My Sister’s Wedding

Posted on by — 45 Comments ↓

Baruch Hashem, on Sunday, December 3 in a sunny loft in midtown Manhattan, I was zoche to take part in something very precious – a kosher chuppah between two irreligious Jews, my sister Nora and her new husband Jeff.

As has been discussed here many times before, family simchas come with shailos. Had Nora and Jeff chosen a Reform or Conservative ceremony, I would not have attended. Baruch Hashem, my sister loves me so much, she was willing to accept a Halachic ceremony, and Baruch Hashem, Jeff loves her so much, he was willing, too. But the biggest bracha of all is not that “they gave in to us,” but that in the process, they connected with their Yiddishkeit and they liked it. Jeff’s happy “Harei at mekudeshet li b’tabaat zu k’dat Moshe v’Yisroel” was an awesome moment. Talk about kavanah! His Hebrew school years never served him better.

Of course, most of the credit goes to the kiruv couple who became their mesader kadushin and kallah teacher. They guided my sister and her chosson with amazing wisdom and sensitivity, knowing when to be mekarev and when to let things slide. I couldn’t have done it. I’m too emotionally involved. (The Rabbi and Rebbetzin prefer to remain anonymous on this public forum, but they are available for other couples. Email me at kh@beingjewish.com.)

One of the “slide” areas was Jeff’s aufruf, held in Jeff’s father’s non-Orthodox shul. Jeff’s father told me that all the major life cycle events – the brissin and the bar mitzvahs – took place in that shul, and he was especially grateful that Jeff’s aufruf should be there, too. It was decidedly non-Traditional; my sister participated and got an aliyah with the chosson, but I don’t see how any Rabbi could possibly deny Jeff’s father the joy of celebrating his own son’s aufruf amongst his friends. You see, Jeff’s father is a Holocaust survivor. He is quite involved in educating young Jews about his experiences and speaks at youth groups regularly because, as he says, “in a few more years, there will be none of us left.” He asked permission to show my eldest son his number, and though my husband and I consented, my son shied away. So instead, I was the one to listen to his recollections. As a teenage boy, he was conscripted into hard labor, and he watched the Nazis line people up and shoot them dead, one after another. He was crying as he described it, and it occurred to me: this is zecher l’churban, a real breaking of the glass. But while on one hand, his memories and experiences temper the simcha, they also enhance it. Baruch Hashem, the Jewish people survived, and a wedding, of all celebrations, is a promise of our future.

Admittedly, the mixed dancing made for a sticky situation. After having insisted on a kosher chuppah and kosher catering, I felt it would have been too much of an imposition to insist on separate dancing also. After all, the kosher chuppah was performed so that Nora and Jeff could be married k’das Moshe v’Yisroel, which is to their benefit. Kosher catering – well, that’s a snap in New York City. But I couldn’t see depriving Jeff’s family of mixed dancing just because I can’t do it and my husband can’t see it.

While the wedding was in the planning stages, the mixed dancing compromise was probably the shailah that I discussed most with my own Rov. My “frummer than thou” issues popped up then, too, not so much with the Rov but with my friends. One BT friend didn’t bring her kids to her sister’s wedding specifically because of the mixed dancing. “Their neshamos can’t handle it,” she said. My very Chassidishe FFB neighbor advised me to speak to a chinuch expert for the very same reason. Well, I can’t be such a purist. My kids are very close to my sister, and they were excited about her wedding. Yes, they are far more exposed to outside influences than their schoolmates, but that’s just the slippery slope we BTs have to traverse.

Baruch Hashem, the layout of the hall worked in our favor. My husband and the kids sat in a place where they did not have to view any of the dancing. As for me, Nora and Jeff kindly asked that the first hora be in separate circles of men and women, so I sort of stepped-walked my way around the women’s circle. I did pull my sister aside for a private dance, and though I tried, I did not entirely escape the view of the men. But my sister told me it was one of her favorite moments of the wedding. May Hashem forgive me for that.

As to how to negotiate such simchas within your own families, I don’t feel I can offer much advice. The credit goes to Nora and Jeff for being open-minded enough to consider a Halachic ceremony and to the special Rabbi and Rebbetzin for striking a balance which made everybody happy. But I do have one idea, and we may just be the crowd to pull it off. I’m sure that many of us have single, freieh Jewish friends and relatives. Why don’t we pool our resources and add making shidduchim to the missions of Beyond BT? I know a very sweet woman of 36 or 37 who needs a nice, intelligent guy. Email me if you know anyone.

May Hashem continue to bring Yidden together for all kinds of simchas.

Chanukah Insight – Two Sides of the Same Coin? or The Miracle of the Chocolate Coins

Posted on by — 3 Comments ↓

Last year I was asked to speak at a small Chanukah gathering for a kiruv organization. The crowd was a mixed one ranging from not- yet-shomer shabbos to fully frum for 15 years. As always, I didn’t know what to speak about until the night before. This is what I said:

Last night my family and I went to my mother’s house for a Chanukah party. We do that every year, getting together with my brothers and their respective families. Even though there is a minhag to have dairy on Chanukah, at my mother’s house we always have meat. (You have to listen to your mother) Everything was going along fine. My mother was giving the grandchildren “the chocolate gelt”, which no Chanukah party would be complete without, and there was a whole tumult. I was in charge of buying the gelt this year because my mother doesn’t drive and she couldn’t find pareve gelt close to her home. I walked over and asked what was going on. They screamed “these are dairy, they’re dairy!” I asked myself “How did I do that?” I remembered when I had bought the gelt that the packaging of the dairy and the pareve coins were strikingly similar. Usually, they put the dairy coins into the blue nylon plastic netting and the pareve ones in the red netting or the gold foil is the dairy and the silver foil is the pareve. But these were exactly the same except for the little writing on them saying “pareve” or “dairy”. I grabbed the gelt and sure enough they were the pareve ones, call me the “Man who saved Chanukah.”

