Simcha: A Sign of the Times

Posted on by — 6 Comments ↓

R’ Jared Viders
Ohr Somayach Monsey

Now that Shavous is in the rear view mirror, the days seem somewhat amorphous in the unfolding drama of the Jewish calendar. Whereas other seasons carry distinct flavors – be it the Teshuva of Elul in preparation of Rosh Hashanah or the 49 days of the Omer in preparation to Shavous – it’s difficult to identify a particular theme in the weeks and months to come.

Interestingly, Rav Ovadiah Bartinera – one of the foremost commentaries on the Mishna – (1450-1510) labels the days between Shavous and Sukkos as “times of joy” – an appellation which immediately strikes us as misplaced in light of the more somber fast days that appear “next up” on our Jewish calendars.

Nevertheless, with simcha (“joy”) being the theme of these days, it is eminently appropriate and inestimably worthwhile to give some thought to the mechanics of the Torah’s view on “simcha” – its centrality to our lives and a recipe (or two) as to how to keep it vibrant.

The Chasam Sofer (1762-1839) writes “the very first mitzvah one should be fulfilled by a bar mitzvah boy upon his reaching his 13th year is to rejoice and be happy to accept the mitzvahs of Hashem; for being b’simcha is a positive mitzvah in the Torah, i.e., to serve with joyousness and good-heartedness emanating from all the goodness which has been bestowed upon you.” Several noted Torah sages over the centuries have all identified simcha as the coin of the realm in terms of one’s personal growth and religious fulfillment.

The Orchas Tzaddikim (a well-known Sefer anonymously written in the 15th century) offers a line which should be kept close to the heart of every Ba’al Teshuvah. In the “Gate of Happiness,” he writes, “the attribute of joy hinges on the positive commandment to see all that befalls a person as being just … for if after one does Teshuvah, he finds that matters are not as pleasant as they were beforehand, it is a mitzvah to think in one’s heart” that all the seeming “turbulence” is truly a gift from Heaven that is ultimately for own best interests. Over the centuries, this gem has provided strength and inspiration to many a Ba’al Teshuvah grappling with the changes in their lives and some of the disturbing repercussions – family, professional, social, etc. – that invariably come with the territory.

Practically speaking, the contemporary sefer Alei Shor (written by a master of character perfection Rav Shlomo Wolbe) suggests a relatively simple exercise to stimulate one’s simcha mindset. In two of our morning blessings – specifically when we thank G-d for (1) “providing me my every need” and (2) for “firming my footsteps” one should utter them with “abundant contemplation” and a “great strengthening of one’s emunah (belief).” This tiny exercise, the Alei Shur writes, can, over a period of several months instill in a person the true rejoicing and satisfaction with one’s lot in life which is the hallmark of true Jewish “simcha.”

May we merit to strive for an internalize true joyfulness in the days and weeks to come.

It’s Lonely in the Middle

Posted on by — 110 Comments ↓

First Published Dec 4, 2006

I’ve long been taken with the following quote from Rav Joseph B. Soloveitchik: “All extremism, fanaticism, and obscurantism come from a lack of security. A person who is secure cannot be an extremist.”

Perhaps the quote has stuck so firmly in my mind because of the context in which I first saw it. Rabbi K., a prominent Modern Orthodox rabbi, invoked this quote in an article railing against the Chareidi world for its “intolerance,” castigating Chareidim again and again for their unwillingness to accept the validity of any expression of Torah observance other than their own.

It’s a pity Rabbi K. didn’t read his own article. The thick vitriolic brush with which he paints the entire Chareidi world would do any extremist proud.

Which doesn’t mean, of course, that he doesn’t have a point. The Chareidim do, too often and too typically, look down their noses at “less committed” communities within Orthodoxy. But this kind of disdain for anyone not like ME is hardly unique to men in black.

The problem of invalidating other hashkofos seems to have become far more common of late. George Carlin once said (or so I’m told) that everyone driving down the highway thinks that he is going at exactly the right speed, and that everyone else is either obstructing traffic or a reckless maniac. But is it possible that the rational middle really has come to represent fewer and fewer Torah Jews and Torah movements than ever before, so that every group condemns every other as either fanatical or heretical? Why have the Orthodox grown so insecure that we are all racing headlong toward one extreme or the other?

In a deeply thoughtful essay in Tradition Magazine (“Torah Without Ideology,” published in 2002), Professor Moshe Koppel offers an elegant explanation for the polarization within the Orthodox world. As a physical being striving for spirituality, as a spiritual being exiled in a physical world, every Jew is sentenced to a life of inevitable and irreconcilable tension. If he embraces the physical world, he may compromise his spiritual health. If he eschews the physical, he may endanger his physical well-being. How does he choose?

Professor Koppel observes that both the modern world and the Chareidi world make the same fundamental mistake, each in its own way. In their efforts to eliminate this spiritual-physical tension, Chareidim are inclined to reject any involvement with the physical, whereas Modern Orthodoxy is inclined to legitimize everything physical in the context of being a Torah Jew. In my own language, Chareidim tend toward forbidding everything not expressly permitted, while the Modern Orthodox tend toward permitting everything not expressly forbidden.

Of course, these are not the stated ideologies of either camp, but this is where many adherents end up. In practice, each camp frequently becomes a caricature of itself. Because the painstaking avodah of evaluating what to take and what not to take from the physical world produces such acute, chronic tension, we flee for the extremes instead of striving to find balance. And, on our way, we condemn everyone who has staked out a position different from ours, lest we face the tension of having to ask ourselves why they have engaged more or less of the physical world than we have.

