on becoming Torah observant, why should I study Torah?

Updated from the comments (with slight modifications)
-Why do some Orthodox Jews seem to make a big deal about keeping kosher and wearing a uniform, but are rude to people, cheat on their taxes, and do other forms of bad behavior?
-All these rules mean you don’t get to see your family on the holidays. Isn’t religion really about family and morality, rather than ritual?
-Isn’t religion supposed to unite us, rather than divide us?
-Why would G-d care if I drive on Saturday especially if I am coming to Shul? (this question fits almost anything, it just starts why would G-d care if I……………)
-We have good refrigeration and cooking facilities now so why not eat pork?
-Can’t I just be a “good person?”
-Isn’t it more important to honor your parents, so how can you not eat at their house anymore?
-Why do you have to be so Jewish?
-Why do we hear only success stories (like at Discovery or Aish or just about all the Kiruv sites) and not stories of those who were never reached, who stayed uninterested in Judaism despite all efforts?
-Isn’t it possible that the Pintele Yid will never manage to burst into flame?
-Why don’t I hear about other couples who remain at different levels and have to live with that difference forever?
-With so much focus on the success stories are we not neglecting the reality that a large percentage of Torah Observant Jews will have some awareness and relationship with Hashem, but it will nothing to write home about?

As a BT, I often get depressed around the yomim tovim. It seems that everyone else has immediate and extended family to share the holidays with. It’s even harder when you are single and don’t even have a spouse. Shavuous is particularly hard since I stay up to learn and come home to an empty quiet apartment. Anybody else get these “blues”?

– Daniel

Rabbi Horowitz recently requested input on What are the Greatest Threats to Yiddishkeit. Ezzie picked up on it here.

Let’s get the BT’s perspective:

What are the Greatest Threats to Torah Judaism?

Zev writes:

I have struggled for years with my tremendous desire to grow in learning. I was very fortunate to learn in 2 Yeshivas. Although I gained much in learning skills, I have felt stunted in my growth because I could not learn for more years.

I enjoy many areas of Torah learning, but I find it challenging to learn on my own and develop my own seder halimud (learning program) in order to be able to learn as much as I can.

Does anybody have any suggestions on what they have seen work?

There is a Mitzvah to bring people closer to Hashem whether they are observant or not. Many observant Jews feel that most if not all Jews would benefit greatly in this world and the next if they were Torah observant. On the other hand it seems unhealthy to view people as a target for your Kiruv files.

So how do you strike the proper balance of trying to bring a person closer to Hashem without turning them into a Kiruv file?

The Seder is less than a week aways so we thought it is appropriate to ask What’s Your Biggest Seder Issue? If anybody has any solutions to some of the problems it would be greatly appreciated.

1) Not enough extended family

2) Hard to give the second half of the seder its due after the third cup and the meal

3) Finding the right balance between vortloches, keeping the kids interested and inspiring ourselves to get the most out of the night

4) Trying to fulfill the mitzvos in the best possible way leads to eating a lot of matzoh and maror

5) None of the Above

When trying to show the beauty of Torah, we are faced with a dilemma: should we reveal or hide the imperfections of the Torah Observant community?

From our feedback here at Beyond BT, we know that many people feel we should hide the imperfections. They tell us quite clearly that they would never send a potential or new BT to this site. Their valid point is that people will focus on the imperfections of its adherents and not see the truth and beauty of Torah.

On the other hand the Torah and the Gemorra make it quite clear that the Jewish People have many blemishes that need to be corrected. Hiding this fact is not truthful and often leads to disillusionment down the road when the truth is discovered.

What do you think: Should we hide our imperfections or expose them to the non observant?

Everybody has a unique path in Torah Observance with their own victories and challenges. It’s often helpful to see what other peoples challenges were. So tell us in the comments:

What were the more difficult Mitzvos for you to take on?

What made it difficult?

What were the keys to success?

Here are some Mitzvos to think about:

Kashrus
Davening
Berachos
Taharas Mishpacha
Tzinus Dress
Regular learning
Reading the parsha twice with explanation
Not wasting time
Knowing there is a G-d
Loving G-d
Fearing G-d
Don’t go after your heart & eyes
Yom Tovim
Trust in G-d
Loving your neighbor as yourself
Loshon Hara
Giving the benefit of the doubt
Helping Others

Dear Beyond BT

Like many BTs, I was mekareved (brought to Torah observance) by a Yeshivish oriented institution. In my explorations on the Internet the past few years I have found many sites with a Chassidic flavor in which the authors are constantly working on themselves and their relationship with Hashem. I find this extremely motivating and it is where I want my Judaism to be.

I wanted to ask the Beyond BT audience, how important they think Chassidus is for a BT?

How would they suggest injecting some Chassidus into their lives?

Are their any obstacles on the path of integrating Chassidus?

Thanks
Michael