I was thinking about what we can learn from that confusion. We see in the story of Chanukah that there were two warring cultures, the Greek culture and the Jewish culture. We usually spend our time discussing the differences between these cultures, how disparate they were and that, thank G-d, the Jewish culture was able to win that physical war and that ideological war.

What we often overlook is that there is a lot that is very similar between the two cultures. Winston Churchill speaks of how the Jewish people and the Greek people have made the greatest contributions to Western civilization. He says that Jerusalem and Athens were the prime places from which wisdom and knowledge eminated. But we don’t have to rely on Churchill for this point. The Rambam, one of the greatest Jewish philosophers, says that Aristotle, the greatest Greek philosopher, was just a step below prophecy. There is a halacha that a sefer torah can be written in one of two languages. One of them, of course, is Hebrew, the other is Greek. There are many references in the commentaries, especially the Zohar, that speak in praiseworthy terms of the Greek culture and how there is a certain level of respect that must be given to it and that the “ancient Greeks” had a certain level of “emunah” that should not be ridiculed. I was thinking how this is a very interesting thing. I think we find in our struggles, in our daily lives, that most of us are not running after something that is obviously “not Jewish”, obviously “not Jewish”. If there is any type of a question or any area that we personally or communally fall into it’s because it is something that “looks” Jewish, it is something that sounds good, it sounds right. We’re not running out to do something that we know is completely forbidden. What we can learn from that, just like the story of the chocolate coins, is that you’ve really got to look very well at whatever it is that you are interested in incorporating into your life. You’ve got to look to see if it’s pareve, see if it’s dairy, see if it’s kosher. Even if things are packaged exactly the same way, you’ve got to look deeper than the surface.

One of the understandings of Chanukah is that we bring light into our homes, into our lives. Light is exactly what we need in order to distinguish between two things that are apparently the same.

The gemorah (Brachos 53b) states that you cannot make the brocha on the havdalah candle until you have benefited from its light. The gemorah defines “benefit” as being close enough to the light to distinguish between two coins. That is one of the reasons that some people look at the tips of their fingers in the light of the havdalah candle (since the difference between the nail and the skin can be determined by the same amount of light that you need to distinguish between two coins). We need to shine the light of our intellect and the light of the Torah into our lives so that we can properly discern what is Jewish and what is “all Greek to me.”

A Lichtiger (Illuminated) Chanukah to everyone.

Embarrassment and Truth

Posted on by — 29 Comments ↓

A few nights ago, I visited the local Whole Foods grocery store with my 9 year old son. The store is new in our neighborhood, it’s pretty, well organized, mostly oriented around organic products, a high percentage of which are kosher. The employees also make a point of being friendly. We browsed through the produce, amazed at the variety of fresh hot peppers and mushrooms. I’d love to say that we were picking out great organic produce, but actually we were there because I’d found they have the widest selection of soy ice cream (brands and flavors) and fruit pops I’d ever seen, most of which are kosher.

We’re passing by the well lit well layed out fish department and I’m pointing out to my son what the various creatures are. See, here’s this fish and that fish, and here’s shimp, treif, crab, treif, squid, treif and yuck, tentacles, scallops, treif. We stopped at the clams, oysters, mussles, and cockles, because they were open access and some of the clams were busy trying to crawl away (and I thought that would be really interesting for a 9 year old boy, and it was.) The friendly fish guy comes over and demonstrates how the clams will close if you touch them, picks out a dead one and opens it up so my son can see the inside, and is discussing his product.

So my son tells him, in a loud voice of course, “well, we don’t eat these because they’re not kosher, not because they don’t taste good, because my father ate them before he became religious and told us that some of them do, but because Hashem says we don’t in the Torah.” Well, I was so proud of him while I was simultaneously trying to crawl away inside myself. Hey, see this guy here with the beard, big black yamulka and long white strings, HE ATE CLAMS.

Proud, because a message that apparently only a BT can testify to had reached my children. They’d come home from yeshiva and were discussing the various kosher versus non-kosher sea creatures, discussing the signs of kosher. As they were discussing non-kosher commonly eaten sea creatures, they were busy saying yuck, disgusting, and so forth. I’d stopped them and said, “You know it says in the Gemora that we don’t eat non-kosher because Hashem said so, not because it doesn’t taste good. Because let me tell you, it does.” And I’d gone on to tell them that many of the non-kosher foods they were yucking were very tasty, some wonderful, and indeed some not-so-wonderful (at least to my taste). So if they go off believing that every non-kosher food is yuck and, G-d forbid, one day get a taste otherwise, they might believe that kosher doesn’t apply. So I told them, loud and clear, “We don’t eat non-kosher because G-d said so, not because it’s not healthy or not tasty, only because Hashem said it’s not kosher.”

My past, at least this one little facet of it, has become a positive message for my children. But OMG, how embarrassing!