I can’t say it any better than Moshe Koppel: “[Internalized values] are always full of tension between conflicting poles: between loyalty to Jews and loyalty to the values they embody, between the letter of halachah and its spirit, between conformity and individualism, and so on. This tension is a wonderful, healthy thing — it is the source of a person’s intellectual vitality and creativity. Living a Torah life means living with tension…”

But it’s not easy. Today’s extremism is no mere matter of right versus left. It is the unwillingness to acknowledge the legitimacy of other hashkofos within the bounds of halachah. It derives from a passionate desire to avoid tension, whether that tension comes from our uncertainty of how to synthesize the spiritual and the physical or from our insecurity that maybe someone else is doing a better job of it than we are. And the middle is that place where we can struggle with the tension of living as a Torah Jew, each in his own way, without resorting to the defamation of those who go about it differently.

The flight of so many Torah Jews from the middle testifies to just how hard it is. And it gets even harder for the few of us left in the middle when we find ourselves increasingly isolated from the growing community of observant Jews who refuse to accept that there is more than one kosher way to live as a kosher Jew.

What Are the Parameters of Responsible Internet Usage?

Posted on by — 31 Comments ↓

Many were disappointing that the last Asifa did not describe the parameters of responsible Internet usage.

Should a responsible Internet usage standard be defined?

If so, what elements should it include?

1) All Internet access should be filtered, preferably using whitelists, but minimally with filtered categories and blacklists

2) The use of Internet accountability software where a spouse, parent, or friend monitors your Internet activity

3) Attempts to minimize “time-wasting” on the Internet

4) Other

My Brother’s Big Fat Secular Wedding

Posted on by — 55 Comments ↓

Blast from the past, first posted on Nov 8, 2006.

We had asked our rabbi if we were even allowed to attend, and he told us since there is an assumption that Jewish weddings on the whole are at least kosher style that we were permitted to go but that, of course, we shouldn’t eat anything. I was relieved since I knew that telling my family, my mother in particular, that we wouldn’t be able to make it would be the start of World War Three. Besides, I had already rented the tux.

I was asked to speak and, as you might imagine, I was quite nervous. Besides trying to put feelings into words, which is especially hard for me, it was to be in front of an audience of three hundred or so secular Jews and I hoped that I would be a Kiddush Hashem. When I told another rabbi that I would be speaking he
advised me to try to convey some kind of positive Jewish message.

I spent the good part of two days trying to find the right things to say. I managed to borow a good line or two from a couple of speeches I had heard and to recycle a poignant d’var torah that I planned to give over. However, because of an incident, both tragic and sadly ironic, that occurred shortly before the big speech, much of my plan changed.

We listened to the father of the bride k’vell over his daughter and make the typical jokes about how he’d be paying for the wedding for the next twenty years. Then the bride’s sister spoke about the time she stole her sister’s sticker book and paid the price for it. The best man was very heartfelt as he congratulated the bride and groom, and then I, the brother of the groom, was summoned to speak.

I briefly acknowledged the presence of some of the more senior family members in attendance and related that it was an honor to be asked to say a few words. I swallowed hard and decided for sure, at that moment, that I was actually going to say the words I had concocted in my head, only a half-hour earlier as a result of that tragic and sadly ironic “pre-speech” incident. I continued, “I had prepared to say something very deep and meaningful about G-d and torah…” At this point I felt the collective breath of the crowd drop as they clearly had no desire to be bored by some religious guy talking about the one thing that they absolutely didn’t feel like listening to at that time. I continued “…but after one of the waiters offered me a scallop wrapped in bacon at the cocktail hour, I decided that maybe speaking about G-d and Torah wasn’t the way to go at this event.”

Would you believe me if I told you that the roar emanating from that reception hall was so loud and filled with laughter that it could wake a dead man? Well, it was.

Now I knew that the line was funny and ironic before I said it, but I guess I didn’t really comprehend its genius until I heard the crowd’s reaction. After that I could have gotten away with saying just about anything! It’s true! Chazal wasn’t kidding when they said that a person should open his speech with a joke! Good advice!

In the end, I did manage to discuss a Jewish concept, albeit very briefly, and with the response of a good deal of laughter from the crowd. I focused on the concept of breaking the glass underneath the chuppah. I related that Chazal instructed us to break a glass under the chuppah because at the time of our greatest joy we are to remember the great loss we suffered with the destruction of our holy Temple in Jerusalem. I emphasized, however, what was implicit in the words of Chazal, that this day is the time of the couple’s greatest joy, that indeed today, their wedding day, is the happiest day of their lives and that from this day forward….it would be all down hill. I was joking of course…and did they ever laugh! Who knew I was so funny?

May we all soon merit a time when we Jews witness the rebuilding of our holy Temple in Jerusalem and a time when Jews no longer serve scallops wrapped in bacon at their simchas!

I, Rabbi (Part Two)

Posted on by — 10 Comments ↓

Part One of this three-post series is here.

I found another rabbi to speak to about this question. Two, in fact. The first, very engaged in outreach, told me how he had wrestled with the issue of conducting wedding ceremonies for non-observant Jews. He acknowledged the serious halachic challenges, and responsibilities, implicated by doing so. But his mentor and rebbe had, when asked this question by him, all but laughed at him for asking it: “Two Jews want to get married in our day and age — you shouldn’t do everything possible to make this happen?” Well, that is how I had seen it. He gave me some tips.

The kashrus, he said, isn’t likely to be under your control, but you can’t agree to do this if they’re going to be serving “conspicuously treif” food; that just debases your involvement and could eventually come back to haunt you, rabbi, as well. You can say that the bride must go to the mikveh first. You can make sure the kesuvah is halachically competent. And because you have a relationship with the couple, you can sort of at least hope to “own” the “get issue” if it comes to that, which is a chief concern of those who are reluctant to get involved in such marriages. His words encouraged me.