Chanukah: Celebrating the Liberation From American Hellenism

Posted on by — 20 Comments ↓

We are all familiar with the story of Chanukah – how the Greeks wanted to subvert Jewish life by injecting it with Greek values. Unlike Purim where Haman wanted to destroy the Jewish body as well as obliterate any remnant of Torah learning and mitzvah observance, the Greeks had a much more seemingly innocuous approach – “No, go ahead – learn your Torah, observe your mitzvos, pray to your Jewish G-d but do it with a Greek twist – do it because it makes intellectual sense. As we say in our prayers “to forget Your Torah, Your statutes….”. This was epitomized by the Greeks desire to contaminate all of the oil in the Temple – rendering it halachically permissible for lighting the menorah but defiled nonetheless.

This seemingly insignificant subtlety created a transformation within the masses of Jewry and produced Jews that traded the hallmarks of Jewish identity – Jewish names, Jewish clothing and Jewish speech (which by these distinctions our Jewish ancestors had merited “Yetzias Mitzriyim” [the Exodus from Egypt]) for Greek names, Greek clothing and the Greek language– Hellenists. What began as an enlightened embracement of “modernism” ended in outright idolatrous worship. It was only through the miracle of the “poc shemen” [the Chanukah oil] that brought our nation back from the brink.

Yet how many of us consider that we may have fallen for the same innocuous approach right here in present day America?! While America is a “madina v’maluchus shel chesed” [a nation and government of kindness] where Jews openly and freely live Judaism, its values and cultural message are the same as the former Greek Empire – be a modern Jew; be an American Jew [as opposed to a Jewish American]. You can go to the movies, watch television with theater sound on high definition 36 inch plasma screens, surf the net, go on kosher cruises, choose family planning, have both spouses pursue full-time yet dynamic careers and provide our children with the “best of the best” secular education – yet still be a Torah learning, mitzvah observant Jew.

What seems as pareve [neutral] pursuits are in reality pipelines by which American culture and values are fed to contaminate our Jewish sensibilities. What is the result? An American Hellenist: a transformation of the Jewish masses with names like Joe instead of Yoseph, Abe instead of Avrahom; mall bought fashion that is borderline tznius [modesty] that even when it meets all halachic requirements – still pales to the majestic elegance of women’s “hemishe” [Jewish made] clothing, casual speech instead of refined words permeated with Torah values that befit a prince or princess of Hashem.

This isn’t advocating a shtetl [a ghetto] mentality. It is no coincidence that this years Chanukah spans Parshas Vayeishev – Mikietz. Yoseph was the only one of Yaakov’s twelve sons with the appellation of “Yoseph HaTzadik”. While his brothers were tzadikim – they were shepherds able to spend their time in isolation and in contemplation of Hashem. Yoseph distinguished himself in his avodas Hashem by being in the heart of the moral depravity of Egypt, glamour of Egyptian aristocracy and potential drunkenness of ultimate power yet maintained his distinction as a Torah Jew.

We do not have to be tzadikim – we just have to be like the Menorah – “a light unto the nations”. By full Jewish names, truly modest dress and words of Torah; by being “un-plugged” from American entertainment/media while immersing ourselves in more Torah learning and mitzvos b’hiddur [performed with the highest of standards] – we can walk among our fellow Americans yet still radiate G-dliness and inspiration; in the world, yet above the world. By having our Jewish purity intact like the “poc shemen” – we look to light every person, place and moment with “…and the pursuit of the world will be knowledge of Hashem”.

Why Do Comment Spammers Hate BTs

Posted on by — 6 Comments ↓

As the blog has grown in popularity over the past six months or so, the comment spammers have taken notice. For those of you that are unaware, comments spammers flood blog comment sections in the hopes that you’ll click on their link and improve their Google page ranking.

In order to keep the overwhelming majority of this spam from actually hitting the blog for public consumption, we employ a fairly strong filtering mechanism. On a given day, we filter and delete literally hundreds of spam comments.

Unfortunately, the filter will catch many, many non-spam comments as well. When this happens, the comment will most likely be placed in a moderation queue and will be approved and posted within the hour (yes, we have no lives).

Recently we had certain words cause a comment or two to disappear into the vast infinity of hyperspace, never to be heard from again and some of you emailed us. We’ve removed those triggers, so the worst that will happen to your comment is that it will go into moderation.

We are investigating other means of addressing the spam problem. In the meantime, if your comment does not appear immediately, please be assured that we are not moderating comments and we have not “banned” you from commenting. In life, striking the balance between keeping out the “bad” while letting in the “good” is no simple task. The same goes for filtering out the spam while allowing your comments to be freely posted. Bear with us and, please, keep on commenting!

The Magic Pill for At Risk Behavior

Posted on by — 20 Comments ↓

The Magic Pill for At Risk Behavior

By Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch

I know how badly parents want to find a cure for their teenagers’ at-risk behavior and make their problems somehow go away. We live in a pill-oriented society where there are endless, over-the-counter brands of medicines for you name it, and we have begun to expect the same quick fix for all areas of our lives — including parenting.

Just last week, a parent came to talk to me about the trouble her daughter was having in school. This 15-year-old teenager was flunking in two key subjects, getting into trouble with her teachers and hanging out with the wrong crowd. Desperate for a solution, her mother wanted to know if I could give her a pill that would cure her daughter’s at-risk behavior. I told her that the “pill” she was looking for was to start working on her relationship with her daughter.

I call this novel yet remarkably simple idea “Relationship Theory,” which places priority on the power and impact that a good relationship can have upon children, both young and adolescent alike. According to Relationship Theory, the greater the relationship, the greater the ability parents have to connect to their teenager. Another way of stating this is I = QR where the impact (I) a parent can have is directly proportional to the quality of the relationship (QR) that a parent develops with the teenager.

After all, what better present can parents give than that of themselves? Nothing can beat the pleasure of a true and loving human relationship, a factor that is often overlooked in the increasingly complex and pressurized world in which we live.

There is also mounting evidence that building a quality relationship is the key to raising healthy teenagers and responding to at-risk behavior. A comprehensive research brief published by Child Trends, entitled Parent-Teen Relationships and Interactions Far More Positive Than Not, showed a direct correlation between the quality of the parent-teen relationship and the impact the relationship has on a teenager’s life.

The research brief revealed that

* “Good relations between parents and adolescents lessen the likelihood that teens will exhibit problem behaviors.”
* “Better quality adult child-parent relationships have been associated with lower levels of psychological distress among both adult children and parents.”
* “Close relationships with parents during childhood and adolescence have been positively associated with adult children’s self-esteem, happiness, and life satisfaction.”

As the father of a large family, I know that spending quality time with each child is one of the keys to being a successful parent. Although it’s difficult, my wife and I try to schedule time alone together with each of our older children at least once a day. Recently, we even started making “dates” with them. Sometimes we go to a restaurant to eat or take a walk. Other times we just go for a soda at the local convenience store. It really doesn’t matter what you do or what you talk about during your private times together. What matters is to give your teenager a feeling that he or she is the most important person in the world.

A great rabbi once said that parents should spend at least twenty minutes a day thinking about their children’s education. Today we need to spend about twenty minutes thinking and twenty talking. And I’m even willing to bargain: If twenty minutes is too much, try ten – or even five.

If you want to break through to that teenager who is going “off the derech,” here’s my prescription:

Take:
20 minutes a day to think about your child’s special qualities
20 minutes a day to just talk with your child
1 minute to reflect on the fact that you did something great

The most important point about this “pill” is that you start taking it every day. And, unlike certain medicines that can’t guarantee results, I promise that this prescription will make a difference in your child’s life.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch is the executive director of Shalom Task Force and author of a new book about parenting teenagers called At Risk – Never Beyond Reach: Three Principles Every Parent and Educator Should Know. He maintains a practice in family counseling and is a popular lecturer on parenting and relationships. You can visit Rabbi Schonbuch on the web at www.neverbeyondreach.org or e-mail questions to him at rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.

Pre Shabbos Links

Posted on by — 4 Comments ↓

Jewish Heritage Center Chinese Auction
The Jewish Heritage Center is having its annual Chinese Auction at the Shaare Tova Ballroom, 82-33 Lefferts Blvd, Kew Gardens, on Saturday, December 9th at 8:30 PM. Admission is $18 (which includes a Free $20 Raffle Ticket) and $10 for children 3-13. It’s a great organization and there is a hot buffet, valet parking and lots of exciting prizes (and there will be lots of BTs there).

The New Year of Chabad Chassidism

The 19th day of the Hebrew month of Kislev is celebrated as the “Rosh Hashanah of Chassidism.” It was on this date, in the year 1798, that the founder of Chabad Chassidism, Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi (1745-1812), was freed from his imprisonment in Czarist Russia.

Aish has lots of audio files about Chanukah, most of them can be listened to online for free.


Confessions of a Hollywood Dropout

The religious atmosphere in our home began to change in 1977, the year that Anwar Sadat, the late president of Egypt, made his historic visit to Israel. What seemed to overshadow Sadat’s visit was that of two other individuals—my older brothers. Murray and Gary had spent several weeks in Ireland shooting a television documentary. Since they had never been to Israel, on their way home, they decided to stop by. While at the Kotel, they were approached by Rabbi Meir Shuster, a veritable legend who is responsible for bringing thousands of wayward Jews back to Judaism. He spends hours every day at the Kotel approaching Jewish kids who seem spiritually lost. He met my brothers, and asked them a few of his usual questions: “Are you Jewish?” “Do you know what Shabbat is?” “Have you ever seen a yeshivah before?” Ten minutes later, they were sitting in the office of Rabbi Noach Weinberg, rosh yeshivah of Aish HaTorah, then a fledgling school for newcomers to Orthodox Judaism. After spending a half hour with the rabbi, they decided to check in for an extended stay, joining the fifteen college-age men who made up the entire student body at the time. After a couple of weeks Murray came home to finish the documentary while Gary stayed on, eager to soak up the wisdom of the Torah.


BT Shluchim make for BT rappers

Recently we’ve been witness to a new phenomenon, namely Baalei Tshuvah retaining a part of their former lifestyle. Whether it’s rappers or beatboxers, boxers or otherwise, they continue to supposedly use their talents and “flip it to Kedushah.” That never happened in the old days. In the old days in Hadar Hatorah Reb Yisroel Jacobson made you cut your long hair off and conform to the rules of Yeshivah. Yes, you could keep your musical instrument, but you played Chabad Nigunim and joined a Chasidishe band. If you were an artist you focused all of your energies into painting the Chasidic lifestyle. Today you do what you want, all the while staying frum, of course, and giving the youth the insipid idea that the two go together, and that pop culture will have no influence on their practice of Yiddishkeit.

Good Shabbos!

The Ladder

Posted on by — 18 Comments ↓

I heard a beautiful thought this past Shabbas on Parshat Vayeitze which illuminates an important idea for ba’alei teshuva. The speaker didn’t know the original source for the idea, so I would love to know if anyone has heard this before and knows where it came from.