The second rabbi was helpful in a completely complimentary fashion. He was in fact almost never referred to as a rabbi, and though people know he is learned, not too many people know that he was ordained by a major yeshiva as a young man decades ago. But not only is he ordained: He told me, when I recounted all this to him, that he could help with two of the missing pieces: Being witness number two at the chupa [“canopy,” i.e., the ceremony] (an easy one), and being recognized as ordained by the clerk of the City of New York — thus the official “officiant” for purposes of the law. He had one question — well, two. The first one was, “They’re getting proper glatt meals for people who want them?” Yes, I said. The second one was, “So they’ll give me dinner for this?” I laughed — of course dinner! (“Only half price!”)

Rabbi #2 also was very familiar with the precise halachic issues we’d have to nail down, and helped guide me through them. One of them involved the kesuvah. Assuming, correctly, that the couple would want to have an “art” kesuvah, he explained to me what the halachic issues, and controversies, were, and what wording I had to look for and look out for. Let’s just say that at the end of the day I prevailed on the couple to use whatever they wanted for their living room wall, but to privately allow me to use a standard, halachically valid kesuvah that they could keep in their filing cabinet “so your kids will always know it was done according to all opinions.” That was a formulation the first rabbi had suggested to me, and, used sparingly, it came in quite handy.

So I had my rabbinical advice, across the board. I had, eventually, cooperation from the couple, who agreed to the form of kesuvah, the mikveh (huge, right?) and pretty much everything that mattered. I, in turn, had to agree to come early; to be called “rabbi” by the staff; and, I decided, to forego dusting off my tuxedo in order to achieve the proper clerical decorum on that night. And I had to commit, of course, to actually take a hard look at the seder kedushin [the wedding ceremony], learn it, and be prepared to execute it! At my age, I don’t do new things every day. This turned out to be a simple matter, but, even for me, a little scary.

The happy ending, along with the nerves, the detours and the airline food, I will tell you about in Part 3, IY”H.

Ron Coleman is married to his everyday blog about intellectual property law. It’s called LIKELIHOOD OF CONFUSION®.

Clash of Cultures – A Torah Observant Wedding and Father’s Day

Posted on by — 16 Comments ↓

When we were planning the wedding of our daughter, we really didn’t think that having it on Father’s Day would cause a conflict. And so far it hasn’t, except for one exception… our secular friends.

We don’t have that many secular friends, but the response from those we did invite has been weak.

What did you think are the primary causes?

a) Father’s day is a big thing in the secular world, despite it being a minor event in Torah Observant society

b) Secular people think that they will feel uncomfortable at a Torah Observant wedding, so they often opt out

c) The Torah Observant lifestyle leaves little room to nurture secular friendships causing them to lose some of their luster

The Myth of the Plateau

Posted on by — 19 Comments ↓

Originally published Dec 26, 2005

What do you do when you start running out of mitzvot to take on? Do you just become more machmir on everything you’re already doing? Is it wrong to stop in a comfort zone and just stay there? What happens when you lose that good feeling you get every time you daven, and you stop feeling like Hashem cares about every mitzvah you do?

I don’t know if it would be accurate to call it a “plateau.” As Newton’s first law states, a body in motion stays in motion, and I think this applies to religious growth as well. But where does all this newfound spiritual energy go when you hit a dead end?

I’d call this the point where one backslides, where one can easily go off the derech. It’s when we realize that Orthodox Jews are human, too, and not some group of super-perfect beings whose every action is in line with Hashem’s Will. It’s probably the most dangerous time in one’s teshuva process.

If when you reach that plateau, which is really just a much slower incline, you’re happy religiously and stay that way the rest of your life, Baruch Hashem. I often imagine that’s how FFBs live life, never having to question their practices, and always feeling secure in their beliefs. Then there’s the rest of the BT world, who have to figure out what they need to do in order to continue on their spiritual journey.

And then a bigger question- is there just one point of decline, one hard struggle that you go through and then you learn how do deal with those times of religious dissatisfaction? Or do you keep on encountering them, again and again, when you least expect it? And then what?

As I’m writing this, I realize that I am not sounding very encouraging. Maybe it’s because I’m at one of those points right now, and I’ve been there for the past year. So I can’t say how long they last, or that people get over them (but they must, because pretty much every BT I’ve ever met has seemed inexplicably happy all the time) or that there’s a strategy for getting through them.

But I can say that you’re not alone, and you’re not a bad Jew, and you’re allowed to have periods of doubt. I can say that growth isn’t linear (and for those who think it is, watch out) and that everyone has their ups and downs. It’s kind of like a graph of the stock exchange. Your amount of faith or devotion may vary from year to year (or day to day) but overall it’s a trend upwards. Just don’t forget that Hashem cares about you, wants you to come closer to Him, and will help you when you need it the most.

Accepting Who You Are

Posted on by — 13 Comments ↓

By Elisheva Rabinowitz

Eight years ago, *Sara, a 30 year old woman, became a Baal Teshuvah (BT). She came into my office because she was still struggling with issues of feeling “less than” her neighbors. Her neighbor, Rivki, always looked put-together, with the latest shaitel and clothes from NY. Even though she had 12 children, her house was spotless, and her neat and clean children were (seemed) always well-behaved. Sara pined to look, act and be like Rivki. She asked, “How can she do always be put together, but at my house there are toys on the floor, dishes in the sink and everything doesn’t look “perfect”.