Towards the beginning of the Parsha we read about Yaakov’s dream of angels ascending a ladder to heaven.
Why did Hashem specifically choose a ladder as the symbol of the dream? When one is climbing a ladder, it is necessary to climb slowly and hit every rung. So too for us as we’re growing. It’s essential to take it slowly and reach each stage in our growth in its proper time.

Most of us have known ba’alei teshuva who dive into religious life, quickly throwing off all of their old habits and beliefs, and just as quickly jump back out of being frum. It’s necessary instead to take it slowly and methodically. In the book The Kiruv Files, co-authored by Rabbi Dovid Kaplan about his experience working in outreach at Ohr Somayach, he says when he sees a fresh ba’al teshuva sprouting payos, he threatens to yank them out if the person doesn’t cut them off himself. He notes that there is nothing wrong with having payos, as long as they are grown in the proper time when one’s internal behavior and knowledge have sincerely changed, not just his external mode of dress.

Sincere, internal growth is something that Hashem constantly expects of us, but He demands each change in its time. Remember, it was the slow and steady turtle that won the race, not the speedy hare.

Beyond BT Melava Malka

Posted on by

It was a very nice event. We had about 35 people mostly from Kew Gardens Hills, with Gil Student and Rabbi and Mrs Dovid Schwartz coming in from Brooklyn. Ezzie Goldish was there as well as Beyond BT contributors Steve Brizel, David Kirschner, Marty Fleisher and other Beyond BT readers and commentors whose anonymity we’ll respect.

The inspiration and entertainment was provided by Gedalia from Monsey who described his journey from a traditional Jewish upbringing through a period as a lyricist and musicial performer in clubs in Greenwich Village such as the Bottom Line. A trip to Poland and subsequently to Israel was the beginning of Gedalia’s awakening. He chose the path of immersion in Torah study and has been learning for approximately 10 years, currently in a Kollel in Monsey.

Gedalia interspersed his story with songs that he had chosen from the over 100 that he has written in his life. Gedalia explained that learning Torah now fills the place that songwriting previously occupied, but he enjoys very much performing and giving chizuk to his audiences. Toward the end of the show he answered questions from the audience. He pointed out that BTs and FFBs have the same obligation to learn and do mitzvos. The only difference being the starting point but every Jew, BTs and FFBs alike, have things that they have to work on.

The menu of pizza and ice cream sundaes seemed to satisfy and there was plenty of good conversation both before and after the show. Thanks to everybody who came out to celebrate Beyond BT’s one year anniversary.

MM, Rabbi Horowitz and Shoshana

Posted on by — 1 Comment ↓

Beyond BT’s One Year Anniversary Melava Malka
When: December 2, 2006 at 8:00 PM
Where: Congregation Ahavas Yisroel 147-02 73rd Avenue in KGH, one block east of Main Street.
Why: To meet and connect with fellow Beyond Bt’ers
What: 8:00 PM Pizza & Shmoozing; 9:00 PM ”Searching for Meaning – A BTs Spiritual Journey in Music and Monologue”; 10 PM Ice Cream & More Shmoozing
How Much: $5 per person, kids under 4 free

Rabbi Horowitz on Risk Factors for At-Risk Teens Part 2 (Part 1 here)

Rav Hutner was saying how we must change the way that we view our yeshivos. He was suggesting that the holy yeshivos of Voloshin and Slabodka were primarily designed for a tiny percentage of the outstanding achievers in Torah, as the grinding poverty of pre-war Europe forced the vast majority of children above the age of thirteen to join the workforce. American yeshivos and Beis Yakov’s, Rav Hutner maintained, need to be geared for all children to find success and refuge.

Sadly, as I pointed out last week, exactly the opposite has been happening over the past ten-fifteen years. School hours have been getting longer and longer. Kids are offered less time and opportunity to engage in desperately needed recreational activities, all the while greater and greater demands are being made on children. Most shocking of all, is the fact that parents are clamoring to get their children – ready or not – into schools that have the most rigorous demands and who summarily dismiss children for infractions.

Shoshana has a interesting post on Frum vs Religious

According to my friend, being frum is about keeping up appearances. It’s about the clothing, the hats, what other people see. It can also be about a mindset – that non-Jewish practices are not what we are supposed to engage in, that you shouldn’t go to a movie theater, that Jewish music is preferable to secular.

Being religious is a different matter. It’s about a spiritual connection, about serving God, following halacha with the correct intent. It’s about living Torah internally and really feeling it in one’s heart.

The Race

Posted on by — 11 Comments ↓

By Gregg Schwartz

After reading David Linn’s “The Monster”, I felt as though I also had a story and lessons to share. Many of you might remember me from the beyondbt.com shabbaton as the guy who was going to be running the New York marathon. Whenever I would tell a person that I’m training for a marathon, the question that inevitably follows is “how long have you been running for?”, to which I say, “about 5 weeks”, to which they just think I’m joking. But in truth, I went from running to catch the Q65A (Queens bus-about a block’s distance from my house) to 10 miles in about a month.

Last November, I had a few personal issues that had really gotten me down, and in turn, my yetzer ha’ra really got the best of me. Any food that I wanted to eat, I ate, kosher or not. I literally gained close to 20 lbs, and reversed all the growth I had built up yiddishkiet wise over the past six years. If I needed an escape, I would go out with my friends on a Friday night (not to shul). I was in a sad place and decided that I needed a way out, and a goal which would get me out of my muck. I was reading the paper and saw a section that said that you could enter the lottery for the NYC marathon. I decided that I would try it. I’ve never been known for my physical ability and decided that would be how I would get myself back on track. If G-d wanted ME to run this race, he would let my random number be picked in the lottery. Sure enough, I got in. At first, let me say, I wasn’t happy. Training for the marathon requires dedication and hard work. You have to run miles and miles almost each day, and change you diet.

I found out early in the summer that I had gotten in, and there began my training. Week 1, I was able to walk/jog up to 3 miles, Week 2 run/jog 3 mile……. Not only was I able to dedicate myself to the training, but I was able to get other areas of my life back in order, now that I was getting myself back on track. I no longer ate whatever I wanted, I ate healthy, and cut out the junk/fried food. I stopped eating out and, in the process, got back to eating kosher. I was fitting into pants that I had given up on! Additionally, I was getting into a schedule. Running Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, which included going to shul regularly on Friday and Saturday- something that I hadn’t done in close to a year.

To take the story back to the beyondbt.com shabbaton, I was gearing up for the half-marathon, 13 miles. Come Sunday, I woke up at 8AM, and ran the 13 miles in 2 hours and 45 minutes. Wow, what a feat! I went from nothing to 13 miles in 5 weeks. I was on top of the world. The nextmorning, I woke up and got out of bed…OUCH, my left foot (not the movie) was KILLING ME. After not being able to walk on it for two days, I went to the doctor. Turns out I had injured my foot. Even though my mind was ready for the 13 miles, my body wasn’t. I didn’t condition it properly to run such long distances. It turned out that, due to my injury, I was not able to run the marathon and had to postpone the race until next year. (don’t be sad, the lesson is about to follow)

In life, it’s not always about the end result, but the process that gets you there. While I wasn’t able to run the marathon this year, I have accomplished much in the process, by taking back control of MY life. I’m in great shape, feeling spiritual, and overall am feeling much better about myself. I also learned that growth isn’t something you can jump into, it’s a process. You can’t go from zero – 500 miles per hour (unless you’re a plane, but that doesn’t count). Growth must be taken on gradually, even though your mind may think it’s capable of going much faster. I wanted to run the marathon, but my body wasn’t ready for it. Having to wait another year to run the marathon offers a new oppoetunity. An opportunity to spend this coming year growing at a normal rate rather than exponentially.

Thanks for reading.

Getting Real

Posted on by — 13 Comments ↓

As we inch closer to Beyond BT’s blogaversary and I reflect on the year past, one of the preeminent aspects that sticks out in my mind is the friendships we have been able to take from the virtual world to the real world. Having had the opportunity to meet with fellow bloggers over the past year has been an unbelievable experience. Some of you, I have had the pleasure of meeting in a larger social gathering or function, others I have had the joy of sharing in your simchas and still others I have had the pleasure of dining with (thanks for the sushi, Ezzie).

Of course, the greatest opportunity for personal meetings was afforded by the BeyondBT Shabbaton where so many of us were able to spend an entire Shabbos together. Perhaps the primary goal of Beyond Teshuva is to build community. For many of us, that is done (and IMHO done well) here on the blog if only for the fact that many of us are separarated by continents. For those of us within driving distance however, the Internet will never be a substitute for a personal meeting.

With that in mind, I extend a personal invitation to join us this Motzei Shabbos at BeyondBT’s Birthday Melava Malka. If you don’t want to come to meet me or if you’ve already met me and you’ve had your fill, come for the music –“Searching for Meaning – A BTs Spiritual Journey in Music and Monologue”, come for the pizza and ice cream and, most importantly, come to help us continue bringing Beyond Teshuva to the next level.

See you there?

The location is Congregation Ahavas Yisroel, 147-02 73rd Avenue in Kew Gardens Hills at 8:00 PM. The cost is $5 per person and we’re serving pizza and Ice Cream. Some people are afraid of coming to Queens and getting lost, but this address is really easy: just take the Grand Central or the Van Wyck to Jewel Avenue eastbound to Main Street. Make a right on Main Street going south. (or take the LIE to Main Street southbound). Once you’re on Main Street, make a left on 73rd Avenue (going east), and go one long block to CAY. That’s just one turn off of Main Street!

Please RSVP either in the comments or by email at beyondbt@gmail.com.

What Direction Should Beyond BT Go in the Future

Posted on by — 14 Comments ↓

I’m not an established or frequent poster to Beyond BT (admin: ahem). But I’ve been reading the site since it started and a few things have struck me in recent months. In the top right hand corner, it says that: “Beyond Teshuva is focused on providing ideas, connection and support for Baalei Teshuva in their continuing quest of learning, growing, and giving.”

For the first few months, boy did the site live up to that promise! It was amazing to hear about other people’s family issues, difficulties finding a spiritual ‘home’ and efforts to get closer to Hashem.

Maybe it’s inevitable that the first blush of excited posting and sharing should evolve into something a bit less febrile and emotional. Something perhaps a bit more considered and ‘visionary’.

The question is, how do we get from ‘here’ to ‘there’? And it’s a hard one to answer, not least because it’s hard to ask difficult questions, and to really grow in pursuit of an answer.

Is Beyond BT a mechanism for validating our exciting lifestyle and choices, or is it a forum for really exploring why certain choices have been made – and dare I say it, even exploring the possibility that certain choices and assumptions are no longer correct or appropriate?

The former is certainly more comfortable. On a personal level, I found it extremely heartening to know that other people were having difficulties with family members; or struggling with what it really means to live a Torah lifestyle.

One of the earlier posts, from a parent whose children had become frum, was also the first time that I had really heard about how it impacted the ‘other side’ in the equation.