Sara is not alone in her struggles to fit in and be accepted by her peers. Many BTs desire to “fit-in” and be liked by others which can make the transition from a secular Jew to a BT a challenging one. How can Sara fit in, or does she need to? How can Sara learn to accept herself? How can Sara learn that it’s not emotionally healthy to compare herself to Rivki or anyone else? These questions are important to address, and as a licensed counselor, I try to help my clients find a place for themselves in the Frum world, and more importantly, a loving place within themselves.

The reason that it is important to learn ways to accept yourself is because HaShem wants you to focus on YOUR ROLE in Olam Hazeh (this world). When you focus on your role and yourself, then you will free yourself up to be closer to HaShem, have more time to fulfill your role and improve the rest of your life; instead of chasing the “Life would be easier if I was a FFB”; “If I could only be put together like____”; or “If we only knew all the mitzvot of shabbos automatically then life would be easier”.

I would like to make some simple suggestions on how to address this issue of accepting who you are (though you may need to address this issue on a deeper level):

1.Understanding Your Strengths-Who are you?
I want my clients to focus on and understand their strengths, so I ask them, “What makes you unique and special?”
If you are having some difficulty thinking of what makes you-you then here’s some suggestions
(Please use this list as a starting place, but not as a limitation):
Caring,Punctual,Compassionate,Creative,Hard-working,Humorous
Giving,Neat,Warm,Artistic,Focused,Perceptive
Helpful,Organized,Affectionate,Resourceful,Careful,Keen
Gentle,Prepared,Loving,Imaginative,Alert,A good listener
Sensitive,Structured,Devoted,Inventive,Cautious,Generous

If the list above does not help you think of your positive attributes, then you might want to ask yourself, “If a friend was describing me, she would say I am _________.”

After you have thought of 3-5 words that describe you, then I encourage you to repeat those words to yourself to reinforce your strengths and talents. Sometimes people tell me that they feel “stupid” saying, “I am a _____ (positive attribute) person” because they don’t see the benefit of the activity. One client asked, “How will saying these statements make me feel better?”. The bottom line is that you need to believe in your inner worth; therefore, when you tell yourself positive messages you boost yourself self-esteem. Also, it is important to always remember you are Tzelem Elokim, made in G-d’s image, He loves you and you have many fine qualities. This exercise is meant to develop your awareness of your strengths, not to cause haughtiness. Your goal is to strengthen your image of yourself, but you should be cautious not to inflate or deflate your positive qualities.

2. Be Patient and Loving with Yourself
Sometimes BTs (generally speaking) can be so busy and focused on everyone else that they forget that HaShem loves them. For example, I’ve heard people make the following statements:

1. *Avi learns ___ blatt of Gemara a day and I only learned____;
2. I can’t juggle 3 carpools, but Sara has 5 carpools; or
3. I don’t know how to “speak the lingo”

These types of statements may make you feel “less than”, embarrassed, or angry, but you have many successes, and you continue to learn more things. BTs need to be reminded that He sees how much they’ve changed and how many steps they’ve taken to grow closer to Him. He loves them and He wants them to love themselves. I want to clarify that the above statements don’t mean that they are finished growing and learning, but BTs need to focus on their true abilities, strengths and their path of Teshuvah.

Recently, I made a recommendation to my client-be patient and loving with yourself and focus on your accomplishments. Certainly, my statement is easier said then done, but each step we take toward this goal the more emotionally healthier we become. A Frum from birth woman recently told me, “I don’t know if I grew up in the secular world, I would decide to become frum-it seems so hard”. She could not understand how someone could decide to change so many aspects of his/her life.

If you stop and think about it, you have made so many changes, such as where you eat, how you eat, how you spend your time, how you carry on a conversation… and that’s just the beginning. Therefore, I recommend you making a list of all the things you have changed-improvements you’ve made in your life (even if it was 10 years ago). Then, “pat yourself on the back” for each step you have taken and the many more steps that you will take. It may feel strange to “pat yourself on the back”, but through recognition that we are trying to integrate into a life that FFB have been familiar with all their lives can be challenging and a test. Therefore, take a moment and review all the steps you’ve taken, thank HaShem for lifting you up and carrying you toward Him.

On a daily basis, BTs need to navigate a sea of issues that can be challenging and impair their sense of well-being. Below is a short list of items that you may have experienced and some reactions (in parenthesis) I’ve heard about :
1. Dating (You met him when and now you’re getting married. Don’t you think you should date for a couple of years to make sure “He’s Mr. Right”.)
2.Shalom bayis (I thought 2 people get married and hope not to get divorced);
3. Having children (What is a pidyon haben?; Do you plan on having more kids?);
4. Pesach cleaning (What is that? How long does that take?);
5. Tisha B’Av (When is that? What is that? “Oh, it’s in the summer when we were on vacation, so we never paid attention to that day”);
6. Make Bar/Bas Mitzvahs (How will we explain to our families the difference between Frum Bas Mitzvah and what I had);
7. Kosher (What do you mean you can’t eat my cooking anymore); and
8. Sending our children off for Seminary or Bais Medrash (Your family asks, “Your sending your kids where and they are going to do what?” and then they add, “Don’t plan on staying there.”).
Therefore, a BT will be more able to address challenges more easily with a positive and strong sense of him or herself.

As Sara focused on what made her special and all of her accomplishments, she was able to focus less on everyone else’s perfect home (which in reality is only in fairy tale books). She learned to think positive about herself and others, and see HaShem’s loving kindness in her daily life. We have no guarantees in life, so live life to the fullest today!
*Name and information changed for privacy

For some BTs, these issues may be easy to handle, but other issues may be more challenging, such as how to handle family issues that arise or pressures of being a BT women or how to resolve issues from “my past”. If speaking to someone who is sensitive to the needs of the BT would be helpful, please feel free to contact me, Elisheva Rabinowitz at 410-736-8118.