The shiur on how BTs should try to relate to their families – stop preaching, and come down from your high horse! – was also a lightening bolt. It made me realize that on many occasions, my attitude towards my in-laws had been less than helpful. I was so busy justifying my religiousness, I forgot to honestly question if I was really living up to the Torah ideals I claimed to represent.

That was a hard realization. But ultimately, a very useful one. It’s unlikely that my parents-in-law and we will ever be on the same page. But by sheer dint of being my husband’s parents, they still need to be respected. I certainly don’t agree with a lot of what they do and think.

But that post made me realize that agreeing with them – or getting them to agree with me – is not what the Torah wants. It wants me to treat them kindly, for me to swallow my pride (and all my defensiveness) and to make our time together as pleasant as I can by not responding to barbed comments or thoughtless remarks.

But you notice, this is not a validation of how I was already doing things – it was a headlong challenge to it.

It’s very difficult to continually challenge and question ourselves. With so many people seemingly willing to do just that for us, we can get sick of it. But challenging our own assumptions is the only way we continue to ‘grow’ both as Jews, and as people.

I would like to see more posts on Beyond BT that explore some of the really difficult questions – the ones that are lurking underneath the surface, but are rarely discussed out in the open.

There are many reasons for this, not least that it’s hard for posters to put themselves ‘out there’ when they know they may well be subjected to a whole bunch of criticism.

So, I would like Beyond BT to usher in a new era of considered debate, soul-searching – and soul-finding.

But this will only work if posters are able to express themselves truthfully. If we write about a lack in our own lives or observance, for example, that lack shouldn’t be seen as a general comment on a whole community. Beyond BT should not be about who is more ‘right’.

What I would like it to be is a place where we can challenge ourselves, and others, in a constructive way. Where we first ask how a difficult issue or challenge applies to us, before liberally applying it to everyone else. And where we aren’t afraid of going “beyond” what we know – or at least, thought we knew – about our religion, our personal observance and our own behavior. A place where we recognize that whatever our starting point or current position, there is always room for improvement.

BTs in the News

Posted on by — 5 Comments ↓

The Baltimore Jewish Times has a cover story titled A Change in which they deal with the changing relationships of Baalei Teshuva and their parents.

Mr. Shichtman, now 20, was taking his first step onto the path of teshuva. His move was not uncommon; thousands throughout the world have become part of the spiritual tidal wave known as the ba’al teshuva movement, or those who have returned to Torah. Much has been written about how the commitment and discipline of observance can drive a wedge between the ba’al teshuva and his or her loved ones. Peruse your local Jewish bookstore, and you will find a series of guidebooks for how to cope when your child becomes observant, mothers telling their sob stories about children who betrayed them, and children informing the world about their parents who “just don’t get it.”

About the potential for enhancement of friendships and family relationships � how sometimes it does work out when you stick it out � virtually nothing has been written. It is time that something was.

The Jewish Week has a story Call Of The Wildes about the Manhattan Jewish Experience a Modern Orthodox outreach organization founded by Rabbi Mark Wildes.

Over the years, MJE has grown from a one-room operation located in The Jewish Center on the Upper West Side to a franchise occupying an entire, renovated floor, along with the East Side location and now, Murray Hill. And a doctor who has been active in MJE events, Marc Arkovitz, donated MJE’s first Torah, which was dedicated in a lively ceremony on Nov. 12.

Rabbi Gili Houpt, who will be overseeing the downtown branch, said it was important to locate where a lot of younger people were moving right out of college, people not yet established in a community. MJE partnered with Congregation Adereth El, an Orthodox synagogue in Murray Hill, and held the first services and a Shabbat dinner earlier this month. More than anything, say its founders and participants, MJE seeks to meet people where they are.

“I’m a realist and I don’t believe every young Jew out there is searching to become more and more religious,” said Rabbi Wildes, who grew up in Queens and got involved in outreach as a project while he was in rabbinical school at Yeshiva University. He also pursued a law degree and a master’s in international affairs. “But I do believe that a lot of people want to belong to something greater, to belong to a Jewish community.”

“Some people view outreach as ‘I’m trying to change the other person, force them to live a certain way,’” said Rabbi Houpt. “Whereas this approach is really just trying to share something with the other person, show them the beauty of Judaism. There can be more to life than what they’ve been living.”

Rabbi Gili Houpt is the husband of Chaya who is a guest contributor and commentor to Beyond BT. He was the ruach leader at our Shabbaton. He’s pictured on the left in the photo below, strumming the red guitar. We wish him much Hatzlacha in all his efforts.

Great New Organization in Monsey for Married BTs

Posted on by

Chayei Olam – A new organization recently formed in Monsey NY to serve the needs of married Baal Teshuva couples, would like to inform Beyond BT readers of programs now available. For men there is an incredible Sunday Morning Learning Program that includes Halacha, Chumash/Rashi, Gemoroh & Hashkofoh. It begins with Shachris at 7:45 & ends with Mincha at 12:20. Participants are invited to attend all or any of the limudim. The focus is on skill building and yedios. Our goal is to enable our participants to get the skills and knowledge to be able to enjoy learning and hopefully be able to learn with their children successfully as well. We presently have 15 – 20 participants all professional men with young families.

We also have a program for Women (a division of Neve Yerushalayim) that offers classes on Parenting, Sholom Bayis, and Practical Hilchos Shabbos.

For more information or to join any of our programs, please contact us at (845)425-3718 or email info@chayeiolam.com

Please RSVP for the Beyond BT Melava Malka

Posted on by

The Melava Malka is one week away on December 2nd at 8:00 PM and it would be great if all those planning to attend would RSVP to let us know you’re coming.

The location is Congregation Ahavas Yisroel, 147-03 73rd Avenue in Kew Gardens Hills . The cost is $5 per person and we’re serving Pizza and Ice Cream. Some people are afraid of coming to Queens and getting lost, but this address is really easy: just take the Grand Central or the Van Wyck to Jewel Avenue eastbound to Main Street (or take the LIE to Main Street). Once you’re on Main Street go to 73rd Avenue and make a left, and go one long block to CAY. That’s just one turn off of Main Street!

The inspiration and entertainment will be a show entitled “Searching for Meaning – A BTs Spiritual Journey in Music and Monologue”, performed by a new friend whom Rabbi Lam introduced to us.

Please RSVP either in the comments or by email at beyondbt@gmail.com.

Here are two pictures from the Melava Malka after the Shabbaton:



Frummer than Thou

Posted on by — 19 Comments ↓

As Mark so subtly pointed out in his last email, I haven’t posted here in a while. Part of the reason for that is that I haven’t been feeling especially enthused about the mitzvos lately. The Lebanon war really did propel me to a higher level, particularly in my davening, but then something happened over Sukkos that really got me down.

What happened essentially is this: Person A, whom I respect, said that Person B, who I also respect, has some incorrect hashkafos. The incident upset me on two counts. First, Person A probably would never have said that if not for my own poor choice of words in presenting Person B’s position. But even when I tried to amend my words, Person A cited an entire frum community to justify her statement. For me, that was the hardest part to take.

In my last post, I wrote about davening for strangers on the street as a means to healing the rift between Modern and Chareidi. I now think that’s the easy way out. Loving one’s fellow Yid is easy from that distance. Having a disagreement with someone makes ahavas Yisroel a lot more challenging. And when matters of hashkafa enter the picture, and the other person takes the “more frum” position, I feel an underlying personal criticism.
Read more Frummer than Thou ›

The BT “Problem” That Won’t Go Away

Posted on by — 121 Comments ↓

I sometimes hear back through the cracks the complaints, sometimes justified, sometimes not, of the disillusioned baalei teshuva and, sometimes, former baalei teshuva. Sometimes, it seems, they were promised rose gardens. Some were not, but believe they were. Others just changed their minds, or followed their passions, or had a mental hiccup of some kind. It’s a complicated world. I can’t say I’m on a point of spiritual development that’s on a smooth curve from where I was 21 years ago, or that I’d be all that proud of what that graph would look like if I had to draw it … though sooner or later, it will indeed be drawn.

But there is one complaint about assimilation into the frum world that is so common that while I have yet to meet someone who used it as a rationale to stop doing God’s will as revealed in the Torah, well, it can’t be helping anyone.

It’s the Derech Eretz Problem.

On the one hand, derech eretz — the basic mode of behavior among people within a society — is laudable in the frum world. Let’s shave off the issue of corruption and crime; regrettably, we have our criminals, and they are all the more noticeable for their outer trappings of orthodoxy; but still we are not a particularly threatening group to each other or the rest of the world. Get past that and there are behaviors that are fairly common “out there” but relatively unheard of in the normative orthodox world and certainly in the yeshiva environment. Examples of bad social behavior rare in the frum world that spring to mind based on my own observation are disrespect of the elderly, physical confrontations, street crime and petty dishonesty, foul language, and, with limited exceptions, following the Boston Red Sox.

But when we gather around in little groups in our weaker moments, what we talk about is the Derech Eretz Problem.
Read more The BT “Problem” That Won’t Go Away ›

Beyond BT Anniversary Melava Malka on Dec 2nd

Posted on by

To celebrate the one year anniversary of Beyond BT, we’re excited to announce a Melava Malka on December 2nd at 8:00 PM at Congregation Ahavas Yisroel in Kew Gardens Hills. So far we’ve set the cost at $5 per person and are serving Pizza and Ice Cream.

The inspiration and entertainment will be a show entitled “Searching for Meaning – A BTs Spiritual Journey in Music and Monologue”, performed by a new friend whom Rabbi Lam introduced to us.

If we can pickup a wireless Internet connection at CAY, we might blog the event live, so those who can’t join us in person, can at least join us in the comment section. In any event it should be a great night and we hope that all who are able to, will join us.

Please RSVP either in the comments or by email at beyondbt@gmail.com.

Pre Shabbos Links and Stuff

Posted on by — 2 Comments ↓

A Lonely Man of Faith is a new documentary about the life and legacy of Rabbi Joseph B. Soleveitchik.
This is a new documentary film on the life and legacy of Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, the intellectual leader
of Modern Orthodox Judaism in 20th Century America. Throughout his life, in Europe, New York and Boston,
he struggled to forge a path between Jewish tradition and the modern age, an ordeal that frequently resulted
in loneliness. His impact was tremendous but his legacy was complicated.

Mazal Tov to Beyond BT commentor, Sephardi Lady, who blogs over at Orthonomics, on the birth of a baby girl. And a Mazal Tov to Mr. Sephardi Lady.

Mazal Tov to Mr. & Mrs. Menachem Lipkin on the birth of a grandson to their children Etana & Zev Hecht.

See the video or hear the audio of Rav Noach Weinberg’s address at the Tiferes Bnei Torah (TheShmuz.Com) Melava Malka on 11/11/06.