Elisheva Rabinowitz received her MA in Clinical Psychology, and is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC). In her private practice, she works with adults and children who experienced traumatic events in their life, such as a death of a parent or abuse. In addition, she is sensitive to the needs of the Baalei Teshuvah. She has spoken for Chana, Counseling, Helpline and Aid Network for Abused Women, on the topic of domestic violence. Also, she has spoken for N’Shei Agudath about wellness and stress and anger. Currently, she in the owner of “BalancedBodies4Women” and specializes in: Post Traumatic Stress Disorders (abuse, stress and anger management, grief and loss issues), stress and anger issues and eating issues, such as emotional overeating. She is a member of Nefesh: The International Network of Orthodox Mental Health Professionals and American Counseling Association (ACA). She counsels clients pro bono for The Shofar Coalition.

In addition, Elisheva Rabinowitz holds several wellness certifications, such as Personal Trainer and Group Exercise (such as Pilates and Yoga). She helps her clients obtain a healthy and fit body, prevent serious illness, reduce stress levels, and increase their energy. In addition, she helps them overcome roadblocks and become accountable for their actions, making wellness part of their lifestyle, not just for a week, a month, or a year, but for a lifetime.


Elisheva Rabinowitz can be reached at 410-736-8118 or balancedbodies4women@verizon.net or www.balancedbodies4women.com

BBT Links For The Week of May 31st 2012

Posted on by

Does your Shul provide opportunities to form deep and meaningful friendships? Take a look at the Centrality of Connection at ShulPolitics.com.

Rabbi Yakov Horowitz explains the stab in the heart pain felt by abuse survivors when perpetrators are given communal support and when the voices of the survivors are further suppressed.

Ruchi Koval has a good post with over 350 comments titled “Jewish v. Jew-ish, or Is It True that Orthodox People Don’t Think Reform Jews are Jewish?”

What Issues Did You Find in the Three Phases of Becoming a BT?

Posted on by — 9 Comments ↓

The Baalei Teshuva path can be roughly divided into 3 stages

1) Discovery – learning and growth

2) Integration – navigating to your place in the community

3) Beyond BT – Torah living and slower growth

Did you go too fast in phase 1?

Did you have the right community support and teachers in phase 2?

Have you found a way to target continual improvement in phase 3?

The Importance of Pace and Learning Torah in the Spiritual Growth Process

Posted on by — 2 Comments ↓

An important comment by Rabbi Shaya Karlisnky from this post in 2007.

Menachem Lipkin referred me to this wonderful blog. And with over thirty years of experience in teaching Torah to ba’alei tshuvah, I would like to make some comments on this most important thread.

The Rambam teaches (Hilchot Talmud Torah, Ch. 5, Halacha 4): And any student who has not reached the level to instruct, and instructs, is an evildoer, a fool and an arrogant person. About him it is written “She has felled many victims” (Mishlei 7:26). Similarly, a scholar who has reached the level to instruct and does not instruct, is withholding Torah, placing stumbling blocks before the blind, and about him it is written (ibid) “Those killed are numerous.” Those small (unqualified) students who have not increased their Torah knowledge appropriately, and who seek to elevate themselves in front of those who are ignorant and their neighbors, and they jump to sit at the head to judge and to instruct among Jews – they are those who increase conflict and disputes, they destroy the world, they extinguish the light of Torah, and the terrorize damage the vineyard of the Hashem, Lord of Legions. About them King Solomon, in his wisdom, wrote: “The foxes have seized us, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards” (Shir Hashirim 2:15).

It is not coincidental in the Rambam that those who are not qualified choose to teach those who themselves are ignorant – knowledgeable Jews would never accept them as teachers of Torah. From this Rambam it is clear that there IS a downside to sending out unqualified people to spread Torah to other Jews.

While Outreach organizations are justifiably proud of their statistics on how many people that have become observant because of their efforts, what doesn’t show up are all the Jews that are “turned off” by what they hear, sensing it is not authentic, it doesn’t make sense, or the person presenting it isn’t interested in the individual as a person, but rather as another “notch in the kiruv belt.” These people don’t show up in the statistics because they usually don’t fill out the feedback forms at the end of a seminar or program — they just walk out, frequently muttering that they don’t want to have anything to do with this. The other statistic that doesn’t show up is the number of people who are “success stories” for a while, then a couple/few years in, drop it (hopefully before they are married with children).

There is a very important comment of the Vilna Gaon on the following verses in Mishlei (Ch. 19, V. 2-3). “Also, without knowledge, it is not good for the soul; and one who rushes his legs is a sinner. The foolishness of a man perverts his path, and his heart angers against G-d.”

The Vilna Gaon comments on the first part of verse 2 that just as a person who eats large quantities of enjoyable delicacies will still be undernourished and feel hungry if he doesn’t eat the staples, a person who does Mitzvoth but doesn’t study Torah finds that his soul will not be “good”, nourished. On the second half of the verse, the Gaon teaches that “legs” refer to a person’s character traits, his habits (from the word “hergel” which has the root “regel”). But these traits must be improved step-by-step, through steady, slow progress, the way one climbs a ladder. “Rushing the legs” refers to a person who jumps to a level that is not really appropriate for him, which causes him to miss the mark (“choteh”) and he will surely fall.

On the second verse, the Gaon explains: We are taught that a person who comes to be purified merits Divine assistance (TB Shabbat 104a). Sometimes a person begins to study Torah and perform Mitzvoth, and then abandons it because it is too difficult from him. He didn’t get the desired assistance from Above, and he is angry at G-d for not providing it. But the truth is that this was the result of his own foolishness. Every person is required to go in a way which is aligned with his own level, and not jump. This will enable the person to move in a stable way, and assistance from Above will facilitate that movement. But the described person didn’t begin down his OWN path, therefore he didn’t receive assistance. Because the path he pursued was chosen foolishly, without proper thought and contemplation, his path was distorted, he failed and he then gets angry at G-d.

I think the Vilna Gaon’s commentary serve as a powerful lesson for all Jews, but for Ba’alei Tshuvah in particular. It is almost as if he was directing his comments to Ba’alei Tshuvah, when he describes the person who “begins to study Torah and perform Mitzvoth.” Mitzvah observance that isn’t accompanied with Torah study as a foundation will lead to a sense of “hunger.” And one’s path must be appropriate for him or her, chosen with careful thought, then pursued slowly and steadily.

My experience is that when these principles are followed, a stable and healthy tshuva process is the result. When they are violated…

Shavuot and Teshuvah

Posted on by

By: Cosmix X in Jerusalem

The “time of the giving of our Torah” is near. We count the days from Passover until Shavuot, connecting the physical freedom of the exodus from Egypt with the spiritual freedom of receiving the Torah: And it says (Exodus 32:16): “And the tablets are the work of G-d, and the writing is G-d’s writing, engraved on the tablets”; read not “engraved” (charut) but “liberty” (chairut)—for there is no free individual, except for he who occupies himself with the study of Torah (Avot 6:2). A couple of more days and we are there.

Time flies. I’m over half a century old. and I’ve been a BT for over a quarter of a century. At this age usually the hair is graying if not disappearing altogether. The aging process is taking place before my very eyes. The reality of death is much more tangible. An inner voice cries, “Ribono Shel Olam, Al Tashlicheini Le’eit Zikna!”

On the other hand, with age comes the opportunity for retrospection. I have the ability to look back at over three decades of adult life. Many important and fateful decisions were made: what to learn in college, who to marry, to make aliyah, etc. However the most difficult and most important decision that I ever made was the decision to do Teshuvah. To receive the Torah as is, unreformed, neither conserved nor reconstructed.

What was difficult about it? Well, this was a radical idea, a move far away from my comfort zone. For someone who grew up in suburbia, it meant giving up a lot of things that I was used to. No, I will not list them! It also meant being the object of ridicule and even pity to those that did not understand what I was going through.

Looking back, I had no idea of what I was getting into. The Torah is so big! “Rabbi Chananya ben (son of) Akashya said: The Holy One, blessed be He, wanted to give Israel merit; therefore He gave them Torah and mitzvos (commandments) in abundance, as it is written: ‘G-d wanted, for its [Israel’s] righteousness, to make the Torah great and mighty’ (Isaiah 42:21).”

I was lacking Torah knowledge when I took upon myself the yoke of Heaven. I must have known about as much as the average five year old here in Jerusalem. However, what I was lacking in erudition I made up in instinct. My soul sensed where it needed to go. I had no idea of the depth of the spiritual treasures that awaited me. After all of this time I have only scratched the surface!

We live in a time where moral clarity is lacking. However, “… Thou dost light my lamp; the LORD my God doth lighten my darkness (Psalms 18:29).” The Torah that we are about to receive is an everlasting light which guides us while others stumble and fall. For instance, the whole controversy about gay marriage. For us as Jews, the controversy does not really exist, for the Torah already had its say on the issue:

Lesbian relations are forbidden and it is among the “doings of Egypt” that we have been warned about as it is said, “After the doings of the land of Egypt, wherein ye dwelt, shall ye not do”. The sages said, “What did they do? A man marries a man, and a woman marries a woman, and a woman marries two men” (Maimonides, Laws of Forbidden Relations 21:8).

My forefathers left Egypt and I have no intention of going back! Rather, I will rejoice in the Torah this Shavuot. I am a truly free man, free from the lewdness of Egypt, free from being politically correct, free from those that have forgotten God. Blessed is He, our God, who has separated us from those that go astray, and gave us the Torah of truth, and planted eternal life within us.

What Are You #Disappointed About Regarding the Internet Usage Discussion?

Posted on by — 26 Comments ↓

We saw a Tweet from our referal logs that someone was #disappointed because we reposted Kressel’s decision to take on a more stringent standard of Internet usage.

Perhaps others are #disappointed.

Are you #disappointed that people are uncomfortable when someone decides to take on a more stringent standard then them?

Are you #disappointed that people in the moderate middle frame the issue as either pro or anti-Internet, and don’t articulate the obvious middle position that the Internet has both tremendous benefits and dangers, and we would be wise to make all attempts to mitigate the dangers?

Are you #disappointed that Torah observant people think it’s a good idea to allow their children unfiltered Internet access despite the dangers?

What are you #disappointed about regarding the Internet discussion?

It’s Not About the Internet; It’s About Us

Posted on by — 1 Comment ↓

by Jonathan Rosenblum
First published in Mishpacha Magazine on March 7, 2012

Forget all analogies between internet today and TV of the 1950s and ’60s. The battle led by gedolim in those decades, when no one could fully have seen how far the tame family fare of that era would degenerate, can only be described as prescient. But it does not provide a ready model for a communal response to internet today.

TV provided entertainment, and its absence from the home did no more than confirm that Torah Jews exist outside of the cultural mainstream. Internet, by contrast, will increasingly become an essential tool for the performance of many of the most basic functions of modern life. Even were it theoretically possible to live without it, most Torah Jews will not cut themselves off completely.

That is not to suggest for a moment that internet, or more broadly interconnectivity, does not pose an immense threat to the spiritual health of Torah Jews as individuals and as a community. To date, most attention has been directed at the dangers that might be classified as “do not stray after your eyes.” Talk to any communal rav, and he will tell you of the havoc wreaked in homes by internet, and of the lives and marriages destroyed. Internet does not just facilitate the fulfillment of illicit desires; it creates new desires previously unimagined. On-line (ironically) recovery groups, like GuardYourEyes, have come into existence to help those – sometimes respected communal figures – recover from having strayed after their eyes on internet.

Less attention has been given to the dangers in the category of “do not stray after your hearts.” The Internet puts an unfathomable amount of information and disinformation within easy access. And, in some ways, the danger of minus is even greater than the visual temptations because it will prove impossible to create filters to weed out minus with the same type of algorithms used to screen the former.

One of the salutary effects of internet has been to break the monopoly of the mainstream media on information. That has proven ever more vital as once respected information sources, like The New York Times, engage more heavily in advocacy journalism of a highly ideological bent.

But the inability to maintain a monopoly on information or opinion has important implications for the Torah community as well, and not all are benign. More than twenty years ago, a friend commented that the great problem of our age was that every fool has access to a printing press, and can post his wall posters all over Meah Shearim. Well today, every fool can gain a worldwide platform for his views, without leaving his chair. Those who would once have gone unheard or been ignored can vent their criticism of gedolim, often with anonymity, to a wide audience. That has important implications for the nature of rabbinical authority, and will only lead to even greater cynicism about exercise of Torah leadership.

(The phenomenon of other voices being heard is not entirely negative. All societies require feedback mechanisms between rulers and subjects, leaders and followers. Internet comment could theoretically be one such form of feedback, with the caveat that those most likely to comment tend to be a self-selected group of aggrieved people, often with too much time on their hands.)

THE PRECEDING THREATS are mostly known and have been widely discussed, particularly those in the category of “after your eyes.” But, in my view, the greatest danger of internet may well be more subtle and less quantifiable: It will turn us into less serious, shallower Jews.

Just the waste of time alone would suffice to do so. How often do we tell ourselves that we are going on-line just to check our emails (for the umpteenth time that day) or check a favorite site for just five minutes, and find ourselves, in the manner of someone who tells himself he will eat only one potato chip or smoke one cigarette, adding just another five-minutes and then another? Even if we succeeded in confining ourselves to just the promised five minutes, those five minutes add up, and very fast. Just think of the number of times that Rav Moshe Feinstein, zt”l, completed Mishnayos bein gavra l’gavra.

Those rapidly accumulating five minutes not only take us away from Torah learning, but away from our children and spouses. How many of us treat a spouse’s arrival home as an unwanted interruption from our browsing and keep our greetings perfunctory so that we can return to our favorite activity?

While internet browsing may not be physically addicting, there is little question of its addictive impact. Those teenagers who profess a vague allegiance to halacha but cannot refrain from texting each other on Shabbos, sometimes from right across the table, are but the most glaring example. I have seen surveys in which people are asked whether they would prefer to be a week without their spouse or their handheld device. The handheld devices win.

We have reached the point that to be seen in public without talking on a cellphone, or checking an Ipad, or without earplugs in one’s ears is perceived as an embarrassment – a sign that no one wants to speak to us or that we have nothing to do. When we send an email, we wait at our computers expectantly for a reply: Little does it occur to us that others may not be checking their emails every five minutes, or might have something more important to do than respond to us. Few still relish time to be alone with their thoughts without fear of interruption at any moment.

The very manner in which we absorb information on-line — and not through reading — changes how we think and what kind of people we are. Scientific studies show that the neural connectors of our brains are being shaped by constant exposure to internet. The type of reading encouraged by the internet – constantly jumping from one text to another or to a video or other visual image, writes Tufts literature professor Maryanne Wolf, is inimical to our capacity for deep reading and “the rich mental connections that form when we read deeply and without distraction.” The result is a loss of capacity for contemplation and wisdom.

WHAT IS TO BE DONE? Above all, we should not let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Even if bans on Internet were the ideal, I’m afraid, that they will be largely ignored. Thus their value is primarily exhortatory: They serve to warn that the internet is highly dangerous. But if they are ignored, they will only encourage deceit on the part of parents and students. Worse, those who ignore bans will often end up using internet without proper filters (not that the latter provide any kind of fail-safe protection.) We should do everything possible to encourage protections, including the development of improved filters, the use of buddy systems, which utilize the power of humiliation by providing someone else with a full record of one’s internet activity.

Parents must not just throw up their hands and treat the internet and its attendant risks as the inevitable price of technological progress. I’m always struck on my trips to America by the ubiquity of handheld devices, capable of connecting to the internet, in the hands of teenagers. In my opinion, no handheld device should be permitted in any educational framework; their presence makes teaching and learning virtually impossible.

It seems to me that the Torah community in Israel has done a better job with regard to handheld devices, through the development of kosher phones, without internet connectivity or SMS. (The occasional convenience of the latter is more than outweighed by the following statistic: the average American teenager sends 3,339 text messages per month.) Admittedly, the market power of the Torah community in Israel enables us to demand internet-free options from the cellphone companies. But I’m sure more could be done in America as well.

Teenagers should not have computers in their rooms, where they can do what they want behind closed doors, and access to internet on the family’s computers should be limited to hours where parents are home to supervise its use. If the home has a WiFi connection, it must be blocked in such a way that children cannot just connect through their own, easily hidden, handheld devices.

But at the end of the day, all the protections in the world will only take us so far. Ultimately the only protection against the siren song of the internet is the development of rich internal resources in ourselves and in our children. That requires a clear-eyed appraisal of the wiles of the yetzer hara and the ability to structure one’s life and establish boundaries to counteract the yetzer’s tricks. Above all, it requires a rich spiritual life beside which the attractions of internet pale.

A leading rosh yeshiva in Eretz Yisrael told me recently that the development of those inner resources is the great challenge of our time. Nothing else, he assured me, would be anything more than a stopgap solution. And he was far from confident that as a community we would prevail.

Already eighty years ago, the great Mirrer Mashgiach Rav Yerucham Levovitz described the loss of the ability to think deeply as the source of the societal degeneration predicted by Chazal during Ikvesa d’Mashicha. Yet he would surely have been amazed by how rapid have been those processes of degeneration. That decline long preceded the internet, which has only further accelerated the downward spiral, and they have not left the Torah world unscathed. Reversing that spiral is not just a technical problem, and the answer will not lie in technical adjustments.


Jonathan Rosenblum founded Jewish Media Resources in 1999. He is a widely-read columnist for the Jerusalem Post’s domestic and international editions and for the Hebrew daily Maariv. He is also a respected commentator on Israeli politics, society, culture and the Israeli legal system, who speaks frequently on these topics in the United States, Europe, and Israel. His articles appear regularly in numerous Jewish periodicals in the United States and Israel. Rosenblum is the author of seven biographies of major modern Jewish figures. He is a graduate of the University of Chicago and Yale Law School. Rosenblum lives in Jerusalem with his wife and eight children.

Cutting Connections – No More Web Browser In My Home

Posted on by — 101 Comments ↓

The Citi Field Asifa regarding the Internet was held last night, so we though it would be appropriate to repost this article that was originally published on May 30, 2006.

As everyone on this blog is aware, many, if not the majority, of gedolim are speaking out against the Internet. On Sunday, May 14 – Mother’s Day in the secular world – I attended what was advertised as an “historic asifa” on this very subject. My sons’ yeshiva sent home notes about it a month in advance, exhorting the parents about the importance of attending. They followed up with a personal phone call on the day of the asifa, and just in case the community hadn’t gotten the message, a car equipped with a loudspeaker drove around broadcasting: “Save our children! Attend the historic asifa!” Under such pressure, I attended.

I must admit, I was reluctant. In fact, when my ride there was delayed, I was happy to be late. But ultimately, I made it there and was persuaded to do something I never dreamed I had the strength to do: I disabled my browser.

The two speakers at the event were Rabbi Norman Lowenthal, a social worker with expertise in young people and Internet addiction, and Ha Rav Mattisyahu Solomon, Rosh Yeshiva of Beth Medrash Govoha. Both were extremely scary. Rabbi Lowenthal spoke about the predators on the Internet, who, with their smooth words, lure teens into the most exploitative of relationships. And even without those horrific stories, he described the easy access to porn, and obsessive behaviors like checking email and blog post responses up to twenty times a day. This last is probably the most benign of the things he described, but it fit me to a T, and that frightened me.
Read more Cutting Connections – No More Web Browser In My Home ›

Can We Mitigate Some of the Moral Costs of Expensive Jewish Education?

Posted on by — 4 Comments ↓

What do you think of these objectives from the article “The Moral Costs of Jewish Day School” from Jewish Ideas Daily?

This model corrects many of the current system’s moral deficiencies:

It makes the tuition-setting process transparent and predictable.

It moves many middle-class families off the rolls of those receiving financial aid.

It defines day school education as a public good to be communally supported instead of an individual good, privately purchased.

It makes clear that the rich, even when they pay the maximum tuition, are assessed a lower percentage of their income than the middle class.

Please read the article.

The Limits of Inspiration

Posted on by — 29 Comments ↓

One of the most popular articles in the last Klal Perspectives Issue, focused on the crisis of spiritual connection in the American Orthodox Community, was Rabbi Moshe Weinberger’s titled “Just One Thing is Missing: The Soul”. BTs might particularly appreciate Rabbi Weinberger’s reference to a line from an old song “Something inside has died, and I can’t hide it, and I just can’t fake it”. As Rabbi Weinberger cataloged a multitude of ills of the Orthodox community the lyric that came to my mind was “Your no good, your no good, your no good, baby your no good”.

Last week, the Five Towns Jewish Times ran Rabbi Weinberger’s article on the front page. This week there were four letters to the editor, starting on page 73, two of which expressed a preference for the more traditional learning Torah approach as opposed to the emotional inspiration approach of Rabbi Weinberger.

I always found Rabbi Tatz’ article on “Why Inspiration Doesn’t Last” to be very instructive on this issue. Rabbi Tatz points out that initial inspiration is necessary in the beginning of a growth process, but after that “determination, perseverance and a stubborn refusal to despair” are needed to achieve lasting growth. Rabbi Tatz warns us not to be misled into thinking that the world is supposed to be a constant thrill, and then to feel only half-alive when it’s not.

Spiritual work is hard and it’s easy to see why a person might prefer a more passive “Inspire Me” approach. My experience as a Baal Teshuva with it’s unreal initial growth phase followed by the slow going plateau period, as well as the teaching of my Rebbeim has shown me that you have to put in the work day in and day out. Torah. Avodah. Gemillas Chasadim. There are ups and downs, and it’s certainly not a life of “We will, we will Rock You”, but there’s growth and there’s connection and the depth, meaning and beauty of the Torah life lies before us.

You can get it if you really want
You can get it if you really want
You can get it if you really want
But you must try, try and try
Try and try, you’ll succeed at last